Sunday Night - Roger's Room at Lammas Park - A Heated Confrontation
Roger brooded all day, thinking back over the last weeks since he'd met the real Adrian. The real one, not the cardboard cut out from his Hogwarts days. The one who said he wanted him and then turned cold and unfeeling and so damned close-mouthed about everything. Every time Roger tried to get close, tried to understand, Adrian shut him out. He still had no idea who the hell was in the picture in Adrian's wallet, only that he was important and Adrian felt strongly enough about him that he kept his picture there to remind himself of their relationship on a daily basis. He still had no idea what Adrian really truly felt for him after all this time they'd been spending together... sleeping, studying, training, eating meals, jogging, and now fencing... what to speak of all the fantastic, mind blowing, universe altering, earth shaking sex they'd been having.
Roger's mind wandered back down the well-worn path and grabbed onto the hurt he'd felt when he found out that Adrian had gone out with someone after declaring that he wanted Roger. What had he expected? Roger to drop Penelope like an Exploding Snap and declare his undying love? Gods! If Adrian really wanted Roger and really liked him, he might give him a little time mightn't he? But no, he'd been -- well, he only had Tim's word for it now, didn't he? Tim assuredly meant well, but the suspicious suppositions had been tearing at Roger's heart and mind ... at his soul as well it seemed. It wasn't fair to go on like this. He should just come out and ask Adrian. Draw a line. Demand to know the truth of what Adrian felt.
Of course after the awkwardness this morning, he probably felt pretty distant. Roger sighed. He couldn't take any more of this.
... not knowing if Adrian would sleep with him tonight, or ever again ...
Not another minute.
... of separation from Adrian's body, from his touch ...
He sent his customary flying purple R to Adrian's room and left his door standing open. When Adrian arrived and shut the door Roger stood to face him. He took a breath, knowing this was going to go badly. But it could hardly go worse than it already was. Roger's heart hurt. He wanted it to stop.
"Adrian a ... a friend told me, that you were out last weekend. They saw you with someone. I don't understand, because timewise, this was right after you told me you wanted to be with me."
The air was heavy with Roger's expectancy. But what did he expect? That Adrian would deny it? Call Tim a liar? Fall on his knees and pledge his adoration? Not likely. Roger felt himself coiling up ... for something ... some reaction ...
*
Adrian blinked at Roger's question. Why would Roger care what he'd done that weekend? Hadn't he himself kicked Adrian out of his room, accusing him of manipulating his mind with magic? Even if he'd apologised later, he'd still pushed Adrian away, hadn't wanted him, had hated the effect Adrian apparently had on him. Hated it enough to think it was a spell and not his own mind.
And what did you do with Penelope that Friday, Roger? Adrian suspected he knew, and the double standards he was suddenly and unexpectedly faced with in Roger, were ... infuriating. He pushed it down, together with the burning jealousy his thought had evoked..
"I went to Beaters," Adrian said calmly, so sick of it all suddenly, his voice almost took on a cold tone. "And picked up a bloke... spent the night with him at the Leaky Cauldron." He looked intently at Roger, directly into those beautiful hazel eyes, wondering how the man would react, challenging him to react.
Suspecting he would be on the other side of Roger's door in a very short time.
*
"You what?" There it was. The bald truth. He couldn't pretend that Tim exaggerated or maybe saw someone else. Adrian's voice, and posture, and facial expression were so cold ... so unfeeling. Roger wanted to see a reaction.
He shoved Adrian hard against the wall with a hand in the center of his chest. He was so angry. He'd never been so angry at anyone in a long time. Even when his father threw him out of the house for choosing to become an Auror. His father had just been stupid. This… this was a betrayal so straightforward. He couldn’t believe Adrian would do this. He suddenly didn’t know Adrian at all. And the horrible emotions boiling up in his heart showed him that he didn't know himself at all either.
"What the fuck do you mean 'you want me' when two days later you shag a complete stranger? What is that? I knew I was right. You don't want me!"
*
"No, it's you who don't want me!" Adrian tried to keep his voice low, steady...soft almost. Even if it hurt to say those words. "You told me this" Adrian gestured between them with a hand "wasn't you...what you wanted to be. Told me there could only be friendship." He still remembered that night so clearly. Like shards of crystal in his mind, grating and cutting whenever he saw Roger.
"So... I tried. I tried to make it that... tried to refocus... tried to give you your peace of mind back by destroying my own." He had destroyed it, hadn't been able to put it back together. But it had been good with Remus and deep down, he couldn't get himself to regret it. Because for that single night, he had succeeded in forgetting the shards. Succeeded in simply enjoying and letting go.
"I want you... more than anything or anybody in the world, but I can't ... I couldn't have you." His voice was touched by the anger shivering deeply inside him.
*
"This is your idea of friendship?" Betraying me at the first possible instant?
Ice stabbed through Roger's heart at Adrian's words. Destroying his own peace of mind?
Roger held Adrian by the shoulders, pressing him into the wall. He was consumed with a mad unreasoning jealousy. The thought of Adrian with ... another man made him so angry. He pressed his whole body against Adrian's, letting him feel what Roger felt, how hard his cock was ...
"Do you want me or not? I also told you that you already have me."
*
Adrian gasped as he felt Roger against him, going from despair to hope and then lust in mere seconds. Gods yes, he wanted. Wanted so much. He took hold of Roger and turned the tables swiftly, pressing Roger against the wall with the entire length of his body. He was almost panting with need. "I want you!"
*
Roger's head tossed around as he moaned at the feel of Adrian's body against his. A feeling he thought he'd thrown away and lost. Both his hands slid down Adrian's back to grip his arse and pull him close so that he could grind his cock into Adrian's crotch. He pressed upward on tip toes.
"Oh god, Adrian!" Roger slid one hand up and then into Adrian's trousers this time gripping the bare flesh of his arse.
*
"Roger..." Adrian moaned deep in his throat, his own hands sliding down and between the wall and Roger, to cup Roger's arse, pressing their hips together, his fingers flexing hard into the firm muscles. He leant in, licking a wet trail over Roger's throat before kissing it, sucking on the now moist skin, grazing this teeth against it
*
"Gods yes, you bastard," Roger moaned as Adrian fed on his neck. Why did it feel so fucking good, when ... Adrian ... owned him like this? He wanted clothes off now. He wanted to feel Adrian's skin against his.
Then he remembered what had made him so furious - "Did you take any precautions? Did you catch anything? Did you do a health check," the words were so bitter in his mouth, "before you ...?"
Gods! He couldn't even say it. Couldn't bear the thought of Adrian with someone else.
But you don't want to be with him!
Shut up!
*
Adrian was instantly hauled out of the haze Roger always seemed to be able to put him in. He felt as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been thrown in his face. "What? Do you ever think I would be with somebody I don't really know, without doing that?" He let go of Roger "Do you think I would be with you, if I even suspected..." as if he could ever do anything to endanger Roger... at all.
As if you will ever really be with Roger, his mind supplied unkindly.
*
"I don't know what to think!" Roger took advantage of the freedom of movement to start working on Adrian's trouser buttons.
"I can't think where you're concerned. I can onlyfeel. And what I feel right now ..."
He trailed off as he got the last trouser button undone. He slowly slid to his knees as he slid Adrian's trousers down his legs. He rubbed his nose in the dark thatch of hair at Adrian's crotch, kissing it and catching it between his lips to tug lightly.
*
Adrian shivered and closed his eyes as Roger slid down him, taking his trousers along. Every time, every damned time Roger got to him so easily. A shuddery sigh escaped him at Roger's nuzzling... the small tugs... gods. His cock twitched as it filled, got harder...
