sigh.
So, I've fallen off the wagon so hard, I think I have a concussion and several broken bones. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. You would think the beautiful spring weather would improve the situation, and instead, I'm laying inside depressed beyond all reason.
I went out to lunch with my mom today...our usually Gilmore Girls-esque relationship has been a little tenuous lately...yet another indicator of my declining mental condition...and she made things SO much better by saying, "You really seem like you've gone backwards recently." Gee, thanks, Mom! Because I didn't NOTICE that I felt miserable and hopeless! I just love when people point out my GLARING FAILURE with the big read blinking lights that say "I SUCK!" Friday night I just felt so sad and alone and I missed all my friends so much, and for the first time since the fall, I really didn't care about life. For some reason everything seems so futile now. God, I'm nineteen years old and my future seems bleak and cold because of all I've done in the past. And I kept thinking about this part in Prozac Nation where she talks about how people would only come to her rescue because they'd feel guilty for allowing a suicide. DO NOT WORRY, I am not going to try anything, I swear, but it just rang so true. I know I have people that love me, but besides my parents, they're all so far away. And it seems so impossible that I'll ever form more connections because I have to make everyone see past the scars and hospitalisations and sometimes I can't even see past those things myself. Sanity is not a given with me, and I just can't see that many people putting up with that voluntarily.
I wish I knew why I was so depressed, but I guess knowing wouldn't even help. I told my mom not long ago that I never know what to say when I go see my pdoc, because I have absolutely no perspective on normal. How SHOULD I be feeling? No one can expect to feel happy all the time, so where do you draw the line? Where do you simply accept that this is the way you are and you're going to have to live through the times you want to die because that's just what's written in the cards for you? I mean, at least I can deal with it now. I know better than to cut myself or try stupid stupid things, so when I'm feeling that way like I did Friday, I get in the car and find someplace to go. I ran a few miles until it got dark, picked up some stuff at Target, then drank some tea and read a book at Barnes and Noble until it was safe to go home again. Maybe no amount of medication or therapy is going to make that go away.
I don't even know what the hell to do with myself. When I get like this I just want to be alone, and I'm so mean and nasty to my mom when I know she just wants to help. I'm so irritable all the time and I can't seem to stop myself from acting like a total bitch. I was sitting on the couch writing and she was just annoying the crap out of me because she won't leave me alone. And I guess I should be social and trying to work through it, but I have no motivation to do anything but take small comfort in the little things I do enjoy. It might not be getting me anywhere, but at least for a little while I'm not dwelling on how sad and lonely I am.
To just compound matters, I can't breathe out my nose and I'm coughing all the time, so I can't even run. I'd probably pass out from oxygen deprivation a mile in. Sigh. At least I did a 30 mile bike ride on Saturday...
I really have nothing else to say. Hope everyone is having a wonderful week.
I went out to lunch with my mom today...our usually Gilmore Girls-esque relationship has been a little tenuous lately...yet another indicator of my declining mental condition...and she made things SO much better by saying, "You really seem like you've gone backwards recently." Gee, thanks, Mom! Because I didn't NOTICE that I felt miserable and hopeless! I just love when people point out my GLARING FAILURE with the big read blinking lights that say "I SUCK!" Friday night I just felt so sad and alone and I missed all my friends so much, and for the first time since the fall, I really didn't care about life. For some reason everything seems so futile now. God, I'm nineteen years old and my future seems bleak and cold because of all I've done in the past. And I kept thinking about this part in Prozac Nation where she talks about how people would only come to her rescue because they'd feel guilty for allowing a suicide. DO NOT WORRY, I am not going to try anything, I swear, but it just rang so true. I know I have people that love me, but besides my parents, they're all so far away. And it seems so impossible that I'll ever form more connections because I have to make everyone see past the scars and hospitalisations and sometimes I can't even see past those things myself. Sanity is not a given with me, and I just can't see that many people putting up with that voluntarily.
I wish I knew why I was so depressed, but I guess knowing wouldn't even help. I told my mom not long ago that I never know what to say when I go see my pdoc, because I have absolutely no perspective on normal. How SHOULD I be feeling? No one can expect to feel happy all the time, so where do you draw the line? Where do you simply accept that this is the way you are and you're going to have to live through the times you want to die because that's just what's written in the cards for you? I mean, at least I can deal with it now. I know better than to cut myself or try stupid stupid things, so when I'm feeling that way like I did Friday, I get in the car and find someplace to go. I ran a few miles until it got dark, picked up some stuff at Target, then drank some tea and read a book at Barnes and Noble until it was safe to go home again. Maybe no amount of medication or therapy is going to make that go away.
I don't even know what the hell to do with myself. When I get like this I just want to be alone, and I'm so mean and nasty to my mom when I know she just wants to help. I'm so irritable all the time and I can't seem to stop myself from acting like a total bitch. I was sitting on the couch writing and she was just annoying the crap out of me because she won't leave me alone. And I guess I should be social and trying to work through it, but I have no motivation to do anything but take small comfort in the little things I do enjoy. It might not be getting me anywhere, but at least for a little while I'm not dwelling on how sad and lonely I am.
To just compound matters, I can't breathe out my nose and I'm coughing all the time, so I can't even run. I'd probably pass out from oxygen deprivation a mile in. Sigh. At least I did a 30 mile bike ride on Saturday...
I really have nothing else to say. Hope everyone is having a wonderful week.