Hoping things will turn up....
I hate to complain, but things havent been looking too great for me lately. Wow, me of all people saying that? Unbelievable! Though I normally try to stay positive through anything, I suddenly feel weighed down by troubles. And the part that really throws the pain on me, is that I feel like I deserve all the bad things that life is putting on me right now. I've always kinda believed in that whole karma thing. Ive been told "what goes around comes around" ever since I was little. It's probably grown on me, 'cause now Im stuck on the idea that everything I do, good and bad, will have an effect on me in the future. If that's the case, then I must be doing wrong constantly without realizing it. 'Cause it seems nothing good has been coming my way. I dont get it though. I try to be the best person I possibly can. I do everything I can to help other people, hoping they would do the same for me one day. I've done crazy things for people who probably dont give a fuck about me, just to make some sort of impression on myself. Just so I can feel good about myself. Just knowing I've done some good in this world before I leave one day. It puts a smile on my face before I go to sleep at night(or early morning, which ever). Shit, I even stood up for my little brother (who would never do a damn thing for me) when my whole family was making him feel like crap over somethin that he shouldnt've been blamed for anyhow. I do shit like that to prove to myself that I have some kind of heart. To show that everyone isnt some heartless bastard only looking out for themselves. Thats how I live my life. And Im happy doing it that way.
Yet, I also feel like Im also putting myself down at the same time. Like there is something horrible that Im doing or have done thats coming back to me.
Some of the people around me arent really helping either. Lately, I feel un-appreciated and used. I honestly dont ask for much, but what little I do ask for, I never get. And people who I am usually close to seem to be drifting away. I had a fight wit my grandpa, and I thought I'd never see that happen. We've always been so close. He took care of me when no-one else would. We always understood eachother. I've always respected him. But I just felt disconnected from him that day. I feel like that with other people sometimes too. I just wanna make everybody happy, but it seems no-one wants the same for me....I put everyone else before myself, but with them, Im always in last place. The least important person they could think of...
Im at this stage where I can only ask "what more do you want ? What more do I have to do? Where did I go wrong? And how do I fix it?". I feel lost man. Word up. Nothing good is coming my way, and I feel like I've caused it. Feel like I'm puttin it on myself. Why does it seem the world is turning on me ? I dunno what all of it is, but Im gettin sick of this shit...And I dont think karma has anything to do with it, honestly. I think I just need a change of some sort....
fuck it, Im out. Whining about shit wont make it better.......
Yet, I also feel like Im also putting myself down at the same time. Like there is something horrible that Im doing or have done thats coming back to me.
Some of the people around me arent really helping either. Lately, I feel un-appreciated and used. I honestly dont ask for much, but what little I do ask for, I never get. And people who I am usually close to seem to be drifting away. I had a fight wit my grandpa, and I thought I'd never see that happen. We've always been so close. He took care of me when no-one else would. We always understood eachother. I've always respected him. But I just felt disconnected from him that day. I feel like that with other people sometimes too. I just wanna make everybody happy, but it seems no-one wants the same for me....I put everyone else before myself, but with them, Im always in last place. The least important person they could think of...
Im at this stage where I can only ask "what more do you want ? What more do I have to do? Where did I go wrong? And how do I fix it?". I feel lost man. Word up. Nothing good is coming my way, and I feel like I've caused it. Feel like I'm puttin it on myself. Why does it seem the world is turning on me ? I dunno what all of it is, but Im gettin sick of this shit...And I dont think karma has anything to do with it, honestly. I think I just need a change of some sort....
fuck it, Im out. Whining about shit wont make it better.......