[fic]: narrow road to far province - part 4b (ryo/shige)
Title: Narrow Road To Far Province
Written: 020209
Summary: Shige's journey from where he was, to where he is, and of the person who accompanied him along the way. Ryo/Shige :p
Chapter: Part 4b. WC: 2510.
Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment.
Notes: Translation of the lyrics at the end of the chapter by
debbie_chan.
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4a
The other day, I was clearing out some of the old books from my shelves to make space for the new university textbooks that will become my constant companions in the next few years, and I discovered amongst them an illustrated book about ancient Greek myths I had asked my parents to get for me when I was a child. Back then I was fascinated with the mythic figures and the heroic battles they fought to defend their kingdoms, their adventures unfolding larger than life, and these were the stories I remembered.
But amidst these tales of glory there was a short story of a woman called Pandora, created by the gods to be the first woman on Earth. She arrived with a box that she was ordered not to open under any circumstances, but she did not heed this warning, her curious nature impelling her to open it and see what was inside.
With the opening of the box came the release of all the world's evils and sins, which having escaped, spread to the ends of the Earth.
Years ago, I came across an English idiom that says 'ignorance is bliss'. I thought it was a silly phrase: there's so much to learn and know about the world we live in, the knowledge that we accumulate makes us wiser and enriches us - how can it be that the path to happiness is to be ignorant of anything?
Not long after that, during a conversation with some of my friends from school, one of them off-handedly made a comment about another mutual acquaintance which was not very flattering. And ever since, whenever I see this person, I will think of what has been said about him. Try as I might not to, I see him in a different light now because of the additional knowledge I received about him. No matter how hard I try, I cannot unknow it.
If I had not had that conversation, I would still be living in blissful ignorance. If Pandora had not opened that box, would we all still be living in Paradise?
*
“What are you writing?”
“Shit!” Shige's hand jerks and the word he was in the middle of writing devolves into a spasmodic line as someone suddenly rests his chin upon Shige's shoulder. Intent on his inner thoughts, he hasn't noticed Nishikido-kun's approach until the other boy has stopped behind him on the couch, leaning against the backrest to get a better view of the focus of Shige's attention.
Shrugging Nishikido-kun off, Shige swiftly slams shut his notebook, desperately trying and failing to calm down enough that so the blush he knows is suffusing his cheeks will fade. “Nothing much, just something Fuku-chan thought I could try for Myojo.”
“Oh?” Nishikido-kun raises a curious eyebrow.
“He read something I wrote a while back and thought it was pretty good, and he reckons it might make a nice addition to what we already feature in the magazine.” Shige would have elaborated that the first essay is most likely already going into print even as they are speaking, but he's too busy getting his racing heart to slow down from the shock of Nishikido-kun's sudden proximity.
Surreptitiously, he tries to inch away, frowning as he realises it's not so much the suddenness as much as Nishikido-kun's nearness that's making him flustered.
It preoccupies him for most of the trip to Studio Alta in Shinjuku for the Waratte Iitomo filming, keeping him quiet and generally not as responsive to the random jibes that Nishikido-kun has taken to favouring him with. After a while, Nishikido-kun subsides, seeming a little put out by the lack of attention. Absently, Shige foresees he'll be on the receiving end of the Nishikido Attitude later, because the other man can be childish like that, and what worries Shige is that he really doesn't seem to mind at all.
Shige stays distracted even as they clamber out of the van once they reach the studios, and completely misses the way Nishikido-kun eyes him with concern as they go their separate ways to meet their respective cast members.
*
Things start going off the rails a bit after Shige tells the rest of his group about his acceptance into Aoyama's Law faculty, and when the decision for him to be cast in a supporting role in Goro-san's upcoming drama is announced, the feeling of weirdness intensifies.
“Aah~, turns out you're really a prodigy, ne?” Ryo chirps from where he's stretched out sideways on the couch, propping his head up with his left palm.
