[JaeHo] Lost Heaven
Title: Lost Heaven
Pairing(s): JaeHo
Length: One-shot
Word count: 6600~
Rating: Hard R
Genre: Highschool AU, Angst, Romance
Summary: the usual clichéd highschool fic, in ten steps.
Notes: Uhm. I don’t really know what the hell I was thinking when I started this ._.’’ I do prefer writing real life kind of fics, but I just *had* to write this one before it ate my brain. DX And since my policy is to always finish the fics I start writing, here it is.
I warn you, it’s a very…disconnected fic. And pretty long. And I know I screwed up the timeline a bit and likely stuff about Korean schools as well, but take it as poetic license ^^; Also, I didn’t stress it too much in the fic, but it’s actually a leading theme, so you have to read THIS first. Read it, please? It’s very short and it’ll help you understand the story better.
Finally, I’d like to apologize to Katya for not writing her fic first >__< I started that too, I swear!
And, Melyssa, I didn’t send it to you cause I realized I was overreacting (*coughs*), and besides you were/are already so busy with your life, so… ^^; much love to you for listening to me when I bitched about this, though ♥
Thanks to Tokio Hotel for being awesome and singing equally awesome songs, too XD I listened to Ready Set Go non-stop when I was writing this. ♥
Oh, and a HAGWON is a for-profit private cram school prevalent in South Korea. For families that can afford it, hagwon education usually starts at or before elementary level. It is common for Korean school children to attend one or more hagwon after their school. (From Wikipedia)
We’ll say goodbye, lost heaven
how we longed for heaven
we’re letting go of something we never had
time goes so fast, heaven is lost
Lost Heaven, L’Arc~en~Ciel
I.
A thin spiral of smoke wafts slowly through the darkening sky, and Yunho knows who's the one smoking inside the school grounds instinctively, without even needing to see. He's there as usual, back propped against the railing and legs outstretched in front of him on the cold concrete of the school roof, a cigarette between his fingers and a distant look on his face.
“Smoking here is forbidden” Yunho says quietly, fighting to keep the irritation out of his voice.
The other takes another drag, slowly and leisurely as if he were tasting the lips of a lover instead of poisonous smoke, and then raises his gaze, a look of studied boredom etched on his beautiful features.
“I know” he says eventually, his lips finding the cigarette once again “so what?”
Yunho doesn't say anything, because he knows there's nothing to say. They had this conversation countless times before and he feels like he’s acting in a well-rehearsed play, just he’s not really sure which roles he and him are playing.
“Well? Don't you have better places to be? I thought there was a student council meeting today, Mr. President” the other boy says easily, making a vague gesture with his hand towards the main building.
“The meeting ended fifteen minutes ago, Jaejoong, and the school is going to close soon, so unless you fancy sleeping under the stars you might consider going home.”
The one called Jaejoong murmurs something under his breath that Yunho doesn't catch and flashes him an impertinent grin. He stands up - Yunho doesn't offer his hand, but he knows Jaejoong would never take it anyway - and dusts his uniform off carefully, straightening invisible crinkles in his pants with exaggerated care.
“See you around, then, Mr. President” Jaejoong murmurs, and takes a step closer to Yunho before blowing smoke straight in his face. Startled, Yunho chokes on the bitter smoke, the sound of his coughs drowned by Jaejoong’s sardonic laugh.
“Don't do that ever again” Yunho hisses venomously as soon as he manages, clutching Jaejoong's wrist so tightly he feels the blond boy’s pulse skitter against his palm. He sees a flash of pain cut across his smirk and tightens his hold a little, just for the twisted pleasure of seeing him wince.
“Or else what? You give me detention and a line to write down 500 times?” the other retorts mockingly, sneering at him through clenched teeth.
Yunho’s fingers are itching to ruin that pretty face with a well-placed blow, but he restrains himself; he knows Jaejoong wants to pick a fight, wants him to lose control, and he isn't going to give him the satisfaction.
He releases Jaejoong slowly, watching with grim pleasure the finger marks blooming red on the pale skin of the boy's wrist. Jaejoong's face is close to his one, white-blond hair framing the marble perfection of his face, fierce dark eyes and alluring red lips. A crazy, unwanted thought is running in circles in the back of Yunho’s brain, If I kissed him now, would he taste like smoke? and How would it feel?, but he pushes the thought away, pushes Jaejoong away from him roughly.
The blond boy staggers but keeps his balance, angry dark eyes piercing through Yunho's soul. He drops the cigarette butt at Yunho's feet, crushes it under his heel and walks away with that air of careless disdain that never fails to make Yunho’s blood boil in anger.
His eyes follow Jaejoong’s figure, though, unable to look away; his shirt is untucked, hanging out of his uniform messily, and Yunho almost yells at him to fix it - it's against the school rules, after all - , before remembering it's Jaejoong he's talking about. He's Jaejoong, and pretty much everything about him goes against the rules, from his bleached hair to his piercings to the way he skips lessons when he’s bored or sleeps through half of them.
Yunho dislikes him - he's a spoiled, rich brat who behaves like he owns the world just because his father is always abroad and gives the school consistent donations - and yet there's something more, something he has trouble admitting to himself. He's not sure whether it's envy or attraction or simple curiosity, all he's sure of is that he doesn't want it. He wants nothing to do with Kim Jaejoong and with his arrogant, ungovernable behavior.
He stares at Jaejoong’s back until he disappears down the stairs.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
II.
Yunho gazes at the clear sky absent-mindedly, a thick History book open in front of him and a half-eaten lunchbox in his lap; beyond the thin glass of the classroom window people are laughing and talking loudly to each other. He makes out Jaejoong's voice among the chatter and yells and can't resist the temptation to open the window just a little to peek down; the warm breeze carries in Jaejoong's thunderous laugh, and he watches with bemusement the blond boy telling something to his friends and waving his arms around in a way that Yunho finds utterly ridiculous. The one beside him - Park Yoochun, Yunho recalls, the guy from America who transferred recently - pipes in every now and then, causing bursts of hilarity from the others. At some point Yoochun says something really outrageous - at least judging from the others’ faces - and Jaejoong bursts out laughing so hard that he topples over and lands on him, and they just keep laughing together, heads close and matching grins on their faces.
Jaejoong’s laugh is free, unrestrained, and triggers an unconscious smile on Yunho’s lips - until Jaejoong looks up, sees him, and the warm amusement in his eyes immediately freezes into something hard and cold and defiant.
Yunho tears himself away from the window, slams it shut and draws the curtains so fast they threaten to rip off their hooks, feeling unreasonably angry.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
III.
Long shadows creep across the hallway, the sky outside painted in red and gold by the last rays of dying sun. Yunho rushes to his classroom to retrieve a forgotten book, a stash of papers from the meeting he’s just attended to tucked under his arm. He glances at his watch, only to discover he’s going to be late to hagwon, if he doesn’t hurry, so he sprints down the deserted corridor until he reaches his classroom’s door.
His hand is turning the doorknob when he hears a low, sensual moan, the rustle of clothes against bare skin, unmistakable panting breaths. The door slides open silently under his fingertips, and the first thing he sees is a dark-haired boy with his back on him - he can’t really tell who he is - and then pale, naked legs hooked around the boy’s waist, and platinum hair against the deep blue of his uniform-clad shoulder, and he knows it’s Jaejoong, he knows because he’s the only one who could possibly dye his hair blond and get away with it.
Yunho’s blood is pounding in his ears in a deafening rush; he takes a step back, and in that instant Jaejoong lifts his head up from a spot against the boy’s neck - he can see a glaring purple mark, there - and meets his eyes. There’s a fleeting flash of surprise in his dark orbs, immediately replaced by a sly, predatory gaze as his lips curl into a smirk, tempting and challenging at the same time.
And Yunho knows, knows he’s swallowed the bait the moment when his legs refuse to carry him away from there, when he can’t find enough voice and authority to yell at them to stop, when he can’t look away from Jaejoong’s flushed face, from the way his eyes flutter shut with every wave of pleasure.
He feels a surge of irrational hate for the unnamed boy, the boy who’s fucking Jaejoong into the wall, hates the guttural sounds he makes when he thrusts into the blond and the ungraceful, messy way his body moves; and he hates Jaejoong even more, even if every fiber of his body is responding to the way he claws his fingernails into the other boy’s back, to the sensual bow of his mouth, open in a string of soft pants and cries. And then Jaejoong throws his head back and moans louder, with wild abandon, and the spell is broken.
Yunho runs away as fast as he can, leaving behind the echo of hurried footsteps and a flurry of scattered sheets.
