Hufupukar
The past couple of days have kind of sucked. Work has been stressing me out and my car has been acting up again. Everything, all my frustrations and anger just builds up, and I have no outlet really. I end up taking it out on my bosses at work or my mom at home. I don't mean to, but I get overwhelmed sometimes. It really sucks because I have nowhere to escape to anymore. I used to, but those days seem to be passed. I also have no one to escape with anymore. All my friends are gone, and until they come home, I'm left to fend for myself. Maybe that's part of the problem I have. I can't fend for myself. It's not that I can't, because I've always prided myself on being very independant and self-reliant, but it's that I don't like having to be by myself all the time. Sometimes its nice. I enjoy the solitude at times, just as I believe everyone likes a little alone time every now and then. As they say though, too much of a good thing can be bad. Loneliness has kind of crept up on me like the warm spring months. I didn't know it was coming, but suddenly it was there in full force. "Full force" makes it seem too huge. It is there, but not as bad as it has been in years past. All I can really say is that I miss having someone. I know that a lot of people are going to comment and tell me that I just need to change that and it's not that hard and all that shit. To those of you thinking about leaving a comment like that, don't. I've heard it all a hundred times and I know already. The more you tell me to do it the more I'll think about it and the more I think about it the more I'll see what could go wrong or what bad could happen. I need to hit bottom. I need to fall so far that I have no choice but to save myself. That is what I believe needs to happen. What will happen is that I'll never hit bottom and this rediculous cycle will continuously continue. I think that's another problem is that everything I do is a routine at this point. Everyday I wake up and go to work and do almost the same things. Then I come home and do essentially the same things. The next day it all repeats itself. I wish I didn't need money so I could quit my job and focus more on getting back to school and writing and things I actually enjoy doing. It pains me that money has become so important to me. Though it hasn't become important for materialistic reasons. Its become important for simple survival. I need to pay my bills and buy food and put gas in my car. There are times when I think back to when we were all in high school and how we all had there grandiose ideas of how our futures would be. I'm telling you right now that mine is, so far, not turning out the way I had hoped it would.