My story
Hello.... I just found this group, and I wish I had found it sooner. I hope that it is the right place for me. I had an abortion three weeks ago. I am pro-choice and agnostic and will always stay that way. I have had a very difficult time dealing with post-abortion stress and anxiety and depression. I have been trying to find a support group or supportive, non-Christian community to heal, and I have found very little. If this is the right place for me, I'd like to introduce myself by telling you about my experience and the emotions afterward. Maybe I can help someone feel like they're not alone, or maybe someone can help me.
I dealt with unplanned pregnancy and chose abortion. I had an abortion at 12 weeks. If you are contemplating abortion or have had one, maybe this post will help you in your decision or make you feel less alone. My heart goes out to anyone in this position.
I will be turning 21 in a few weeks. I had the abortion for the usual reasons - not emotionally or financially ready to have a child, wanted to finish school, the father did not want the child. I had the abortion at Planned Parenthood. At least at the clinic I went to, I would not recommend them. They had at least a dozen women in for abortions at once, and they shuffled through us as though we were all in for manicures. it was very unprivate and far too casual for something so monumentally emotional. The actual procedure was quite painful, even with the drugs, but very simple and quick and uncomplicated. Painfully uncomplicated, in fact. the simple ease of the procedure seemed like a travesty in comparison to the emotional pain I experienced.
I want to say first that I've always been pro-choice and always will be pro-choice. But I believe abortion is a horrible thing to experience, and no woman deserves the pain. My heart and my compassion goes out to any woman who is forced into this choice by circumstance.
I'm going to detail some of the emotional experiences I've had post-abortion. I'm not trying to sway anyone's decision one way or another, just trying to share my experience and find comfort from some and offer comfort to others.
Abortion is a really grotesque experience. Physically and emotionally. It truly is a secret and shameful pain. I can't talk to anyone about it. People do one of two things. They will judge me and label me a heartless baby-killer or they will get uncomfortable and change the subject or avoid me altogether. So my outlets for talking it out and trying, in some way, to heal, are very limited. Healing from something like this is a monumental task alone, but with people to support me, I might be able to manage. Unfortunately, not many people have stepped up. I have never in my life needed support more than I do now, and I feel more alone than I ever have. It's practically torture.
I refuse to call people who are against abortion "pro-life". I am pro-life, I am for life and the living of life and the right to life. I am also for the right of a woman to chose what to do with her life and her body. I am pro-choice. People who are against choice are anti-choice, or anti-abortion.
Anti-abortion people treat women like me as though we must be heartless and careless. Like we threw our babies away laughing, without a care at all. As though we use abortion as birth control. Like we go around getting pregnant intentionally, just for fun, then throwing it away when it's not fun anymore. Anti-abortion people will treat women like me as though we have no right to mourn. They hoard the mourning for themselves, crying out for the unborn and condemning the broken mothers. But no one hurts from abortion more than the woman who goes through it. I lost my baby to circumstances I had very little control over. It was my choice, ultimately, but it really isn't much of a choice when all the options are so black. If things were different, even a tiny bit different, I would have kept my baby in a heartbeat. But life isn't fair.
I want to mourn my daughter. The grief is the same as if I'd lost a newborn to an illness. The grief is exactly the same. But if I had lost a child to an outside factor I had no control over, I would be flooded with supportive friends and helping hands. Everyone I know would be offering me support, a shoulder to cry on, a loving ear to listen, someone to cry with. But I did not lose a child to an illness. I willingly aborted my baby. No one who has not had an abortion can understand that the grief is no different. No one ever wants to have an abortion. It's never an easy choice.
I have to mourn in shameful secret. I hate myself the way millions of people hate women like me. No one wants to comfort a woman who has had an abortion. Even those who would support my choice and not judge me for choosing what I did, even those pro-choice friends who told me that no matter my choice, they would support me, even those people will not support me now. Because I think, on some level, even those who are pro-choice to some degree believe it wrong for a woman like me to mourn her baby. Wrong or just plain pointless. I am either mourning a useless mass of cells that wasn't even a life anyway, or I am a murderer mourning the victim. Either way, it's useless, confusing, and even offensive to some people.
Because a woman who has had an abortion has no right to mourn.
But every single day, behind locked doors, in quiet rooms, in my parked car, I cry for my baby. I remember the procedure and wonder how in the hell I ever chose what I did. I was desperate, frantic. I had pressure from the father, and indirect pressure from my family. If I had chosen to keep my baby, not a soul in the world would support me. Oh, I'm sure I could have found a young mother's support group or something. But the people who matter would have turned their backs on me. My family would have been ashamed of me. The father would have fallen into stress, depression and anger, and probably would have left me eventually under the stress. The father's family would have closed their doors to me. My educational path would have been ruined. My peers in school would have alienated me. My friends would drift away, not knowing how to handle a young mom.
They tell you that you always have a choice, but what kind of choice is that? No matter what I chose, I was facing disgust, anger, abandonment and alienation. But if I chose abortion, I could limit the amount of people who would know about the situation, and hopefully control the accusing eyes and hate to a small number of people.