He doesn’t go to his hagwon, that evening. He storms home instead, waving his mother’s questions off and locking himself in the bathroom. He stands under the icy spray of the shower, a hand fisted around his cock and tears of anger and shame and confusion running down his cheeks.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
IV.
Jaejoong is leaning lazily against a corridor window, this time around, sunlight shining in his hair and a detached look in his eyes; anyone would think he's there by mere chance, but Yunho knows better, especially when he steps out at the end of his class and the first thing he sees is the blond.
He walks past him quickly, forcing himself to look straight ahead, but a hand closes around his wrist and a teasing voice murmurs a Why, aren't we in friendlier terms than this? that sounds dirtier and more allusive than it should be.
Yunho jerks his hand away, turns around in a flash and yells “ Stay the fuck away from me!” with so much fury and vehemence that he surprises even himself. The smirk on Jaejoong's face grows even smugger, though, and with deep, deep shame Yunho realizes he's just shouted in the middle of a crowded hallway.
“Come with me. Now.” Yunho hisses, and stalks away through the clusters of whispering students. He doesn't look back to see if Jaejoong is following, because he's sure he is.
- - -
“What the fuck do you think you were doing?” he flares up once they're alone in the hollow space under a deserted staircase.
Jaejoong shrugs carelessly, playing with a lock of golden hair. “I just greeted you. No need to get so worked up over something like that... one would expect a little more self control from someone like you, Mr. President” he grins.
“Fuck you”, Yunho mutters, and Jaejoong's responding smirk is that of a cat playing with a particularly interesting mouse.
“I'm sure you'd love that” he says, closing the distance between himself and Yunho “why don't you give it a try?”
The last words are whispered directly into Yunho's ear, in a breath of hot air that makes him shiver. He takes a deep breath and pushes Jaejoong away, walking back until he finds a spot with no walls behind for Jaejoong to back him against.
“Why?” he asks, and his voice betrays the anger and confusion he’s feeling, “why won’t you leave me alone?”
“Because this is a game, and I won't lose. Not to you.”
Jaejoong's smile is cold, his words chilling despite the alluring sensuality lurking somewhere in his tone, in the light sway of his hips as he walks towards Yunho and takes his tie between his fingers, playing with it.
“You're sick” Yunho whispers, almost imperceptibly, but his eyes follow Jaejoong's pale fingers as they trace invisible patterns on his dark blue tie.
“You’re everything I don’t want to be.”
Jaejoong looks up and Yunho's gaze follows with unwilling fascination, until their eyes meet and Jaejoong is smiling again, the edges of his smile sharp like broken glass. It comes suddenly, a tug at Yunho's tie and Jaejoong is mashing their lips together, bruising and cruel, a kiss that isn't a kiss but some sort of twisted declaration.
Yunho's startled cry is muffled by Jaejoong's mouth, and he finds that Jaejoong is now gripping his wrists with surprising force, trapping him; and yet he doesn't push him away, doesn't try to break free from his hold. Adrenaline sings wildly in his veins, carried by a rush of anger and excitement that takes him by surprise for an instant, and then he's kissing back with equal ferocity, fighting with lips and teeth and tongue, forcing Jaejoong’s lips to open for him, ravaging his mouth with fury.
It ends as quickly as it began, with Jaejoong pulling away from him and licking his bruised lips with a smirk.
“Keep playing dirty” he says, eyes shining in a predatory way. “It makes things more interesting.”
Yunho stands there as Jaejoong leaves, and wonders what the hell is wrong with him. What the hell is wrong with himself.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
V.
She walks away quickly, hands fisted at her sides, her quiet sobs reaching Yunho's ears. He sighs and opens his locker, rummaging through the neat stack of books until he finds the ones he needs; then leans his back wearily against the cold metal and closes his eyes. Thunder growls at the edges of the lead-coloured sky, heavy with promises of rain.
“Made her cry, didn't you?” a voice drawls near his ear, followed by a waft of smoke. “I thought you were supposed to follow the crying princess and take her in your arms, telling her how you just realized your true feelings or something”.
“I think you watch too many dramas, Jaejoong” Yunho replies back without opening his eyes; he vaguely wishes he could magically merge with the locker and disappear, because the last thing he wants right now is to deal with Jaejoong's sarcasm.
“She was rather pretty too” Jaejoong comments thoughtfully “you could at least have had some fun with her, before turning her down with some lousy excuse like that 'I'm sorry, I don't have time for a girlfriend, right now' of yours.”
“Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the way you do” Yunho replies scathingly “and if you like her that much you can try and ask her out yourself”.
“Unfortunately, I happen not to like girls”, is Jaejoong's airy reply, and Yunho tenses at his open admission, feeling his heart thump faster in a mix of emotions that are mostly excitement and fear.
He opens his eyes and finds that Jaejoong's face is too close to his own for comfort, but refuses to back away, returning the stare he's receiving. Jaejoong's hand rises to touch the bare skin on Yunho's neck, stroking it almost absentmindedly despite the malicious glint in his eyes.
Yunho shivers, and before realizing it he's leaning against the cool fingertips caressing his skin; Jaejoong chuckles cruelly and withdraws his hand. The look in his eyes is one of cold satisfaction, now, and Yunho feels the familiar bubble of anger starting to simmer deep inside him, anger at the way Jaejoong messes up with his head and then laughs at his confusion as if it were some sort of brilliant joke only he can get.
“How long till you break, Mr. President?” Jaejoong asks in a low purr, eyes mocking him from under lowered lashes. A flash of lightning bathes his face in a livid light, giving him an almost sinister air, and Yunho gasps when Jaejoong presses himself against him and palms him roughly through the cotton of his uniform pants.
“No!” he roars, slams Jaejoong against the lockers with enough force to bruise. Their faces are inches apart, Jaejoong's dark irises burning into his own with unflinching intensity, derisive and unfathomable as usual, and Yunho feels his anger swell and start to overflow. He fists the front of Jaejoong's uniform, the desire to hit him and make all this madness stop growing more and more intense.
“If I fuck you, will you leave me alone?” he snarls instead, barely controlling the furious trembling of his voice.
Jaejoong’s eyes narrow. “Don’t mistake me for some cheap whore looking for a lay” he hisses back dangerously “and I won't, because that's not the only thing I want from you.”
“What then?” Yunho growls, pressing harder against Jaejoong. He's shamefully aware of his erection against Jaejoong's thigh, but can't help but notice the bulge in the other boy's pants too, and this makes him - for the very first time - feel like he has some sort of power over him.
Jaejoong gasps, his hot breath tickling Yunho's lips. “I want to see your disgustingly perfect facade fall apart” he murmurs, his voice almost drowned by the rumble of thunder outside “because I can't stand it. Can't stand you”.
“Go to hell” Yunho snarls, and with a guttural moan he buries his face into Jaejoong's neck, biting the tender flesh in a way that rips a mewl from Jaejoong's lips. The blond boy's fingers claw painfully at his shoulders, not to push him away but to pull him in, and before everything disappears in a blur of heat and need Yunho knows he's just lost at whatever twisted game Jaejoong was playing at.
Later, when Jaejoong has already left, Yunho sits on the floor and gazes at the pouring rain, feeling lost as he's never felt before. It won't happen anymore, he tells himself sternly, but it's a lie, he already knows.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
VI.
It happens again, of course, every time Jaejoong feels like teasing him a little more than usual. It always happens at school - Yunho has no reason to invite Jaejoong over, and the same goes for Jaejoong - so he becomes very familiar with dusty storerooms and empty classrooms. Deep down he knows he could resist, if he really wanted to, but he prefers to think it's just his impulses acting.
Sex with Jaejoong is like a roller coaster ride: fast, intense and exhilarating. He fucks like he were angry at the world, at Yunho, or at himself, Yunho isn't completely sure; it feels like a battle for dominance, with the two of them constantly trying to crush the other into submission, even if it never really gets downright violent. He doesn't want to hurt Jaejoong, and Jaejoong doesn't really want to hurt him - physically, at least. It's like a ritualized duel between male wolves, a duel no one intends to concede.
And he needs it. He doesn't know when Jaejoong has become his outlet, but he has. He's also starting to understand that Jaejoong needs this too, and this knowledge makes him feel a little stronger, makes the unsteady, unknown ground he’s treading on a little more stable. Jaejoong is like a caged animal, he learns, seeking ways to escape an environment too suffocating for him. The only reason why Jaejoong can afford to act the way he does is his family's wealth, though, and Yunho learns how the blond hates to be reminded of this the very first time Yunho tells him flat what he thinks on the matter; Jaejoong snarls like a ferocious beast and attacks him with bruising kisses and vicious fingers, until Yunho forgets about everything but the heat of Jaejoong’s touch burning on his skin.
