(no subject)
day off.
had weird dreams last night... can't remember too many details, though this one part did involve being in the middle of the desert, and there were train tracks. i was visiting some people who lived there, an asian couple with two white kids and three black ones (?). and the train came to deliver them food and things once a month. the train came and i was helping them unload their food, and they had this crazy stockpile bunker.
but aside from that part, the thing i do remember about the dream is a general feeling of being disapproved of by my family. and myself lashing out to show them that they were wrong.
i guess this reflects kind of how i've felt for a while with my family. like they are tolerating my non-professional job for now, my lack of grad school, but eventually they expect me to "pull it together". and therein lies ageism... it's okay for me, at 23, to be aimlessly working a "normal" job, but if i were older, it wouldn't be as okay. and this is the same reason that someone close to me gave me a drunken rant about how my boyfriend tim is "nice and all, but he just doesn't seem to have any PLANS".
really? so just because he's older than me, it's not okay for him to be working at whole foods, but it's okay for me? or is it not okay for me either, but nobody wants to go so far as to say that?
there's also some educationism. discrimination because of educational background. why does everyone assume that someone without a college degree (or heaven forbid, without a high school one) just isn't as smart? i've long had my naive view of college shattered, thanks in large part to vince's rampant and almost violent cynicism. college is pretty much bullshit. there are smart people there, but there are also tons of idiots who will probably get better grades than many of the truly smart people. and high school, in retrospect, is even worse. i kind of respect someone who saw this much earlier than i did and bucked the whole system.
no, i don't regret going to school and trying, for the most part, to do well according to their rules. but rather than look down i tend to look up to someone who is clearly smart and said "fuck it all" to that bullshit system.
ranting aside...
it's funny how things turn out. i went from pretty much completely believing i was incapable of loving someone else (whatever that meant) and believing i was somehow broken (or just so aware of reality that i couldn't believe in a love story anymore) to... suddenly finding myself completely in love, in a way i've never been before. and its just... surprising.
it's funny too that i've started to see little flickers of the past in him. like... little things that remind me of past lovers or past objects of my affection, but only in the slightest of ways. and in most ways he's totally different from all of them. but it's like... before now, i was trying to attain something, and everyone was somehow providing various facets of what i wanted, but never the entire thing, and always terribly out of balance. but now, its like all these previous attempts are somehow reflected in the new love, but none of them even compare to it.
i'm not really sure if i can verbalize better than that, but it makes me smile.
had weird dreams last night... can't remember too many details, though this one part did involve being in the middle of the desert, and there were train tracks. i was visiting some people who lived there, an asian couple with two white kids and three black ones (?). and the train came to deliver them food and things once a month. the train came and i was helping them unload their food, and they had this crazy stockpile bunker.
but aside from that part, the thing i do remember about the dream is a general feeling of being disapproved of by my family. and myself lashing out to show them that they were wrong.
i guess this reflects kind of how i've felt for a while with my family. like they are tolerating my non-professional job for now, my lack of grad school, but eventually they expect me to "pull it together". and therein lies ageism... it's okay for me, at 23, to be aimlessly working a "normal" job, but if i were older, it wouldn't be as okay. and this is the same reason that someone close to me gave me a drunken rant about how my boyfriend tim is "nice and all, but he just doesn't seem to have any PLANS".
really? so just because he's older than me, it's not okay for him to be working at whole foods, but it's okay for me? or is it not okay for me either, but nobody wants to go so far as to say that?
there's also some educationism. discrimination because of educational background. why does everyone assume that someone without a college degree (or heaven forbid, without a high school one) just isn't as smart? i've long had my naive view of college shattered, thanks in large part to vince's rampant and almost violent cynicism. college is pretty much bullshit. there are smart people there, but there are also tons of idiots who will probably get better grades than many of the truly smart people. and high school, in retrospect, is even worse. i kind of respect someone who saw this much earlier than i did and bucked the whole system.
no, i don't regret going to school and trying, for the most part, to do well according to their rules. but rather than look down i tend to look up to someone who is clearly smart and said "fuck it all" to that bullshit system.
ranting aside...
it's funny how things turn out. i went from pretty much completely believing i was incapable of loving someone else (whatever that meant) and believing i was somehow broken (or just so aware of reality that i couldn't believe in a love story anymore) to... suddenly finding myself completely in love, in a way i've never been before. and its just... surprising.
it's funny too that i've started to see little flickers of the past in him. like... little things that remind me of past lovers or past objects of my affection, but only in the slightest of ways. and in most ways he's totally different from all of them. but it's like... before now, i was trying to attain something, and everyone was somehow providing various facets of what i wanted, but never the entire thing, and always terribly out of balance. but now, its like all these previous attempts are somehow reflected in the new love, but none of them even compare to it.
i'm not really sure if i can verbalize better than that, but it makes me smile.