(no subject)
So I don't think anyone ever sees this anymore but that's ok. And if you do happen to come aross it still, sorry that you have to listen to me bitch but this is the only way I know how to vent and get satisfaction.
I don't even know where to start. I don't want to say that I'm sick of him, that sounds really bad. But I'm sick of the way he's been treating me. I'm sick of being told what to do. I'm sick being told how to spend my money. I'm sick of being told how much I'm allowed to sleep, and eat. I'm sick of literally starving myself for him to be proud of me. I hate that he tells me what I'm allowed to eat and drink. When I'm allowed to drive my car because it wastes gas to go hang out and do things. I hate that he's reluctant to take me to a movie, or to get something to eat, yet he takes his brother out all the time and buys dinner for Mike Jones after work because Mike Jones says he's upset and he feels "obligated". Nothing against Mike Jones, but it makes me kind of angry. I hate that when I finally feel a little confident about myself and the way I look, he puts me down by saying I'm eating too much, or eating the wrong things, or drinking too much of something, and telling me that I'm overweight. I don't care what he backs up his statement with, the words "you're overweight" came out of his mouth and that's bullshit. I might be out of shape but I'm not overweight. And I'm working on getting in better shape, so he can kiss my ass. I hate that I have to work out so hard that it makes me sick, just so he'll be happy. I hate that he tells me not to buy the things that I want. And I really hate that he pushes me around, and hits me, and whatever else he does. And he won't stop when I ask him to. He thinks he's just playing around, but I can't stand it, and it never stops. And I hate that he always has to be touching me. I understand he's my boyfriend but he's constantly touching me and sometimes I don't like it, and again, he doesn't stop if I ask him too. He thinks it's a big joke, so he starts doing it more. Every time I ask him to stop he goes further and further. He knows my past with certain guys, and he knows that I get uptight about that. But he doesn't stop. It gets really old how every day when I see him all he wants to do is have sex. And then he gets upset when I won't have sex with him whenever he wants it. Sorry but I'm not a fiend like he is. Oh and it's pretty lame that he yells at me for smoking and tries to flick my cigarettes out of my hand, when he blows all of his money on cigars, and pays more attention to them than he does to me. And it's ok for him to smoke cigars but no, I can't smoke cigarettes cuz they cause cancer, even though cigars cause cancer too.
I really think we need a break. I should have listened to everyone when they told me this was going to happen. I'm not that upset though. I used to think that I would be devistated if something were to happen between us. But now when I think about it, it doesn't really bother me. Maybe I don't know what I want. I kind of do want to know what else is out there. I want to be able to hang out with my friends and not have to worry about if I'm doing something that will upset him. I want to be able to do what I feel like doing. I don't want to feel so tied down anymore. I want to see if I'm happier with him than without him. I suppose I'll just talk to him and see where things go?
I don't even know where to start. I don't want to say that I'm sick of him, that sounds really bad. But I'm sick of the way he's been treating me. I'm sick of being told what to do. I'm sick being told how to spend my money. I'm sick of being told how much I'm allowed to sleep, and eat. I'm sick of literally starving myself for him to be proud of me. I hate that he tells me what I'm allowed to eat and drink. When I'm allowed to drive my car because it wastes gas to go hang out and do things. I hate that he's reluctant to take me to a movie, or to get something to eat, yet he takes his brother out all the time and buys dinner for Mike Jones after work because Mike Jones says he's upset and he feels "obligated". Nothing against Mike Jones, but it makes me kind of angry. I hate that when I finally feel a little confident about myself and the way I look, he puts me down by saying I'm eating too much, or eating the wrong things, or drinking too much of something, and telling me that I'm overweight. I don't care what he backs up his statement with, the words "you're overweight" came out of his mouth and that's bullshit. I might be out of shape but I'm not overweight. And I'm working on getting in better shape, so he can kiss my ass. I hate that I have to work out so hard that it makes me sick, just so he'll be happy. I hate that he tells me not to buy the things that I want. And I really hate that he pushes me around, and hits me, and whatever else he does. And he won't stop when I ask him to. He thinks he's just playing around, but I can't stand it, and it never stops. And I hate that he always has to be touching me. I understand he's my boyfriend but he's constantly touching me and sometimes I don't like it, and again, he doesn't stop if I ask him too. He thinks it's a big joke, so he starts doing it more. Every time I ask him to stop he goes further and further. He knows my past with certain guys, and he knows that I get uptight about that. But he doesn't stop. It gets really old how every day when I see him all he wants to do is have sex. And then he gets upset when I won't have sex with him whenever he wants it. Sorry but I'm not a fiend like he is. Oh and it's pretty lame that he yells at me for smoking and tries to flick my cigarettes out of my hand, when he blows all of his money on cigars, and pays more attention to them than he does to me. And it's ok for him to smoke cigars but no, I can't smoke cigarettes cuz they cause cancer, even though cigars cause cancer too.
I really think we need a break. I should have listened to everyone when they told me this was going to happen. I'm not that upset though. I used to think that I would be devistated if something were to happen between us. But now when I think about it, it doesn't really bother me. Maybe I don't know what I want. I kind of do want to know what else is out there. I want to be able to hang out with my friends and not have to worry about if I'm doing something that will upset him. I want to be able to do what I feel like doing. I don't want to feel so tied down anymore. I want to see if I'm happier with him than without him. I suppose I'll just talk to him and see where things go?