(no subject)
I suppose this is not the most ideal time for updating this being that I'm in a horrible mood from a horrible week from a horrible month from a horrible year. Actually, for a horrible five years. They say "don't sweat the small stuff" but I've found out that if you don't fret about the small, mundane, trivial and unimportant things you usually wind up in big trouble. Example: Last week, we were supposed to have a test on wednesday for one of my classes. He told us the first day of class that we had to provide our own scantrons. On tuesday, I go into the bookstore on campus and they looked at me really weird and were like uh...no... we...don't...sell....scantrons. They send me to another bookstore which sends me to another bookstore. Finally, I get smart and call but by this time it's too late and i'm tired and frusterated and have spent a great deal of the day fretting over a scantron and trying to debate if I should spend the time studying or trying to track down a scanton. So obviously, I stress all night and go looking for the stupied scantron the next day before the test, calling about 6 stores of which no one sold any. Course not. I go to class upset because I haven't studied as much as a should because ive been distracted by worrying and trying to locate a scantron but on the other hand am worried that I won't be able to take the test anyhow because i was unsuccessful in finding one. I arrive feeling and looking distressed and am awed at the looks on these peoples faces as if nothing could phase them in the world. They look completely blank. I ask some of them if we are still having the test since no one seems like they're preparing to be taking the test and they just shrug their shoulders like they don't know and don't care. Almost like somehow, it doesn't affect them and even though they're in my same class and sitting right next to me, it seems as though im in another world where everything and anything only seems to affect me, while the masses of people sit freakishly unaffected and undisturbed by anything. So then the teacher announces there is no test. He blames it on a 'printing problem' but then adds he'll provide the scantrons. And I look like the only one who's relieved. Again, the people sit there like they are on display in a wax museum. Maybe he realized that teachers are supposed to supply them since they come in packets of 100 and are usually provided by the department. In essece, I love how I spend time trying to locate something and time worrying about something that shouldn't have even been an issue. It's like instead of saying the first day of class that if we don't provide our own scantrons we won't be able to take the tests maybe... don't say it at all. And then, I'm even more perturbed that I was so worked up.... OVER A SCANTRON. Of course, his test was postponed and he tacked on another 30 questions since we were 'given extra time' a.k.a. his tests weren't ready and it was HIS FAULT. And it was the most detailed, hardest test ive ever taken that ive stuided for. His wording of the questions was horrible, every ABCD awnser choice was a paragraph long and he used the most random words like "enroached" when asking the questions. So basically, for every question he asked I had to question what the question was. When people turned it in and said it was unfair, he claims that he is going to program our tests into some statistical analysis program that will determine based on the people who scored the highest, if there were questions that even 'they didn't get' and that anyone who scored low should 'be compensated' for those questions. Sure. I would like to be compensated for the mental anguish this class has provoked.
On the lighter side of things I got a 91 on my first test in another class. Studied for two hours. No problems whatsoever. Which just goes to show you that this university doesn't test your intelligence or your aptitude, it really tests your sanity. I nearly pulled an all nighter last night to study for another test today, which was a make-up because I left my textbook in the lab and my TA didn't e-mail me about it untill the night of the test so I couldn't study (last week was a bad week as well). But she told me to talk to him and he said it was fine and to take it today after class friday. So today, I go to him after class and I'm like.. hi.. im going to take the test today and he looks at me like hunh? and he was like.. Oh.. did u talk to me or ur TA about it? Im like yea, I talked to both of you. He's like what did I say? Like, I have to remind the man of what he told me. I'm like u said to take it today after class because you were leaving out of town and wanted to have me do it before then. To which he is like...Oh, right. Then he's like, you know what, I've been really busy with getting stuff together for my trip.. like.. can you do it at another time? I'm like sure. But I was really peeved because I studied based on taking it today, I pulled a near all nighter since I didn't get my book back till wednesday and I had to cancel an eyebrow waxing appointment which doesnt seem like a big deal, but when your walking around with a unibrow and stray hairs galore and the appointment took a week to get, and I still can't currently get another one, it is.
At least he claims that this test is 'easy' and that some people scored 100 which means it is really easy and I have more time to study and secure and A. However, I've been in school since May 5th. This will be my third semester of this year. And I've been here every academic year, plus two summer and a half with the exception of half of a spring semester when I thought I was transfering. I'm really tired of having my life revolve around petty, mundane, stupied things and studying alot of the time alone in my apartment. It just seems pointless. While many people my age are in the prime of their lives right now, I can't dismiss the fact that, just like highschool, I'm going to look at college as nothing but mere time that passed and that I didn't by any means enjoy.
