(no subject)
Yo it's mad late, I can't believe I'm writing in this again. History shows that whenever things aren't going smoothly I write in here. A lot of things have happened since last time I wrote in 2006, the biggest being that I fell in love. It makes me want to cry even thinking about this but I just feel as though last year was such a joyous year of my life that it deserves to be shared. Since I was old enough to be interested in boys, I dreamt of the day that I would meet someone who would sweep me off of my feet in a matter of days. By the time Junior year rolled around I was like yo, fuck this, love doesn't exist, and that's when he came walking down the hallway and into my mind with an adorable green and gray striped sweater and these beautiful ocean eyes. I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks; never in my life had I felt this way about someone, I was just waiting for it to fade like it did with every other guy I have ever been interested in but the feeling didn't go away. My heart would skip a beat or two when he signed online and I would sit and wait for him to IM me in fear of saying something stupid. I swear to god I felt like I was thirteen all over again. As corny as it sounds, when we kissed for the first time, I felt like it was my first time kissing anyone; everything I had ever known slowly disappeared and I never again wanted to make a memory with anyone else but him. Never before had I felt so whole before; it was like I found the other half of me that I had been searching so long for. Now, looking back on it, I love this kid and I always will, shit.
With any great love story however complications arise..
Things couldn't be perfect forever and I guess I am having a lot of trouble understanding that. If it's one thing I learned from this relationship it's never take advantage of what you have because it can be gone in a second. All of my manipulative, deceptive, controlling ways finally got the best of both of us and tore holes in the relationship. Although I claim to live my life with no regrets, I'd take back every malicious action in a second. If I would have known that the price to pay was losing a part of myself and wearing down someone who I unconditionally love, I never would have fucked everything up to begin with. People say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but this is no one's fault but my own. I can't go anywhere without seeing or hearing something to remind me of him, I just wish there was an easier way.
We always talked about being together forever and being each others soul mates, but I now believe that it was a bunch of bull. I definitely know that I am not going to feel this way about anyone else for a very long time and I also know for a fact that my heart sinks every time I see a skinny guy with cute hair, tempurpedic slippers, or even gatorade am. What the hell, right?
After my dad jumped ship, I didn't think I could afford to lose any more male support from my life, but hey I was wrong again. Everything at home is just in shambles and because of it, I missed out on the college experience. I guess everything happens for a reason though, I am really content with my new job, I make lots of tips, I made some friends and hopefully I can get my education on track come next semester. Now, I'm just really trying to heal from all of this that has happened. Sure, being in love was great and I wish that he was still mine, but if he chose to abandon me during one of the most difficult episodes of my life, then perhaps he just isn't worth the fight anymore.
With any great love story however complications arise..
Things couldn't be perfect forever and I guess I am having a lot of trouble understanding that. If it's one thing I learned from this relationship it's never take advantage of what you have because it can be gone in a second. All of my manipulative, deceptive, controlling ways finally got the best of both of us and tore holes in the relationship. Although I claim to live my life with no regrets, I'd take back every malicious action in a second. If I would have known that the price to pay was losing a part of myself and wearing down someone who I unconditionally love, I never would have fucked everything up to begin with. People say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but this is no one's fault but my own. I can't go anywhere without seeing or hearing something to remind me of him, I just wish there was an easier way.
We always talked about being together forever and being each others soul mates, but I now believe that it was a bunch of bull. I definitely know that I am not going to feel this way about anyone else for a very long time and I also know for a fact that my heart sinks every time I see a skinny guy with cute hair, tempurpedic slippers, or even gatorade am. What the hell, right?
After my dad jumped ship, I didn't think I could afford to lose any more male support from my life, but hey I was wrong again. Everything at home is just in shambles and because of it, I missed out on the college experience. I guess everything happens for a reason though, I am really content with my new job, I make lots of tips, I made some friends and hopefully I can get my education on track come next semester. Now, I'm just really trying to heal from all of this that has happened. Sure, being in love was great and I wish that he was still mine, but if he chose to abandon me during one of the most difficult episodes of my life, then perhaps he just isn't worth the fight anymore.