“Why are you speaking in that cute tone of voice?” Shige retorts, deftly dodging the implied insult, and Yamashita-kun also joins in, chorusing, “Ryo-chan, ne, Ryo-chan, why are you acting cute?”
Nishikido-kun protests amidst general laughter, growling that no, he's not acting cute and to stop saying such untrue things, but he's grinning widely as he speaks, merriment lighting up his eyes and Shige's heart skips when he discovers that he's really finding Nishikido-kun quite cute after all.
When Johnny-san summons Shige to his office and informs him, “YOU, go act in Goro's new drama,” Shige's excited at the unexpected prospect and a little shocked when the first thought that crosses his mind as he exits Johnny-san's office is, 'I have to tell Nishikido-kun and Koyama right away.'
He ponders it all the way back to the dressing room, why Nishikido-kun not only automatically makes it to the forefront of his mind at a time like this, and also that his name comes before Koyama's. The thought of it all makes him slightly uneasy.
After that, Shige starts noticing more and more things, a streaming trickle of incidents, occasions, uncalled-for jolts of emotions and tension that seem to go from strength to strength, snowballing into an avalanche until it becomes impossible for Shige to ignore that something is going wrong with him whenever Nishikido-kun is involved.
Like how it bugs Shige more than it should when he realises he doesn't even have Nishikido-kun's phone number or email, even though it isn't really anything out of the ordinary, since their relationship thus far could be described more as that of colleagues than friends.
After getting the number from Koyama, Shige hesitates at least five times before sending the first mail to Nishikido-kun, and later spends a torturous three hours pretending to not to pay attention to his phone until Nishikido-kun's reply materialises in his inbox. He also feels inexplicably consoled when Yamashita-kun tells him that the three-hour time lag is already swift, by Nishikido-kun's standards.
The hyper-awareness of the other man has returned, the one Shige used to have when NewS first formed, that made him tread gingerly around Nishikido-kun, tentative and careful of his presence, almost unconsciously positioning himself in such a manner that Nishikido-kun would be visible, be it only from the corner of his eye, being always alert to Nishikido-kun's actions and mood changes. But Shige's no longer very much cowed by the notion of working with his senpai, and Nishikido-kun's 'poison tongue' seems to have gone into semi-hibernation these days, so there's really not much reason for Shige to be suffering a relapse.
A couple of days may go by, busy days filled back to back with his new university classes and preparation for the drama filming, and Shige feels fairly normal again. His schedule has actually become more hectic than it was before, although he understands it's only temporary. Still, with the single promotions and the concert tour added to school and the drama, and his extra assignment for Myojo to top it all off, Shige occasionally catches himself looking forward to May, then feels guilty for thinking it.
He only gets to see Nishikido-kun during the tour dates itself now, and each encounter leaves him increasingly confused as to whether it makes him happy or gut-churningly uncomfortable. Sometimes, Shige has to admit, it turns out to be both.
Once in a while, when Shige has to return to the jimusho building to settle some paperwork or meet their manager, Fuku-chan, he passes by the stairwell leading to the roof, and a wave of nostalgia sweeps over him, a vaguely aching sense of hollowness left in its wake. They lasted barely a month, those rooftop breaks, but he misses them more than he considers reasonable, a time and place where the boundaries of senpai-kouhai, of colleagues, that divide him and Nishikido-kun became fluid, permeable, so easily traversed with a single touch, a simple look.
It may have been easier to dismiss if Shige can convince himself it's all in his own head, but he has this nagging feeling that perhaps, just maybe possibly perhaps, something is a little off with Nishikido-kun too.
In the dressing rooms, during the lull between getting their hair styled and putting on their layered costumes, Shige sometimes senses eyes upon him, but he'll turn around and it's just Nishikido-kun dozing off on Yamashita-kun's shoulder, or he'll look up only to see Tegoshi jokingly plopping himself onto Nishikido-kun's lap. Shige ends up returning to whatever he's doing, faintly disappointed.
