Get Outta My Dreams
So today I took a big step in my adult life. A while ago, I booked an um..."women's exam" at shands outpatient and today was the glorious day I spread eagle and had an exam and a pap smear. It was kind of weird for me because no one has in recent years other than really my sister or my mom seen me naked. And granted, they haven't seen the insides of me. Anyway, I don't think I would be so revealing to anyone now even if they are related because the older you get it just doesn't seem right. So having a complete stranger touch your breasts and look at your ho hum and feel around was rather a first for me. I really like the doctors at Shands, well I think Gainesville doctors in general are a lot better than anywhere else because they've got southern hospitality down pat. Anyway, the nurse was really nice and I was apprehensive about booking with a doctor I never even met before but I was so relieved that she was who she was. She was probobly in her thirties, a tad heavy set with blonde hair and stylish black glasses and she totally made me at ease. Compare that to the stringent nurses at student health care who are in their forties and are pissed off at the world and the last thing they want to look at is a vagina. So yea, I talked with her about period concerns and what not and she wrote a prescription for a low dose birth control to help out. She said to take it after my next period and that it should make my skin amazingly clear. If that happenes that would be great because I've been plagued by never having perfect skin since puberty. It sucks because even when my skin is having a good day, there is always one spot or troublesome area and I've been envious of girls who have porcelian skin, without even wearing makeup. Another thing I hope will happen is that my breasts will get bigger. I was so self consious today when she was feeling around and when you lie down your flatter anyway, but I felt like a total man. Even when I hug someone I'm always worried they'll feel that I'm wearing a padded bra. I dunno. I really don't want to go through having a boob job, but I don't want to go my whole life feeling ugly and unwomanly. I'm hoping that even if they grow a little bit, I'll feel a lot better about how they look. But anyway, just body issues. It's hard being a girl! You can never be thin enough, have big enough breasts or be aesthetically pleasing enough and it's all at the cost of pain or discomfort. They also told me I was super tiny down there and unusually narrow and when I first have sex to be very very careful.
I respect that I'm still a virgin. I mean, sex is not something I want to experience just for the experience. As cliche as it sounds, I want to know that I'm giving away a large part of me to someone who is going to be a major part of my life and I'm sure of their character and I love them. I always told my sister never to give it up if it didn't involve 'La Perla' leingerie, an expensive bottle of wine, and a five star hotel. And I abide by those standards myself. At least something comparable to that. How often do you hear of the "I lost my virginity in a bathroom. I was drunk and he happened to be my boyfriend at the time." It's really gross. And just the image of dogging someone in sweatpants in a dormitory seems so anamalistic and juevinille and unspecial. I know a lot of girls my age have lost their virginity already but I think that they most likely lost it in dormitories or in their childhood bedrooms to "boys" who's idea of post sexual activity includes getting up to play a game of dungeons and dragons. I'm sorry, but I want chocholate covered strawberries, room service the next day and I want to do it with a man who wears a bussiness suit on a regular basis. Otherwise, it doesn't really lull me in. It becomes a sort of kid game of who does who. It's almost like thier imitating the adult world, but it's just not the same. There is so much immaturity behind it and the absolute worst part is that the nonchalance in their attitudes only result in people getting hurt. I don't know, I've always held high standards.
I guess I don't want to have sex untill I feel completely like I am a woman. Like I financially take care of myself, I'm totally confident in my body and feel beautiful and I've found the man who respects that and appreciates that. I didn't want to lose it as a kid. Not in control of my life. When I feel like I'm a woman, and all of those other factors come into play including the right person, I think it will be worth the wait. Kind of like it will be the ultimate stamp on my life where I believe I've fully evolved into the person I want to be. And if it doesn't work out with the person, at least I have my dignity. They can have visions of me in a 500 dollar bra and underwear set and they can foot the bill of the five star hotel. And I can at least say, if it didn't work out, that at least I did it in style. I wasn't in a baggy t-shirt romping on somebody's bunk bed with the t.v. on in the background.
