(no subject)
tuesday, dec. 20th: i had a pretty rough day and i went to a choir concert w/ merritt cuz maggie was in it and we sat up front and joked the whole time...... but then merritt said "dont hit my leg" (i was tapping it lightly) and i asked why and she said cuz their fat..... my response, before i could even think was "so?" and i'll never forget those next 45 seconds. i saw the look on her face and it made my stomach drop so far down and i instantly felt like shit..... i felt like just whipping myself with my belt right there. i hurt her feelings and it made me just wanna die. here was the person i loved and i just hurt her.... i thought that over and over. i felt like such a dick and then i went kinda silent. i felt like just dying inside and she told me not to feel bad and that she forgives me and i just felt so unbelievable. how she could turn around and say that made me feel so relieved and what she said just made me speechless. i love her so much.
wendsday, dec 21st: i went over to her house after i got home early from school and i'll never forget that night.... ever. i just couldnt believe what happened. the stuff she said. the stuff i said too. but i'll never forget the one part of the night that chokes me up so much whenever i even think of it......
she asked me what we would do once we got out of here and i told her.... i told her everything i wanted in my future with her and when i finished she replied: " i love that story" and it made me drop to my knees emotionally. if i was standing when she said that i probably would have dropped on the floor because i could just feel how in love with her i was. i just started to cry because what she said was so beautiful and because i want more than anything for that story to be true. i still cry whenever i think of it. i cant believe how in love with her i am
when i got home that night i layed down on my bed and just couldnt stop crying....... i couldnt stop. i found myself asking god, or whoever the hell is up there there, to please make that story i told come true. i begged and begged and cried and said i would give up anything and everything in my life just to spend my life with her. it prob was pathetic to watch but i couldnt help it. i dont really believe in prayer, but i did at that moment. i would've traded anything just to have seen her one more time that night and hold her as close as i could and say to her that i loved her. i just want to scream as loud as i can that i'm in love with her. i want to scream about how i want to spend the rest of my life with her. i dont ever want to leave her or for her to leave me. i know that i will NEVER be as happy with somebody as i am with her. i want to be with her and i'm scared so much. i'm so scared that one day she'll leave me and it will all be over. i'm so scared that i wont get to run away with her. i'm so scared of my future and i fear it more than anything else. the feeling in my stomach is starting to act up again...... it's a good feeling because its my instincts telling me my future..... and its telling me that i will spend my life with her. i never want this to end.... ever..... i dont think it will. that was the most beautiful night ever in my life. i love her so much
friday, dec 23rd: me and her went to the mall w/ her family and we went out to eat. it was fun as hell. and when i got back to her house, i felt so happy and so sure about me and her. we lied together on the couch and she seemed tired and i looked at her all the time that night. her face. i just couldn't take my eyes off of it. she looked more beautiful then ever tonight and i couldn't stop thinking about how much i loved her. then i got all paranoid. i thought that later on in the night, when we were alone together, that i was acting like a macho, jerky asshole type. (i took my meds today cuz my mom made me so that probably was why i got paranoid) but i wanted to let her know that what i do is because i love her more than anything and i dont want her to get the wrong idea at all. i didnt think she was taking it the wrong way, but i wasnt too sure. all i know now though is that i love her and i want to be with her till the day i die. im sure she knows that, and i know she thinks the same about me. i love her so much
merritt: i love you more than anything and i always will. you are the reason i am alive today and the reason i am happy, i want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with you and i would give anything up to start a family with you and live with you. you are everything to me, and you always will be. god, i love you so much i cant describe it and i hope you know that i do. i'd do anything for you and i love you so much. i want to spend my life with you. i want to be with you forever. i love you so much, but i wanna ask you something and i want you to answer honestly..... "will you spend the rest of you're life with me?"
i love you,
mike
wendsday, dec 21st: i went over to her house after i got home early from school and i'll never forget that night.... ever. i just couldnt believe what happened. the stuff she said. the stuff i said too. but i'll never forget the one part of the night that chokes me up so much whenever i even think of it......
she asked me what we would do once we got out of here and i told her.... i told her everything i wanted in my future with her and when i finished she replied: " i love that story" and it made me drop to my knees emotionally. if i was standing when she said that i probably would have dropped on the floor because i could just feel how in love with her i was. i just started to cry because what she said was so beautiful and because i want more than anything for that story to be true. i still cry whenever i think of it. i cant believe how in love with her i am
when i got home that night i layed down on my bed and just couldnt stop crying....... i couldnt stop. i found myself asking god, or whoever the hell is up there there, to please make that story i told come true. i begged and begged and cried and said i would give up anything and everything in my life just to spend my life with her. it prob was pathetic to watch but i couldnt help it. i dont really believe in prayer, but i did at that moment. i would've traded anything just to have seen her one more time that night and hold her as close as i could and say to her that i loved her. i just want to scream as loud as i can that i'm in love with her. i want to scream about how i want to spend the rest of my life with her. i dont ever want to leave her or for her to leave me. i know that i will NEVER be as happy with somebody as i am with her. i want to be with her and i'm scared so much. i'm so scared that one day she'll leave me and it will all be over. i'm so scared that i wont get to run away with her. i'm so scared of my future and i fear it more than anything else. the feeling in my stomach is starting to act up again...... it's a good feeling because its my instincts telling me my future..... and its telling me that i will spend my life with her. i never want this to end.... ever..... i dont think it will. that was the most beautiful night ever in my life. i love her so much
friday, dec 23rd: me and her went to the mall w/ her family and we went out to eat. it was fun as hell. and when i got back to her house, i felt so happy and so sure about me and her. we lied together on the couch and she seemed tired and i looked at her all the time that night. her face. i just couldn't take my eyes off of it. she looked more beautiful then ever tonight and i couldn't stop thinking about how much i loved her. then i got all paranoid. i thought that later on in the night, when we were alone together, that i was acting like a macho, jerky asshole type. (i took my meds today cuz my mom made me so that probably was why i got paranoid) but i wanted to let her know that what i do is because i love her more than anything and i dont want her to get the wrong idea at all. i didnt think she was taking it the wrong way, but i wasnt too sure. all i know now though is that i love her and i want to be with her till the day i die. im sure she knows that, and i know she thinks the same about me. i love her so much
merritt: i love you more than anything and i always will. you are the reason i am alive today and the reason i am happy, i want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with you and i would give anything up to start a family with you and live with you. you are everything to me, and you always will be. god, i love you so much i cant describe it and i hope you know that i do. i'd do anything for you and i love you so much. i want to spend my life with you. i want to be with you forever. i love you so much, but i wanna ask you something and i want you to answer honestly..... "will you spend the rest of you're life with me?"
i love you,
mike