Shige tells himself he's getting carried away with his overactive imagination, that this unproductive and unnecessary speculation will only come back to bite him in the end, but then he'll glance up in the middle of shedding the make-up coating his face and find himself meeting Nishikido-kun's eyes in the mirror, before Nishikido-kun quickly averts his gaze, breaking the contact.
Shige always gets the urge to say something, maybe crack a joke to dispel the awkwardness that inevitably follows, but the words die in the back of his throat because he isn't sure that he still has the right - he can't tell if Nishikido-kun also feels they've gotten closer like Shige wants to believe they did.
Intermittent reinforcement, Tegoshi recites one day, reading off his online lecture notes, is the most effective kind of reinforcement, because behaviours are learned rapidly and its effects are longer-lasting than if you have no reinforcement at all. Shige thinks though, viewed another way, this form of reinforcement may just be the worst kind.
At random moments when Shige's willing to be completely honest with himself, he has a fair idea what may be happening, but until he's sure, of himself and of Nishikido-kun, he's not going to risk putting a name to anything. Because then it takes actual form and becomes real, develops its own expectations and rules, opening up even more possibilities and avenues that are currently too scary to contemplate.
Right now, Shige prefers to tread in the shallows where it's safe, until he can observe further and gather more details to support his non-hypothesis, until it's suddenly the last day of April and the imminent start of NewS' suspension, and there's only Nishikido-kun and him left in the dressing room of a stadium in Sendai.
It's irrational, but Shige can't shake the feeling that it could be the last time he gets to share a space with Nishikido-kun like this, finds himself unable to deny the finality in what he sees taking place before him. It feels like the ground is falling away from him when he considers tomorrow.
The sense of abandonment and impending loss whirls and mixes in Shige's head with the jumbled thoughts of is he isn't he and NOT ANYMORE and it all crystallises in a blinding flash of recklessness that pushes forth words from him before he can stop himself.
“I like you.”
Shige confesses to Nishikido-kun on the final day of their tour, minutes away from the official start of their hiatus.
The three words keep looping in Shige's mind, all the way through his muddled explanations and rationalisations and he begins to doubt he'll ever attain a law degree if this is how he's going to construct his arguments.
The words continue to echo even as Nishikido-kun's hand on Shige's shoulder stops him from leaving and turns him back around to face the other man. Raising his eyes to meet Nishikido-kun's feels like the hardest thing Shige's ever done.
Nishikido-kun's brow is still creased in a tiny frown, but there's something soft in his expression, a little bit of wonder in the way he's looking at Shige, like he's really getting to see Shige for the first time. Shige's shoulder is beginning to hurt from Nishikido-kun's fingers digging into his flesh, but Shige also feels how they're trembling minutely, and so he doesn't say anything, doesn't even dare to move an inch as Nishikido-kun slowly shuffles nearer.
They've been close like this before, three years of photoshoots and touring and television shows wear these physical boundaries thin, but that has always been work, for the benefit of the fans and audience, and now, this intimacy, the gradual subtraction of the distance between them, leaves Shige's mind blank, because there's no script, no longer any instructions telling him what's the next thing he has to do.
Shige's never noticed how much taller he is compared to Nishikido-kun until their bodies are suddenly pressed against each other's. Nishikido-kun's arms slide around his waist, his hands clutching the back of Shige's jacket, and Shige's bag drops to the ground as his grip upon it loosens at the sensation of Nishikido-kun's hot breath against the side of his neck.
Tentatively, one of Shige's hands move up to hold onto Nishikido-kun's sleeve and he practically stops breathing when Nishikido-kun whispers, “Shige,” each puff of breath that accompanies the syllables sending a slight shiver down Shige's spine.
In the months to come, Shige will remember this as the moment when he felt immeasurably happy and calm and safe. Maybe it felt so perfect because in that instant, there was as yet no thought of before and after - there was only the present, of being in that moment.