Like Pavlov's dog to the bell, that was Adrian to Roger. Roger rang and gods yes, Adrian would drool in anticipation of the want that would be fulfilled...the promise...
"Roger..." the name was almost whispered, his fingers sliding into soft hair as he still was too afraid to look, to be lost.
*
Roger ran his thumbs along the crease where leg met hip, back and forth, as he softly kissed the hair and flesh, over and over. Thought was gone. Desire was paramount.
Want... Need.
He needed to feel Adrian's cock hardening against his lips, against the stroke of his tongue. His Adrian.
Mine! Mine godammit!
He curled one hand around the hardening shaft, bringing it to his mouth to kiss and lick and nibble; and sent the other hand roaming up Adrian's abdomen.
*
Adrian shuddered out a moan, his fingers tightening faintly in Roger's hair, then he let go with one hand and put it over Roger's, lacing their fingers. He needed that, the contact, an anchor before he truly lost himself. Because it always felt too good, too much and not enough. It was only this after all. He only had a bit of Roger, could never have it all.
'Never'...lost meaning when they were like this. 'Never' didn't exist and he moaned again, fighting to keep his hips from bucking against Roger.
*
Roger wanted to make this good. Wanted to make this something Adrian would not soon forget. Wanted Adrian to think of this if he got with someone else. Roger, as hard as he possibly could, sucked the head of Adrian's cock into his mouth. Gods the flesh felt heavenly against his lips and then tongue. One hand gripped Adrian's. The other wrapped thumb and three fingers around the base of his cock. He pressed the pinky into Adrian's balls, into the flesh under and behind his balls.
*
Adrian's fingers flexed hard around Roger's, the only way he could somehow get some of all the sensations that attacked him out again. His head tilted back with another, louder moan, his breaths ragged and hitching every time Roger did something, moved, licked, sucked... His other hand caressed Roger's hair, the feel of his hair oddly grounding, fixing this in the reality of Roger sucking him off, driving him mad and he loved it. Roger's name and moans and panted breaths took turn over his lips and it was getting harder not to move against Roger for more.
*
Feel me! Think of me! Want me! Need me! Fight for me dammit... Talk to me.
Roger felt desperate. He couldn't even understand his own feelings, like a madness raging through him, fed by the moans sounded from above, the grip on his hand and in his hair, the reality of Adrian in his mouth. This is how it was supposed to be. He sucked and sucked as though somehow he could suck away every reminder of that man Adrian had been with.
*
Adrian never wanted this to end and held back, fought with his body for control because what Roger was doing arched intense sensations through his body, making his knees weak, making his moans almost whimpered.
He wanted Roger to stop, he wanted him to go on forever. He begged, not knowing what he was asking for. For Roger to continue, for Roger to make him come, for Roger to never go away, for Roger to be his. He wasn't aware of the words, only aware of Roger's mouth and fingers, his touches and the sensations, the feelings they create.
*
Yes! Adrian's moans made Roger delirious.
You're mine dammit! Not his! Not his! Not his!
Roger squeezed and pushed and pulled and sucked, hardly breathing. Struggling to contain the emotional overload crashing through his mind and heart, making his mouth water.
*
For a moment, Adrian squeezed Roger's hand painfully tight as he lost the battle against his body and Roger. He cried out, overwhelmed by ecstasy as his climax simply took control. He wobbled and his hand slid out of Roger' hair onto his shoulder, fingers digging in to keep him upright. Involuntarily, he bucked against Roger, coming and coming, losing and lost in pleasure. Roger's name kept following his panted breaths out of his mouth and he held the hand closely, refusing to let Roger go now. Ever.
*
Yesssss, you bastard! Say my name! Roger thought viciously as he struggled to swallow Adrian's bittersweet come flooding his mouth. Some leaked out and dribbled down his chin. When it stopped he pulled back and gasped hugely for air. He settled back on his haunches. One hand on Adrian's hip, the other still up on his abdomen, supporting Adrian's weight. He looked up at Adrian, still angry, still madly jealous. Still hard as a rock.
*
For a long moment Adrian just breathed, then he finally looked down, all the longing and need he felt right there in his eyes. He hoped Roger would see it, feared it too because it might drive him away
Always away, never stay... rang almost lyrically through his mind.
He swallowed, his mouth dry, as he kept the eye-contact. But as always, his eyes were drawn to Roger's lips as well. So evil, so good and demanding and always out of reach. He could only take what he could and hoped it would be enough for himself.
With a hitched breath, he dropped to his knees, his hand still clenched around Roger's. His free hand moved around to cup the back of Roger's head and he leant in quickly. However, last second his fears caught up and he redirected his mouth, with a low moan he licked Roger's chin, tasting himself as he sucked on the skin.
*
Roger felt embarrassed by the look in Adrian's eyes. So much pain. And all of it caused by him. He didn't want to hurt Adrian, yet he did again and again, every day it seemed. He couldn't help himself. It was torturing them both. He gasped as Adrian came so close to kissing him, but thank god! veered away at the last instant.
Thank god? Don't you want to know that too? What those lips feel like against yours? How Adrian kisses? He kissed that man ...
Drat. He couldn't pull Adrian's trouser up now. What now? Go away. Leave me to my insanity. You've got your sex, now go away. Roger turned his head away. His body pulled back.
You kissed him, didn't you? Some stranger you met at Beaters... and you haven't kissed me.
*
And there it was. Adrian stiffened, cold suddenly, alone. Not even the hand still in his could change that. So he let it go.
He wanted...wanted to push Roger down on the floor and just take him, take it all and make it his. But it could never be his.
His breaths were still faster than normal but all the lingering heat from the afterglow was gone. Should he just go? Should he wait for Roger to tell him to go? He didn't know as he looked down at his hands resting on his bare thighs. He didn't want to go.
"Roger..." what could he say?
*
One small word. ... His own name ... how could one small word shatter his resolve, break down all the walls he kept trying to put up between them? Roger hung his head.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He should just let Adrian go, but he couldn't. He should just accept what Adrian had to give. But he couldn't do that either. Guilt at what he was doing to Adrian gripped him. Shame at his own weakness. And sorrow that it could never be right between them, that they'd lost the easy companionship they once had. He slipped his hands around Adrian's waist and clung as silent sobs shook him. "I'm so sorry, I can't give you what you need," he forced out in a strangled moan.
I'm not good enough for you.
*
Adrian inhaled sharply, for a moment almost pulling away, as Roger's arms went around him and held him so tightly it was almost painful.
There were no second thoughts, no considerations needed as his own arms found their way around Roger. Even as he knew he should be angry, should push Roger away and tell him to get his fucking head set right before he ever touched him again, should leave.
He pressed his face into Roger's hair and just held. He could pretend, couldn't he? He could pretend this was his, his Roger, sorry for hurting him and promising never to do it again.
Adrian didn't say anything, knowing if he did, it would be the wrong thing. Because it wasn't all right, it wasn't okay, he forgave Roger, he always did because he had no choice, but it wasn't okay. Frustration and anger inside him sent more shivers through him
*
He's holding me? Why isn't he slapping me?
Roger raised his head his face found Adrian's neck and automatically he began nuzzling, kissing and licking it. He worked his way over and up to an earlobe, which he sucked into his mouth. The taste of Adrian's skin was like nectar. He couldn't get enough of its sweetness.