Last night I tossed and turned. I went to bed late and then when I went to bed I couldn't fall asleep right away. I guess I was worried about the final which is thursday and so far I've covered 9 chapters and unfortently that's not all of it. I'm just hoping it will pay off, all the time spent on it. In general my concentration seems to be off or rather, my mind finds more interesting things to think about rather than whats on the paper in front of me. I wish I had done more studying today, I suppose I'll study all day tomorrow. I can't decide if I should sleep really late tomorrow and study all night till 7am when im supposed to take it or what. I'm not going to be able to get much sleep knowing that I'm waking up at 6:30 anyway. I guess I'll see where it takes me. Thats all you can do. I just wish it were over already.
I woke up thrashing around this morning. I had an intersting dream about people from my past. They were all running around playing soccer with what they were majoring in on the back of their jerseys. Really weird. Like some it would say 'psychology' and others it would say 'history' or 'education.' But they were all playing on the same team. It sounds symbolic, but I'm too lazy to try to figure it out. Then someone from my past I've managed to put behind me appeared to me in the same dream and I used to have tons of dreams about this person. And in all of them he was either saving me from drowning, or holding my hand. In this dream, he appraoched me after years of not seeing him and oddly enough I had really dark hair and green eyes and I pretended to not know who he was. And he kept saying his name and I would say "I don't know you, I'm sorry". And then he took me by the hand and said " your really beautiful and I just want you to know that" and he kept saying he was sorry for everything and then I couldn't resist myself and I gave in and hugged him and was like okay I believe it's you and I remember who you are. And again with the hand thing. It was so vivid. He like reached out to me with his hand and I took it and felt it and the dream focused on me looking at two hands interlocking and he was leading me into a bedroom with a tempurpedic bed that was like in a glass house. And I was lying next to him smiling and relaxed and then I woke up. Mad. Because you can cut someone out of your life and get over the hurt feelings in reality, but you can't control it when your mind plays out a reality that could never be over and over again in your dreams. My suppressed subconcious keeps teasing me with a scenario that couldn't be farther from the truth. And that's what irks me the most. Only in my dreams will he ever be that person. And just like I'll never have black hair and green eyes, he will never have the capacity to be the person I want him to be. And even though it's no longer a part of my reality and I feel so proud that i've let it go and let it be what it is- a dream makes me vulnerable to realizing that my subconsious won't have it any other way. I keep telling myself I HATE this person and they are in my mind dead. And maybe because ive been doing it so much, my mind wanted closure in a dream and thats the only way that it would be closure for me. I only hope that it is. In life I was hurt because I felt entirely unwanted by someone that I wanted but they weren't who I thought they were. And in my dreams, they're everything I thought they were and I'm the one who is wanted by them and they are the ones who have to work to be wanted by me. It makes sense. It just frusterates me to no end because I never want to see his face again or remember him and there it is... in a fucking dream just dangling everything that could and will never be right in front of me. And I don't even WANT it to happen or WANT to know anything about him or from him, so why do I want it in a dream. I thought I had successfully erased him and I'm so annoyed just by the thought of him in life, so why am I still enamored with him in dreams? I don't want to have feelings anymore and I'm pretty sure I don't. I just don't understand why my dreams are telling me something else because they've got it all wrong. He's not welcome in my life, he most certainly should not be welcome in my dreams. And if I do dream about him, I would prefer to feel about him in dreams how I feel about him in life- absolutely detested.
I respect that I'm still a virgin. I mean, sex is not something I want to experience just for the experience. As cliche as it sounds, I want to know that I'm giving away a large part of me to someone who is going to be a major part of my life and I'm sure of their character and I love them. I always told my sister never to give it up if it didn't involve 'La Perla' leingerie, an expensive bottle of wine, and a five star hotel. And I abide by those standards myself. At least something comparable to that. How often do you hear of the "I lost my virginity in a bathroom. I was drunk and he happened to be my boyfriend at the time." It's really gross. And just the image of dogging someone in sweatpants in a dormitory seems so anamalistic and juevinille and unspecial. I know a lot of girls my age have lost their virginity already but I think that they most likely lost it in dormitories or in their childhood bedrooms to "boys" who's idea of post sexual activity includes getting up to play a game of dungeons and dragons. I'm sorry, but I want chocholate covered strawberries, room service the next day and I want to do it with a man who wears a bussiness suit on a regular basis. Otherwise, it doesn't really lull me in. It becomes a sort of kid game of who does who. It's almost like thier imitating the adult world, but it's just not the same. There is so much immaturity behind it and the absolute worst part is that the nonchalance in their attitudes only result in people getting hurt. I don't know, I've always held high standards.
