(no subject)
Ok so I think I've come to the realization that I can never trully be happy. I mean there have been brief moments in my life where I found glimmers of hope of me actually being happy. However, looking back on what I thought happiness was, I've found out that I've been so naive to some of the situations I've put myself in. No matter how hard I try, I can't not give me to another person. I may say, no but it's different this time, or but seriously I'm being really mature about things, in all reality I'm so sick of "setting myself up for the let down." From what my bee eff eff told me, I will never trully ALLOW myself to be happy if I continue to do that. But seriously, how am I supposed to not always prepare myself for the worst possible scenerio if no matter what I do, say, or think something really fucking shitty happens in the end. Everything I've invested time into has in the end found me not to be worth it. And the sad part about that is that I've began to believe it. I'm not worth it! I really wish that I could say that I can change and just put some forcefield around me but realisticly, and for those who actually know me, know that it's impossible. So I guess I will forever set myself up for the let down. But the day that I stop and allow myself to be trully "happy," it'll probably be too late. And the person that I actually wanna be happy with will already have left. THAT'S WHAT ACTUALLY SCARES ME. How will I know that I'm happy? And if that's the question, WHAT IS HAPPINESS? Because all along I think i've had a pretty deranged concept of it.