I'm in therapy now and I think it has been helping. It's not really for one specific thing but rather a multitude of a lot of things that add up to my ship-wrecked life. I've been twice, she wasn't seeing anyone this week which was a good thing because lord knows I would have had to cancel that for a todays test which I didn't end up taking. I'm seeing her again next friday. So far, we've only really talked about family and "friends" a.k.a. people who really don't care about me and about how it's been hard for me socially here. The thing about therapy, is that you can talk about things and really dive into shit, but it still doesn't change anything. Especially when it comes to other people's issues that affect you. I guess it's good because its helping me deal with things. But selfishly, I want to use it to help my own self as much as possible. I also see the time that goes by talking or dwelling on other people and when times up I get disappointed that I didn't spend it talking about my own personal issues or figuring out my own life plan. I think I've gotten some awnsers though, and therapy helps me take the rose colored glasses off when looking at people who clearly just hurt me.
I think Music will be where I try to find the beauty or the art in what simply is and can not be changed. But, I'm still stuck at completing utterly anything in its entirity. It frusterates me because I know I need more instruction, but I don't have the time right now or the belief in myself to invest in it. I would forget about it, and I want to, but it doesn't change the fact that I still want it so bad. I don't even know what I mean by it.
Seems that Im in a maze I can't get out of. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Don't know what I'm doing. Just all I can. Not living, just surviving.
I Don't understand why the biological urge to survive is so strong- when dealth is ultimately inevitable.
On the lighter side of things I got a 91 on my first test in another class. Studied for two hours. No problems whatsoever. Which just goes to show you that this university doesn't test your intelligence or your aptitude, it really tests your sanity. I nearly pulled an all nighter last night to study for another test today, which was a make-up because I left my textbook in the lab and my TA didn't e-mail me about it untill the night of the test so I couldn't study (last week was a bad week as well). But she told me to talk to him and he said it was fine and to take it today after class friday. So today, I go to him after class and I'm like.. hi.. im going to take the test today and he looks at me like hunh? and he was like.. Oh.. did u talk to me or ur TA about it? Im like yea, I talked to both of you. He's like what did I say? Like, I have to remind the man of what he told me. I'm like u said to take it today after class because you were leaving out of town and wanted to have me do it before then. To which he is like...Oh, right. Then he's like, you know what, I've been really busy with getting stuff together for my trip.. like.. can you do it at another time? I'm like sure. But I was really peeved because I studied based on taking it today, I pulled a near all nighter since I didn't get my book back till wednesday and I had to cancel an eyebrow waxing appointment which doesnt seem like a big deal, but when your walking around with a unibrow and stray hairs galore and the appointment took a week to get, and I still can't currently get another one, it is.
At least he claims that this test is 'easy' and that some people scored 100 which means it is really easy and I have more time to study and secure and A. However, I've been in school since May 5th. This will be my third semester of this year. And I've been here every academic year, plus two summer and a half with the exception of half of a spring semester when I thought I was transfering. I'm really tired of having my life revolve around petty, mundane, stupied things and studying alot of the time alone in my apartment. It just seems pointless. While many people my age are in the prime of their lives right now, I can't dismiss the fact that, just like highschool, I'm going to look at college as nothing but mere time that passed and that I didn't by any means enjoy.
I'm in therapy now and I think it has been helping. It's not really for one specific thing but rather a multitude of a lot of things that add up to my ship-wrecked life. I've been twice, she wasn't seeing anyone this week which was a good thing because lord knows I would have had to cancel that for a todays test which I didn't end up taking. I'm seeing her again next friday. So far, we've only really talked about family and "friends" a.k.a. people who really don't care about me and about how it's been hard for me socially here. The thing about therapy, is that you can talk about things and really dive into shit, but it still doesn't change anything. Especially when it comes to other people's issues that affect you. I guess it's good because its helping me deal with things. But selfishly, I want to use it to help my own self as much as possible. I also see the time that goes by talking or dwelling on other people and when times up I get disappointed that I didn't spend it talking about my own personal issues or figuring out my own life plan. I think I've gotten some awnsers though, and therapy helps me take the rose colored glasses off when looking at people who clearly just hurt me.
I think Music will be where I try to find the beauty or the art in what simply is and can not be changed. But, I'm still stuck at completing utterly anything in its entirity. It frusterates me because I know I need more instruction, but I don't have the time right now or the belief in myself to invest in it. I would forget about it, and I want to, but it doesn't change the fact that I still want it so bad. I don't even know what I mean by it.
Seems that Im in a maze I can't get out of. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Don't know what I'm doing. Just all I can. Not living, just surviving.
I Don't understand why the biological urge to survive is so strong- when dealth is ultimately inevitable.