*
Adrian was going mad, he knew it as he moaned softly, his entire body going almost instantly warm as Roger's mouth touched him again. And there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. Again Roger touched him, made him feel, lit up that hope. And he knew it would hurt again, no matter how good it felt now. He wasn't strong enough anymore to deal with it as he would've only a short month ago. Roger had taken it all.
With a low sob, he pulled away, instantly swallowing down the painful knot in his throat. he whispered, "I can't, please..." he couldn't. He wanted to, craved it, needed it so much, but it would never stop. And Roger would always pull away again.
*
"All right. Shshshsh, love. It's all right." Roger whispered. He stroked Adrian's face with his fingers and supported him with his other hand. "It's all right. Do you want to go? Do you want to sleep?"
Gods they were a mess. Tears and snot, and come all over. Roger pulled out his wand and started cleaning them up. His brain felt bruised. His eyes and nose were swollen. His chest hurt. It hurt so bad.
*
Adrian shuddered at the word 'love'. Was he that? He didn't feel like it and hearing it from Roger actually hurt. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. He wanted to curl up in a dark corner and close his eyes and when he opened them, Roger would want him back and ... love him. Love Adrian and not just Adrian's body.
And of course Roger would be practical now, as if Adrian cared about any of that. He didn't care about being clean. He looked at Roger's face silently for a long moment, before he replied.
"I want to sleep." He wanted to be held, to pretend while he could.
*
"Yes," Roger whispered, relieved. He thought Adrian was going to leave. He ought to. It would be best for him. But instead he chose to stay. And Roger could hold him all night.
"Good." He rose and pulled Adrian up with him, then quickly helped Adrian out of his clothes and into Roger's bed. He turned his back and doused the torchieres, so Adrian couldn't see his erection. Roger slid in the sheets, into his accustomed position, spooned with his back to Adrian's chest. He pulled Adrian's arm over him and snuggled his arse snugly against Adrian's warmth.
*
Adrian sighed softly as Roger settled against him, all warm and real and close. This was the best, as good as it got for Adrian. Better than any of the more physical stuff they did. Far better, oddly enough.
So now he just wallowed, inhaling Roger's scent, his fingers unable to stay still on Roger's chest. His mind didn't shut up though and he knew Roger was still aroused. He still remembered how hard the man had been and didn't expect that had changed.
He was reluctant to change the mood of just breathing and sensing. But he couldn't help himself as he kissed Roger's neck. It was irresistible, just as his hand moving slowly down Roger's abdomen. He couldn't do this any longer, and yet he wanted it, needed it. He really was going mad. Even as his fingertips teased Roger's skin on their way down.
*
Roger shivered slightly as Adrian's warm lips kissed his neck. He shuddered at the feel of warm fingers tracing their way down his front. He trapped them with his own hand, and interlaced their fingers. Adrian had said he couldn't do this. He didn't have to.
Roger brought their clasped hands to his mouth and kissed Adrian's knuckles one by one. It was enough. Just being with Adrian was enough, touching, resting together. Roger had done enough damage for one night. He wanted a measure of peace between them. It was oddly reassuring to have the truth out in the open between them, albeit a harsh and unpleasant truth - that Adrian liked going out and picking up strangers. But Roger wanted Adrian to be able to be open about it with him. He needed to know.
And Adrian needed to rest. Roger felt a smug smile curve his lips. Adrian slept like a baby in his bed ... in his arms.
*
When Roger's hand intercepted his and captured it, Adrian closed his eyes. He wasn't sure why Roger did it and inhaled sharply as he felt those soft lips against his fingers.
If only...
He kissed Roger's neck again, small kisses up to his ear. Why was he so helpless against this? Why did he want so much? Want it so much that he always forgot the pain? He didn't know as he whispered against Roger's ear "I want to touch you..." And Gods, he wanted to. No matter that he couldn't do this any longer, because the want was always stronger than he would ever be.
*
Roger sighed in defeat even as his body pushed back against Adrian's. He had no defense against what Adrian wanted... since it was so much in agreement with his own body's wants. He loosened his grip on Adrian's hand. He wanted it so bad, so much. He shivered in anticipation as those strong skillful fingers once more wandered down across his body. He sent his leg back, over Adrian's bent legs.
"Yes ...please ..."
*
Adrian moaned as Roger moved back against him and he could feel his cock stirring slightly as it was pressed against Roger's arse, fitting so perfectly. He stroked down over Roger's lean and strong body, his breaths hot against Roger's ear and cheek. He indulged himself a bit, not going directly for Roger's cock, instead moving his fingers up over the inside of the leg slung over his own. A few slow caresses, pulling the leg slightly further back, pulling Roger closer, always closer, never enough.
He pressed his slowly hardening cock against Roger's arse in one slow grind as his hand finally found its way back to Roger's groin. So hard, for him, only for him.
Mine, my Roger! his mind thought fiercely as he ran his fingers down Roger's cock, then curled his hand around it and squeezed.
*
"...yes... Adrian ... touch me ..." Roger begged, rapidly going mindless at the sensations of Adrian pressing close, stroking him, touching him. The feel of Adrian's cock pressing into the crease of his arse had him gasping for breath. So stimulating, so thrilling. There was nothing like it, nothing like Adrian wanting him, Adrian pulling his legs open, Adrian gripping his cock.
"Yes! Gods!" He slowly rocked his hips ... into Adrian's fist ... and then back against Adrian's hardening cock. The touch of Adrian, all over his body, sent him up, beyond, ... and it was all right, because it was in the dark, and Roger could just surrender to the desires of his own body without thinking ... about anything at all. He felt Adrian all over. And his heart, like his body, knew that Adrian was all he ever wanted.
*
Adrian licked Roger's neck and suckled on the skin, moaning very softly with almost every exhalation at the sensations Roger's movements created. "So beautiful..." he whispered, unable to see Roger with his eyes, but his fingers and his body told him the truth.
He started stroking Roger's cock in tune with his slow almost lazy movements against Roger's arse. His fingers were a firm ring about the hard erection, pulling and pushing the foreskin up over the head and down the straining shaft again and again, using his thumb to tease the head and the ridge below, smearing the leaking pre-come to ease the friction.
His other arm snaked beneath Roger, under the pit of his arm, to fold around his chest, holding him even closer. "My Roger..." The words were almost inaudible against Roger's neck, even as his mind yelled them out.
*
His body sang from Adrian's touch, playing him, like an instrument, wringing every beautiful note from him, in perfect pitch and tune.
"Gods! Adrian!" The words were wrenched from him as electric thrills sparked out from his center to tingle his entire body. Above and beyond reason and intellect Roger was at peace with himself ... with Adrian...
"Love you ..." he cried. "Gods, but I love you." His voice shook with emotion and lust.
"Love you," he whispered as it became a contest between which way he thrust harder; forward into Adrian's fist, or backward, against Adrian's cock.
*
Adrian's eyes closed even tighter at those words. His entire being thrilled
with them, a wave of warmth washing over him, almost making him forget what he was doing.
Roger loved him... he could hear it in the voice and feel it in the moves, the need.
Only in the dark...
He refused to think about that Roger would never say that in the light of day. Never when his mind started thinking and not just feeling. Never. But he had told himself to take what he could, and he took this too, deep into his heart where an answering emotion cried out with pain and joy.
His body met Roger's moves, lust and heat between them. His strokes became faster, firmer, more demanding as he was pushed closer. He loved... Circe, he did. Loved Roger. but he was so afraid to say it. Afraid of the final rejection.
*
Roger's hands had found their way behind him, one on Adrian's hip, one on his neck, both pulling them closer.
Oh gods yes tighter harder fuck Adrian! the voice screamed in his mind, but externally Roger was only capable of weak desperate moans.