Nishikido-kun's arms are tightening around Shige when Shige's phone starts buzzing in his pocket and they break apart abruptly. Fumbling out the phone, Shige sees that it's Koyama and answers the call in what he fervently hopes is a steady voice. By the time he ends the call, Nishikido-kun has collected his bag and rejoined him by the door.
“It's, uh, Koyama. He says to hurry because the bus is going to leave,” Shige says, marvelling at how mundane it all sounds.
Nishikido-kun nods and they leave the dressing room, shutting the door behind them.
As they walk down the corridor to the lobby, Shige will also recall already missing that instant of utopia he'd just tasted. He will remember the damp warmth of Nishikido-kun's palm shifting against his own, and Nishikido-kun's lips curved in a tiny, secret smile.
カーテンはゆらゆら踊り
The curtain sways softly,
時折 隙間から朝日を覗かせ
Every now and then, the morning sun peeking through the opening.
僕はずっと寝転がってた
I lay about, hour by hour.
放っておいた 付けっ放しのTVは
The TV I forgot to turn off,
サッカー中継から モンタージュ写真に 変わってる
Changed from a soccer broadcast to a montage picture.
優しく残酷に 太陽は浮き沈み
Softly and cruelly, the sun rises and falls.
描いていた筈の未来が ここには無くて
The future that I had pictured could not be found here.
もう何もかもを見失い
[And] I lost sight of everything,
目指していた筈の 理想の僕さえ
Even the ideal self that I had aimed for,
忘れて 焦って 迷って
Forgetting, feeling pressed and hesitating.
今日も日が沈む
Today as well, the sun goes down.
不安定なこの街では 躓けば
In this city that lacks stability, if I were to stumble,
踏み潰されるような気がして
I felt like I was going to get trampled on.
シガミつける物を探してた
I was searching for something to hold on to.
世間体ばっか気になって
Worrying only about my public image,
アスファルトに映る影 見つめてた
I stared at the shadows reflecting on the asphalt,
右左微妙なバランス保ったまま
While preserving the delicate balance between right and left.
ショーウインドーに映る僕
My reflection on the show-window
道化師みたいに泣き笑い
Smiling through my tears, like a clown.
叫んでも歌っても
Even if I cry-out or sing,
誰にも響かない 気がして
I felt like it wouldn't reach anyone's ears.
声と共に夢も 擦れていくよ
My dreams, along with my voice are fading.
又今日も 誰かのせいにして 行くのかなぁ
Today as well, will I go on blaming things on everyone?
疑って 自分見失って明日も続くのかな
Will I continue being suspicious and losing sight of myself?
何かに頼っていたくて
I wanted to lean on something.
その何かをずっと探して
[And] I kept on searching for that certain something.
描いていた筈の未来が 何処にも無くて
The future that I had pictured could not be found anywhere.
もう全てを見失いそう
I'm on the verge of losing sight of everything.
傷ついて
I get hurt,
何を塗っても 癒える訳無くて
But nothing I smear on can heal the pain.
治り掛けても 又掻きむしって
Even if I start to recover, I end up scratching it again.
血と涙溢れるだけ
Blood and tears just overflow.
叫んでも歌っても
Even if I cry-out or sing,
誰にも響かないとしても
And even if no one hears me,
君の為に 諦めたりしないから
For you, I will not give up.
『未完成』
"Unfinished"
そのくらいが丁度良いんだよ
That's just right.
その秘めた可能性は
The rest of your hidden potentials,
徐々に 組み立てていけばいい
Build it up gradually.
僕には何かが欠けてるさ
I am lacking something.
ただ足りない ピースを探して
I'm just searching for the missing piece.
もうすぐ月が照らすよ
Soon, the moon will shine.
目の前はキラキラ光る 星の夜
Before us is a night full of sparkling stars.
ほらあそこでも 何かが光った
See, there is also something shining over there.