If I had continued the pregnancy, everyone I know would have drifted away, turned against me, or ridiculed me. At least this way, those that don't know what happened won't judge me.
I cry every day in secret and it's getting worse. I'm crying more every day. I need support to heal. I need a shoulder to cry on. This is just too difficult for me. And no one understands.
The father still loves me and still wants to marry me. I trust him with a great deal and he's nearly always there to support me. But not in this. For him, the issue is resolved. He has no lingering feelings about it at all, and is on the path to forgetting it ever happened. I have tried to talk to him about it a little bit, but he's gets distant and uncomfortable. It was his baby too. He doesn't want to talk about it, wants to forget it, because to him, if he forgets it he won't have to feel guilty about it. It's the same way he refused to talk about the pregnancy while I was still pregnant. If he avoids the subject, maybe it will go away.
It's absolute torture to be alone like this. The people I wish I could talk to have turned their backs on me. More than anyone, I want the support of the father. He can't provide it. I wish I could have my sister's support, but she is a very devout Catholic and republican and extremely pro-life. I wish I could talk to my family, but I come from a republican, right-wing Catholic religious family.
I just don't know how I'm going to heal with so many people against me or distant from me.
I've read a little bit about the clinical symptoms of post-abortion stress and anxiety. Many women have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after abortion. PTSD, that's what they diagnose soldiers with. It's not a pretty thing. But a soldier with PTSD will get sympathy and does not have to be ashamed of his illness. A post-abortion woman suffers in silence and exile.
I've had physical symptoms as well. They could be from the actual procedure, or they could be from the stress. I've had a headache almost constantly since the procedure. I can't remember more than five minutes in the past three weeks that I have not had a migraine. I wake up every morning feeling as though my head is being split with a railroad spike. Insomnia. I almost never sleep. I stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, get some fitful sleep, and then wake up at 5:30 or 6am. I have horrible dreams. Fever. I've had a fever off and on for the past week. Pain and weariness. I always feel like I've just run a marathon. My joints hurt, my muscles hurt, I'm weary and broken and weak, and nothing I do relieves the fatigue.
This is such a horrible place to be in. I'm reaching out to anyone who can offer some support and anyone who needs support. Please don't offer judgment of my decision. It is hard enough for women to go through abortion without being ridiculed for it. I've had my share of anti-abortion degradation and other young moms scorning me and acting superior because they made a different decision. But if you're in a similar situation or have something thoughtful to say on the topic, Talk to me.
I live in the Sacramento, California area. if anyone knows of resources for post-abortion healing in this area, or any non-religious, accepting support groups, I would really appreciate some information.
Also, if this is not the right place for me, please tell me.
I dealt with unplanned pregnancy and chose abortion. I had an abortion at 12 weeks. If you are contemplating abortion or have had one, maybe this post will help you in your decision or make you feel less alone. My heart goes out to anyone in this position.
I will be turning 21 in a few weeks. I had the abortion for the usual reasons - not emotionally or financially ready to have a child, wanted to finish school, the father did not want the child. I had the abortion at Planned Parenthood. At least at the clinic I went to, I would not recommend them. They had at least a dozen women in for abortions at once, and they shuffled through us as though we were all in for manicures. it was very unprivate and far too casual for something so monumentally emotional. The actual procedure was quite painful, even with the drugs, but very simple and quick and uncomplicated. Painfully uncomplicated, in fact. the simple ease of the procedure seemed like a travesty in comparison to the emotional pain I experienced.
I want to say first that I've always been pro-choice and always will be pro-choice. But I believe abortion is a horrible thing to experience, and no woman deserves the pain. My heart and my compassion goes out to any woman who is forced into this choice by circumstance.
I'm going to detail some of the emotional experiences I've had post-abortion. I'm not trying to sway anyone's decision one way or another, just trying to share my experience and find comfort from some and offer comfort to others.
Abortion is a really grotesque experience. Physically and emotionally. It truly is a secret and shameful pain. I can't talk to anyone about it. People do one of two things. They will judge me and label me a heartless baby-killer or they will get uncomfortable and change the subject or avoid me altogether. So my outlets for talking it out and trying, in some way, to heal, are very limited. Healing from something like this is a monumental task alone, but with people to support me, I might be able to manage. Unfortunately, not many people have stepped up. I have never in my life needed support more than I do now, and I feel more alone than I ever have. It's practically torture.
I refuse to call people who are against abortion "pro-life". I am pro-life, I am for life and the living of life and the right to life. I am also for the right of a woman to chose what to do with her life and her body. I am pro-choice. People who are against choice are anti-choice, or anti-abortion.