It felt so good, so very very good, Adrian touching him, pulling on his cock, rocking their bodies together. If sex was what Adrian wanted, sex is what he would get. Roger wanted to make him come all night, to come with him, to come together ... coming now oooohhh ...
*
Roger's cock grew slightly more against the palm of his hand and Adrian could feel him tense up. He was so close himself, so fast driven into intense pleasure by those words.
When Roger came, Adrian moaned against the skin, kissing over and over, wishing it was Roger's lips, wishing he dared return those words. He kept stroking, gentler and slower, trying to prolong Roger's pleasure, his own mounting, more moans spilling over his lips, his breaths irregular and panted.
Until he was lost against Roger, thrusting once more against him, shivers going through his body. He groaned and almost said it, the words nearly escaping as his mind could only focus on Roger and ecstasy. "Gods, Roger. My Roger. I l..." But he caught it with a startled gasp and instead continued the soft murmur with Roger's name.
*
Roger gasped as his body jerked and came. His orgasm was powerful and prolonged. And utterly wonderful, warm, wet, and sticky. Sex filled the air. He felt decadent as Adrian milked the last drops of pleasure from him. He clung tightly, even though the position was getting awkward and a bit difficult, he loved the feeling of Adrian glued to his back.
He wanted to roll over in his arms and kiss him, taste his tongue, feel it in his mouth, and that lower lip ... but that's what lovers did ... what people who wanted a relationship did.
Oh shut up! Roger told his exhausted mind before it could get started. He felt good right now and he that's all that mattered.
*
Adrian loved how Roger held him tight and close, as if he never wanted him to leave.
You should...
He hated that voice though. Hated that he knew he was a fool for hoping.
But he said he loved me.
In the dark.
Adrian stopped stroking, still panting for breath, and instead caressed Roger's stomach lightly, trailing his fingers through the cooling liquid there, placing more light kisses on his neck and jaw. There was nothing but warmth inside Adrian at the moment and Roger in his arms.
*
As Adrian released him, Roger let go with his hand but pushed his body back so he was more or less sprawled over Adrian, and both were on their backs. He marveled that Adrian came just from rubbing against him. Once again he caught the hand stroking his belly and brought it to his lips. This time he could taste himself on it.
He panted, his mind blown away by the exchange of energy, and lust, and passion. "I've changed my mind," he croaked. "I'm not done with you just yet." No, he couldn't stand the thought of letting Adrian go, to go out and find someone ... no, he wouldn't stand for that. He reveled in the feel of sticky come on his stomach and between his legs. It felt decadent and dirty, and real.
*
Adrian just breathed for long moments, unable to put words to his feelings as he held Roger, both arms around him. The weight of Roger was so incredibly good.
He would rather be facing the man, but he could feel him and actually didn't know if he would be able to face him even in the dark.
His fingers tightened around Roger's as he finally spoke, his voice low "Good...I'm not done with you either." It wasn't what he wanted to say
I'll never leave
he couldn't ever
I love you
but if he said that, it would be real and Roger only wanted the dream in the night.
*
Roger relaxed that last little bit, at Adrian's words. Thank god, no demands. "Fucking perfect," he mumbled. He kissed each of Adrian's knuckles interlaced with his own, muttering "love you... love you ..." between each one. Low enough that Adrian couldn't hear it ... he hoped.
Adrian would never understand ... hell, Roger couldn't under stand it himself. How easy it was to love Adrian ... and yet not be in love with him, to hold himself apart.
Shut up!
Gods, he so desperately did not want to think right now. To face what he'd just done to Adrian, after telling him to get lost ... practically tripping him and forcing him. With a low sad moan he rolled over and slid his arms underneath Adrian's body so that he could hold him tight, breathe in nothing but the scent of his body, nuzzle his neck, reach out his tongue and taste his sweat.
*
It wasn't perfect but it was as close as it could get, Roger curled around him, so bloody close Adrian almost couldn't breathe. He nuzzled back, burying his face in Roger's hair and almost clung, knowing how desperate any words would be, if he should talk. So he was quiet and tried to relax.
He didn't want to sleep, because sleeping would mean morning came faster and then light and then this would be gone.
He didn't understand Roger. How he could be like this?
How can he hurt me again and again, if he loves me?
But Adrian also knew that it was true. Roger wouldn't lie. So, there was only this and madness or nothing and emptiness. He would always choose madness, always Roger. He kissed Roger's hair, forcing himself to relax, to stroke Roger's back.
*
Say something Adrian! Roger railed mentally. What are you thinking, feeling? Have I made it worse, or better? Talk to me, you silent stoic fucking Slytherin. How do I drag it out of you?
How could it feel so good on the outside, and hurt so much on the inside? Roger felt like his physical desire, no, ... need, um ...addiction? compulsion? whatever the fuck it was that was going on with Adrian, it was skinning him alive inside.
He pulled up and away on his hands and knees over Adrian, but his lips remained on his neck kissing and licking. Sowly delicately, relishing the taste and feel of Adrian's skin, he slowly made his way down to Adrian's left nipple. He stroked the hard little pebble with the flat of his tongue. He breathed against it. He kissed it. And then, he sucked on it.
*
Adrian shuddered out a moan, Roger's touches so sweet against him, his lips, kissing his body like they never would his lips. "Please..." he whispered, his hands cupping Roger's head lightly, just touching, fingers buried in the hair.
A strong flashback made him jerk lightly as Roger's tongue teased his nipple. Once more it was that morning, so good and so right for long wonderful moments where he had dared believe, not knowing better. It didn't make a difference though, but it suddenly had him longing for ignorance, for the pleasure of not knowing what would come after.
Again his breathing grew faster at the sensations and he moaned, but... "Want to feel you... want to..." his voice was low and stifled emotions made it wavery
love you, be with you, have you as mine, please let me...
"Please"
*
"Yes, " Roger murmured as he kissed his way over to Adrian's right nipple. "Anything, love."
He lowered his hips until they were resting across Adrian's thighs. Feel that! Then he lavished the same sort of attention on this nipple.
He licked and kissed at the little nipple marveling how it felt so similar to a clitoris against his tongue, and the way Adrian moved and moaned, and begged.
Yes! You feel this! Feel me!
Gods, when he begged like that Roger felt delirious and wanted to give him anything in the world ... Including your heart? Roger let his body move down another few inches. He drew his tongue along the line of the bottom of Adrian's pectoral muscle. He let one hand rise to cup Adrian's face. He kissed across Adrian's flat belly.
*
Adrian's muscles twitched lightly at the teasing kisses and gods, it felt so good. It always did. He reached out and took Roger's hand and kissed the palm of it repeatedly, murmuring against it, continuing the pleas, telling Roger how good it felt, saying his name. His other hand caressed Roger's cheek, his ear, his hair, all he could touch. He never wanted it to end.
*
Roger smiled with wicked satisfaction as Adrian turned to pliant jelly beneath him. "Yes, Adrian, yes," he murmured.He loved hearing his name on Adrian's lips. Loved it!
He dragged the index finger of his free hand in slow circles over Adrian's hip and down his leg, teasing and coaxing that leg to open, to spread. His tongue reached his navel, he licked at it repeatedly dipping his tongue in like a cat licking up cream.
Then he began a trail of hickies. Just under the navel, he fastened his lips to Adrian's skin and sucked as hard as he could for about a minute then, relaxed a moment and moved down about an inch before fastening his lips again, and again sucking for all he was worth.
