revelation
So it's been forever... I know.
And I know everyone gets sick of me only updating when I need to vent or when I'm upset. Sorry to dissapoint but these are another one of those moments.
So this summer has consisted of: house sitting, parties, choir camp, parties, avoiding reality, and parties. I thought the whole emotional thing ended after graduation.But when people actually leave!? wow... it really hits.
Tonight was the AHS choir reunion. It was good to see people again, but something just didn't feel right for a while. I dunno. Poor Lisa got sick and had to leave early... and everyone was talking about moving dates and stuff... and kinda felt like I talked a lot about my expierience as a camp counselor (at txstate) and lots of jokes just to avoid obvious conversation. I was telling Red and Emily about Cory (my sutto boyfriend for the summer) and how we had a falling out because he didn't want to get to attached to me out of fear of missing me to much when he goes to A&M. I also told them about Hunter... who put me in a really odd position this summer when he begin to treat me in a way that best friends shouldn't.
And once again... Sam did his thing. You know, when he gets really close and then shuts me out. But as the night progressed and I brought him home, I came to one conclusion...
I'm not good enough for him.
Not for him, or Cory, or anyone else I feel really close too like I do them. Yes it does hurt and I probally am blowing it out of proportion... but I think it's good that I'm admitting this to myself. I have a lot of things about myself I need to get in order... a lot of demons I need to conquer... and until I do that, I don't feel I'm good enough or probally will every be.
Angela leaves for Colorado for college on Saturday... I cried a lot about that when she told me.
I feel like there is this big "duh" that I'm missing... this really obvious solution. Why am I so afraid of change? Why do I panic so much in these situations...
I know the three pieces that I will havemy first Varsity Choir perform. I know what song I want to perform at TMEA convenition when I get older.. I even know what I want to name some of my future children... but I have no idea how to handle myself in college... or what to do about a boy... or how to detach myself from certain people... or how to become a better person...or how to avoid certain things and people that shouldn't be around.
Sometimes I get this feeling in my stomach that I will be alone... without anyone... friends, family, a loved one... and the worst part is that it doesn feel wrong - it's like it's the truth that I'm finnaly admitting and it makes me so upset. That's the feeling I have now. I dunno why I'm venting all this but I promise nest time I'll write of good things.
I hope this helps me learn. I hope this helps me grow in spirit and heart. Because right now, I feel pretty low...
And I know everyone gets sick of me only updating when I need to vent or when I'm upset. Sorry to dissapoint but these are another one of those moments.
So this summer has consisted of: house sitting, parties, choir camp, parties, avoiding reality, and parties. I thought the whole emotional thing ended after graduation.But when people actually leave!? wow... it really hits.
Tonight was the AHS choir reunion. It was good to see people again, but something just didn't feel right for a while. I dunno. Poor Lisa got sick and had to leave early... and everyone was talking about moving dates and stuff... and kinda felt like I talked a lot about my expierience as a camp counselor (at txstate) and lots of jokes just to avoid obvious conversation. I was telling Red and Emily about Cory (my sutto boyfriend for the summer) and how we had a falling out because he didn't want to get to attached to me out of fear of missing me to much when he goes to A&M. I also told them about Hunter... who put me in a really odd position this summer when he begin to treat me in a way that best friends shouldn't.
And once again... Sam did his thing. You know, when he gets really close and then shuts me out. But as the night progressed and I brought him home, I came to one conclusion...
I'm not good enough for him.
Not for him, or Cory, or anyone else I feel really close too like I do them. Yes it does hurt and I probally am blowing it out of proportion... but I think it's good that I'm admitting this to myself. I have a lot of things about myself I need to get in order... a lot of demons I need to conquer... and until I do that, I don't feel I'm good enough or probally will every be.
Angela leaves for Colorado for college on Saturday... I cried a lot about that when she told me.
I feel like there is this big "duh" that I'm missing... this really obvious solution. Why am I so afraid of change? Why do I panic so much in these situations...
I know the three pieces that I will havemy first Varsity Choir perform. I know what song I want to perform at TMEA convenition when I get older.. I even know what I want to name some of my future children... but I have no idea how to handle myself in college... or what to do about a boy... or how to detach myself from certain people... or how to become a better person...or how to avoid certain things and people that shouldn't be around.
Sometimes I get this feeling in my stomach that I will be alone... without anyone... friends, family, a loved one... and the worst part is that it doesn feel wrong - it's like it's the truth that I'm finnaly admitting and it makes me so upset. That's the feeling I have now. I dunno why I'm venting all this but I promise nest time I'll write of good things.
I hope this helps me learn. I hope this helps me grow in spirit and heart. Because right now, I feel pretty low...