How To Be A Koala
This Could Be You!
Sure you wanna be a Koala, obviously, duh, everyone does. What kind of moron doesn't want to be a Koala? I'm sorry, does sleeping 18-22 hours a day and still having all the girls want to cuddle you not sound completely freaking sweet to you? What, were you raised in some sort of environment where they only raise lame stupid boring ugly people? Yeesh!
WSteps
1. 1
1 Get some fuzzy ears. This is probably the hardest part of being a Koala, but also the most rewarding. Fuzzy ears are cute, strokeable, stylish and awesome. Get them. The rest will be very easy.
2. 2
2 You're going to want to find some eucalyptus trees. When you find one, make sure that it has leaves, then, climb that sucker!
3. 3
3 Nom leafs. That is to say, eat them. Eat a lot of F*$(ing leaves. Just cram 'em on into your mouth, chew 'em up, and enjoy the sweet tingly sensation for a while. This may get you high.
4. 4
4 Time for a brisk nap! Close your eyes, let the gentle breezes sooth you while the tree gently rocks you to sleep. 18 hours later, and VOILA! All rested and refreshed for another day of eating leaves. Oh I'm sorry, did I NOT mention that being a Koala is completely freaking sweet?
5. 5
5 Repeat steps 1-4 ad infinitum. Enjoy constant and consistent bliss.
Edit Tips
You may sometimes have the urge to mate with other Koalas. That's GREAT! When Koalas mate, they don't give birth to stupid human babies, they have adorable little koala Joeys that fit right in a special pouch on the front of them! So much better!
People may occasionally want to pluck you out of the tree and cuddle you. This can be grumpiness-inducing since you were probably asleep, but take it in stride, its all part of being a Koala. You may pity the people cuddling you, as they themselves are not koalas. This is fine.
When sleeping as a Koala, try to dream of being a Koala. The Koala you dream of will probably also be a asleep, and, if you're good at 'Inception' stuff, you can enjoy infinite layers of Koala-dreaming-of-being-a-Koala bliss. Think of it as happiness raised to the millionth power.
Edit Warnings
Seriously? This instead of a being a Koala? Really?
* You might at times be tempted to leave the tree, get a soul-crushing job that makes you winge at the thought of getting up in the morning after a puny 9 hour sleep, being locked in the endless circular sadness that is Consumer culture, and enjoy the vast charnel house of boredom and mediocrity that is replete in human society. DO. NOT. DO. THAT. Just keep being a Koala. It's way better.