今度は握りしめよう
I'm going to grab hold of it this time.
owari
A/N: i hope it din't seem too piecemeal, and thanks for reading so far :) comments are always greatly appreciated ^_^
Written: 020209
Summary: Shige's journey from where he was, to where he is, and of the person who accompanied him along the way. Ryo/Shige :p
Chapter: Part 4b. WC: 2510.
Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment.
Notes: Translation of the lyrics at the end of the chapter by
debbie_chan.
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4a
The other day, I was clearing out some of the old books from my shelves to make space for the new university textbooks that will become my constant companions in the next few years, and I discovered amongst them an illustrated book about ancient Greek myths I had asked my parents to get for me when I was a child. Back then I was fascinated with the mythic figures and the heroic battles they fought to defend their kingdoms, their adventures unfolding larger than life, and these were the stories I remembered.
But amidst these tales of glory there was a short story of a woman called Pandora, created by the gods to be the first woman on Earth. She arrived with a box that she was ordered not to open under any circumstances, but she did not heed this warning, her curious nature impelling her to open it and see what was inside.
With the opening of the box came the release of all the world's evils and sins, which having escaped, spread to the ends of the Earth.
Years ago, I came across an English idiom that says 'ignorance is bliss'. I thought it was a silly phrase: there's so much to learn and know about the world we live in, the knowledge that we accumulate makes us wiser and enriches us - how can it be that the path to happiness is to be ignorant of anything?
Not long after that, during a conversation with some of my friends from school, one of them off-handedly made a comment about another mutual acquaintance which was not very flattering. And ever since, whenever I see this person, I will think of what has been said about him. Try as I might not to, I see him in a different light now because of the additional knowledge I received about him. No matter how hard I try, I cannot unknow it.
If I had not had that conversation, I would still be living in blissful ignorance. If Pandora had not opened that box, would we all still be living in Paradise?
*
“What are you writing?”
“Shit!” Shige's hand jerks and the word he was in the middle of writing devolves into a spasmodic line as someone suddenly rests his chin upon Shige's shoulder. Intent on his inner thoughts, he hasn't noticed Nishikido-kun's approach until the other boy has stopped behind him on the couch, leaning against the backrest to get a better view of the focus of Shige's attention.
Shrugging Nishikido-kun off, Shige swiftly slams shut his notebook, desperately trying and failing to calm down enough that so the blush he knows is suffusing his cheeks will fade. “Nothing much, just something Fuku-chan thought I could try for Myojo.”
“Oh?” Nishikido-kun raises a curious eyebrow.
“He read something I wrote a while back and thought it was pretty good, and he reckons it might make a nice addition to what we already feature in the magazine.” Shige would have elaborated that the first essay is most likely already going into print even as they are speaking, but he's too busy getting his racing heart to slow down from the shock of Nishikido-kun's sudden proximity.
Surreptitiously, he tries to inch away, frowning as he realises it's not so much the suddenness as much as Nishikido-kun's nearness that's making him flustered.
It preoccupies him for most of the trip to Studio Alta in Shinjuku for the Waratte Iitomo filming, keeping him quiet and generally not as responsive to the random jibes that Nishikido-kun has taken to favouring him with. After a while, Nishikido-kun subsides, seeming a little put out by the lack of attention. Absently, Shige foresees he'll be on the receiving end of the Nishikido Attitude later, because the other man can be childish like that, and what worries Shige is that he really doesn't seem to mind at all.
Shige stays distracted even as they clamber out of the van once they reach the studios, and completely misses the way Nishikido-kun eyes him with concern as they go their separate ways to meet their respective cast members.
*
Things start going off the rails a bit after Shige tells the rest of his group about his acceptance into Aoyama's Law faculty, and when the decision for him to be cast in a supporting role in Goro-san's upcoming drama is announced, the feeling of weirdness intensifies.
“Aah~, turns out you're really a prodigy, ne?” Ryo chirps from where he's stretched out sideways on the couch, propping his head up with his left palm.
