it's about time
Alright. Updating this thing has become a discipline.
I'm currently moving out of summer housing into fall housing. There is some mad crazy construction going on over at the Hull St House and it's pretty hilarious trying to move my boxes in in the midst of it all. They are putting up new siding so our house is going from putrid grey to eggshell white. Must say I'm a big fan of the white.
Matt and I went to the beach yesterday and journaled. I had existential angst again and proceeded to orally process all of it to him on the way home. I came back, packed a bit, and then Jo, Pam, and I headed BACK to the beach and watched the stars. What a beautiful night. What a beautiful summer. Though sand in the sheets is irritating, it is a reminder of warm, enjoyable times. August is like a kick of sand in the face, though, considering school is just around the corner. We were chatting the other day:
-June is like Friday because the fun has just begun.
-July is like Saturday because you are right in the middle of all the craziness and the end is not yet in sight.
-August is like Sunday because all the fun you're having is dulled by the fact that, in a little why, Monday will be back and the stress will begin again.
Don't get me wrong. I love being a student. It's the meetings, the relationship stress, the overwhelming sense of work and deadlines, the feeling of being all alone in a very large crowd, etc. That's what I don't look forward to. But I DO look forward to being surrounded by my friends again, especially after so many have been away. And I look forward to living in a real house and cooking real food. And I look forward to taking classes that stimulate the mind and spirit. And I look forward to all of the antics and craziness that comes with college life. I look forward to all of that. And...it's my last year! My last year. I feel like I just came. Yet, I hardly recognize myself from where I was at age 18.
Speaking of age 18, Nick Borrelli called me a few days ago. He's been trying to get ahold of me for a while and finally succeeded. I was pretty shocked, but the years that have past since we've actually had a voice-to-voice conversation (4 years ago?) dulled the weirdness a bit. I didn't recognize his voice. We had no inside jokes to fall back on. There was nothign but the past and the past is way far from where I am right now. After UVA, he went on to Marine training and has since graduated. A genuine Marine fighting for "liberty and democracy" and don't forget..."freedom." I decided not to let him know I'm a pacifist. No need.
Sounds like his job intails a lot of paperwork and I'm sure he's lonely at times. I mean, he's calling his exgirlfriend from highschool up, for God's sake. We've gone down completely different paths, taken different directions, made different choices. We talked online last year and he was telling me how he had been reflecting on these decisions he had made. He said that he could hardly believe where his life had taken him...or where he had taken his life...and how he thought a lot about me and the direction I had taken my life...and how he could only wonder in what ways his life could be different. When you are asking yourself these questions at age 22, you know that something's up. I wanted to yell "You can do something different with your life! Something you're passionate about! You don't have to be a pawn of our government, a cog in the machine!!" but instead I congratulated him. For what? I don't even know.
Isn't life funny? Here I am, looking into peace and justice Masters programs for after school, contemplating a conversion to the Mennonite church, perhaps heading overseas to do grassroots conflict resolution stuff. And here's Nick, off to Iraq in a few months (or so he suspects) to wage war against the unidentifiable enemy known as "terrorism," risking his life for something he hopes desperately to be true. Maybe we aren't that different, actually. I have found myself hoping desperately that this God I believe in is a just and peaceful God...and it is this justice and peace that I find myself more and more willing to give my life for. Nick feels similarly, I would presume. We are both looking for something to die for so we can feel like we are actually living.
Our life is a culmination of decisions, a melting pot of choices. We should all take time to reflect on these decisions...to reevaluate the direction we are going....to question whether we really "got it" the first time....to start seeing ourselves as grains of sand on the shore rather than the masters of our own universes. As soon as that happens, maybe there really will be peace on earth, to some degree. Ever wonder if you're holding on to a lie to escape the chaos? That was dark, Heather. Anyway, I feel that way a lot. But yet, maybe my understanding of Truth is changing...and what I orginally thought to be Truth with a capital T has only become truth. And maybe it's all of these lowercase truths that add up to the ultimate TRUTH. But, because we are mere ants, we can never see the whole product, unless of course, we learn to let go and transcend our own earthly desires. I sound like a Buddhist. Speaking of, I'm thinking about reading up on Buddhism. Dr Holcomb is a buddhist-thinking Christian. He says Buddha's path to self-discovery was quite similar to Jesus' journey. I would like to explore those parallels. What to do about suffering? I'm attempting to find joy in the suffering, joy in the pain. I'm trying.