Anti-abortion people treat women like me as though we must be heartless and careless. Like we threw our babies away laughing, without a care at all. As though we use abortion as birth control. Like we go around getting pregnant intentionally, just for fun, then throwing it away when it's not fun anymore. Anti-abortion people will treat women like me as though we have no right to mourn. They hoard the mourning for themselves, crying out for the unborn and condemning the broken mothers. But no one hurts from abortion more than the woman who goes through it. I lost my baby to circumstances I had very little control over. It was my choice, ultimately, but it really isn't much of a choice when all the options are so black. If things were different, even a tiny bit different, I would have kept my baby in a heartbeat. But life isn't fair.
I want to mourn my daughter. The grief is the same as if I'd lost a newborn to an illness. The grief is exactly the same. But if I had lost a child to an outside factor I had no control over, I would be flooded with supportive friends and helping hands. Everyone I know would be offering me support, a shoulder to cry on, a loving ear to listen, someone to cry with. But I did not lose a child to an illness. I willingly aborted my baby. No one who has not had an abortion can understand that the grief is no different. No one ever wants to have an abortion. It's never an easy choice.
I have to mourn in shameful secret. I hate myself the way millions of people hate women like me. No one wants to comfort a woman who has had an abortion. Even those who would support my choice and not judge me for choosing what I did, even those pro-choice friends who told me that no matter my choice, they would support me, even those people will not support me now. Because I think, on some level, even those who are pro-choice to some degree believe it wrong for a woman like me to mourn her baby. Wrong or just plain pointless. I am either mourning a useless mass of cells that wasn't even a life anyway, or I am a murderer mourning the victim. Either way, it's useless, confusing, and even offensive to some people.
Because a woman who has had an abortion has no right to mourn.
But every single day, behind locked doors, in quiet rooms, in my parked car, I cry for my baby. I remember the procedure and wonder how in the hell I ever chose what I did. I was desperate, frantic. I had pressure from the father, and indirect pressure from my family. If I had chosen to keep my baby, not a soul in the world would support me. Oh, I'm sure I could have found a young mother's support group or something. But the people who matter would have turned their backs on me. My family would have been ashamed of me. The father would have fallen into stress, depression and anger, and probably would have left me eventually under the stress. The father's family would have closed their doors to me. My educational path would have been ruined. My peers in school would have alienated me. My friends would drift away, not knowing how to handle a young mom.
They tell you that you always have a choice, but what kind of choice is that? No matter what I chose, I was facing disgust, anger, abandonment and alienation. But if I chose abortion, I could limit the amount of people who would know about the situation, and hopefully control the accusing eyes and hate to a small number of people.
If I had continued the pregnancy, everyone I know would have drifted away, turned against me, or ridiculed me. At least this way, those that don't know what happened won't judge me.
I cry every day in secret and it's getting worse. I'm crying more every day. I need support to heal. I need a shoulder to cry on. This is just too difficult for me. And no one understands.
The father still loves me and still wants to marry me. I trust him with a great deal and he's nearly always there to support me. But not in this. For him, the issue is resolved. He has no lingering feelings about it at all, and is on the path to forgetting it ever happened. I have tried to talk to him about it a little bit, but he's gets distant and uncomfortable. It was his baby too. He doesn't want to talk about it, wants to forget it, because to him, if he forgets it he won't have to feel guilty about it. It's the same way he refused to talk about the pregnancy while I was still pregnant. If he avoids the subject, maybe it will go away.
It's absolute torture to be alone like this. The people I wish I could talk to have turned their backs on me. More than anyone, I want the support of the father. He can't provide it. I wish I could have my sister's support, but she is a very devout Catholic and republican and extremely pro-life. I wish I could talk to my family, but I come from a republican, right-wing Catholic religious family.
I just don't know how I'm going to heal with so many people against me or distant from me.
I've read a little bit about the clinical symptoms of post-abortion stress and anxiety. Many women have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after abortion. PTSD, that's what they diagnose soldiers with. It's not a pretty thing. But a soldier with PTSD will get sympathy and does not have to be ashamed of his illness. A post-abortion woman suffers in silence and exile.
I've had physical symptoms as well. They could be from the actual procedure, or they could be from the stress. I've had a headache almost constantly since the procedure. I can't remember more than five minutes in the past three weeks that I have not had a migraine. I wake up every morning feeling as though my head is being split with a railroad spike. Insomnia. I almost never sleep. I stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, get some fitful sleep, and then wake up at 5:30 or 6am. I have horrible dreams. Fever. I've had a fever off and on for the past week. Pain and weariness. I always feel like I've just run a marathon. My joints hurt, my muscles hurt, I'm weary and broken and weak, and nothing I do relieves the fatigue.
This is such a horrible place to be in. I'm reaching out to anyone who can offer some support and anyone who needs support. Please don't offer judgment of my decision. It is hard enough for women to go through abortion without being ridiculed for it. I've had my share of anti-abortion degradation and other young moms scorning me and acting superior because they made a different decision. But if you're in a similar situation or have something thoughtful to say on the topic, Talk to me.
I live in the Sacramento, California area. if anyone knows of resources for post-abortion healing in this area, or any non-religious, accepting support groups, I would really appreciate some information.
Also, if this is not the right place for me, please tell me.