And among all this, Yunho keeps questioning himself about what he’s doing, but he never finds a good answer. On impulse he even asks Jaejoong once, What are we?, but Jaejoong gives him a look that’s half contemptuous and half alarmed and a Nothing more than this in reply.
“Don’t start with the sentimental crap”, he hisses.
Yunho doesn’t ask him anymore.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
VII.
The Math teacher has been droning on about differential equations for nearly a hour, and Yunho has to keep pinching his leg under the desk discreetly not to fall asleep. With dismay he eyes his notes, the messy scrawls among his regular handwriting marking all the points where he was about to doze off. His abused brain screams for sleep, sleep and more sleep, but he can’t afford it. Not now, not with approaching finals and the shadow of university entrance exams looming closer and closer.
He glances at Jaejoong, not surprised when he sees that the other boy is gazing out of the window dreamily with an idiotic half-smile on his face. He reminds himself to tease him about that, later, even if a little, traitorous part of his mind is finding the sight quite endearing.
Jaejoong just dyed his hair again - it’s still blond, but not that cold, pale platinum anymore; now his hair is a rich golden, warm and bright like a ray of summer sun against the wan late-autumn sky, and Yunho can’t take his eyes off him. Bare tree branches cast an irregular net of shadows on Yunho’s desk, the floor, the classroom’s walls; only Jaejoong seems to be untouched, and Yunho has the sudden, terrifying sensation of being in a cage, trapped in a prison that’s closing around him with ruthless determination. The words on his notes sway and blur in front of his eyes, and for an instant he’s weightless, floating; and then he falls, his face colliding with the cold plastic of his desk hard, and he barely manages to hear the terrified Jung-sshi! of the teacher before darkness closes around him and washes everything away.
- - -
He opens his eyes slowly, groaning in pain at the splitting headache that welcomes him as soon as he regains consciousness. He's lying down, but the hard, slightly uncomfortable mattress is definitely not his own.
“What happened?” he asks the ceiling.
“You passed out during Math” a familiar voice replies “you had a damn good timing, though, that was the most boring lesson ever.”
Yunho rolls his eyes - finding out that the gesture sends new jolts of pain through his brain - and turns his head to look at Jaejoong. He's perched on a stool beside the bed with a magazine, looking decidedly bored.
“And you're here because...?”
“I volunteered to bring you to the infirmary and to stay here with you, since the nurse left shortly after.”
“Good excuse to skip classes, right?” Yunho says dryly.
Jaejoong clutches his chest dramatically, looking at him with wounded eyes. “You hurt me!” he exclaims, and Yunho snorts into the pillow.
He lifts up cautiously, resting his back against the headboard; a wave of dizziness hits him, and he has to close his eyes until the room stops spinning and he doesn't feel like he's on a rollercoaster anymore. When he reopens them, he finds Jaejoong staring at him intently.
“How long have you been sleeping, these days?” he asks in a flat, unconcerned voice, but his eyes are pinning Yunho down like a butterfly and making him feel unreasonably guilty and exposed.
“That's not your business” Yunho says brusquely, averting his eyes.
“The nurse said you passed out from exhaustion and lack of sleep. You've got a slight fever too. There are many students that arrive here in the same condition as you these days, she said.”
“It's nothing serious” Yunho says dismissively “I can endure it.” I have to.
The look Jaejoong gives him is long and searching, unexpected like the fingers that come to rest lightly on his cheek. It's not really an affectionate gesture - Jaejoong looks more similar to a scientist who's studying with fascination some rare creature - but his fingers are gentle and warm against Yunho's skin nonetheless.
“Your eyes are those of a caged animal” he observes pensively, with something similar to detached pity, and Yunho gives him a blank stare.
“You're the one that acts like a caged animal, here” he replies, a little surprised by the direction the conversation is taking.
“Maybe. But for you it’s worse.”
“I'm doing what I think it's the best for me” Yunho says defensively “I don't feel caged”. Only sometimes, maybe?
Jaejoong's eyes are still on him, and his hand is still resting on his cheek. Then he shakes his head with a bemused expression.
“I still don't get you. I don't think I can get you. You and all those others.”
Yunho sighs, and wishes Jaejoong didn't choose to start philosophical conversations when he's feeling like shit and a massive headache is splitting his head in two.
“Look, I have goals in life. I want to study law in one of the best universities and become a lawyer like my father and my grandfather. I want to make my parents proud. I...can't stand the idea of feeling a failure, a disappointment. Of being nobody and of not being able to accomplish anything worth in my life.”
Silence stretches between them, heavy and uncomfortable. Jaejoong is not looking at him anymore, and Yunho wishes he could read what's behind his dark eyes and uncharacteristic silence.
“I think I should be going, now” Yunho says instead, standing up a little unsteadily “thank you for staying with me”.
Jaejoong seems to snap back to reality all of sudden. “Come on, I'll give you a ride home” he says gruffly, standing up as well; Yunho is pretty shocked by the offer, but feels too tired to refuse.
Jaejoong's car is sleek and black, as he expected, one of those expensive cars Yunho can only dream of. He sinks into the leather seat with a contented sigh, and the rest of the ride home is spent in a drowsy silence.
“Thank you” he mumbles when they reach his house, and he's about to open the door when Jaejoong grabs his shoulder and pulls him back, capturing his lips in a hard kiss before pushing him away again.
“You better get some sleep tonight, you hopeless idiot”, he mutters, looking away, and since he's obviously pretending no one said anything Yunho pretends he hasn't heard anything either, but can't fight back an involuntary little smile.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
VIII.
Yunho has hardly seen Jaejoong in weeks, except in class, and he surprises himself by realizing he sort of misses the blond boy’s presence. Except his entrance exams are in less than two months, and between that and his president duties he can't afford to waste even a second. Not even for Jaejoong.
He's on his way to the council room when a hand appears from behind a corner, grabs him and drags him away from the main hallway and into a small storeroom.
“Damn you, I'm not supposed to have to ambush people when I want to see them” Jaejoong hisses in his ear, managing to sound outraged and whiny at the same time. Yunho chuckles softly, feeling ridiculously happy for no reason at all.
Jaejoong takes a step back and eyes him critically, and Yunho knows he's taking in the dark circles under his eyes and his exhausted face and the way his uniform seems just a little too big for him, now.
“You look like shit” he finally declares, direct as always, and despite everything Yunho feels a dry smile tug at the corners of his mouth.
“I've probably looked better, yes” Yunho admits with a grimace, and Jaejoong raises an elegant eyebrow at the understatement.
“Your sense of duty is truly sickening” he states with conviction, before pushing Yunho against the wall unceremoniously.
“Jaejoong, I have a meeting in ten minutes!” Yunho squeals, trying - rather half-assedly, he has to admit - to push him away.
“Oh, shut up for once” Jaejoong retorts irritably, and drops to his knees in front of him. His fingers work quickly on Yunho’s belt and zipper, push his pants down until they pool around his ankles; his breath is hot against the front of Yunho’s underwear, and he feels himself starting to grow hard without even being touched.
Jaejoong’s lips brush across the slight bump of his hipbone as he inches down Yunho’s underwear until it falls on its own; he keeps kissing him lightly, with unusual gentleness, tracing a path of warmth across the sensitive skin of Yunho’s abdomen. Yunho gasps in surprise when his fingers smooth up his thigh and touch his half-hard cock, starting to stroke him to fullness at a leisurely pace that draws a long, shaky sigh from his lips.
Jaejoong looks up at him briefly with a knowing grin before kissing the tip of Yunho’s erection, licking away a pearly drop; his lips are hot, his mouth even hotter when it closes around him firmly and starts sucking. Yunho lets out an obscene little moan and tangles his fingers into Jaejoong’s hair, stroking his soft locks and silently urging him forward.
“Please…” he whispers, and he’s not even sure what he’s asking for, but Jaejoong takes him deeper, running his tongue up and down the underside of his cock while his finger glide up the soft, quivering flesh of his inner thighs to fondle his balls.
And then suddenly the warmth of Jaejoong’s mouth leaves him; with a small noise of disappointment he opens his eyes to look down, only to see that Jaejoong is unscrewing a familiar tube, coating his fingers with the clear substance before tossing it away.
“No, wait, I can’t -” he tries to say, but Jaejoong presses a wet kiss to the head of his cock, flicking his tongue into the slit for the briefest moment, and all sensible thoughts fly from Yunho’s mind instantly.
