(no subject)
well i got into it with my mother the other day. and i just told her i felt like she wasn't really there for me, etc. and she got all pissed and told me how i needed to take a step back and think about what she really does do for me. and she brought up my abortion.
the first time she's done that.
she also brought up my sister's. she was never even fucking there for my sister. my sister and her boyfriend took care of it, paid for it, etc. and my sister was only 18. i had mine in sept. at 21. she didn't even help us pay for them. i've tried to talk to her because i have no one else, and it's so hard to get in touch with my sister.
and she always tells me basically get over it, i'm getting back on my feet and that will just bring me down. basically saying i can't forget it, but accept it and move on. ifelt like she is just telling me to fucking get over it.
but anyways, what i am getting at - she started crying. i was on the phone with her, her voice started to crack and i knew she was crying. it was her "how dare you" type tone. she was saying how she was there for both of us. and how she's lost two grandbabies and gone through two abortions in the past year. and how it ripped her apart when she saw me come out of the upstairs floor where the procedure was done. and she's seen how much mental and physical pain i was in and how she just wanted to cry, but she didn't. she stayed strong for me.
and it just fucking pissed me off so fucking bad. and i'm still pissed over it. hell, it all happened saturday. but she was one of the main reasons i got it done. i mean, yea, it was my choice. but i really wanted to keep it. the guy that got me pregnant kept pushing the idea, and my mother kept telling me it was the best thing.
and of course that fucker wanted me to get it done, we were just hooking up and he didn't want anything else to do with me.
but SHE...she said it was the best thing for me...SHE said it wasn't even a baby yet, it was just a cluster of cells...SHE helped me gain the courage to do it. and i was terrified. and it hurt so bad. but she was there for me, ya know.
and for her to fucking turn around, telling me how much she was there for me, and how much she hurt with me but didn't let me know.
but she always blows me off when i try to talk to her about it. she didn't even hardly acknowledge what just happened when or after it happened or as it was happening. i called her broken down in tears about the GUILT i felt and she basically tells me to get over it.
how does she have any fucking right to say how bad SHE hurt for it? or what SHE went through when she never even acknowledged my feelings or what I went through? what right did she even have to mention it or bring it up? that was MY pain and MY experience and she made it MY secret by lying to everyone and saying i had a cyst rupture.
so how dare she say how SHE hurt or what it did to HER. i mean, i can't talk about it, but she brings it up in the middle of a fight.
it's just something she NEVER EVER should have said.
made me regret my choice even more.
she lost two grandbabies...
she said that she and my stepdad had already talked about the "what ifs" of any of us (my sister, stepbrother, and i), having babies, and she said they decided they wouldn't raise it or help us or whatever, ya know, that'd be our deal.
i just felt like they'd be so ashamed of me.
i mean i know the sickness i'd feel, how shitty i'd feel. but she made me feel like i'd be so ashamed if i had it.
then she says all that.
it just infuriated me and hurt me so much, so deeply.
and now i have nothing to say to her for a long time. i'm tired of how she's done my sister and i, and always turns things around to make herself the victim.
but she had NO FUCKING RIGHT to do that. none at all.
it just brought everything back.
the first time she's done that.
she also brought up my sister's. she was never even fucking there for my sister. my sister and her boyfriend took care of it, paid for it, etc. and my sister was only 18. i had mine in sept. at 21. she didn't even help us pay for them. i've tried to talk to her because i have no one else, and it's so hard to get in touch with my sister.
and she always tells me basically get over it, i'm getting back on my feet and that will just bring me down. basically saying i can't forget it, but accept it and move on. ifelt like she is just telling me to fucking get over it.
but anyways, what i am getting at - she started crying. i was on the phone with her, her voice started to crack and i knew she was crying. it was her "how dare you" type tone. she was saying how she was there for both of us. and how she's lost two grandbabies and gone through two abortions in the past year. and how it ripped her apart when she saw me come out of the upstairs floor where the procedure was done. and she's seen how much mental and physical pain i was in and how she just wanted to cry, but she didn't. she stayed strong for me.
and it just fucking pissed me off so fucking bad. and i'm still pissed over it. hell, it all happened saturday. but she was one of the main reasons i got it done. i mean, yea, it was my choice. but i really wanted to keep it. the guy that got me pregnant kept pushing the idea, and my mother kept telling me it was the best thing.
and of course that fucker wanted me to get it done, we were just hooking up and he didn't want anything else to do with me.
but SHE...she said it was the best thing for me...SHE said it wasn't even a baby yet, it was just a cluster of cells...SHE helped me gain the courage to do it. and i was terrified. and it hurt so bad. but she was there for me, ya know.
and for her to fucking turn around, telling me how much she was there for me, and how much she hurt with me but didn't let me know.
but she always blows me off when i try to talk to her about it. she didn't even hardly acknowledge what just happened when or after it happened or as it was happening. i called her broken down in tears about the GUILT i felt and she basically tells me to get over it.
how does she have any fucking right to say how bad SHE hurt for it? or what SHE went through when she never even acknowledged my feelings or what I went through? what right did she even have to mention it or bring it up? that was MY pain and MY experience and she made it MY secret by lying to everyone and saying i had a cyst rupture.
so how dare she say how SHE hurt or what it did to HER. i mean, i can't talk about it, but she brings it up in the middle of a fight.
it's just something she NEVER EVER should have said.
made me regret my choice even more.
she lost two grandbabies...
she said that she and my stepdad had already talked about the "what ifs" of any of us (my sister, stepbrother, and i), having babies, and she said they decided they wouldn't raise it or help us or whatever, ya know, that'd be our deal.
i just felt like they'd be so ashamed of me.
i mean i know the sickness i'd feel, how shitty i'd feel. but she made me feel like i'd be so ashamed if i had it.
then she says all that.
it just infuriated me and hurt me so much, so deeply.
and now i have nothing to say to her for a long time. i'm tired of how she's done my sister and i, and always turns things around to make herself the victim.
but she had NO FUCKING RIGHT to do that. none at all.
it just brought everything back.