how long has it actually been?
I swear I forget about this place!!! That's pretty sad considering this is the only real place I feel like I can just say what I want/need to say without reprecussions!!! I don't even know what my last entry was about lol!!! Holy cow!
First off, let me just say I was doing SO well!!!! I was happy there for a while! I even hated my job more than anything else on the face of this planet...yes, even more than Phil's wife Chelsey!!! Yuppers, people! I don't HATE much, but that place is right on up there. You know what's odd? I don't hate that girl anymore! Realizing all of our situations put together, everything that was said and done on my part and phil's part, and the fact that she needed meds, wasn't on meds, and was having a really bad pregnancy, it's no wonder she went insane! Can't blame her for it. However, you can be sure that I never wanna see her again lol. Still would like the chance to slap phil, but that's not gonna happen so ce la vie right? Is that how you spell it? Dunno? Never took french!
IN ANY CASE, I found a new job! yay! Haven't started working yet, boo! Bored out of my mind! Okay...so back to what I was originally saying....I was doing SO well! Hadn't felt depressed since MAY! I was/am getting my shit together, got out of a crappy job, got a wonderful guy, was spending more time with the family, etc. This guy said he wanted to marry me and his child is amazing. Well, here's what happened a few weeks ago....
I had called the doc to see if he could call in my anti-depressants to the pharmacy so I wouldn't have to schedule a dr. appt. just to get a new prescription. Anyway, they said they would. They did...they called in the old prescription (Zoloft), not the right prescription (Citalopram). Well, I didn't wanna take Zoloft again cuz it stopped working the last time. Plus, I didn't wanna just switch meds like that...especially when they mess with my brain chemistry! Eeep! To top it all off, I knew my insurance was ending at the end of this month an figured "well, I won't be able to afford it after this pack anyway...might as well just go off the meds...nah, I'll call my doc. this week" Needless to say, I got caught up in getting this new job and some other stuff that I just didn't call the doctor to refill the right prescription. Well, I hadn't been feeling "depressed", you know, sad, lonely, etc. so I figured things were actually going well this time around with going off the meds! Wow! Maybe I won't call the doctor after all right? Well **BAM** Jason (my boyfriend) and I have had a weird vibe between us the last few weeks (weird how that coincides huh? lol) so Sunday I decide I'm not going to sleep at his place (usually am with him every night) cuz I feel it might be to spending WAY too much time together with no breathers. He goes home, all is well, and then later that night wants me to come over. I say "I thought I wasn't staying with you tonight. don't you need some space?" he replies, "I did and I'm done now lol" So I head over.
Well, Monday, I just have a shitty day. My orientation for the new job runs very late, my dentist told me the wrong office to go to for my oral surgeons office so I was late for that appt., my dentist didn't give me the referral or the xrays of my teeth, so instead of getting a free consultation, I had to pay $45. Then, I'm on my way to get print outs from doctors offices for how much I paid out last year and Heather sends me a text saying her WHOLE tax refund was sent to California for child support for Willy's daughter (whom he was told wasn't actually his daughter up until he got papers last year from the mom asking for back child support!!!) So in any case, they got fucked with child support for a kid he wasn't even sure was his and whom he never gets to see anyway. It's a long story about why he couldn't contest it (no money and not in cali, basically) so their WHOLE check that they were depending on to pay the mortgage and buy food is non-existant!!! I asked Heather if they were gonna be okay since they are already having financial issues anyway (due to Willy being fucked over and, therefore, unemployed for like 6 months). She said "no, we're not going to be okay." Okay, I get REALLY upset. My sister is pregnant and has two children to support. They have a mortgage, bills, child support, credit, etc. She says that and it blows me out of the water! Then, write when I am about to respond to the text, a JACK ASS rear ends me! I just start balling and JT calls me on the phone and tells me to just go to his place. I'm just a mess!!! I realize then and there that maybe I need those meds. Well, then he tells me later when I ask if I will see him tomorrow, he says "probably not, wanna spend some quality time with the boy" I say okay and suggest maybe taking a few days off from seeing each other so he can do this. Well, then I text him on my way home(stupid) and say "maybe more than a few days cuz I've been getting a weird vibe between us lately and think it's cuz we might need a bit of space" (gee, I wonder why?") Well, he's like...and I quote! "I just feel like I'm neglecting my son by spending all my time with him, with you..." WHAT? So I'm like "okay, I understand, but that doesn't bode well for moving in together." He's confused so I have to explain that if I move in with him I'll be there ALL the time...even MORE. He blurts out of nowhere "he has to be my main priority" DUH! Did I say otherwise? No, I actually mentioned NOT moving in so he could spend more time with him...uh how is that me not understanding that his son has to be his first priority. Where'd that come from? So, I'm not mad, but flippin' confused!!!! Sounds like he's mad, but says he isn't. So I keep trying to talk to him about it so we can figure out a solution where he doesn't feel like I'm helping him neglect his son! I fret over this and over this and he avoids the whole conversation saying "I dunno what there is to talk about, I just need more time with him" Well, how about the fact that you made it seem that if I'm around at all, you're neglecting your son? How about the fact that he's with you every free hour you have except every other weekend? If you want to see me, but don't want me to be around when he's around, how's that gonna work? He thinks everything's honky dory and lose sleep all night, fret over it all day, he avoids it all day, I fret more and eventually flip out over myspace blog! He doesn't read about it until later and flips on a comment that I decided not to post! After calling him 3 times, he answers his phone. I'm like "how'd this get here?" trying to figure out a solution, but all he wants to say is "I just need more time with my son" OKAY....let's get you there without breaking up, shall we? "Umm...i'm tired, I'm going to bed" WTF?!?!?! So whatever. I'm flipping out about this whole fucking thing. Pissed off that he won't talk to me about something that can have such a simple solution. Instead, it's as if he went from day to night talking to me about wanting me to stay over all the time and wedding colors to not seeming to care if we break up. Huh? So lost! I'll admit we need more space, I'll admit he should spend more alone time with his son, but I'll also admit that I hate this "maybe if I just ignore it, it'll go away" attitude. Um no, we all know that just makes shit worse with me. Ignore me and shit hits the fan! Which it did. Of course, It wouldn't have hit the fan if 1. I had been on my meds 2. I had called him instead of texted him and 3. I just was able to say "fuck you" and just break it off right? I don't wanna lose him, I really don't. But if he can't even communicate with me, there's no way I'm gonna wanna keep him. Stupid shit! It just sucks more when you not only fall for the daddy, but you fall for the baby too. It makes it ten times worse when your irrational behavior when you're off meds is so "reminiscent" of his crazy ex's behavior and THE thing that "ruined" them. Yeah...so not liking this whole situation!
So had my doc call in the ACTUAL prescription today and am getting back on those ASAP!!! Is that a bad decision? Should I just try and stay off of them this time? No...no way! I'm never gonna go off of them again! I hate who I am and how I feel when I'm not on them anymore. I don't feel like myself. I wish I had never gotten on them in 2005. Really do wish that! It really pisses me off that I feel MORE like myself when I'm on medication. WTF is that all about? *sigh* I want all this drama to end! Drama is not supposed to be a near constant thing!!! I was so close! :( Now I've probably lost yet another great guy. Fuck me!
Love,
Alison