honestly.... why am i so down?
I don't think i've ever been this down and I don't know why... I don't even want to talk to anyone about it casue it's jsut stupid and petty stuff. Right now I don't even want to look ehind me cause i know that it will just upset me... Danielle... movies... just like Prince and Me.... I"M SO SORRY I EVER DID THAT TO YOU..... i know how you feel completely.... I really just want to cry... so I started crying today at swim practice. Caution: don't cry with goggles on... they fill with tears and then you cant see and your contacts almost fall out and you look like a nerd.... but that's beside the point... So as i'm sitting there crying with my goggles on, I finally get the tears to stop, but I"m just all choked up, and ya know when it feels like your throat is constricted cause you are holding it back... try swimming and taking breaths while feeling like that. It's not cool. I just feel like I"m spiriling downward towards nothing... like I"m not happy with anything. I'm not happy, I dread hanging out with my two best friends because now that they might like eachother but really don't know but flirt but don't and then just get awkward and then look at you and I feel like the big wheel that pulls that back two wheels of a trike... and FUCK GRANDMA... i've been doing so good at not being grandma... i feel so underappreciated.... that's it... .I feel like no one appreciates me cause you know, life will go on without me... yea it'd be sad for a little, but life would go on, as it should. But ya know when you do such nice things for your friends, sometimes you want it in return. Danielle, i think God is showing me how you flet when I was being an asshole to you... I am so sorry again. I still have that feeling stuck in my throat... I don't cry anymore and we all know how I like to cry... I can't even remember the last time I cried cause i could... cause now I feel like I am showing weakness, because no one will ever just let me cry... I just want to cry, and not be asked why.... just to let it all out. right now, if i turn around... i will just be upset..... cause i'm jealous.... i just want some attention... just from someone.... no longer can i get it from the ex... (just teh flirting) and I just feel so unattractive, so gross, like i'm just not the dating kind... i've kinda become bitter about this over the last couple months... that I won't find the person that makes me happy and when I do, they won't want me back... cause that's just how my life goes. I just don't understand... i can hold amazing converstation, but I guess i just don't have the looks to accompany that, that I'm not really that attractive, or I'm just intimidating.... i feel like I need to act dumber, but then i just really feel stupid. I wish I could leave right now, I really don't want ot be around anyone right now... just by myself.... so that I can cry. Now i'm just rambling on.... this is my pitty party... all of my unnappreciated actions and feelings... I just try to love as much as possible and feel a little love in return, but I guess if I don't let others know how they can love me, i guess i'm just sheilding love out... love from everyone.... haha... and he thought he had me figured out, that he had broken the walls. Nope, i threw a curve ball. way to go me. okay i'm done.... I htink i got enough out to supress the crying until I can go home.... anyway.... sorry to complain....