To get back to reality......
....isnt that line a song or something? Hmm, I dunno.
2 weeks ago..I think I came back from the races, and just hung out at home after work all week. Dont remember anything extravagant. This past weekend however, I remember very vividly. Last Wed I talked to the boy. To no suprise, I didnt get much out of the conversation. I dont know what to do with anything he told me. There's to many what if's...now I dont live my life on what if's at all, but once you've waited on someone for a year and a half or however long its been, its kinda hard to just let all your walls down. Ya know? For those of you who dont know, the boy and I were together for about 4 mths, then he moved away not by choice, and we were supposed to wait on each other. Well, the times that we were broke up, I tried dating other people. DIdnt work out. I wasnt over him, and still had to much hope and love for him. While that is all shattered now, I hung on for the whole duration no matter what. Im not the one giving up this love.
Anyways, Thurs night Mistie went to talk to him, to see what was on his mind, and see whats going on. I needed this. I didnt want him to come back and me fall in love all over again, if he didnt want to be with me 200%. I was willing to pick up where we left off. So, after Mistie and I got home Friday night, we talked about it. She told me at the begg it was bad. I guess he was all trying to be hard and act like nothing mattered. Well, Im sorry but if he loved me even HALF as much as he said he had all this while, then it should have been harder. Then the longer they talked, she said he broke down a little, and actually opened up. I was thinking good, good. But was completely left blank and standing out in the cold butt ass naked, when we got done with the conversation, so to speak. I didnt get anymore out of their conversation, than I had had the night before. So, I just told her that if he doesnt want this 200% then its not going to happen. Well, I think Saturday it was, he called her and asked if she had told me everything? She said yeah, and he said what did he say. She tol him that I was over it and I didnt care anymore, and that I took all the 500 pictured of him that I still had up everywhere down. Now, this is where it pissed me off, and WHY you should ALWAYS talk to the person your even talking about in the first place. Thats not what that was. She made it sound to him Im sure that I was over it, and didnt give two shits. When in fact, my world came crashing down.
I didnt know it would impact me the way it did. The last two weeks havent been good I dont think. But this week was just shitty. Plain out SHITTY!! I couldnt stay in a good mood, woke up one morning crying, couldnt be happy no matter how hard I tried. I just felt like shit, all I wanted to do was sleep, and nothing more. I dont even actually know if this was the only thing wrong with me. I mean its not like I constantly thought about it, or him. Maybe sub conciously it was affecting me, but I didnt notice as that, ya know? I dont know. I have never loved anyone, and maybe/probly never will the way I loved this boy. When I say he had every bit of me, Im talking mind, body, soul. Every fukn piece. I gave to this boy more than any other, I did more things for him, I basically took a chance I shouldnt have I guess. The reason I say that is that he is young. All the while, looking over that fact, because I in fact loved him. I was willing to give it that chance. Granted, I told him from the begginning that I never wante to hold him back, and wanted him to experience life, he thinks I would anyways. Well, the philosophy I have on that is, if you want to go out and fuk everyone and do that kinda partying, then thats fine. But its not gonna be with me. I am very monogomaus and always have been. Never change. I dont really know what to say anymore about this. Im hurting, I will continue to hurt, and my love for him I cant control. I mean everyone in my family knew this boy, I have family pics, when he was there. This just fukn sucks. I always thought he would be different. I always thought he was a better person than the other fags I had met, that he was stronger than to give into temptation, that his love would be with me forever. He told me several times that he could be with me and only me forever, and wanted to be. Well, thus being the reason I dont like to trust people anyways. Obviously its not true.
