Torches together
- Mitch and I went up to the christian retreat to drop off Mike's
birthday gift. His birthday is April 11, and mitch and I ordered
something for him and it just came in like, two days ago. So we got a
big box, a box which obviously had a nice surplus of space, and we
filled the entire flipping thing with MARSHMALLOWS. Right up to the
top. It was awesome. I kind of feel bad about getting him such idiotic
gifts every year, because the guy really means a lot to me. The last
real meaningful thing that I gave to him was a picture of Joshua I drew
for him and his wife. But even then, it took me months to finish the
thing, I just got it done in time for Jen's birthday which is July 3. I
wanted to have the thing for mothers day, didn't work out, fathers day,
didn't work out, Mike's birthday, didn't work out. I'm lucky I got the
blasted thing done in time for Jen's birthday.
- It's unusual. Art used to be such a vent for me. Had a problem? Get it down on paper. It was that simple. But for about the last year and a half, about when I was diagnosed really, it just didn't work for me anymore. I'd become more stressed and frustrated than when I began, and I really don't like that. Now I don't really know how to deal with my frustrations, I bottle them up. I mean yea, I'm good right now, but what if a few months down the road I just go nuclear on someone? On someone I care about? This journal helps a little bit, but I'm so self conscious about my problems, and my infirmities that I don't really put down all my thoughts down. This is the first time I've really done it. It worries me.
- I actually, really, really like to sit out in the rain. Just stand there, as the water washes over me. Feeling the mist spray on my face, feeling the rain drops roll down my face, and off the end of my chin. It's intoxicating. It instills such a placidity in me. I find myself sad when the rain goes away.
- As it turns out, from what I understand, the Edge Teen center down south needs a drummer. Seeing as how my youth group is currently adjourned for the summer, and since it's on a different day, I have an idea. I think perhaps it would work out, all I'd need is the approval of my parents/grandparents/Donna Jo and Al.
- I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. The only real serious relationship I had with a woman was during a period in my life when neither of us could be called a woman or a man. We were kids, trying to be adults, and it failed miserably. First, she left me for another guy (one she just happened to cheat on me with.) In all fairness, I didn't treat her right. It's not like I was abusive or anything, physically or mentally. I just didn't cherish what I had, I didn't treat her like she was the most important person in the world. And I should have. It wasn't until after she had left me that I realized how much I would miss her. Time went on, and she broke up with this guy, and we started seeing each other again. After about 6 months, nothing had changed between us. Neither of us had made an effort to actually improve the relationship. Sure, from time to time we placated that sense of hostility by hanging out for a little bit, but it really wasn't ever enough. I guess the truth is, no matter how much we tried, we just couldn't bring ourselves to wake up day after day, and still be with each other. It just wasn't what we wanted. So now, I feel myself being genuinely attracted to a good friend of mine. She's smart, funny, beautiful, I tell her everything. If I have a problem, she's one of the first people I appeal to. But, I find myself too afraid to do anything with this feeling. I guess I'm just afraid. Afraid for our friendship. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of a failing relationship.
Why can't I just wake up tommorrow morning, and have everything be alright?
- It's unusual. Art used to be such a vent for me. Had a problem? Get it down on paper. It was that simple. But for about the last year and a half, about when I was diagnosed really, it just didn't work for me anymore. I'd become more stressed and frustrated than when I began, and I really don't like that. Now I don't really know how to deal with my frustrations, I bottle them up. I mean yea, I'm good right now, but what if a few months down the road I just go nuclear on someone? On someone I care about? This journal helps a little bit, but I'm so self conscious about my problems, and my infirmities that I don't really put down all my thoughts down. This is the first time I've really done it. It worries me.
- I actually, really, really like to sit out in the rain. Just stand there, as the water washes over me. Feeling the mist spray on my face, feeling the rain drops roll down my face, and off the end of my chin. It's intoxicating. It instills such a placidity in me. I find myself sad when the rain goes away.
- As it turns out, from what I understand, the Edge Teen center down south needs a drummer. Seeing as how my youth group is currently adjourned for the summer, and since it's on a different day, I have an idea. I think perhaps it would work out, all I'd need is the approval of my parents/grandparents/Donna Jo and Al.
- I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. The only real serious relationship I had with a woman was during a period in my life when neither of us could be called a woman or a man. We were kids, trying to be adults, and it failed miserably. First, she left me for another guy (one she just happened to cheat on me with.) In all fairness, I didn't treat her right. It's not like I was abusive or anything, physically or mentally. I just didn't cherish what I had, I didn't treat her like she was the most important person in the world. And I should have. It wasn't until after she had left me that I realized how much I would miss her. Time went on, and she broke up with this guy, and we started seeing each other again. After about 6 months, nothing had changed between us. Neither of us had made an effort to actually improve the relationship. Sure, from time to time we placated that sense of hostility by hanging out for a little bit, but it really wasn't ever enough. I guess the truth is, no matter how much we tried, we just couldn't bring ourselves to wake up day after day, and still be with each other. It just wasn't what we wanted. So now, I feel myself being genuinely attracted to a good friend of mine. She's smart, funny, beautiful, I tell her everything. If I have a problem, she's one of the first people I appeal to. But, I find myself too afraid to do anything with this feeling. I guess I'm just afraid. Afraid for our friendship. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of a failing relationship.
Why can't I just wake up tommorrow morning, and have everything be alright?