I guess I don't want to have sex untill I feel completely like I am a woman. Like I financially take care of myself, I'm totally confident in my body and feel beautiful and I've found the man who respects that and appreciates that. I didn't want to lose it as a kid. Not in control of my life. When I feel like I'm a woman, and all of those other factors come into play including the right person, I think it will be worth the wait. Kind of like it will be the ultimate stamp on my life where I believe I've fully evolved into the person I want to be. And if it doesn't work out with the person, at least I have my dignity. They can have visions of me in a 500 dollar bra and underwear set and they can foot the bill of the five star hotel. And I can at least say, if it didn't work out, that at least I did it in style. I wasn't in a baggy t-shirt romping on somebody's bunk bed with the t.v. on in the background.
Last night I tossed and turned. I went to bed late and then when I went to bed I couldn't fall asleep right away. I guess I was worried about the final which is thursday and so far I've covered 9 chapters and unfortently that's not all of it. I'm just hoping it will pay off, all the time spent on it. In general my concentration seems to be off or rather, my mind finds more interesting things to think about rather than whats on the paper in front of me. I wish I had done more studying today, I suppose I'll study all day tomorrow. I can't decide if I should sleep really late tomorrow and study all night till 7am when im supposed to take it or what. I'm not going to be able to get much sleep knowing that I'm waking up at 6:30 anyway. I guess I'll see where it takes me. Thats all you can do. I just wish it were over already.
I woke up thrashing around this morning. I had an intersting dream about people from my past. They were all running around playing soccer with what they were majoring in on the back of their jerseys. Really weird. Like some it would say 'psychology' and others it would say 'history' or 'education.' But they were all playing on the same team. It sounds symbolic, but I'm too lazy to try to figure it out. Then someone from my past I've managed to put behind me appeared to me in the same dream and I used to have tons of dreams about this person. And in all of them he was either saving me from drowning, or holding my hand. In this dream, he appraoched me after years of not seeing him and oddly enough I had really dark hair and green eyes and I pretended to not know who he was. And he kept saying his name and I would say "I don't know you, I'm sorry". And then he took me by the hand and said " your really beautiful and I just want you to know that" and he kept saying he was sorry for everything and then I couldn't resist myself and I gave in and hugged him and was like okay I believe it's you and I remember who you are. And again with the hand thing. It was so vivid. He like reached out to me with his hand and I took it and felt it and the dream focused on me looking at two hands interlocking and he was leading me into a bedroom with a tempurpedic bed that was like in a glass house. And I was lying next to him smiling and relaxed and then I woke up. Mad. Because you can cut someone out of your life and get over the hurt feelings in reality, but you can't control it when your mind plays out a reality that could never be over and over again in your dreams. My suppressed subconcious keeps teasing me with a scenario that couldn't be farther from the truth. And that's what irks me the most. Only in my dreams will he ever be that person. And just like I'll never have black hair and green eyes, he will never have the capacity to be the person I want him to be. And even though it's no longer a part of my reality and I feel so proud that i've let it go and let it be what it is- a dream makes me vulnerable to realizing that my subconsious won't have it any other way. I keep telling myself I HATE this person and they are in my mind dead. And maybe because ive been doing it so much, my mind wanted closure in a dream and thats the only way that it would be closure for me. I only hope that it is. In life I was hurt because I felt entirely unwanted by someone that I wanted but they weren't who I thought they were. And in my dreams, they're everything I thought they were and I'm the one who is wanted by them and they are the ones who have to work to be wanted by me. It makes sense. It just frusterates me to no end because I never want to see his face again or remember him and there it is... in a fucking dream just dangling everything that could and will never be right in front of me. And I don't even WANT it to happen or WANT to know anything about him or from him, so why do I want it in a dream. I thought I had successfully erased him and I'm so annoyed just by the thought of him in life, so why am I still enamored with him in dreams? I don't want to have feelings anymore and I'm pretty sure I don't. I just don't understand why my dreams are telling me something else because they've got it all wrong. He's not welcome in my life, he most certainly should not be welcome in my dreams. And if I do dream about him, I would prefer to feel about him in dreams how I feel about him in life- absolutely detested.