Jaejoong’s hand moves between Yunho’s legs again, caressing his skin, coaxing him to spread his legs further; Yunho’s body obeys, responding to the firm gentleness of the blond boy’s touch, or maybe just too bewildered by it to react. He feels Jaejoong’s fingers slide between his cheeks to circle his entrance, gasps when that slick wetness enters him carefully. The blond boy’s mouth closes around his aching erection again, this time tighter, hotter, faster, and Yunho realizes he’s the one who’s making all those embarrassing sounds but doesn’t care anymore, too overpowered by the pleasure Jaejoong is giving him. And then Jaejoong pushes his finger in a little deeper, pressing against the right spot; Yunho’s vision goes white for an instant before he comes violently, emptying himself inside Jaejoong’s mouth without even being able to warn him beforehand.
Jaejoong pulls away from Yunho slowly, licking his lips with a feline grin, and watches as he slides to the floor ungracefully, his shaking legs failing to support him.
Yunho leans his head back against the wall and waits for his heart to stop racing and for his mind to clear out a bit before glancing at Jaejoong again, who's looking pretty satisfied with himself. He smiles uncertainly, not used to see that flicker of warmth in Jaejoong's eyes nor to discover that the sight of it affects him quite so much.
“You... want help with that?” he finally says, making a vague gesture towards the bulge tenting the blond boy's pants. He's surprised to hear himself ask that, because until now their relationship has been based on taking something from the other, never on giving willingly, and from the way Jaejoong's eyes widen a little at his words he understand he realizes it too.
Jaejoong laughs, sounding a little embarrassed, and shakes his head.
“You should get going, your meeting started five minutes ago.”
Yunho stares at Jaejoong for a second and then glances at his watch.
“Fuck!” he yells, and leaps to his feet, almost smashing his face against a cupboard when he trips into the clothes tangled around his ankles. He gets dressed at light speed and dashes out the room, only to run back a second later.
“Thank you” he says sheepishly, and Jaejoong grins at him.
“I'll have you pay me back next time” he answers, confident smirk back in place.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
IX.
The air on the roof is cold, but the midday sun provides a pleasant warmth, and Yunho likes there better than the stuffy, hot classrooms. He turns a page of his Korean Literature textbook, mentally repeating the parts he needs to remember before moving on.
A shadows falls over him, followed by a body dropping heavily besides his.
“God, I'm dead” Jaejoong declares dramatically, and lies down to rest his head on a bewildered Yunho's lap.
“I'm not your pillow, Jaejoong” he finally says, but with very little irritation in his voice.
“I stayed up all night to study for today's test” Jaejoong groans “my head is going to explode.”
“That's because you tried to cram everything in your brain all at once” Yunho replies with amusement, poking Jaejoong's side teasingly, but secretly pleased that Jaejoong is at least trying to take school seriously.
“Really, I don't know how you manage to survive by sleeping so little” he whines “I feel like I could sleep for a hundred years.”
“You can sleep a little now, next class is in a hour and half” Yunho says “but don't expect me to wake you up with a kiss, Sleeping Beauty.”
“Idiot” Jaejoong grouses, but nuzzles Yunho's thigh to get himself comfortable and closes his eyes.
Yunho goes back to his book, but his gaze keeps straying to the blond head in his lap; Jaejoong’s hair shine in the sun, inviting the touch with its tantalizing softness, and he regrets being allowed to sink his fingers into it only when Jaejoong is on his knees sucking him off, or in the brief interlude after sex when they’re too exhausted to move and Jaejoong doesn’t have the strength to protest if Yunho plays with his hair.
Jaejoong’s breathing slows down to a soft, steady rhythm, and Yunho can’t resist the temptation to brush a few stray locks away from his sleeping face. His fingers tangles into the golden mass by their own accord, stroking it with the light, careful gentleness he’d use to pet a skittish cat, and feels an odd flutter in his chest when Jaejoong seems to unconsciously seek his touch.
What am I doing? he asks himself, suddenly struck by the thought of what people would think if they saw him now, Jaejoong's head in his lap and him caressing his hair, almost as if they were… lovers.
“Why did you stop?” Jaejoong mumbles into Yunho’s thigh, without opening his eyes.
“I thought you were asleep!” Yunho exclaims, removing his hand fast and choosing not to answer the actual question.
“’twas nice” Jaejoong says quickly “I don’t mind it.”
Yunho chuckles nervously, but his fingers tangle themselves in Jaejoong’s golden hair once more, and for a while no one speaks again.
“Yunho, what should I do?” Jaejoong says suddenly, and for the first time since he knows him Yunho hears something like a note of panic touch his voice.
Yunho looks at him interrogatively, never stopping to stroke his blond head.
“I have no purpose, no direction” he continues, playing with the buttons of Yunho’s uniform “your path is set in front of you so clearly, while I can’t even see the next step I’ll take. And I know I can’t be like you.”
Yunho’s hand slides down to cup Jaejoong’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb with awkward tenderness.
“That’s not the only way to be” he whispers, and as soon as these words leave his lips he understands just how much Jaejoong has changed him, and how much this odd, untamed boy means to him. On impulse he bends down until their foreheads are touching and holds him tight, ignoring Jaejoong’s startled 'Yunho?'
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
X.
Graduation Day comes and goes in a blur; Yunho is sitting in the gym together with all the other third year students, bored out of his mind by the seeming endless speech of the principal. No one around him seems to be paying attention, and in the buzz of chatters and barely contained laughter he searches for Jaejoong, discovering that the blond is sitting a few rows away from him and he’s looking at Yunho too. When their eyes meet, Jaejoong offers him a weak smile, and lets his gaze linger a little longer before looking away.
When the speech ends and they all clap politely and stand up, rushing to the back to take pictures with parents and friends, Jaejoong approaches him gingerly, whispers Come here tonight? in his ear, and Yunho feels the sudden impulse to drag Jaejoong to his parents - Mom, Dad, this is Kim Jaejoong, yes, he’s a friend from school - imagines his mother’s surprise and his father’s disapproving gaze as he eyes Jaejoong’s bleached hair and flashy piercings.
“Okay”, he whispers back instead, his fingers brushing Jaejoong’s in an almost apologetic way, and walks towards his family, gripping his diploma tight.
- - -
Jaejoong waits for him at the school gate, black jacket blending with the night so that only his golden hair and pale face stand out in the darkness. He unlocks the gate - Yunho doesn’t even want to know why he has a copy of the key in the first place - and they slip in quietly.
“I don’t know why I agreed to come” Yunho mutters darkly, shivering despite his warm jacket “it’s freezing, out here.”
They cross the school’s deserted corridors in a silence broken only by the echo of their footsteps, guided by the dim glow of the moon - and when Jaejoong stumbles on a step Yunho is fast to catch him.
“Thanks” Jaejoong mumbles, and doesn’t let go of Yunho’s hand.
- - -
Their old classroom looks eerie, in the dark, but they don’t dare turning on the lights for fear of being discovered. Jaejoong sits on his desk and gazes out of the window as he used to do.
“Jaejoong…” Yunho starts, but Jaejoong is faster.
“I’m going to move overseas for the next few years…maybe I’ll attend college there too, I don’t know yet.”
Yunho feels a weight sink in his chest. “Where?”
“Europe, I think. There are a lot of places I want to see, there.”
The lump in Yunho’s throat chokes his words, and his Why? comes out shakier and more pathetic than he wanted it to be.
Jaejoong turns to look at him, his features soft and wistful in the moonlight. “That’s not the only way to be, he quotes quietly, and Yunho recognizes his own words, hates them.
“I can’t stay, there’s nothing for me here” he continues, pauses, and then something like childish hope shimmers in his eyes. “You could come with me. Come with me, Yunhoyah.”
Yunho takes a step forward and wraps his arms tightly around Jaejoong’s waist, hides his face into the crook of Jaejoong’s neck and stifles a sob against his skin.
“You know I can’t leave” he whispers, trying desperately to keep the broken edge out of his voice, “my life is here. My future is here.”
He feels Jaejoong tremble in his arms, and for the first time since he knows him he looks small and fragile and lost. A lone tear shines down Jaejoong’s cheek; I know, he murmurs, barely audibly, and the only thing Yunho can do is wipe away the drop with his thumb and caress Jaejoong’s skin with his lips. He wishes Jaejoong had shown him this side of him sooner, but then he would have fallen for him faster, harder, and this would hurt even more.
Jaejoong turns inside the circle of his arms until they’re facing each other and cups Yunho’s face with both hands, gazing at him.
“I’ll never forget you” he says, and presses his lips against Yunho’s, sweet and painful and impossibly tender; it’s the first kiss they share that lacks the need to overpower and conquer, Yunho realizes, and it’s going to be the last as well.
“I lo-” he starts, but Jaejoong presses a finger to his lips, shakes his head.
“Thank you.”
They spend the night curled up on the classroom floor, holding each other tight and watching the stars twinkle in the cold sky beyond the glass.
.End
Comments are ♥♥♥. Especially on this fic, cause I’m not satisfied with it and I’d love to know what you guys think about it ._.