*
Adrian sucked in a deep breath at the first sensation of hard suction. He moaned loudly, arching lightly against Roger's mouth. It hurt slightly but it felt fantastic, sending arrows of heat straight to his cock.
Gods, what was Roger doing! "Roger!" he groaned, feeling himself go almost boneless, as if Roger sucked all strength out of him. He tried to shower some of the same attention on Roger's hand, the only thing he could really reach, kissing it, licking up the fingers, sucking them.
Roger's mind wandered back down the well-worn path and grabbed onto the hurt he'd felt when he found out that Adrian had gone out with someone after declaring that he wanted Roger. What had he expected? Roger to drop Penelope like an Exploding Snap and declare his undying love? Gods! If Adrian really wanted Roger and really liked him, he might give him a little time mightn't he? But no, he'd been -- well, he only had Tim's word for it now, didn't he? Tim assuredly meant well, but the suspicious suppositions had been tearing at Roger's heart and mind ... at his soul as well it seemed. It wasn't fair to go on like this. He should just come out and ask Adrian. Draw a line. Demand to know the truth of what Adrian felt.
Of course after the awkwardness this morning, he probably felt pretty distant. Roger sighed. He couldn't take any more of this.
... not knowing if Adrian would sleep with him tonight, or ever again ...
Not another minute.
... of separation from Adrian's body, from his touch ...
He sent his customary flying purple R to Adrian's room and left his door standing open. When Adrian arrived and shut the door Roger stood to face him. He took a breath, knowing this was going to go badly. But it could hardly go worse than it already was. Roger's heart hurt. He wanted it to stop.
"Adrian a ... a friend told me, that you were out last weekend. They saw you with someone. I don't understand, because timewise, this was right after you told me you wanted to be with me."
The air was heavy with Roger's expectancy. But what did he expect? That Adrian would deny it? Call Tim a liar? Fall on his knees and pledge his adoration? Not likely. Roger felt himself coiling up ... for something ... some reaction ...
*
Adrian blinked at Roger's question. Why would Roger care what he'd done that weekend? Hadn't he himself kicked Adrian out of his room, accusing him of manipulating his mind with magic? Even if he'd apologised later, he'd still pushed Adrian away, hadn't wanted him, had hated the effect Adrian apparently had on him. Hated it enough to think it was a spell and not his own mind.
And what did you do with Penelope that Friday, Roger? Adrian suspected he knew, and the double standards he was suddenly and unexpectedly faced with in Roger, were ... infuriating. He pushed it down, together with the burning jealousy his thought had evoked..
"I went to Beaters," Adrian said calmly, so sick of it all suddenly, his voice almost took on a cold tone. "And picked up a bloke... spent the night with him at the Leaky Cauldron." He looked intently at Roger, directly into those beautiful hazel eyes, wondering how the man would react, challenging him to react.
Suspecting he would be on the other side of Roger's door in a very short time.
*
"You what?" There it was. The bald truth. He couldn't pretend that Tim exaggerated or maybe saw someone else. Adrian's voice, and posture, and facial expression were so cold ... so unfeeling. Roger wanted to see a reaction.
He shoved Adrian hard against the wall with a hand in the center of his chest. He was so angry. He'd never been so angry at anyone in a long time. Even when his father threw him out of the house for choosing to become an Auror. His father had just been stupid. This… this was a betrayal so straightforward. He couldn’t believe Adrian would do this. He suddenly didn’t know Adrian at all. And the horrible emotions boiling up in his heart showed him that he didn't know himself at all either.
"What the fuck do you mean 'you want me' when two days later you shag a complete stranger? What is that? I knew I was right. You don't want me!"
*
"No, it's you who don't want me!" Adrian tried to keep his voice low, steady...soft almost. Even if it hurt to say those words. "You told me this" Adrian gestured between them with a hand "wasn't you...what you wanted to be. Told me there could only be friendship." He still remembered that night so clearly. Like shards of crystal in his mind, grating and cutting whenever he saw Roger.
"So... I tried. I tried to make it that... tried to refocus... tried to give you your peace of mind back by destroying my own." He had destroyed it, hadn't been able to put it back together. But it had been good with Remus and deep down, he couldn't get himself to regret it. Because for that single night, he had succeeded in forgetting the shards. Succeeded in simply enjoying and letting go.
"I want you... more than anything or anybody in the world, but I can't ... I couldn't have you." His voice was touched by the anger shivering deeply inside him.
*
"This is your idea of friendship?" Betraying me at the first possible instant?
Ice stabbed through Roger's heart at Adrian's words. Destroying his own peace of mind?
Roger held Adrian by the shoulders, pressing him into the wall. He was consumed with a mad unreasoning jealousy. The thought of Adrian with ... another man made him so angry. He pressed his whole body against Adrian's, letting him feel what Roger felt, how hard his cock was ...
"Do you want me or not? I also told you that you already have me."
*
Adrian gasped as he felt Roger against him, going from despair to hope and then lust in mere seconds. Gods yes, he wanted. Wanted so much. He took hold of Roger and turned the tables swiftly, pressing Roger against the wall with the entire length of his body. He was almost panting with need. "I want you!"
*
Roger's head tossed around as he moaned at the feel of Adrian's body against his. A feeling he thought he'd thrown away and lost. Both his hands slid down Adrian's back to grip his arse and pull him close so that he could grind his cock into Adrian's crotch. He pressed upward on tip toes.
"Oh god, Adrian!" Roger slid one hand up and then into Adrian's trousers this time gripping the bare flesh of his arse.
*
"Roger..." Adrian moaned deep in his throat, his own hands sliding down and between the wall and Roger, to cup Roger's arse, pressing their hips together, his fingers flexing hard into the firm muscles. He leant in, licking a wet trail over Roger's throat before kissing it, sucking on the now moist skin, grazing this teeth against it
*
"Gods yes, you bastard," Roger moaned as Adrian fed on his neck. Why did it feel so fucking good, when ... Adrian ... owned him like this? He wanted clothes off now. He wanted to feel Adrian's skin against his.
Then he remembered what had made him so furious - "Did you take any precautions? Did you catch anything? Did you do a health check," the words were so bitter in his mouth, "before you ...?"
Gods! He couldn't even say it. Couldn't bear the thought of Adrian with someone else.
But you don't want to be with him!
Shut up!
*
Adrian was instantly hauled out of the haze Roger always seemed to be able to put him in. He felt as if a bucket of ice-cold water had been thrown in his face. "What? Do you ever think I would be with somebody I don't really know, without doing that?" He let go of Roger "Do you think I would be with you, if I even suspected..." as if he could ever do anything to endanger Roger... at all.
As if you will ever really be with Roger, his mind supplied unkindly.
*
"I don't know what to think!" Roger took advantage of the freedom of movement to start working on Adrian's trouser buttons.
"I can't think where you're concerned. I can onlyfeel. And what I feel right now ..."
He trailed off as he got the last trouser button undone. He slowly slid to his knees as he slid Adrian's trousers down his legs. He rubbed his nose in the dark thatch of hair at Adrian's crotch, kissing it and catching it between his lips to tug lightly.
*
Adrian shivered and closed his eyes as Roger slid down him, taking his trousers along. Every time, every damned time Roger got to him so easily. A shuddery sigh escaped him at Roger's nuzzling... the small tugs... gods. His cock twitched as it filled, got harder...
Like Pavlov's dog to the bell, that was Adrian to Roger. Roger rang and gods yes, Adrian would drool in anticipation of the want that would be fulfilled...the promise...
"Roger..." the name was almost whispered, his fingers sliding into soft hair as he still was too afraid to look, to be lost.
