(no subject)
I need to talk about it..I don't know to who, but i need to talk about it.i need to say to someone that i'm still hurting. every day it hurts, and i can't explain why other than to say, i was so scared.
i don't regret it. i don't feel any moral pain or anything like that. no part of me pines for "my child", or anything like that. but i was so scared. in a space of like what, 3 days? my life went from normal to fucking terrifying, every minute of it. and i felt alone. and i feel alone because the person who is supposed to be there for me the most, the person who was half responsible for this situation, wasn't there. and i needed you there, and i need you now but we still haven't talked about it. we still aren't talking about it.
and after all of that pain and terror, it got even worse. every time i think about june it just hurts so much, everything that happened comes back and it just becomes so obvious how not-okay everything still is. because it's still there. but i can't keep going on with my life like this. i don't know who i am anymore, i don't know what i want or where i'm going or anything, because i feel like that future world i built is lying in pieces at my feet and i need to go over them to get on with my life but the pieces are so sharp i can't make it over them by myself. i keep replaying lying on that hospital bed over and over in my head, remembering the horrible pain and wanting to scream and cry but i couldn't and i can't and after all of that, when you finally came home you didnt say anything. and i know how hard it is for you to know what to say and you don't want to make things worse but i need you to say something. i'm so sorry for what happened to you. i'm so sorry you had to go through this by yourself. i should have been there. i'm so sorry that you had to deal with this in a way i will never be able to understand. i'm so sorry for what i did, even after everything.
and i wish there was some equation to fill that would make it better. i wish i could tell you what to do. tell myself what to do. but i can't.
but every day we don't talk about things, is another day i have to deal with it by myself. and i'm starting to lose my footing.
i thought i knew what i wanted, and i thought you were the one i wanted it with. i was sure you were. and now, even if there's 10 good days, there's still going to be 1 where i feel like i have to be on my own, like this isn't going to end somewhere i need it to, like this isn't something i should be holding on to. what do you do when you've always been told that relationships exist on polar ends, good vs bad, and yours seems like it isn't even on the same pole? what do you do when things are so complicated that you can't tell the difference between what's good and what's bad anymore? i don't know who to talk to . i don't know what to say. i just know that there's this hurt that is so bad that every day it hurts the same way it did on the first day, and it isn't getting better. and this terrible thing keeps playing in your head over and over, and all the fear and the tears you tried to swallow on that day, so that you could make it through that day, keep coming back more and more every time your brain wont let you forget, wont let you stop thinking about it. this thing you never thought would ever happen is happening. and all you want is to be happy again, all you want is to be hopeful about tomorrow and grateful for yesterday but every day your brain won't let you forget about that thing, you wish more and more you wouldn't wake up when you go to sleep.