Betrayal....
So...yeah i can't do this anymore. i'm disgusted with myself even as i type that, but I really can't. School...sick....school...sick...sick...sick....SICK....SICK!!!! I'm fucking tired of it. I am not functioning at all anymore, no matter how I try. I try to overachieve and it just gets thrown back in my face....because then i try to do too much and i end up getting sick again. I finally saw the neurologist that i've waited 6 months to see. He came up with NOTHING new. The treatments don't work...and the new treatment that they want me on is not covered by my insurance and is 250 dollars a bottle. WTF?!?!?!? I just can't win.
My faith in humanity was deeply disturbed this last sunday. Danielle, my second little in my sorority family completely shattered me. She has been there for me throughout this entire thing. Last summer, when i could barely move and was sad that no one was here with me, and that i always seemed to be taking care of myself, she would come over with a movie and food and something to drink just to be with me. I appreciated it so much! until she talked to me this sunday. Let me preface this by saying that there are some subjects that you just don't comment on when you know that it hurts the person you're talking to. Danielle came home from the Tridelta philanthropy and i was sitting in the kitchen with Vespera her best friend, roommate, former tridelt, and one of my best friends too. Ves was sick and danielle made a comment about how whenever ves is sick that she needs so much attention and that she hates when people are sick and isn't good with it and tends to ignore them blah blah blah. though she wasn't talking to me, i thought "Whatever! Danielle is GREAT at being kind!" so I voiced my opinion. I was like "Danielle that's so not true! When i was sick last summer you were always there for me! you got me food when i couldn't walk, you got my prescriptions...You always came over to hang out with me when i was feeling down." And she turned right around...and was like "Well in case you didn't notice, I stopped taking your phone calls." Right then and there was when i seriously felt the worst. Whether or not she meant it, whether or not she was drunk....there are subjects that are off limits. Now i'm not usually sensitive to stuff like that. in fact, i usually laugh it off and forget it, or brood privately later...but she used the ONE thing that i am overly sensitive about against me. She WENT THERE. I was so conflicted on whether or not i should cry, yell, or go effing kill bill on her ass. But instead i stayed silent. Ves was appalled. As soon as Danielle left, she was like "are you okay?" i was like uhhh no? The third roomie who doesn't even know about my condition came out and was llike "wow...i could feel the tension. I don't know what it was about what she said...but I got the feeling that she said something totally and completely out of line." uhm....yeah. I haven't talked to D since then...and I don't know how to. She is SO defensive when you confront her about anything...and I'm WAY more hurt than angry. Seriously! What the fuck?! Why do my closest friends always do this to me? And people wonder why i have so many trust issues.
All i want to do is curl into a ball and cry....but i'm trying to refrain. i need to write a paper...but i think that I will just go to the doctor tomorrow and get an extension for it. I can't concentrate. I'm defeated. I've never felt like this before. i feel like i've been sucha fighter through this entire thing and that i'm spent. The doctor always asks if i'm depressed. And i always say no...because I didn't really think I was until now. I'm not depressed all the time. it's always situational. I only get like this when i think about how much my life has changed from this stupid disease. I can't do a lot of the things i love anymore...I'm sick ALL the time....my friends think i'm some kind of hypochondriac...I can't succeed in school...i'll never MAKE it to Medical School...I'll never be able to have any sort of normal relationship friendship or otherwise.
I feel so effing hopeless. Nothing is worth this.
My faith in humanity was deeply disturbed this last sunday. Danielle, my second little in my sorority family completely shattered me. She has been there for me throughout this entire thing. Last summer, when i could barely move and was sad that no one was here with me, and that i always seemed to be taking care of myself, she would come over with a movie and food and something to drink just to be with me. I appreciated it so much! until she talked to me this sunday. Let me preface this by saying that there are some subjects that you just don't comment on when you know that it hurts the person you're talking to. Danielle came home from the Tridelta philanthropy and i was sitting in the kitchen with Vespera her best friend, roommate, former tridelt, and one of my best friends too. Ves was sick and danielle made a comment about how whenever ves is sick that she needs so much attention and that she hates when people are sick and isn't good with it and tends to ignore them blah blah blah. though she wasn't talking to me, i thought "Whatever! Danielle is GREAT at being kind!" so I voiced my opinion. I was like "Danielle that's so not true! When i was sick last summer you were always there for me! you got me food when i couldn't walk, you got my prescriptions...You always came over to hang out with me when i was feeling down." And she turned right around...and was like "Well in case you didn't notice, I stopped taking your phone calls." Right then and there was when i seriously felt the worst. Whether or not she meant it, whether or not she was drunk....there are subjects that are off limits. Now i'm not usually sensitive to stuff like that. in fact, i usually laugh it off and forget it, or brood privately later...but she used the ONE thing that i am overly sensitive about against me. She WENT THERE. I was so conflicted on whether or not i should cry, yell, or go effing kill bill on her ass. But instead i stayed silent. Ves was appalled. As soon as Danielle left, she was like "are you okay?" i was like uhhh no? The third roomie who doesn't even know about my condition came out and was llike "wow...i could feel the tension. I don't know what it was about what she said...but I got the feeling that she said something totally and completely out of line." uhm....yeah. I haven't talked to D since then...and I don't know how to. She is SO defensive when you confront her about anything...and I'm WAY more hurt than angry. Seriously! What the fuck?! Why do my closest friends always do this to me? And people wonder why i have so many trust issues.
All i want to do is curl into a ball and cry....but i'm trying to refrain. i need to write a paper...but i think that I will just go to the doctor tomorrow and get an extension for it. I can't concentrate. I'm defeated. I've never felt like this before. i feel like i've been sucha fighter through this entire thing and that i'm spent. The doctor always asks if i'm depressed. And i always say no...because I didn't really think I was until now. I'm not depressed all the time. it's always situational. I only get like this when i think about how much my life has changed from this stupid disease. I can't do a lot of the things i love anymore...I'm sick ALL the time....my friends think i'm some kind of hypochondriac...I can't succeed in school...i'll never MAKE it to Medical School...I'll never be able to have any sort of normal relationship friendship or otherwise.
I feel so effing hopeless. Nothing is worth this.