*
Roger ran his thumbs along the crease where leg met hip, back and forth, as he softly kissed the hair and flesh, over and over. Thought was gone. Desire was paramount.
Want... Need.
He needed to feel Adrian's cock hardening against his lips, against the stroke of his tongue. His Adrian.
Mine! Mine godammit!
He curled one hand around the hardening shaft, bringing it to his mouth to kiss and lick and nibble; and sent the other hand roaming up Adrian's abdomen.
*
Adrian shuddered out a moan, his fingers tightening faintly in Roger's hair, then he let go with one hand and put it over Roger's, lacing their fingers. He needed that, the contact, an anchor before he truly lost himself. Because it always felt too good, too much and not enough. It was only this after all. He only had a bit of Roger, could never have it all.
'Never'...lost meaning when they were like this. 'Never' didn't exist and he moaned again, fighting to keep his hips from bucking against Roger.
*
Roger wanted to make this good. Wanted to make this something Adrian would not soon forget. Wanted Adrian to think of this if he got with someone else. Roger, as hard as he possibly could, sucked the head of Adrian's cock into his mouth. Gods the flesh felt heavenly against his lips and then tongue. One hand gripped Adrian's. The other wrapped thumb and three fingers around the base of his cock. He pressed the pinky into Adrian's balls, into the flesh under and behind his balls.
*
Adrian's fingers flexed hard around Roger's, the only way he could somehow get some of all the sensations that attacked him out again. His head tilted back with another, louder moan, his breaths ragged and hitching every time Roger did something, moved, licked, sucked... His other hand caressed Roger's hair, the feel of his hair oddly grounding, fixing this in the reality of Roger sucking him off, driving him mad and he loved it. Roger's name and moans and panted breaths took turn over his lips and it was getting harder not to move against Roger for more.
*
Feel me! Think of me! Want me! Need me! Fight for me dammit... Talk to me.
Roger felt desperate. He couldn't even understand his own feelings, like a madness raging through him, fed by the moans sounded from above, the grip on his hand and in his hair, the reality of Adrian in his mouth. This is how it was supposed to be. He sucked and sucked as though somehow he could suck away every reminder of that man Adrian had been with.
*
Adrian never wanted this to end and held back, fought with his body for control because what Roger was doing arched intense sensations through his body, making his knees weak, making his moans almost whimpered.
He wanted Roger to stop, he wanted him to go on forever. He begged, not knowing what he was asking for. For Roger to continue, for Roger to make him come, for Roger to never go away, for Roger to be his. He wasn't aware of the words, only aware of Roger's mouth and fingers, his touches and the sensations, the feelings they create.
*
Yes! Adrian's moans made Roger delirious.
You're mine dammit! Not his! Not his! Not his!
Roger squeezed and pushed and pulled and sucked, hardly breathing. Struggling to contain the emotional overload crashing through his mind and heart, making his mouth water.
*
For a moment, Adrian squeezed Roger's hand painfully tight as he lost the battle against his body and Roger. He cried out, overwhelmed by ecstasy as his climax simply took control. He wobbled and his hand slid out of Roger' hair onto his shoulder, fingers digging in to keep him upright. Involuntarily, he bucked against Roger, coming and coming, losing and lost in pleasure. Roger's name kept following his panted breaths out of his mouth and he held the hand closely, refusing to let Roger go now. Ever.
*
Yesssss, you bastard! Say my name! Roger thought viciously as he struggled to swallow Adrian's bittersweet come flooding his mouth. Some leaked out and dribbled down his chin. When it stopped he pulled back and gasped hugely for air. He settled back on his haunches. One hand on Adrian's hip, the other still up on his abdomen, supporting Adrian's weight. He looked up at Adrian, still angry, still madly jealous. Still hard as a rock.
*
For a long moment Adrian just breathed, then he finally looked down, all the longing and need he felt right there in his eyes. He hoped Roger would see it, feared it too because it might drive him away
Always away, never stay... rang almost lyrically through his mind.
He swallowed, his mouth dry, as he kept the eye-contact. But as always, his eyes were drawn to Roger's lips as well. So evil, so good and demanding and always out of reach. He could only take what he could and hoped it would be enough for himself.
With a hitched breath, he dropped to his knees, his hand still clenched around Roger's. His free hand moved around to cup the back of Roger's head and he leant in quickly. However, last second his fears caught up and he redirected his mouth, with a low moan he licked Roger's chin, tasting himself as he sucked on the skin.
*
Roger felt embarrassed by the look in Adrian's eyes. So much pain. And all of it caused by him. He didn't want to hurt Adrian, yet he did again and again, every day it seemed. He couldn't help himself. It was torturing them both. He gasped as Adrian came so close to kissing him, but thank god! veered away at the last instant.
Thank god? Don't you want to know that too? What those lips feel like against yours? How Adrian kisses? He kissed that man ...
Drat. He couldn't pull Adrian's trouser up now. What now? Go away. Leave me to my insanity. You've got your sex, now go away. Roger turned his head away. His body pulled back.
You kissed him, didn't you? Some stranger you met at Beaters... and you haven't kissed me.
*
And there it was. Adrian stiffened, cold suddenly, alone. Not even the hand still in his could change that. So he let it go.
He wanted...wanted to push Roger down on the floor and just take him, take it all and make it his. But it could never be his.
His breaths were still faster than normal but all the lingering heat from the afterglow was gone. Should he just go? Should he wait for Roger to tell him to go? He didn't know as he looked down at his hands resting on his bare thighs. He didn't want to go.
"Roger..." what could he say?
*
One small word. ... His own name ... how could one small word shatter his resolve, break down all the walls he kept trying to put up between them? Roger hung his head.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He should just let Adrian go, but he couldn't. He should just accept what Adrian had to give. But he couldn't do that either. Guilt at what he was doing to Adrian gripped him. Shame at his own weakness. And sorrow that it could never be right between them, that they'd lost the easy companionship they once had. He slipped his hands around Adrian's waist and clung as silent sobs shook him. "I'm so sorry, I can't give you what you need," he forced out in a strangled moan.
I'm not good enough for you.
*
Adrian inhaled sharply, for a moment almost pulling away, as Roger's arms went around him and held him so tightly it was almost painful.
There were no second thoughts, no considerations needed as his own arms found their way around Roger. Even as he knew he should be angry, should push Roger away and tell him to get his fucking head set right before he ever touched him again, should leave.
He pressed his face into Roger's hair and just held. He could pretend, couldn't he? He could pretend this was his, his Roger, sorry for hurting him and promising never to do it again.
Adrian didn't say anything, knowing if he did, it would be the wrong thing. Because it wasn't all right, it wasn't okay, he forgave Roger, he always did because he had no choice, but it wasn't okay. Frustration and anger inside him sent more shivers through him
*
He's holding me? Why isn't he slapping me?
Roger raised his head his face found Adrian's neck and automatically he began nuzzling, kissing and licking it. He worked his way over and up to an earlobe, which he sucked into his mouth. The taste of Adrian's skin was like nectar. He couldn't get enough of its sweetness.
*
Adrian was going mad, he knew it as he moaned softly, his entire body going almost instantly warm as Roger's mouth touched him again. And there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. Again Roger touched him, made him feel, lit up that hope. And he knew it would hurt again, no matter how good it felt now. He wasn't strong enough anymore to deal with it as he would've only a short month ago. Roger had taken it all.
With a low sob, he pulled away, instantly swallowing down the painful knot in his throat. he whispered, "I can't, please..." he couldn't. He wanted to, craved it, needed it so much, but it would never stop. And Roger would always pull away again.