Pairing(s): JaeHo
Length: One-shot
Word count: 6600~
Rating: Hard R
Genre: Highschool AU, Angst, Romance
Summary: the usual clichéd highschool fic, in ten steps.
Notes: Uhm. I don’t really know what the hell I was thinking when I started this ._.’’ I do prefer writing real life kind of fics, but I just *had* to write this one before it ate my brain. DX And since my policy is to always finish the fics I start writing, here it is.
I warn you, it’s a very…disconnected fic. And pretty long. And I know I screwed up the timeline a bit and likely stuff about Korean schools as well, but take it as poetic license ^^; Also, I didn’t stress it too much in the fic, but it’s actually a leading theme, so you have to read THIS first. Read it, please? It’s very short and it’ll help you understand the story better.
Finally, I’d like to apologize to Katya for not writing her fic first >__< I started that too, I swear!
And, Melyssa, I didn’t send it to you cause I realized I was overreacting (*coughs*), and besides you were/are already so busy with your life, so… ^^; much love to you for listening to me when I bitched about this, though ♥
Thanks to Tokio Hotel for being awesome and singing equally awesome songs, too XD I listened to Ready Set Go non-stop when I was writing this. ♥
Oh, and a HAGWON is a for-profit private cram school prevalent in South Korea. For families that can afford it, hagwon education usually starts at or before elementary level. It is common for Korean school children to attend one or more hagwon after their school. (From Wikipedia)
We’ll say goodbye, lost heaven
how we longed for heaven
we’re letting go of something we never had
time goes so fast, heaven is lost
Lost Heaven, L’Arc~en~Ciel
I.
A thin spiral of smoke wafts slowly through the darkening sky, and Yunho knows who's the one smoking inside the school grounds instinctively, without even needing to see. He's there as usual, back propped against the railing and legs outstretched in front of him on the cold concrete of the school roof, a cigarette between his fingers and a distant look on his face.
“Smoking here is forbidden” Yunho says quietly, fighting to keep the irritation out of his voice.
The other takes another drag, slowly and leisurely as if he were tasting the lips of a lover instead of poisonous smoke, and then raises his gaze, a look of studied boredom etched on his beautiful features.
“I know” he says eventually, his lips finding the cigarette once again “so what?”
Yunho doesn't say anything, because he knows there's nothing to say. They had this conversation countless times before and he feels like he’s acting in a well-rehearsed play, just he’s not really sure which roles he and him are playing.
“Well? Don't you have better places to be? I thought there was a student council meeting today, Mr. President” the other boy says easily, making a vague gesture with his hand towards the main building.
“The meeting ended fifteen minutes ago, Jaejoong, and the school is going to close soon, so unless you fancy sleeping under the stars you might consider going home.”
The one called Jaejoong murmurs something under his breath that Yunho doesn't catch and flashes him an impertinent grin. He stands up - Yunho doesn't offer his hand, but he knows Jaejoong would never take it anyway - and dusts his uniform off carefully, straightening invisible crinkles in his pants with exaggerated care.
“See you around, then, Mr. President” Jaejoong murmurs, and takes a step closer to Yunho before blowing smoke straight in his face. Startled, Yunho chokes on the bitter smoke, the sound of his coughs drowned by Jaejoong’s sardonic laugh.
“Don't do that ever again” Yunho hisses venomously as soon as he manages, clutching Jaejoong's wrist so tightly he feels the blond boy’s pulse skitter against his palm. He sees a flash of pain cut across his smirk and tightens his hold a little, just for the twisted pleasure of seeing him wince.
“Or else what? You give me detention and a line to write down 500 times?” the other retorts mockingly, sneering at him through clenched teeth.
Yunho’s fingers are itching to ruin that pretty face with a well-placed blow, but he restrains himself; he knows Jaejoong wants to pick a fight, wants him to lose control, and he isn't going to give him the satisfaction.
He releases Jaejoong slowly, watching with grim pleasure the finger marks blooming red on the pale skin of the boy's wrist. Jaejoong's face is close to his one, white-blond hair framing the marble perfection of his face, fierce dark eyes and alluring red lips. A crazy, unwanted thought is running in circles in the back of Yunho’s brain, If I kissed him now, would he taste like smoke? and How would it feel?, but he pushes the thought away, pushes Jaejoong away from him roughly.
The blond boy staggers but keeps his balance, angry dark eyes piercing through Yunho's soul. He drops the cigarette butt at Yunho's feet, crushes it under his heel and walks away with that air of careless disdain that never fails to make Yunho’s blood boil in anger.
His eyes follow Jaejoong’s figure, though, unable to look away; his shirt is untucked, hanging out of his uniform messily, and Yunho almost yells at him to fix it - it's against the school rules, after all - , before remembering it's Jaejoong he's talking about. He's Jaejoong, and pretty much everything about him goes against the rules, from his bleached hair to his piercings to the way he skips lessons when he’s bored or sleeps through half of them.
Yunho dislikes him - he's a spoiled, rich brat who behaves like he owns the world just because his father is always abroad and gives the school consistent donations - and yet there's something more, something he has trouble admitting to himself. He's not sure whether it's envy or attraction or simple curiosity, all he's sure of is that he doesn't want it. He wants nothing to do with Kim Jaejoong and with his arrogant, ungovernable behavior.
He stares at Jaejoong’s back until he disappears down the stairs.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
II.
Yunho gazes at the clear sky absent-mindedly, a thick History book open in front of him and a half-eaten lunchbox in his lap; beyond the thin glass of the classroom window people are laughing and talking loudly to each other. He makes out Jaejoong's voice among the chatter and yells and can't resist the temptation to open the window just a little to peek down; the warm breeze carries in Jaejoong's thunderous laugh, and he watches with bemusement the blond boy telling something to his friends and waving his arms around in a way that Yunho finds utterly ridiculous. The one beside him - Park Yoochun, Yunho recalls, the guy from America who transferred recently - pipes in every now and then, causing bursts of hilarity from the others. At some point Yoochun says something really outrageous - at least judging from the others’ faces - and Jaejoong bursts out laughing so hard that he topples over and lands on him, and they just keep laughing together, heads close and matching grins on their faces.
Jaejoong’s laugh is free, unrestrained, and triggers an unconscious smile on Yunho’s lips - until Jaejoong looks up, sees him, and the warm amusement in his eyes immediately freezes into something hard and cold and defiant.
Yunho tears himself away from the window, slams it shut and draws the curtains so fast they threaten to rip off their hooks, feeling unreasonably angry.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
III.
Long shadows creep across the hallway, the sky outside painted in red and gold by the last rays of dying sun. Yunho rushes to his classroom to retrieve a forgotten book, a stash of papers from the meeting he’s just attended to tucked under his arm. He glances at his watch, only to discover he’s going to be late to hagwon, if he doesn’t hurry, so he sprints down the deserted corridor until he reaches his classroom’s door.
His hand is turning the doorknob when he hears a low, sensual moan, the rustle of clothes against bare skin, unmistakable panting breaths. The door slides open silently under his fingertips, and the first thing he sees is a dark-haired boy with his back on him - he can’t really tell who he is - and then pale, naked legs hooked around the boy’s waist, and platinum hair against the deep blue of his uniform-clad shoulder, and he knows it’s Jaejoong, he knows because he’s the only one who could possibly dye his hair blond and get away with it.
Yunho’s blood is pounding in his ears in a deafening rush; he takes a step back, and in that instant Jaejoong lifts his head up from a spot against the boy’s neck - he can see a glaring purple mark, there - and meets his eyes. There’s a fleeting flash of surprise in his dark orbs, immediately replaced by a sly, predatory gaze as his lips curl into a smirk, tempting and challenging at the same time.
And Yunho knows, knows he’s swallowed the bait the moment when his legs refuse to carry him away from there, when he can’t find enough voice and authority to yell at them to stop, when he can’t look away from Jaejoong’s flushed face, from the way his eyes flutter shut with every wave of pleasure.
He feels a surge of irrational hate for the unnamed boy, the boy who’s fucking Jaejoong into the wall, hates the guttural sounds he makes when he thrusts into the blond and the ungraceful, messy way his body moves; and he hates Jaejoong even more, even if every fiber of his body is responding to the way he claws his fingernails into the other boy’s back, to the sensual bow of his mouth, open in a string of soft pants and cries. And then Jaejoong throws his head back and moans louder, with wild abandon, and the spell is broken.
Yunho runs away as fast as he can, leaving behind the echo of hurried footsteps and a flurry of scattered sheets.
He doesn’t go to his hagwon, that evening. He storms home instead, waving his mother’s questions off and locking himself in the bathroom. He stands under the icy spray of the shower, a hand fisted around his cock and tears of anger and shame and confusion running down his cheeks.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
IV.