“Why are you speaking in that cute tone of voice?” Shige retorts, deftly dodging the implied insult, and Yamashita-kun also joins in, chorusing, “Ryo-chan, ne, Ryo-chan, why are you acting cute?”
Nishikido-kun protests amidst general laughter, growling that no, he's not acting cute and to stop saying such untrue things, but he's grinning widely as he speaks, merriment lighting up his eyes and Shige's heart skips when he discovers that he's really finding Nishikido-kun quite cute after all.
When Johnny-san summons Shige to his office and informs him, “YOU, go act in Goro's new drama,” Shige's excited at the unexpected prospect and a little shocked when the first thought that crosses his mind as he exits Johnny-san's office is, 'I have to tell Nishikido-kun and Koyama right away.'
He ponders it all the way back to the dressing room, why Nishikido-kun not only automatically makes it to the forefront of his mind at a time like this, and also that his name comes before Koyama's. The thought of it all makes him slightly uneasy.
After that, Shige starts noticing more and more things, a streaming trickle of incidents, occasions, uncalled-for jolts of emotions and tension that seem to go from strength to strength, snowballing into an avalanche until it becomes impossible for Shige to ignore that something is going wrong with him whenever Nishikido-kun is involved.
Like how it bugs Shige more than it should when he realises he doesn't even have Nishikido-kun's phone number or email, even though it isn't really anything out of the ordinary, since their relationship thus far could be described more as that of colleagues than friends.
After getting the number from Koyama, Shige hesitates at least five times before sending the first mail to Nishikido-kun, and later spends a torturous three hours pretending to not to pay attention to his phone until Nishikido-kun's reply materialises in his inbox. He also feels inexplicably consoled when Yamashita-kun tells him that the three-hour time lag is already swift, by Nishikido-kun's standards.
The hyper-awareness of the other man has returned, the one Shige used to have when NewS first formed, that made him tread gingerly around Nishikido-kun, tentative and careful of his presence, almost unconsciously positioning himself in such a manner that Nishikido-kun would be visible, be it only from the corner of his eye, being always alert to Nishikido-kun's actions and mood changes. But Shige's no longer very much cowed by the notion of working with his senpai, and Nishikido-kun's 'poison tongue' seems to have gone into semi-hibernation these days, so there's really not much reason for Shige to be suffering a relapse.
A couple of days may go by, busy days filled back to back with his new university classes and preparation for the drama filming, and Shige feels fairly normal again. His schedule has actually become more hectic than it was before, although he understands it's only temporary. Still, with the single promotions and the concert tour added to school and the drama, and his extra assignment for Myojo to top it all off, Shige occasionally catches himself looking forward to May, then feels guilty for thinking it.
He only gets to see Nishikido-kun during the tour dates itself now, and each encounter leaves him increasingly confused as to whether it makes him happy or gut-churningly uncomfortable. Sometimes, Shige has to admit, it turns out to be both.
Once in a while, when Shige has to return to the jimusho building to settle some paperwork or meet their manager, Fuku-chan, he passes by the stairwell leading to the roof, and a wave of nostalgia sweeps over him, a vaguely aching sense of hollowness left in its wake. They lasted barely a month, those rooftop breaks, but he misses them more than he considers reasonable, a time and place where the boundaries of senpai-kouhai, of colleagues, that divide him and Nishikido-kun became fluid, permeable, so easily traversed with a single touch, a simple look.
It may have been easier to dismiss if Shige can convince himself it's all in his own head, but he has this nagging feeling that perhaps, just maybe possibly perhaps, something is a little off with Nishikido-kun too.
In the dressing rooms, during the lull between getting their hair styled and putting on their layered costumes, Shige sometimes senses eyes upon him, but he'll turn around and it's just Nishikido-kun dozing off on Yamashita-kun's shoulder, or he'll look up only to see Tegoshi jokingly plopping himself onto Nishikido-kun's lap. Shige ends up returning to whatever he's doing, faintly disappointed.