*
"All right. Shshshsh, love. It's all right." Roger whispered. He stroked Adrian's face with his fingers and supported him with his other hand. "It's all right. Do you want to go? Do you want to sleep?"
Gods they were a mess. Tears and snot, and come all over. Roger pulled out his wand and started cleaning them up. His brain felt bruised. His eyes and nose were swollen. His chest hurt. It hurt so bad.
*
Adrian shuddered at the word 'love'. Was he that? He didn't feel like it and hearing it from Roger actually hurt. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. He wanted to curl up in a dark corner and close his eyes and when he opened them, Roger would want him back and ... love him. Love Adrian and not just Adrian's body.
And of course Roger would be practical now, as if Adrian cared about any of that. He didn't care about being clean. He looked at Roger's face silently for a long moment, before he replied.
"I want to sleep." He wanted to be held, to pretend while he could.
*
"Yes," Roger whispered, relieved. He thought Adrian was going to leave. He ought to. It would be best for him. But instead he chose to stay. And Roger could hold him all night.
"Good." He rose and pulled Adrian up with him, then quickly helped Adrian out of his clothes and into Roger's bed. He turned his back and doused the torchieres, so Adrian couldn't see his erection. Roger slid in the sheets, into his accustomed position, spooned with his back to Adrian's chest. He pulled Adrian's arm over him and snuggled his arse snugly against Adrian's warmth.
*
Adrian sighed softly as Roger settled against him, all warm and real and close. This was the best, as good as it got for Adrian. Better than any of the more physical stuff they did. Far better, oddly enough.
So now he just wallowed, inhaling Roger's scent, his fingers unable to stay still on Roger's chest. His mind didn't shut up though and he knew Roger was still aroused. He still remembered how hard the man had been and didn't expect that had changed.
He was reluctant to change the mood of just breathing and sensing. But he couldn't help himself as he kissed Roger's neck. It was irresistible, just as his hand moving slowly down Roger's abdomen. He couldn't do this any longer, and yet he wanted it, needed it. He really was going mad. Even as his fingertips teased Roger's skin on their way down.
*
Roger shivered slightly as Adrian's warm lips kissed his neck. He shuddered at the feel of warm fingers tracing their way down his front. He trapped them with his own hand, and interlaced their fingers. Adrian had said he couldn't do this. He didn't have to.
Roger brought their clasped hands to his mouth and kissed Adrian's knuckles one by one. It was enough. Just being with Adrian was enough, touching, resting together. Roger had done enough damage for one night. He wanted a measure of peace between them. It was oddly reassuring to have the truth out in the open between them, albeit a harsh and unpleasant truth - that Adrian liked going out and picking up strangers. But Roger wanted Adrian to be able to be open about it with him. He needed to know.
And Adrian needed to rest. Roger felt a smug smile curve his lips. Adrian slept like a baby in his bed ... in his arms.
*
When Roger's hand intercepted his and captured it, Adrian closed his eyes. He wasn't sure why Roger did it and inhaled sharply as he felt those soft lips against his fingers.
If only...
He kissed Roger's neck again, small kisses up to his ear. Why was he so helpless against this? Why did he want so much? Want it so much that he always forgot the pain? He didn't know as he whispered against Roger's ear "I want to touch you..." And Gods, he wanted to. No matter that he couldn't do this any longer, because the want was always stronger than he would ever be.
*
Roger sighed in defeat even as his body pushed back against Adrian's. He had no defense against what Adrian wanted... since it was so much in agreement with his own body's wants. He loosened his grip on Adrian's hand. He wanted it so bad, so much. He shivered in anticipation as those strong skillful fingers once more wandered down across his body. He sent his leg back, over Adrian's bent legs.
"Yes ...please ..."
*
Adrian moaned as Roger moved back against him and he could feel his cock stirring slightly as it was pressed against Roger's arse, fitting so perfectly. He stroked down over Roger's lean and strong body, his breaths hot against Roger's ear and cheek. He indulged himself a bit, not going directly for Roger's cock, instead moving his fingers up over the inside of the leg slung over his own. A few slow caresses, pulling the leg slightly further back, pulling Roger closer, always closer, never enough.
He pressed his slowly hardening cock against Roger's arse in one slow grind as his hand finally found its way back to Roger's groin. So hard, for him, only for him.
Mine, my Roger! his mind thought fiercely as he ran his fingers down Roger's cock, then curled his hand around it and squeezed.
*
"...yes... Adrian ... touch me ..." Roger begged, rapidly going mindless at the sensations of Adrian pressing close, stroking him, touching him. The feel of Adrian's cock pressing into the crease of his arse had him gasping for breath. So stimulating, so thrilling. There was nothing like it, nothing like Adrian wanting him, Adrian pulling his legs open, Adrian gripping his cock.
"Yes! Gods!" He slowly rocked his hips ... into Adrian's fist ... and then back against Adrian's hardening cock. The touch of Adrian, all over his body, sent him up, beyond, ... and it was all right, because it was in the dark, and Roger could just surrender to the desires of his own body without thinking ... about anything at all. He felt Adrian all over. And his heart, like his body, knew that Adrian was all he ever wanted.
*
Adrian licked Roger's neck and suckled on the skin, moaning very softly with almost every exhalation at the sensations Roger's movements created. "So beautiful..." he whispered, unable to see Roger with his eyes, but his fingers and his body told him the truth.
He started stroking Roger's cock in tune with his slow almost lazy movements against Roger's arse. His fingers were a firm ring about the hard erection, pulling and pushing the foreskin up over the head and down the straining shaft again and again, using his thumb to tease the head and the ridge below, smearing the leaking pre-come to ease the friction.
His other arm snaked beneath Roger, under the pit of his arm, to fold around his chest, holding him even closer. "My Roger..." The words were almost inaudible against Roger's neck, even as his mind yelled them out.
*
His body sang from Adrian's touch, playing him, like an instrument, wringing every beautiful note from him, in perfect pitch and tune.
"Gods! Adrian!" The words were wrenched from him as electric thrills sparked out from his center to tingle his entire body. Above and beyond reason and intellect Roger was at peace with himself ... with Adrian...
"Love you ..." he cried. "Gods, but I love you." His voice shook with emotion and lust.
"Love you," he whispered as it became a contest between which way he thrust harder; forward into Adrian's fist, or backward, against Adrian's cock.
*
Adrian's eyes closed even tighter at those words. His entire being thrilled
with them, a wave of warmth washing over him, almost making him forget what he was doing.
Roger loved him... he could hear it in the voice and feel it in the moves, the need.
Only in the dark...
He refused to think about that Roger would never say that in the light of day. Never when his mind started thinking and not just feeling. Never. But he had told himself to take what he could, and he took this too, deep into his heart where an answering emotion cried out with pain and joy.
His body met Roger's moves, lust and heat between them. His strokes became faster, firmer, more demanding as he was pushed closer. He loved... Circe, he did. Loved Roger. but he was so afraid to say it. Afraid of the final rejection.
*
Roger's hands had found their way behind him, one on Adrian's hip, one on his neck, both pulling them closer.
Oh gods yes tighter harder fuck Adrian! the voice screamed in his mind, but externally Roger was only capable of weak desperate moans.
It felt so good, so very very good, Adrian touching him, pulling on his cock, rocking their bodies together. If sex was what Adrian wanted, sex is what he would get. Roger wanted to make him come all night, to come with him, to come together ... coming now oooohhh ...
*
Roger's cock grew slightly more against the palm of his hand and Adrian could feel him tense up. He was so close himself, so fast driven into intense pleasure by those words.