Yes, I will admit, and always have, that I was very much an asshole sometimes. I admit that. I would give anything to realize or know then and just let us be happy. But it didnt work out that way. See he needed support, not only as a b/f, but just support period. He looked up to me, and in doing so I took some things the wrong way, and so did he. Once you know someone looks to you for a certain thing. or support, or love, its hard to distinguish between any of them when you try to support, or love them. I mean we had more good times than we ever did bad. I think anyways. Im sorry for being an asshole, Im sorry for trying to be something so great, that you didnt/and dont understand. I tried to be your rock in so many ways. I tried to be the one person that showed you daily I loved you unconditionally no matter what at the end of the day. I tried to give you everything you wanted from me. Everything was great until the end I think. The end was rough. I found out some things he hid/lied to me about. Well, if you know me, it doesnt matter if you physically cheated or not, thats just as bad in my eyes. I have NEVER given anyone a second chance until I met him. He sat on the floor on his knees in front of me balling his eyes out, and begging me to take him back, and confessing his love for me. I mean how can a love that strong just be thrown away or discarded. Ok, im starting to tear up at work I think. GREAT! Noone truly knows, not even him I dont think how incredibly happy he made me. How much I loved him. How much I wanted to come home to him and only him everyday, with our kids, our home, our love. I wanted to have a "life" with this boy. He was my everything. I know some people/fags say they love each other and all that jazz. But anyone that knows me, knows how much I loved him, how many ngihts Ive cried on my friends' shoulders, how many night I would just think of him and start crying no matter where I was. Party, McDoncalds drive thru after the club at 4am, Jack in the box after the club, everywhere and at anytime. I have cried myself to sleep. I missed him in my life so badly. I was scared out of my fukn mind, that this, what is happening now would happen. Every one of my friends has seen me cry. Dude, its been a year and some odd months. I havent seen him for more than 30 mins in that time frame. I havent maybe pop kissed him but twice in those months. Without him even being in my life, I still love him that much. If I were him, I would make some sacrifices. But hes not me, and Im not him. I mean could I hvae done anything different? Should I have changed sooner? Did I not try hard enough? Did I not show him enough? Believe me, I tried. I cant call him, see him, I cant do anything. I always always had to wait on him. The ball was always in his court. He had control over the whole situation. Do you know what it feels like to have to wait to talk to someone you love so much. I mean I think its kinda like the soldiers wifes. I know how they feel knowing when they are going to get that call. They look forward to it, they cant wait, their whole world revolves around when they are gonna call. Im not saying its the same in any manner. At all. I cant even fathom what those ladies go through. Im just relating.
I hvae so many unanswered questions. I have so many unshown feelings. I have so many things I want to say. I want and yurn for his touch, sight, smell, everything. I want to wake up one morning and him have his arms around me and be staring me in the eyes and tells me that he loves me more tha his life itself, and would never let go of me again. But yeah, reality check. Probly not gonna happen. Its sad, it kills me, it breaks me, it makes me sad. But what can I do at this point. I believe that you should never have to say or do anything to get someone to stay. Thats bullshit. You should never have to do/say anything for someone to love you. All that. Im lost for words, Im speechless, Im amazed, Im depressed, Im getting on with my life, only to fall back.
The point was I was depressed all week for some reason, this being it I think. Yesterday was a better day. Today is a better day. The next days, months, years will get better, Im sure of it. But I'll never say I wont give him another chance. I'll never say i dont love him with all my heart forever. I'll never say I dont care about him and would love to have the strength to know whats going on with him in his life. I cant say that. I do want to know. I want to make him happy in whatever way I can. But that is not me. Im not that person. Im not going to sit back and watch him fall in love over and over and have b/f's over and over, and end up with nothing, over and over. I've been through it already. He has NO idea. Its like he's blinded by something and cant realize things. I wished more than anything I could continue to show my love and support, but the plain and simple fact is, my heart cant handle seeing him move on with his life. My heart wont be able to see him at the club with someone else. My heart wont be able to know hes with someone else period. This is all from somsone who is friends with all their ex's. Did I love him more and differently, noooo. Thats me being a smartass.
I will have brighter days, I will get over and overcome. There will always be those days where I cant stop thinking about him. Like Feb28th when we first got together. Oh how I miss the days just hanging out and doing nothing. I miss the days we would spend just together and not doing shit, and be happy. I miss the nanananannattitude things. Only 3 people will get that one. I miss every motha fukn thing, ok? EVERYTHING!!
Ok, Ive tried to stop talking about it but Im passionate damn it.
On another note, Im pet and house sitting for the rental units. I live downtown, and they live like 20 mins out, and Im just miserable. I feel like theres nothing to do, nowhere to go. I miss my home. haha
Tuesday Kelley is going out of town for event 3 conversion, and I have to pet and house sit for her for two weeks. Its ok though, she lives like 5 mins away. I will ahve to stay at her house though cause she has 2 cats and 2 dogs. AGH! lol I havent taken care of animals in so long. ALthough we do have 5 cats that hang out on our porch now thoguh. I mean were good wild cat feeders. We feed the lunch meat and tuna. They love us, but not enough to befriend us. We've even named them. We want one as like our cat, but the bastard or bitch flipped out the other day when we shut him in our house. Will cats warm up to you after a while? He went and hid behind the washer. lol Finally we let him out. He was freakin. It was quit funny though.
WOW I just received a call from someone. Ill give you one guess. They said they were going to call me back after I get off work. Im scared. He said he'll have tim eto talk and wants to talk to me. Im really freakin nervous. I dont know what to do...............
