Neither Here Nor There
At times, I'm somewhat bored here but class hasn't started yet, I haven't signed up for CNA classes yet and I am somewhat enjoying the prospect of being very lazy for a couple of days knowing that this will be the last opportunity I have not to feel bad about not doing anything. Come the start of the summer semester there will be no excuses for me not being productive, busy, and fervently working on making changes in my life. There is too much potential I have not done anything with, and the more time that passes, the more I feel lost in my own inability to map out a direction for myself and follow it .I don't wish to speak my goals out loud to avoid a certain rolling of the eyes and a pianful look of doubt from others I've gotten my entire life when I've expressed a desire to do something. Instead, when I achieve what I want, it won't be something that someone could miss and I'll be the one nodding my head.
Staying here this summer was actually a great idea. The place is really really dead. Twelve o clock am on the road looks like a couple cars here and there. Moe's is empty and starbucks is happy to see a customer. I take myself out to lunch, just sit around at an outdoor table and read one of my many self help books or re-write lyrics. Finally, things are comming together in that area. Don't think I'm going to waste any more money on studio time. I'll just record and edit them on my computer and start sending them out. I've gotten to catch up on movies, which part of me enjoys and the other part wonders why someone would go and see it in a theatre. Some of them were made out to be so much better than they actually were but at least I feel caught up. Being here now kind of reminds me of my first summer ever here. The kind of freedom that was like, I don't have to awnser to anybody and no one really knows who I am here. I kind of remember now how nice it was not to have to please anyone or really have to deal with anyone. It was my time that I wanted just for me. It was driving around on archer road discovering new places and discovering "sweet tea" and listening to delilah and laughing at what a pathetic show that was. I guess I wanted that summer to be my time to heal from a weird childhood and from bestfriends turned to enemies. I didn't want to deal with anyone so no one would hurt me again. And I did just that. I learned who Nora Jones was and who Seal was and who Lionel Richie was and I actually for the first time ever starting developing my own interests and my own tastes. The only problem is that that summer extended to three years. Once I started, I just couldn't put myself back out there. I tried a couple times- running club, tango classes ect. It just felt like being around other people was such an effort that wasn't worth it. I didn't know if I felt inferior or superior to others- I was just bored out of my mind with other people, tired of their stupied games and tired of even someone just looking at me or knowing who I was or where I came from. It felt good to just be a stranger.
It doesn't feel good anymore and it hasn't for quite awhile, but breaking this cycle is a huge challenge for me. I know why I did it now and I understand myself better. My biggest regret in life has been that I never gave myself permission to be important. I never declared my right to be somebody. And at nearly 21 years old, I hope it's not too late.
I read a quote the other day, I don't remember who it's by but it goes " It is your birthright to live life to the fullest."
Staying here this summer was actually a great idea. The place is really really dead. Twelve o clock am on the road looks like a couple cars here and there. Moe's is empty and starbucks is happy to see a customer. I take myself out to lunch, just sit around at an outdoor table and read one of my many self help books or re-write lyrics. Finally, things are comming together in that area. Don't think I'm going to waste any more money on studio time. I'll just record and edit them on my computer and start sending them out. I've gotten to catch up on movies, which part of me enjoys and the other part wonders why someone would go and see it in a theatre. Some of them were made out to be so much better than they actually were but at least I feel caught up. Being here now kind of reminds me of my first summer ever here. The kind of freedom that was like, I don't have to awnser to anybody and no one really knows who I am here. I kind of remember now how nice it was not to have to please anyone or really have to deal with anyone. It was my time that I wanted just for me. It was driving around on archer road discovering new places and discovering "sweet tea" and listening to delilah and laughing at what a pathetic show that was. I guess I wanted that summer to be my time to heal from a weird childhood and from bestfriends turned to enemies. I didn't want to deal with anyone so no one would hurt me again. And I did just that. I learned who Nora Jones was and who Seal was and who Lionel Richie was and I actually for the first time ever starting developing my own interests and my own tastes. The only problem is that that summer extended to three years. Once I started, I just couldn't put myself back out there. I tried a couple times- running club, tango classes ect. It just felt like being around other people was such an effort that wasn't worth it. I didn't know if I felt inferior or superior to others- I was just bored out of my mind with other people, tired of their stupied games and tired of even someone just looking at me or knowing who I was or where I came from. It felt good to just be a stranger.
It doesn't feel good anymore and it hasn't for quite awhile, but breaking this cycle is a huge challenge for me. I know why I did it now and I understand myself better. My biggest regret in life has been that I never gave myself permission to be important. I never declared my right to be somebody. And at nearly 21 years old, I hope it's not too late.
I read a quote the other day, I don't remember who it's by but it goes " It is your birthright to live life to the fullest."