Jaejoong is leaning lazily against a corridor window, this time around, sunlight shining in his hair and a detached look in his eyes; anyone would think he's there by mere chance, but Yunho knows better, especially when he steps out at the end of his class and the first thing he sees is the blond.
He walks past him quickly, forcing himself to look straight ahead, but a hand closes around his wrist and a teasing voice murmurs a Why, aren't we in friendlier terms than this? that sounds dirtier and more allusive than it should be.
Yunho jerks his hand away, turns around in a flash and yells “ Stay the fuck away from me!” with so much fury and vehemence that he surprises even himself. The smirk on Jaejoong's face grows even smugger, though, and with deep, deep shame Yunho realizes he's just shouted in the middle of a crowded hallway.
“Come with me. Now.” Yunho hisses, and stalks away through the clusters of whispering students. He doesn't look back to see if Jaejoong is following, because he's sure he is.
- - -
“What the fuck do you think you were doing?” he flares up once they're alone in the hollow space under a deserted staircase.
Jaejoong shrugs carelessly, playing with a lock of golden hair. “I just greeted you. No need to get so worked up over something like that... one would expect a little more self control from someone like you, Mr. President” he grins.
“Fuck you”, Yunho mutters, and Jaejoong's responding smirk is that of a cat playing with a particularly interesting mouse.
“I'm sure you'd love that” he says, closing the distance between himself and Yunho “why don't you give it a try?”
The last words are whispered directly into Yunho's ear, in a breath of hot air that makes him shiver. He takes a deep breath and pushes Jaejoong away, walking back until he finds a spot with no walls behind for Jaejoong to back him against.
“Why?” he asks, and his voice betrays the anger and confusion he’s feeling, “why won’t you leave me alone?”
“Because this is a game, and I won't lose. Not to you.”
Jaejoong's smile is cold, his words chilling despite the alluring sensuality lurking somewhere in his tone, in the light sway of his hips as he walks towards Yunho and takes his tie between his fingers, playing with it.
“You're sick” Yunho whispers, almost imperceptibly, but his eyes follow Jaejoong's pale fingers as they trace invisible patterns on his dark blue tie.
“You’re everything I don’t want to be.”
Jaejoong looks up and Yunho's gaze follows with unwilling fascination, until their eyes meet and Jaejoong is smiling again, the edges of his smile sharp like broken glass. It comes suddenly, a tug at Yunho's tie and Jaejoong is mashing their lips together, bruising and cruel, a kiss that isn't a kiss but some sort of twisted declaration.
Yunho's startled cry is muffled by Jaejoong's mouth, and he finds that Jaejoong is now gripping his wrists with surprising force, trapping him; and yet he doesn't push him away, doesn't try to break free from his hold. Adrenaline sings wildly in his veins, carried by a rush of anger and excitement that takes him by surprise for an instant, and then he's kissing back with equal ferocity, fighting with lips and teeth and tongue, forcing Jaejoong’s lips to open for him, ravaging his mouth with fury.
It ends as quickly as it began, with Jaejoong pulling away from him and licking his bruised lips with a smirk.
“Keep playing dirty” he says, eyes shining in a predatory way. “It makes things more interesting.”
Yunho stands there as Jaejoong leaves, and wonders what the hell is wrong with him. What the hell is wrong with himself.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
V.
She walks away quickly, hands fisted at her sides, her quiet sobs reaching Yunho's ears. He sighs and opens his locker, rummaging through the neat stack of books until he finds the ones he needs; then leans his back wearily against the cold metal and closes his eyes. Thunder growls at the edges of the lead-coloured sky, heavy with promises of rain.
“Made her cry, didn't you?” a voice drawls near his ear, followed by a waft of smoke. “I thought you were supposed to follow the crying princess and take her in your arms, telling her how you just realized your true feelings or something”.
“I think you watch too many dramas, Jaejoong” Yunho replies back without opening his eyes; he vaguely wishes he could magically merge with the locker and disappear, because the last thing he wants right now is to deal with Jaejoong's sarcasm.
“She was rather pretty too” Jaejoong comments thoughtfully “you could at least have had some fun with her, before turning her down with some lousy excuse like that 'I'm sorry, I don't have time for a girlfriend, right now' of yours.”
“Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the way you do” Yunho replies scathingly “and if you like her that much you can try and ask her out yourself”.
“Unfortunately, I happen not to like girls”, is Jaejoong's airy reply, and Yunho tenses at his open admission, feeling his heart thump faster in a mix of emotions that are mostly excitement and fear.
He opens his eyes and finds that Jaejoong's face is too close to his own for comfort, but refuses to back away, returning the stare he's receiving. Jaejoong's hand rises to touch the bare skin on Yunho's neck, stroking it almost absentmindedly despite the malicious glint in his eyes.
Yunho shivers, and before realizing it he's leaning against the cool fingertips caressing his skin; Jaejoong chuckles cruelly and withdraws his hand. The look in his eyes is one of cold satisfaction, now, and Yunho feels the familiar bubble of anger starting to simmer deep inside him, anger at the way Jaejoong messes up with his head and then laughs at his confusion as if it were some sort of brilliant joke only he can get.
“How long till you break, Mr. President?” Jaejoong asks in a low purr, eyes mocking him from under lowered lashes. A flash of lightning bathes his face in a livid light, giving him an almost sinister air, and Yunho gasps when Jaejoong presses himself against him and palms him roughly through the cotton of his uniform pants.
“No!” he roars, slams Jaejoong against the lockers with enough force to bruise. Their faces are inches apart, Jaejoong's dark irises burning into his own with unflinching intensity, derisive and unfathomable as usual, and Yunho feels his anger swell and start to overflow. He fists the front of Jaejoong's uniform, the desire to hit him and make all this madness stop growing more and more intense.
“If I fuck you, will you leave me alone?” he snarls instead, barely controlling the furious trembling of his voice.
Jaejoong’s eyes narrow. “Don’t mistake me for some cheap whore looking for a lay” he hisses back dangerously “and I won't, because that's not the only thing I want from you.”
“What then?” Yunho growls, pressing harder against Jaejoong. He's shamefully aware of his erection against Jaejoong's thigh, but can't help but notice the bulge in the other boy's pants too, and this makes him - for the very first time - feel like he has some sort of power over him.
Jaejoong gasps, his hot breath tickling Yunho's lips. “I want to see your disgustingly perfect facade fall apart” he murmurs, his voice almost drowned by the rumble of thunder outside “because I can't stand it. Can't stand you”.
“Go to hell” Yunho snarls, and with a guttural moan he buries his face into Jaejoong's neck, biting the tender flesh in a way that rips a mewl from Jaejoong's lips. The blond boy's fingers claw painfully at his shoulders, not to push him away but to pull him in, and before everything disappears in a blur of heat and need Yunho knows he's just lost at whatever twisted game Jaejoong was playing at.
Later, when Jaejoong has already left, Yunho sits on the floor and gazes at the pouring rain, feeling lost as he's never felt before. It won't happen anymore, he tells himself sternly, but it's a lie, he already knows.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
VI.
It happens again, of course, every time Jaejoong feels like teasing him a little more than usual. It always happens at school - Yunho has no reason to invite Jaejoong over, and the same goes for Jaejoong - so he becomes very familiar with dusty storerooms and empty classrooms. Deep down he knows he could resist, if he really wanted to, but he prefers to think it's just his impulses acting.
Sex with Jaejoong is like a roller coaster ride: fast, intense and exhilarating. He fucks like he were angry at the world, at Yunho, or at himself, Yunho isn't completely sure; it feels like a battle for dominance, with the two of them constantly trying to crush the other into submission, even if it never really gets downright violent. He doesn't want to hurt Jaejoong, and Jaejoong doesn't really want to hurt him - physically, at least. It's like a ritualized duel between male wolves, a duel no one intends to concede.
And he needs it. He doesn't know when Jaejoong has become his outlet, but he has. He's also starting to understand that Jaejoong needs this too, and this knowledge makes him feel a little stronger, makes the unsteady, unknown ground he’s treading on a little more stable. Jaejoong is like a caged animal, he learns, seeking ways to escape an environment too suffocating for him. The only reason why Jaejoong can afford to act the way he does is his family's wealth, though, and Yunho learns how the blond hates to be reminded of this the very first time Yunho tells him flat what he thinks on the matter; Jaejoong snarls like a ferocious beast and attacks him with bruising kisses and vicious fingers, until Yunho forgets about everything but the heat of Jaejoong’s touch burning on his skin.