Update later.
Love to all!!!!
2 weeks ago..I think I came back from the races, and just hung out at home after work all week. Dont remember anything extravagant. This past weekend however, I remember very vividly. Last Wed I talked to the boy. To no suprise, I didnt get much out of the conversation. I dont know what to do with anything he told me. There's to many what if's...now I dont live my life on what if's at all, but once you've waited on someone for a year and a half or however long its been, its kinda hard to just let all your walls down. Ya know? For those of you who dont know, the boy and I were together for about 4 mths, then he moved away not by choice, and we were supposed to wait on each other. Well, the times that we were broke up, I tried dating other people. DIdnt work out. I wasnt over him, and still had to much hope and love for him. While that is all shattered now, I hung on for the whole duration no matter what. Im not the one giving up this love.
Anyways, Thurs night Mistie went to talk to him, to see what was on his mind, and see whats going on. I needed this. I didnt want him to come back and me fall in love all over again, if he didnt want to be with me 200%. I was willing to pick up where we left off. So, after Mistie and I got home Friday night, we talked about it. She told me at the begg it was bad. I guess he was all trying to be hard and act like nothing mattered. Well, Im sorry but if he loved me even HALF as much as he said he had all this while, then it should have been harder. Then the longer they talked, she said he broke down a little, and actually opened up. I was thinking good, good. But was completely left blank and standing out in the cold butt ass naked, when we got done with the conversation, so to speak. I didnt get anymore out of their conversation, than I had had the night before. So, I just told her that if he doesnt want this 200% then its not going to happen. Well, I think Saturday it was, he called her and asked if she had told me everything? She said yeah, and he said what did he say. She tol him that I was over it and I didnt care anymore, and that I took all the 500 pictured of him that I still had up everywhere down. Now, this is where it pissed me off, and WHY you should ALWAYS talk to the person your even talking about in the first place. Thats not what that was. She made it sound to him Im sure that I was over it, and didnt give two shits. When in fact, my world came crashing down.
I didnt know it would impact me the way it did. The last two weeks havent been good I dont think. But this week was just shitty. Plain out SHITTY!! I couldnt stay in a good mood, woke up one morning crying, couldnt be happy no matter how hard I tried. I just felt like shit, all I wanted to do was sleep, and nothing more. I dont even actually know if this was the only thing wrong with me. I mean its not like I constantly thought about it, or him. Maybe sub conciously it was affecting me, but I didnt notice as that, ya know? I dont know. I have never loved anyone, and maybe/probly never will the way I loved this boy. When I say he had every bit of me, Im talking mind, body, soul. Every fukn piece. I gave to this boy more than any other, I did more things for him, I basically took a chance I shouldnt have I guess. The reason I say that is that he is young. All the while, looking over that fact, because I in fact loved him. I was willing to give it that chance. Granted, I told him from the begginning that I never wante to hold him back, and wanted him to experience life, he thinks I would anyways. Well, the philosophy I have on that is, if you want to go out and fuk everyone and do that kinda partying, then thats fine. But its not gonna be with me. I am very monogomaus and always have been. Never change. I dont really know what to say anymore about this. Im hurting, I will continue to hurt, and my love for him I cant control. I mean everyone in my family knew this boy, I have family pics, when he was there. This just fukn sucks. I always thought he would be different. I always thought he was a better person than the other fags I had met, that he was stronger than to give into temptation, that his love would be with me forever. He told me several times that he could be with me and only me forever, and wanted to be. Well, thus being the reason I dont like to trust people anyways. Obviously its not true.