When Roger came, Adrian moaned against the skin, kissing over and over, wishing it was Roger's lips, wishing he dared return those words. He kept stroking, gentler and slower, trying to prolong Roger's pleasure, his own mounting, more moans spilling over his lips, his breaths irregular and panted.
Until he was lost against Roger, thrusting once more against him, shivers going through his body. He groaned and almost said it, the words nearly escaping as his mind could only focus on Roger and ecstasy. "Gods, Roger. My Roger. I l..." But he caught it with a startled gasp and instead continued the soft murmur with Roger's name.
*
Roger gasped as his body jerked and came. His orgasm was powerful and prolonged. And utterly wonderful, warm, wet, and sticky. Sex filled the air. He felt decadent as Adrian milked the last drops of pleasure from him. He clung tightly, even though the position was getting awkward and a bit difficult, he loved the feeling of Adrian glued to his back.
He wanted to roll over in his arms and kiss him, taste his tongue, feel it in his mouth, and that lower lip ... but that's what lovers did ... what people who wanted a relationship did.
Oh shut up! Roger told his exhausted mind before it could get started. He felt good right now and he that's all that mattered.
*
Adrian loved how Roger held him tight and close, as if he never wanted him to leave.
You should...
He hated that voice though. Hated that he knew he was a fool for hoping.
But he said he loved me.
In the dark.
Adrian stopped stroking, still panting for breath, and instead caressed Roger's stomach lightly, trailing his fingers through the cooling liquid there, placing more light kisses on his neck and jaw. There was nothing but warmth inside Adrian at the moment and Roger in his arms.
*
As Adrian released him, Roger let go with his hand but pushed his body back so he was more or less sprawled over Adrian, and both were on their backs. He marveled that Adrian came just from rubbing against him. Once again he caught the hand stroking his belly and brought it to his lips. This time he could taste himself on it.
He panted, his mind blown away by the exchange of energy, and lust, and passion. "I've changed my mind," he croaked. "I'm not done with you just yet." No, he couldn't stand the thought of letting Adrian go, to go out and find someone ... no, he wouldn't stand for that. He reveled in the feel of sticky come on his stomach and between his legs. It felt decadent and dirty, and real.
*
Adrian just breathed for long moments, unable to put words to his feelings as he held Roger, both arms around him. The weight of Roger was so incredibly good.
He would rather be facing the man, but he could feel him and actually didn't know if he would be able to face him even in the dark.
His fingers tightened around Roger's as he finally spoke, his voice low "Good...I'm not done with you either." It wasn't what he wanted to say
I'll never leave
he couldn't ever
I love you
but if he said that, it would be real and Roger only wanted the dream in the night.
*
Roger relaxed that last little bit, at Adrian's words. Thank god, no demands. "Fucking perfect," he mumbled. He kissed each of Adrian's knuckles interlaced with his own, muttering "love you... love you ..." between each one. Low enough that Adrian couldn't hear it ... he hoped.
Adrian would never understand ... hell, Roger couldn't under stand it himself. How easy it was to love Adrian ... and yet not be in love with him, to hold himself apart.
Shut up!
Gods, he so desperately did not want to think right now. To face what he'd just done to Adrian, after telling him to get lost ... practically tripping him and forcing him. With a low sad moan he rolled over and slid his arms underneath Adrian's body so that he could hold him tight, breathe in nothing but the scent of his body, nuzzle his neck, reach out his tongue and taste his sweat.
*
It wasn't perfect but it was as close as it could get, Roger curled around him, so bloody close Adrian almost couldn't breathe. He nuzzled back, burying his face in Roger's hair and almost clung, knowing how desperate any words would be, if he should talk. So he was quiet and tried to relax.
He didn't want to sleep, because sleeping would mean morning came faster and then light and then this would be gone.
He didn't understand Roger. How he could be like this?
How can he hurt me again and again, if he loves me?
But Adrian also knew that it was true. Roger wouldn't lie. So, there was only this and madness or nothing and emptiness. He would always choose madness, always Roger. He kissed Roger's hair, forcing himself to relax, to stroke Roger's back.
*
Say something Adrian! Roger railed mentally. What are you thinking, feeling? Have I made it worse, or better? Talk to me, you silent stoic fucking Slytherin. How do I drag it out of you?
How could it feel so good on the outside, and hurt so much on the inside? Roger felt like his physical desire, no, ... need, um ...addiction? compulsion? whatever the fuck it was that was going on with Adrian, it was skinning him alive inside.
He pulled up and away on his hands and knees over Adrian, but his lips remained on his neck kissing and licking. Sowly delicately, relishing the taste and feel of Adrian's skin, he slowly made his way down to Adrian's left nipple. He stroked the hard little pebble with the flat of his tongue. He breathed against it. He kissed it. And then, he sucked on it.
*
Adrian shuddered out a moan, Roger's touches so sweet against him, his lips, kissing his body like they never would his lips. "Please..." he whispered, his hands cupping Roger's head lightly, just touching, fingers buried in the hair.
A strong flashback made him jerk lightly as Roger's tongue teased his nipple. Once more it was that morning, so good and so right for long wonderful moments where he had dared believe, not knowing better. It didn't make a difference though, but it suddenly had him longing for ignorance, for the pleasure of not knowing what would come after.
Again his breathing grew faster at the sensations and he moaned, but... "Want to feel you... want to..." his voice was low and stifled emotions made it wavery
love you, be with you, have you as mine, please let me...
"Please"
*
"Yes, " Roger murmured as he kissed his way over to Adrian's right nipple. "Anything, love."
He lowered his hips until they were resting across Adrian's thighs. Feel that! Then he lavished the same sort of attention on this nipple.
He licked and kissed at the little nipple marveling how it felt so similar to a clitoris against his tongue, and the way Adrian moved and moaned, and begged.
Yes! You feel this! Feel me!
Gods, when he begged like that Roger felt delirious and wanted to give him anything in the world ... Including your heart? Roger let his body move down another few inches. He drew his tongue along the line of the bottom of Adrian's pectoral muscle. He let one hand rise to cup Adrian's face. He kissed across Adrian's flat belly.
*
Adrian's muscles twitched lightly at the teasing kisses and gods, it felt so good. It always did. He reached out and took Roger's hand and kissed the palm of it repeatedly, murmuring against it, continuing the pleas, telling Roger how good it felt, saying his name. His other hand caressed Roger's cheek, his ear, his hair, all he could touch. He never wanted it to end.
*
Roger smiled with wicked satisfaction as Adrian turned to pliant jelly beneath him. "Yes, Adrian, yes," he murmured.He loved hearing his name on Adrian's lips. Loved it!
He dragged the index finger of his free hand in slow circles over Adrian's hip and down his leg, teasing and coaxing that leg to open, to spread. His tongue reached his navel, he licked at it repeatedly dipping his tongue in like a cat licking up cream.
Then he began a trail of hickies. Just under the navel, he fastened his lips to Adrian's skin and sucked as hard as he could for about a minute then, relaxed a moment and moved down about an inch before fastening his lips again, and again sucking for all he was worth.
*
Adrian sucked in a deep breath at the first sensation of hard suction. He moaned loudly, arching lightly against Roger's mouth. It hurt slightly but it felt fantastic, sending arrows of heat straight to his cock.
Gods, what was Roger doing! "Roger!" he groaned, feeling himself go almost boneless, as if Roger sucked all strength out of him. He tried to shower some of the same attention on Roger's hand, the only thing he could really reach, kissing it, licking up the fingers, sucking them.