And among all this, Yunho keeps questioning himself about what he’s doing, but he never finds a good answer. On impulse he even asks Jaejoong once, What are we?, but Jaejoong gives him a look that’s half contemptuous and half alarmed and a Nothing more than this in reply.
“Don’t start with the sentimental crap”, he hisses.
Yunho doesn’t ask him anymore.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
VII.
The Math teacher has been droning on about differential equations for nearly a hour, and Yunho has to keep pinching his leg under the desk discreetly not to fall asleep. With dismay he eyes his notes, the messy scrawls among his regular handwriting marking all the points where he was about to doze off. His abused brain screams for sleep, sleep and more sleep, but he can’t afford it. Not now, not with approaching finals and the shadow of university entrance exams looming closer and closer.
He glances at Jaejoong, not surprised when he sees that the other boy is gazing out of the window dreamily with an idiotic half-smile on his face. He reminds himself to tease him about that, later, even if a little, traitorous part of his mind is finding the sight quite endearing.
Jaejoong just dyed his hair again - it’s still blond, but not that cold, pale platinum anymore; now his hair is a rich golden, warm and bright like a ray of summer sun against the wan late-autumn sky, and Yunho can’t take his eyes off him. Bare tree branches cast an irregular net of shadows on Yunho’s desk, the floor, the classroom’s walls; only Jaejoong seems to be untouched, and Yunho has the sudden, terrifying sensation of being in a cage, trapped in a prison that’s closing around him with ruthless determination. The words on his notes sway and blur in front of his eyes, and for an instant he’s weightless, floating; and then he falls, his face colliding with the cold plastic of his desk hard, and he barely manages to hear the terrified Jung-sshi! of the teacher before darkness closes around him and washes everything away.
- - -
He opens his eyes slowly, groaning in pain at the splitting headache that welcomes him as soon as he regains consciousness. He's lying down, but the hard, slightly uncomfortable mattress is definitely not his own.
“What happened?” he asks the ceiling.
“You passed out during Math” a familiar voice replies “you had a damn good timing, though, that was the most boring lesson ever.”
Yunho rolls his eyes - finding out that the gesture sends new jolts of pain through his brain - and turns his head to look at Jaejoong. He's perched on a stool beside the bed with a magazine, looking decidedly bored.
“And you're here because...?”
“I volunteered to bring you to the infirmary and to stay here with you, since the nurse left shortly after.”
“Good excuse to skip classes, right?” Yunho says dryly.
Jaejoong clutches his chest dramatically, looking at him with wounded eyes. “You hurt me!” he exclaims, and Yunho snorts into the pillow.
He lifts up cautiously, resting his back against the headboard; a wave of dizziness hits him, and he has to close his eyes until the room stops spinning and he doesn't feel like he's on a rollercoaster anymore. When he reopens them, he finds Jaejoong staring at him intently.
“How long have you been sleeping, these days?” he asks in a flat, unconcerned voice, but his eyes are pinning Yunho down like a butterfly and making him feel unreasonably guilty and exposed.
“That's not your business” Yunho says brusquely, averting his eyes.
“The nurse said you passed out from exhaustion and lack of sleep. You've got a slight fever too. There are many students that arrive here in the same condition as you these days, she said.”
“It's nothing serious” Yunho says dismissively “I can endure it.” I have to.
The look Jaejoong gives him is long and searching, unexpected like the fingers that come to rest lightly on his cheek. It's not really an affectionate gesture - Jaejoong looks more similar to a scientist who's studying with fascination some rare creature - but his fingers are gentle and warm against Yunho's skin nonetheless.
“Your eyes are those of a caged animal” he observes pensively, with something similar to detached pity, and Yunho gives him a blank stare.
“You're the one that acts like a caged animal, here” he replies, a little surprised by the direction the conversation is taking.
“Maybe. But for you it’s worse.”
“I'm doing what I think it's the best for me” Yunho says defensively “I don't feel caged”. Only sometimes, maybe?
Jaejoong's eyes are still on him, and his hand is still resting on his cheek. Then he shakes his head with a bemused expression.
“I still don't get you. I don't think I can get you. You and all those others.”
Yunho sighs, and wishes Jaejoong didn't choose to start philosophical conversations when he's feeling like shit and a massive headache is splitting his head in two.
“Look, I have goals in life. I want to study law in one of the best universities and become a lawyer like my father and my grandfather. I want to make my parents proud. I...can't stand the idea of feeling a failure, a disappointment. Of being nobody and of not being able to accomplish anything worth in my life.”
Silence stretches between them, heavy and uncomfortable. Jaejoong is not looking at him anymore, and Yunho wishes he could read what's behind his dark eyes and uncharacteristic silence.
“I think I should be going, now” Yunho says instead, standing up a little unsteadily “thank you for staying with me”.
Jaejoong seems to snap back to reality all of sudden. “Come on, I'll give you a ride home” he says gruffly, standing up as well; Yunho is pretty shocked by the offer, but feels too tired to refuse.
Jaejoong's car is sleek and black, as he expected, one of those expensive cars Yunho can only dream of. He sinks into the leather seat with a contented sigh, and the rest of the ride home is spent in a drowsy silence.
“Thank you” he mumbles when they reach his house, and he's about to open the door when Jaejoong grabs his shoulder and pulls him back, capturing his lips in a hard kiss before pushing him away again.
“You better get some sleep tonight, you hopeless idiot”, he mutters, looking away, and since he's obviously pretending no one said anything Yunho pretends he hasn't heard anything either, but can't fight back an involuntary little smile.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
VIII.
Yunho has hardly seen Jaejoong in weeks, except in class, and he surprises himself by realizing he sort of misses the blond boy’s presence. Except his entrance exams are in less than two months, and between that and his president duties he can't afford to waste even a second. Not even for Jaejoong.
He's on his way to the council room when a hand appears from behind a corner, grabs him and drags him away from the main hallway and into a small storeroom.
“Damn you, I'm not supposed to have to ambush people when I want to see them” Jaejoong hisses in his ear, managing to sound outraged and whiny at the same time. Yunho chuckles softly, feeling ridiculously happy for no reason at all.
Jaejoong takes a step back and eyes him critically, and Yunho knows he's taking in the dark circles under his eyes and his exhausted face and the way his uniform seems just a little too big for him, now.
“You look like shit” he finally declares, direct as always, and despite everything Yunho feels a dry smile tug at the corners of his mouth.
“I've probably looked better, yes” Yunho admits with a grimace, and Jaejoong raises an elegant eyebrow at the understatement.
“Your sense of duty is truly sickening” he states with conviction, before pushing Yunho against the wall unceremoniously.
“Jaejoong, I have a meeting in ten minutes!” Yunho squeals, trying - rather half-assedly, he has to admit - to push him away.
“Oh, shut up for once” Jaejoong retorts irritably, and drops to his knees in front of him. His fingers work quickly on Yunho’s belt and zipper, push his pants down until they pool around his ankles; his breath is hot against the front of Yunho’s underwear, and he feels himself starting to grow hard without even being touched.
Jaejoong’s lips brush across the slight bump of his hipbone as he inches down Yunho’s underwear until it falls on its own; he keeps kissing him lightly, with unusual gentleness, tracing a path of warmth across the sensitive skin of Yunho’s abdomen. Yunho gasps in surprise when his fingers smooth up his thigh and touch his half-hard cock, starting to stroke him to fullness at a leisurely pace that draws a long, shaky sigh from his lips.
Jaejoong looks up at him briefly with a knowing grin before kissing the tip of Yunho’s erection, licking away a pearly drop; his lips are hot, his mouth even hotter when it closes around him firmly and starts sucking. Yunho lets out an obscene little moan and tangles his fingers into Jaejoong’s hair, stroking his soft locks and silently urging him forward.
“Please…” he whispers, and he’s not even sure what he’s asking for, but Jaejoong takes him deeper, running his tongue up and down the underside of his cock while his finger glide up the soft, quivering flesh of his inner thighs to fondle his balls.
And then suddenly the warmth of Jaejoong’s mouth leaves him; with a small noise of disappointment he opens his eyes to look down, only to see that Jaejoong is unscrewing a familiar tube, coating his fingers with the clear substance before tossing it away.
“No, wait, I can’t -” he tries to say, but Jaejoong presses a wet kiss to the head of his cock, flicking his tongue into the slit for the briefest moment, and all sensible thoughts fly from Yunho’s mind instantly.
Jaejoong’s hand moves between Yunho’s legs again, caressing his skin, coaxing him to spread his legs further; Yunho’s body obeys, responding to the firm gentleness of the blond boy’s touch, or maybe just too bewildered by it to react. He feels Jaejoong’s fingers slide between his cheeks to circle his entrance, gasps when that slick wetness enters him carefully. The blond boy’s mouth closes around his aching erection again, this time tighter, hotter, faster, and Yunho realizes he’s the one who’s making all those embarrassing sounds but doesn’t care anymore, too overpowered by the pleasure Jaejoong is giving him. And then Jaejoong pushes his finger in a little deeper, pressing against the right spot; Yunho’s vision goes white for an instant before he comes violently, emptying himself inside Jaejoong’s mouth without even being able to warn him beforehand.
