Cocksure and sculk. A lesson learned. A cautionary tale
It was the first day of a class I'd signed up for. I'd decided on the next new thing. EMT.
Quiet politesse. Minimal eye contact. Typical first day of brand new strangers yet, there she is. Overloud and twitchy. Talking to all and sundry. Maybe she just knows everyone and I don't yet know that. Does she really not see how they react? Maybe she's that person. "That" person. Turns out it was the latter.
I prayed right then that she not be my partner. I knew in the same moment she would be. Know beat prayer sure as scissor does paper.
I put her in that same spot in my head and heart that had housed so many middle school boys and sundry other awkward humans that need but a bit of compassion, patience and space in which to sort out the mountain of stimuli they were working through. She pointed fingers and played the blame game. I believed with a bit of kind input she would grow beyond. I was wrong.
There I was. Waiting in the Government Services Center for the practical exam. Partners needed. She's nowhere. Thirty-five minutes later she walks in all cocksure and skulk, walks past and says "Good. I thought you were going to screw me."
Excuse me?! Is what I might have said, were I a different person. "What the fuck are you thinking." Would suffice as well. No "Hello." ? No "Sorry I'm late."? I let it slide. Half hour later she looks at me and says, no playing here, straight from the hip and serious. "Don't mess up."
Would that I were a woman that could cold cock a twiggy bitch and damn the repercussions. Would that I were.
There I'd been. Pushing that small, heavy partnership door open that I'd worked so hard that first thirty-five minutes to close only to have her reach through to give me a stiff poke in my solar plexus.
You fucktard.
You asshat.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
All questions any reasonable person might have asked. For my part I remained silent.
I have learned much this semester. Eleven credit hours of effort learning about the human body... physical, emotional and legal reactions to trauma, and all this might be the least of my take-aways. I am reviewing my standards, my boundaries, the things I hold dear. Looking to buy a heathier amount of ego than it appears I am currently in posession of. Anyone holding? Of you, anyone selling? My need is dire...
I have learned I have to stand up for myself. Seems a little late for that. I'd tell myself I'm a little long in the tooth for this revelation. But there it is. It's finally hit home in such a way as I could see it. Ingest it. Understand it. "Ah."
Hope it stays. Lingers. Grows.
Protection from assholes for the low, low price of countless hours and fourhundred-fifty American.
Money well spent.
Quiet politesse. Minimal eye contact. Typical first day of brand new strangers yet, there she is. Overloud and twitchy. Talking to all and sundry. Maybe she just knows everyone and I don't yet know that. Does she really not see how they react? Maybe she's that person. "That" person. Turns out it was the latter.
I prayed right then that she not be my partner. I knew in the same moment she would be. Know beat prayer sure as scissor does paper.
I put her in that same spot in my head and heart that had housed so many middle school boys and sundry other awkward humans that need but a bit of compassion, patience and space in which to sort out the mountain of stimuli they were working through. She pointed fingers and played the blame game. I believed with a bit of kind input she would grow beyond. I was wrong.
There I was. Waiting in the Government Services Center for the practical exam. Partners needed. She's nowhere. Thirty-five minutes later she walks in all cocksure and skulk, walks past and says "Good. I thought you were going to screw me."
Excuse me?! Is what I might have said, were I a different person. "What the fuck are you thinking." Would suffice as well. No "Hello." ? No "Sorry I'm late."? I let it slide. Half hour later she looks at me and says, no playing here, straight from the hip and serious. "Don't mess up."
Would that I were a woman that could cold cock a twiggy bitch and damn the repercussions. Would that I were.
There I'd been. Pushing that small, heavy partnership door open that I'd worked so hard that first thirty-five minutes to close only to have her reach through to give me a stiff poke in my solar plexus.
You fucktard.
You asshat.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
All questions any reasonable person might have asked. For my part I remained silent.
I have learned much this semester. Eleven credit hours of effort learning about the human body... physical, emotional and legal reactions to trauma, and all this might be the least of my take-aways. I am reviewing my standards, my boundaries, the things I hold dear. Looking to buy a heathier amount of ego than it appears I am currently in posession of. Anyone holding? Of you, anyone selling? My need is dire...
I have learned I have to stand up for myself. Seems a little late for that. I'd tell myself I'm a little long in the tooth for this revelation. But there it is. It's finally hit home in such a way as I could see it. Ingest it. Understand it. "Ah."
Hope it stays. Lingers. Grows.
Protection from assholes for the low, low price of countless hours and fourhundred-fifty American.
Money well spent.