I'm currently moving out of summer housing into fall housing. There is some mad crazy construction going on over at the Hull St House and it's pretty hilarious trying to move my boxes in in the midst of it all. They are putting up new siding so our house is going from putrid grey to eggshell white. Must say I'm a big fan of the white.
Matt and I went to the beach yesterday and journaled. I had existential angst again and proceeded to orally process all of it to him on the way home. I came back, packed a bit, and then Jo, Pam, and I headed BACK to the beach and watched the stars. What a beautiful night. What a beautiful summer. Though sand in the sheets is irritating, it is a reminder of warm, enjoyable times. August is like a kick of sand in the face, though, considering school is just around the corner. We were chatting the other day:
-June is like Friday because the fun has just begun.
-July is like Saturday because you are right in the middle of all the craziness and the end is not yet in sight.
-August is like Sunday because all the fun you're having is dulled by the fact that, in a little why, Monday will be back and the stress will begin again.
Don't get me wrong. I love being a student. It's the meetings, the relationship stress, the overwhelming sense of work and deadlines, the feeling of being all alone in a very large crowd, etc. That's what I don't look forward to. But I DO look forward to being surrounded by my friends again, especially after so many have been away. And I look forward to living in a real house and cooking real food. And I look forward to taking classes that stimulate the mind and spirit. And I look forward to all of the antics and craziness that comes with college life. I look forward to all of that. And...it's my last year! My last year. I feel like I just came. Yet, I hardly recognize myself from where I was at age 18.
Speaking of age 18, Nick Borrelli called me a few days ago. He's been trying to get ahold of me for a while and finally succeeded. I was pretty shocked, but the years that have past since we've actually had a voice-to-voice conversation (4 years ago?) dulled the weirdness a bit. I didn't recognize his voice. We had no inside jokes to fall back on. There was nothign but the past and the past is way far from where I am right now. After UVA, he went on to Marine training and has since graduated. A genuine Marine fighting for "liberty and democracy" and don't forget..."freedom." I decided not to let him know I'm a pacifist. No need.
Sounds like his job intails a lot of paperwork and I'm sure he's lonely at times. I mean, he's calling his exgirlfriend from highschool up, for God's sake. We've gone down completely different paths, taken different directions, made different choices. We talked online last year and he was telling me how he had been reflecting on these decisions he had made. He said that he could hardly believe where his life had taken him...or where he had taken his life...and how he thought a lot about me and the direction I had taken my life...and how he could only wonder in what ways his life could be different. When you are asking yourself these questions at age 22, you know that something's up. I wanted to yell "You can do something different with your life! Something you're passionate about! You don't have to be a pawn of our government, a cog in the machine!!" but instead I congratulated him. For what? I don't even know.
Isn't life funny? Here I am, looking into peace and justice Masters programs for after school, contemplating a conversion to the Mennonite church, perhaps heading overseas to do grassroots conflict resolution stuff. And here's Nick, off to Iraq in a few months (or so he suspects) to wage war against the unidentifiable enemy known as "terrorism," risking his life for something he hopes desperately to be true. Maybe we aren't that different, actually. I have found myself hoping desperately that this God I believe in is a just and peaceful God...and it is this justice and peace that I find myself more and more willing to give my life for. Nick feels similarly, I would presume. We are both looking for something to die for so we can feel like we are actually living.
Our life is a culmination of decisions, a melting pot of choices. We should all take time to reflect on these decisions...to reevaluate the direction we are going....to question whether we really "got it" the first time....to start seeing ourselves as grains of sand on the shore rather than the masters of our own universes. As soon as that happens, maybe there really will be peace on earth, to some degree. Ever wonder if you're holding on to a lie to escape the chaos? That was dark, Heather. Anyway, I feel that way a lot. But yet, maybe my understanding of Truth is changing...and what I orginally thought to be Truth with a capital T has only become truth. And maybe it's all of these lowercase truths that add up to the ultimate TRUTH. But, because we are mere ants, we can never see the whole product, unless of course, we learn to let go and transcend our own earthly desires. I sound like a Buddhist. Speaking of, I'm thinking about reading up on Buddhism. Dr Holcomb is a buddhist-thinking Christian. He says Buddha's path to self-discovery was quite similar to Jesus' journey. I would like to explore those parallels. What to do about suffering? I'm attempting to find joy in the suffering, joy in the pain. I'm trying.