(no subject)
Here’s the thing.
I’m forgetful. I’m ungrateful. I’m hypocritical.
He’s still so faithful.
There are moments like tonight that are unforgettable though. The kind of moments that I walk with far too much time between. Moments between surrender that I find myself back at being ‘me centered.’
Grace. Love. Peace.
He awakens me. Sometimes, sometimes I really hate writing entries like this. It is with the sincerest of intentions that I write this though. You know why? Because I know how hard it is let your guard down. I know how easy it is to push away your fears, your insecurities. Your shame.
Your loneliness.
Trust me. I know this better than anyone. It’s really easy to make myself busy. Too busy to notice the lack of closeness. Too busy to notice that I’m standing alone. Once you’ve been hurt. Oh man. It’s so easy to brush off cowardly excuses like, “I’m just better off by myself.”
If any of you know a little bit about me you probably know a few remarkably defined ‘Allysar traits.” 1) I gag a lot. 2) I have one toe too short. 3) I stop for random animals on the side of the road. In addition to those things that have nothing to do with my point at all is number 4) I cry a lot.
Let me tell you something though. It’s been a long time. Like a really, really long time since I’ve cried. Weird, right? I have been so hard hearted, so closed off, so callused..
But tonight was different. Tonight I laid aside my excuses. Tonight without saying much to Him, except, “Well, I’m here.”…He came. He flooded me. He spoke to brokenness.
One of the things I realized about wanting to be alone is this:
People who find it ‘easier’ or ‘better’ of alone is really saying:
“I don’t think I’m worthy of company.”
And by people…I mean me. Now after this awakening. And sobbing. Lots of sobbing. I found such comfort. Such overwhelming love. This song came on :
“How high, how wide, no matter where I am healing is in Your hands. How deep, how strong, now by Your grace I stand. Healing is your Hands. In all things, we are more than conquerors, you keep us by Your love..You keep us by Your love”
I wrote all of this to say that sometimes it’s hard to find our lives of any worth, our future with any sort of plan, our life with any kind of purpose. Aside from Him there is no purpose. That’s why I’m so grateful for such amazing grace day after day. I’m grateful for a love that never changes.
Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. No matter how far you run. No matter how much you think you’ve messed up.
You ARE worthy. You are chosen. You are called. He died so that we would see this. His sacrifice of love is example enough. His arms are wide open. He’s waiting for you.