My going's on
Well, those of you who read this know all about how I've been feeling lately. Or maybe not. Maybe I haven't been specific. Basically, I've been feeling like crap. I have felt like crap since I moved to this shitty town. I honestly thought it'd be a way out...a way of preventing my problems from getting worse by running away from them entirely. Yeah, I was optimistic for the first time in my life when I decided to move here. But my problems followed me.
My problems couldn't just let go for some reason. They just kept on baggering me. More and more, I began to realize that maybe I can't get over ANYTHING that's ever happened to me. I could go into psychoanalysis and figure out what in my early life experiences has caused this, but I really don't have the time or patience. And I really don't want to waste people's time. But yeah, all the problems I've ever had...personality, relationship, familial...they just followed me. And I don't think I ever got over them...ever. How are you supposed to confront that to deal with it? How are you supposed to deal with it? What the heck am I supposed to do to fix my problems and myself? I dunno?
I wish I could've fixed things a long time ago. Maybe I never learned how to fix problems on my own so now I can't do it. But if things had gotten taken care of a long time ago, I wouldn't have ruined a relationship that I thought was great and had awesome potential to go further. But, of course, why would anyone want a relationship to go further than just dating with me?...see, there I go again. Cutting myself down. I need to stop, but it's hard. Most of the time I don't realize I'm doing it and I just keep saying these awful things about myself.
You know what's funny? When Aaron and I broke up, so many things went on in my head about why. We weren't meant to be, he wants other people, he's selfish, I'm annoying, etc. And when I look back to that month ago it's like "it was all my fault". I feel like it is. Every problem that I couldn't get over just snowballed and I only had Aaron to go to. I didn't feel like I could tell Ang cuz she wasn't ever around and then we weren't friends for a while. And I definitely couldn't tell Kim cuz we're not that close and, even if we were, I don't trust her. She blabs everyone's business. Anyway. I started to feel like it was all my fault cuz I needed him. And needing someone can make you lose them really fast. It makes you clingy, overbearing, and well, just plain annoying.
Then, I entered the angry phase just recently, after the sad/depressed phase that seemed to like it lasted forever. You know, that's the phase where I miss him and want him back and blame myself for everything and cry all the time....blah blah blah. Well, this angry phase started. No, I'm not feeling better about myself. I'm not feeling better in general. It's just that the anger took place of the sadness. And right now, I want to scream and him and beat the shit out of him. I'm starting to think that it wasn't all my fault, that there were 2 people in the relationship, and if he thought things were that bad to not try and make it work through the last month then maybe something is up with him. Yeah, I'm angry with him. Some days I hate him. And I want to tell him all the wonderful things about me that he's missing out on. And then I start to write him an email with all my great and marvelous qualities and I end up with nothing. It ends up like "I'm sorry I acted this way. I know I'm crap. You were right to call it off" blah blah blah. Why do I do this? Shouldn't there be at least a few things that I like about myself? Just a few that I can concentrate on so that I can tell him to fuck off and I'm too good for him? Nope...cuz I don't think I'm too good for him. That is the problem my dears.
Throughout these 2 phases, I keep forgetting the real reasons we broke up(half of which were mutual). I keep forgetting that before he suggested it and I cried about it, that I had been thinking about it a week before. I had reasons of my own. What the hell? Why can't I think of those and remind myself that this was for the best?
So now I say...that I wish I could concentrate on school. I wish I could do this to get my mind off of him, my mind off of all the problems that follow me around, my mind off of the future. But for some reason I can't. It's almost as if I'm addicted to thinking bad thoughts. Addicted to thinking poorly of myself, poorly of Aaron, poorly of life. It's bad. I wish I knew how to fix it, but I don't. And those are the going's on...my life as it is. All thoughts and homework. ARRGGGG!!!!!And for some oddball reason, I decided to make this very personal entry public. lol Something is wrong with me!!!
Love,
Alison