Shige tells himself he's getting carried away with his overactive imagination, that this unproductive and unnecessary speculation will only come back to bite him in the end, but then he'll glance up in the middle of shedding the make-up coating his face and find himself meeting Nishikido-kun's eyes in the mirror, before Nishikido-kun quickly averts his gaze, breaking the contact.
Shige always gets the urge to say something, maybe crack a joke to dispel the awkwardness that inevitably follows, but the words die in the back of his throat because he isn't sure that he still has the right - he can't tell if Nishikido-kun also feels they've gotten closer like Shige wants to believe they did.
Intermittent reinforcement, Tegoshi recites one day, reading off his online lecture notes, is the most effective kind of reinforcement, because behaviours are learned rapidly and its effects are longer-lasting than if you have no reinforcement at all. Shige thinks though, viewed another way, this form of reinforcement may just be the worst kind.
At random moments when Shige's willing to be completely honest with himself, he has a fair idea what may be happening, but until he's sure, of himself and of Nishikido-kun, he's not going to risk putting a name to anything. Because then it takes actual form and becomes real, develops its own expectations and rules, opening up even more possibilities and avenues that are currently too scary to contemplate.
Right now, Shige prefers to tread in the shallows where it's safe, until he can observe further and gather more details to support his non-hypothesis, until it's suddenly the last day of April and the imminent start of NewS' suspension, and there's only Nishikido-kun and him left in the dressing room of a stadium in Sendai.
It's irrational, but Shige can't shake the feeling that it could be the last time he gets to share a space with Nishikido-kun like this, finds himself unable to deny the finality in what he sees taking place before him. It feels like the ground is falling away from him when he considers tomorrow.
The sense of abandonment and impending loss whirls and mixes in Shige's head with the jumbled thoughts of is he isn't he and NOT ANYMORE and it all crystallises in a blinding flash of recklessness that pushes forth words from him before he can stop himself.
“I like you.”
Shige confesses to Nishikido-kun on the final day of their tour, minutes away from the official start of their hiatus.
The three words keep looping in Shige's mind, all the way through his muddled explanations and rationalisations and he begins to doubt he'll ever attain a law degree if this is how he's going to construct his arguments.
The words continue to echo even as Nishikido-kun's hand on Shige's shoulder stops him from leaving and turns him back around to face the other man. Raising his eyes to meet Nishikido-kun's feels like the hardest thing Shige's ever done.
Nishikido-kun's brow is still creased in a tiny frown, but there's something soft in his expression, a little bit of wonder in the way he's looking at Shige, like he's really getting to see Shige for the first time. Shige's shoulder is beginning to hurt from Nishikido-kun's fingers digging into his flesh, but Shige also feels how they're trembling minutely, and so he doesn't say anything, doesn't even dare to move an inch as Nishikido-kun slowly shuffles nearer.
They've been close like this before, three years of photoshoots and touring and television shows wear these physical boundaries thin, but that has always been work, for the benefit of the fans and audience, and now, this intimacy, the gradual subtraction of the distance between them, leaves Shige's mind blank, because there's no script, no longer any instructions telling him what's the next thing he has to do.
Shige's never noticed how much taller he is compared to Nishikido-kun until their bodies are suddenly pressed against each other's. Nishikido-kun's arms slide around his waist, his hands clutching the back of Shige's jacket, and Shige's bag drops to the ground as his grip upon it loosens at the sensation of Nishikido-kun's hot breath against the side of his neck.
Tentatively, one of Shige's hands move up to hold onto Nishikido-kun's sleeve and he practically stops breathing when Nishikido-kun whispers, “Shige,” each puff of breath that accompanies the syllables sending a slight shiver down Shige's spine.
In the months to come, Shige will remember this as the moment when he felt immeasurably happy and calm and safe. Maybe it felt so perfect because in that instant, there was as yet no thought of before and after - there was only the present, of being in that moment.