Jaejoong pulls away from Yunho slowly, licking his lips with a feline grin, and watches as he slides to the floor ungracefully, his shaking legs failing to support him.
Yunho leans his head back against the wall and waits for his heart to stop racing and for his mind to clear out a bit before glancing at Jaejoong again, who's looking pretty satisfied with himself. He smiles uncertainly, not used to see that flicker of warmth in Jaejoong's eyes nor to discover that the sight of it affects him quite so much.
“You... want help with that?” he finally says, making a vague gesture towards the bulge tenting the blond boy's pants. He's surprised to hear himself ask that, because until now their relationship has been based on taking something from the other, never on giving willingly, and from the way Jaejoong's eyes widen a little at his words he understand he realizes it too.
Jaejoong laughs, sounding a little embarrassed, and shakes his head.
“You should get going, your meeting started five minutes ago.”
Yunho stares at Jaejoong for a second and then glances at his watch.
“Fuck!” he yells, and leaps to his feet, almost smashing his face against a cupboard when he trips into the clothes tangled around his ankles. He gets dressed at light speed and dashes out the room, only to run back a second later.
“Thank you” he says sheepishly, and Jaejoong grins at him.
“I'll have you pay me back next time” he answers, confident smirk back in place.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
IX.
The air on the roof is cold, but the midday sun provides a pleasant warmth, and Yunho likes there better than the stuffy, hot classrooms. He turns a page of his Korean Literature textbook, mentally repeating the parts he needs to remember before moving on.
A shadows falls over him, followed by a body dropping heavily besides his.
“God, I'm dead” Jaejoong declares dramatically, and lies down to rest his head on a bewildered Yunho's lap.
“I'm not your pillow, Jaejoong” he finally says, but with very little irritation in his voice.
“I stayed up all night to study for today's test” Jaejoong groans “my head is going to explode.”
“That's because you tried to cram everything in your brain all at once” Yunho replies with amusement, poking Jaejoong's side teasingly, but secretly pleased that Jaejoong is at least trying to take school seriously.
“Really, I don't know how you manage to survive by sleeping so little” he whines “I feel like I could sleep for a hundred years.”
“You can sleep a little now, next class is in a hour and half” Yunho says “but don't expect me to wake you up with a kiss, Sleeping Beauty.”
“Idiot” Jaejoong grouses, but nuzzles Yunho's thigh to get himself comfortable and closes his eyes.
Yunho goes back to his book, but his gaze keeps straying to the blond head in his lap; Jaejoong’s hair shine in the sun, inviting the touch with its tantalizing softness, and he regrets being allowed to sink his fingers into it only when Jaejoong is on his knees sucking him off, or in the brief interlude after sex when they’re too exhausted to move and Jaejoong doesn’t have the strength to protest if Yunho plays with his hair.
Jaejoong’s breathing slows down to a soft, steady rhythm, and Yunho can’t resist the temptation to brush a few stray locks away from his sleeping face. His fingers tangles into the golden mass by their own accord, stroking it with the light, careful gentleness he’d use to pet a skittish cat, and feels an odd flutter in his chest when Jaejoong seems to unconsciously seek his touch.
What am I doing? he asks himself, suddenly struck by the thought of what people would think if they saw him now, Jaejoong's head in his lap and him caressing his hair, almost as if they were… lovers.
“Why did you stop?” Jaejoong mumbles into Yunho’s thigh, without opening his eyes.
“I thought you were asleep!” Yunho exclaims, removing his hand fast and choosing not to answer the actual question.
“’twas nice” Jaejoong says quickly “I don’t mind it.”
Yunho chuckles nervously, but his fingers tangle themselves in Jaejoong’s golden hair once more, and for a while no one speaks again.
“Yunho, what should I do?” Jaejoong says suddenly, and for the first time since he knows him Yunho hears something like a note of panic touch his voice.
Yunho looks at him interrogatively, never stopping to stroke his blond head.
“I have no purpose, no direction” he continues, playing with the buttons of Yunho’s uniform “your path is set in front of you so clearly, while I can’t even see the next step I’ll take. And I know I can’t be like you.”
Yunho’s hand slides down to cup Jaejoong’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb with awkward tenderness.
“That’s not the only way to be” he whispers, and as soon as these words leave his lips he understands just how much Jaejoong has changed him, and how much this odd, untamed boy means to him. On impulse he bends down until their foreheads are touching and holds him tight, ignoring Jaejoong’s startled 'Yunho?'
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
X.
Graduation Day comes and goes in a blur; Yunho is sitting in the gym together with all the other third year students, bored out of his mind by the seeming endless speech of the principal. No one around him seems to be paying attention, and in the buzz of chatters and barely contained laughter he searches for Jaejoong, discovering that the blond is sitting a few rows away from him and he’s looking at Yunho too. When their eyes meet, Jaejoong offers him a weak smile, and lets his gaze linger a little longer before looking away.
When the speech ends and they all clap politely and stand up, rushing to the back to take pictures with parents and friends, Jaejoong approaches him gingerly, whispers Come here tonight? in his ear, and Yunho feels the sudden impulse to drag Jaejoong to his parents - Mom, Dad, this is Kim Jaejoong, yes, he’s a friend from school - imagines his mother’s surprise and his father’s disapproving gaze as he eyes Jaejoong’s bleached hair and flashy piercings.
“Okay”, he whispers back instead, his fingers brushing Jaejoong’s in an almost apologetic way, and walks towards his family, gripping his diploma tight.
- - -
Jaejoong waits for him at the school gate, black jacket blending with the night so that only his golden hair and pale face stand out in the darkness. He unlocks the gate - Yunho doesn’t even want to know why he has a copy of the key in the first place - and they slip in quietly.
“I don’t know why I agreed to come” Yunho mutters darkly, shivering despite his warm jacket “it’s freezing, out here.”
They cross the school’s deserted corridors in a silence broken only by the echo of their footsteps, guided by the dim glow of the moon - and when Jaejoong stumbles on a step Yunho is fast to catch him.
“Thanks” Jaejoong mumbles, and doesn’t let go of Yunho’s hand.
- - -
Their old classroom looks eerie, in the dark, but they don’t dare turning on the lights for fear of being discovered. Jaejoong sits on his desk and gazes out of the window as he used to do.
“Jaejoong…” Yunho starts, but Jaejoong is faster.
“I’m going to move overseas for the next few years…maybe I’ll attend college there too, I don’t know yet.”
Yunho feels a weight sink in his chest. “Where?”
“Europe, I think. There are a lot of places I want to see, there.”
The lump in Yunho’s throat chokes his words, and his Why? comes out shakier and more pathetic than he wanted it to be.
Jaejoong turns to look at him, his features soft and wistful in the moonlight. “That’s not the only way to be, he quotes quietly, and Yunho recognizes his own words, hates them.
“I can’t stay, there’s nothing for me here” he continues, pauses, and then something like childish hope shimmers in his eyes. “You could come with me. Come with me, Yunhoyah.”
Yunho takes a step forward and wraps his arms tightly around Jaejoong’s waist, hides his face into the crook of Jaejoong’s neck and stifles a sob against his skin.
“You know I can’t leave” he whispers, trying desperately to keep the broken edge out of his voice, “my life is here. My future is here.”
He feels Jaejoong tremble in his arms, and for the first time since he knows him he looks small and fragile and lost. A lone tear shines down Jaejoong’s cheek; I know, he murmurs, barely audibly, and the only thing Yunho can do is wipe away the drop with his thumb and caress Jaejoong’s skin with his lips. He wishes Jaejoong had shown him this side of him sooner, but then he would have fallen for him faster, harder, and this would hurt even more.
Jaejoong turns inside the circle of his arms until they’re facing each other and cups Yunho’s face with both hands, gazing at him.
“I’ll never forget you” he says, and presses his lips against Yunho’s, sweet and painful and impossibly tender; it’s the first kiss they share that lacks the need to overpower and conquer, Yunho realizes, and it’s going to be the last as well.
“I lo-” he starts, but Jaejoong presses a finger to his lips, shakes his head.
“Thank you.”
They spend the night curled up on the classroom floor, holding each other tight and watching the stars twinkle in the cold sky beyond the glass.
.End
Comments are ♥♥♥. Especially on this fic, cause I’m not satisfied with it and I’d love to know what you guys think about it ._.