(no subject)
The mental healthcare system in America SUCKS. Maybe it sucks in other countries too, but I can only speak for myself here. It's such a load of bureaucratic nonsense, and everyone has their hands tied. Therapists can't make any sort of medical interventions when needed, but the psychiatrists don't have time to actually talk to you and make an informed decision about your needs, so basically, you're always bouncing back and forth between the two. The insurance companies also have a say in the mess, deciding who they will and will not cover, and which services they're going to provide. So if time is of the essence, and generally speaking, if you're having a psychiatric emergency, it will be, you're pretty much screwed. Psychiatrists work ridiculous hours, so that it literally takes WEEKS to see anyone. And I don't know, maybe it's my fault, but usually I can't seem to schedule my emergencies at a convenient time.
So here's the deal, and I'm going to be brutally honest because I'm pissed off, so don't read if you don't want details. The last two weeks or so, my depression has skyrocketed to the point of being out of control. I've been struggling to make it through the day, and I'm getting really desperate. Not quite desperate enough to attempt suicide, however, so basically I am of no concern to anyone. My mom and some friends finally convinced me that I needed to call my doctor and tell her I was having a crisis, so yesterday morning, I got up at 8 AM to call as soon as her office opened. I left an urgent message and never heard back. So I called again and spoke to the receptionist, who promised my doctor would call as soon as she finished with her patient. I gave my cell phone, and my managers let me keep it with me at work, but she never called. I tried one final time at 1:30. At 4:30, she finally called me. I told her what was going on, that I didn't really trust myself and that I needed something to get me through to my appointment next week, so she called in a prescription for SLEEPING PILLS. ??? That makes NO sense to me. When someone is horribly depressed and desperate enough to need immediate help, sleeping pills are just NOT the way to go. That just made me feel MORE unsafe because I now have a large supply of drugs that can just knock me out for a while. So when I got off the phone with her, I felt worse than ever. My mom was working and my brother left for Spain today, so things were really hectic, and I just had to hang in there. Then last night, I couldn't stop crying and couldn't figure out what to do with myself, so we called Baptist East's behavioural centre. They couldn't see me until 2:30 AM, so I decided just to get some sleep and go first thing this morning.
Well, it was a total waste of time. She all but told me since I don't have a gun to my head, she can't do anything for me. My insurance doesn't cover Baptist East, so they couldn't do anything but suggest a few doctors, all of which couldn't see me until next week. She asked me if I felt bad enough to do something drastic, and I was honest. YES. I've ALREADY done some drastic things. But I don't actually want to die, so they sent me home. God, this is why people attempt suicide in the first place. You have to be so desperate that dying seems like the best choice before anyone is going to give you the time of day. That's a dangerous game. You let someone get to that point, and then it might be too late. I'm sitting there telling this lady that I don't feel safe and I don't know how I'm going to survive through the week, and she tells me to try to distract myself. GOD. If distracting myself helped, I sure as hell wouldn't feel bad enough to go to the hospital for help.
Things are NOT good right now, and I really have no choices.
So here's the deal, and I'm going to be brutally honest because I'm pissed off, so don't read if you don't want details. The last two weeks or so, my depression has skyrocketed to the point of being out of control. I've been struggling to make it through the day, and I'm getting really desperate. Not quite desperate enough to attempt suicide, however, so basically I am of no concern to anyone. My mom and some friends finally convinced me that I needed to call my doctor and tell her I was having a crisis, so yesterday morning, I got up at 8 AM to call as soon as her office opened. I left an urgent message and never heard back. So I called again and spoke to the receptionist, who promised my doctor would call as soon as she finished with her patient. I gave my cell phone, and my managers let me keep it with me at work, but she never called. I tried one final time at 1:30. At 4:30, she finally called me. I told her what was going on, that I didn't really trust myself and that I needed something to get me through to my appointment next week, so she called in a prescription for SLEEPING PILLS. ??? That makes NO sense to me. When someone is horribly depressed and desperate enough to need immediate help, sleeping pills are just NOT the way to go. That just made me feel MORE unsafe because I now have a large supply of drugs that can just knock me out for a while. So when I got off the phone with her, I felt worse than ever. My mom was working and my brother left for Spain today, so things were really hectic, and I just had to hang in there. Then last night, I couldn't stop crying and couldn't figure out what to do with myself, so we called Baptist East's behavioural centre. They couldn't see me until 2:30 AM, so I decided just to get some sleep and go first thing this morning.
Well, it was a total waste of time. She all but told me since I don't have a gun to my head, she can't do anything for me. My insurance doesn't cover Baptist East, so they couldn't do anything but suggest a few doctors, all of which couldn't see me until next week. She asked me if I felt bad enough to do something drastic, and I was honest. YES. I've ALREADY done some drastic things. But I don't actually want to die, so they sent me home. God, this is why people attempt suicide in the first place. You have to be so desperate that dying seems like the best choice before anyone is going to give you the time of day. That's a dangerous game. You let someone get to that point, and then it might be too late. I'm sitting there telling this lady that I don't feel safe and I don't know how I'm going to survive through the week, and she tells me to try to distract myself. GOD. If distracting myself helped, I sure as hell wouldn't feel bad enough to go to the hospital for help.
Things are NOT good right now, and I really have no choices.