Nishikido-kun's arms are tightening around Shige when Shige's phone starts buzzing in his pocket and they break apart abruptly. Fumbling out the phone, Shige sees that it's Koyama and answers the call in what he fervently hopes is a steady voice. By the time he ends the call, Nishikido-kun has collected his bag and rejoined him by the door.
“It's, uh, Koyama. He says to hurry because the bus is going to leave,” Shige says, marvelling at how mundane it all sounds.
Nishikido-kun nods and they leave the dressing room, shutting the door behind them.
As they walk down the corridor to the lobby, Shige will also recall already missing that instant of utopia he'd just tasted. He will remember the damp warmth of Nishikido-kun's palm shifting against his own, and Nishikido-kun's lips curved in a tiny, secret smile.
カーテンはゆらゆら踊り
The curtain sways softly,
時折 隙間から朝日を覗かせ
Every now and then, the morning sun peeking through the opening.
僕はずっと寝転がってた
I lay about, hour by hour.
放っておいた 付けっ放しのTVは
The TV I forgot to turn off,
サッカー中継から モンタージュ写真に 変わってる
Changed from a soccer broadcast to a montage picture.
優しく残酷に 太陽は浮き沈み
Softly and cruelly, the sun rises and falls.
描いていた筈の未来が ここには無くて
The future that I had pictured could not be found here.
もう何もかもを見失い
[And] I lost sight of everything,
目指していた筈の 理想の僕さえ
Even the ideal self that I had aimed for,
忘れて 焦って 迷って
Forgetting, feeling pressed and hesitating.
今日も日が沈む
Today as well, the sun goes down.
不安定なこの街では 躓けば
In this city that lacks stability, if I were to stumble,
踏み潰されるような気がして
I felt like I was going to get trampled on.
シガミつける物を探してた
I was searching for something to hold on to.
世間体ばっか気になって
Worrying only about my public image,
アスファルトに映る影 見つめてた
I stared at the shadows reflecting on the asphalt,
右左微妙なバランス保ったまま
While preserving the delicate balance between right and left.
ショーウインドーに映る僕
My reflection on the show-window
道化師みたいに泣き笑い
Smiling through my tears, like a clown.
叫んでも歌っても
Even if I cry-out or sing,
誰にも響かない 気がして
I felt like it wouldn't reach anyone's ears.
声と共に夢も 擦れていくよ
My dreams, along with my voice are fading.
又今日も 誰かのせいにして 行くのかなぁ
Today as well, will I go on blaming things on everyone?
疑って 自分見失って明日も続くのかな
Will I continue being suspicious and losing sight of myself?
何かに頼っていたくて
I wanted to lean on something.
その何かをずっと探して
[And] I kept on searching for that certain something.
描いていた筈の未来が 何処にも無くて
The future that I had pictured could not be found anywhere.
もう全てを見失いそう
I'm on the verge of losing sight of everything.
傷ついて
I get hurt,
何を塗っても 癒える訳無くて
But nothing I smear on can heal the pain.
治り掛けても 又掻きむしって
Even if I start to recover, I end up scratching it again.
血と涙溢れるだけ
Blood and tears just overflow.
叫んでも歌っても
Even if I cry-out or sing,
誰にも響かないとしても
And even if no one hears me,
君の為に 諦めたりしないから
For you, I will not give up.
『未完成』
"Unfinished"
そのくらいが丁度良いんだよ
That's just right.
その秘めた可能性は
The rest of your hidden potentials,
徐々に 組み立てていけばいい
Build it up gradually.
僕には何かが欠けてるさ
I am lacking something.
ただ足りない ピースを探して
I'm just searching for the missing piece.
もうすぐ月が照らすよ
Soon, the moon will shine.
目の前はキラキラ光る 星の夜
Before us is a night full of sparkling stars.
ほらあそこでも 何かが光った
See, there is also something shining over there.
今度は握りしめよう
I'm going to grab hold of it this time.
owari
A/N: i hope it din't seem too piecemeal, and thanks for reading so far :) comments are always greatly appreciated ^_^