Yes, I will admit, and always have, that I was very much an asshole sometimes. I admit that. I would give anything to realize or know then and just let us be happy. But it didnt work out that way. See he needed support, not only as a b/f, but just support period. He looked up to me, and in doing so I took some things the wrong way, and so did he. Once you know someone looks to you for a certain thing. or support, or love, its hard to distinguish between any of them when you try to support, or love them. I mean we had more good times than we ever did bad. I think anyways. Im sorry for being an asshole, Im sorry for trying to be something so great, that you didnt/and dont understand. I tried to be your rock in so many ways. I tried to be the one person that showed you daily I loved you unconditionally no matter what at the end of the day. I tried to give you everything you wanted from me. Everything was great until the end I think. The end was rough. I found out some things he hid/lied to me about. Well, if you know me, it doesnt matter if you physically cheated or not, thats just as bad in my eyes. I have NEVER given anyone a second chance until I met him. He sat on the floor on his knees in front of me balling his eyes out, and begging me to take him back, and confessing his love for me. I mean how can a love that strong just be thrown away or discarded. Ok, im starting to tear up at work I think. GREAT! Noone truly knows, not even him I dont think how incredibly happy he made me. How much I loved him. How much I wanted to come home to him and only him everyday, with our kids, our home, our love. I wanted to have a "life" with this boy. He was my everything. I know some people/fags say they love each other and all that jazz. But anyone that knows me, knows how much I loved him, how many ngihts Ive cried on my friends' shoulders, how many night I would just think of him and start crying no matter where I was. Party, McDoncalds drive thru after the club at 4am, Jack in the box after the club, everywhere and at anytime. I have cried myself to sleep. I missed him in my life so badly. I was scared out of my fukn mind, that this, what is happening now would happen. Every one of my friends has seen me cry. Dude, its been a year and some odd months. I havent seen him for more than 30 mins in that time frame. I havent maybe pop kissed him but twice in those months. Without him even being in my life, I still love him that much. If I were him, I would make some sacrifices. But hes not me, and Im not him. I mean could I hvae done anything different? Should I have changed sooner? Did I not try hard enough? Did I not show him enough? Believe me, I tried. I cant call him, see him, I cant do anything. I always always had to wait on him. The ball was always in his court. He had control over the whole situation. Do you know what it feels like to have to wait to talk to someone you love so much. I mean I think its kinda like the soldiers wifes. I know how they feel knowing when they are going to get that call. They look forward to it, they cant wait, their whole world revolves around when they are gonna call. Im not saying its the same in any manner. At all. I cant even fathom what those ladies go through. Im just relating.
I hvae so many unanswered questions. I have so many unshown feelings. I have so many things I want to say. I want and yurn for his touch, sight, smell, everything. I want to wake up one morning and him have his arms around me and be staring me in the eyes and tells me that he loves me more tha his life itself, and would never let go of me again. But yeah, reality check. Probly not gonna happen. Its sad, it kills me, it breaks me, it makes me sad. But what can I do at this point. I believe that you should never have to say or do anything to get someone to stay. Thats bullshit. You should never have to do/say anything for someone to love you. All that. Im lost for words, Im speechless, Im amazed, Im depressed, Im getting on with my life, only to fall back.
The point was I was depressed all week for some reason, this being it I think. Yesterday was a better day. Today is a better day. The next days, months, years will get better, Im sure of it. But I'll never say I wont give him another chance. I'll never say i dont love him with all my heart forever. I'll never say I dont care about him and would love to have the strength to know whats going on with him in his life. I cant say that. I do want to know. I want to make him happy in whatever way I can. But that is not me. Im not that person. Im not going to sit back and watch him fall in love over and over and have b/f's over and over, and end up with nothing, over and over. I've been through it already. He has NO idea. Its like he's blinded by something and cant realize things. I wished more than anything I could continue to show my love and support, but the plain and simple fact is, my heart cant handle seeing him move on with his life. My heart wont be able to see him at the club with someone else. My heart wont be able to know hes with someone else period. This is all from somsone who is friends with all their ex's. Did I love him more and differently, noooo. Thats me being a smartass.
I will have brighter days, I will get over and overcome. There will always be those days where I cant stop thinking about him. Like Feb28th when we first got together. Oh how I miss the days just hanging out and doing nothing. I miss the days we would spend just together and not doing shit, and be happy. I miss the nanananannattitude things. Only 3 people will get that one. I miss every motha fukn thing, ok? EVERYTHING!!
Ok, Ive tried to stop talking about it but Im passionate damn it.
On another note, Im pet and house sitting for the rental units. I live downtown, and they live like 20 mins out, and Im just miserable. I feel like theres nothing to do, nowhere to go. I miss my home. haha
Tuesday Kelley is going out of town for event 3 conversion, and I have to pet and house sit for her for two weeks. Its ok though, she lives like 5 mins away. I will ahve to stay at her house though cause she has 2 cats and 2 dogs. AGH! lol I havent taken care of animals in so long. ALthough we do have 5 cats that hang out on our porch now thoguh. I mean were good wild cat feeders. We feed the lunch meat and tuna. They love us, but not enough to befriend us. We've even named them. We want one as like our cat, but the bastard or bitch flipped out the other day when we shut him in our house. Will cats warm up to you after a while? He went and hid behind the washer. lol Finally we let him out. He was freakin. It was quit funny though.
WOW I just received a call from someone. Ill give you one guess. They said they were going to call me back after I get off work. Im scared. He said he'll have tim eto talk and wants to talk to me. Im really freakin nervous. I dont know what to do...............
Update later.
Love to all!!!!