fic: Cowardice
A/N: This idea has been kicking around my head for months. I finally decided to kick it out of my head and onto my computer in hopes it would let me get back to work instead of constantly rewriting the story in my mind. Constructive criticism is always welcome please be kind; this is my first fic.
Spoilers: Takes place during/after 1.09, The Beast In Me.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Rizzoli or Isles, more’s the pity.
Jane’s heart was still pounding as she brought her cruiser to a screeching halt in front of her apartment building. Maura had said she was okay; that it was, in fact, her biological father and not one of his numerous enemies who had taken her, but Jane wouldn’t be able to relax until she saw Maura alive and well with her own eyes. She bounded out of the vehicle, eyes scanning the street for her friend, and found her a couple of cars down standing by an nondescript van. Patrick Doyle was standing by Maura’s side and Jane’s studied eye picked up three other men stationed in various places along the street.
“Are you alright”, Jane asked as she ran up to Maura. “She’d better be okay” she snarled at Doyle, giving him a glare that clearly indicated she would tear him into little pieces and feed him to her dog if Maura wasn’t okay.
“I’m fine, just a little shook-up” Maura responded quietly. Jane reached out to touch her arm and looked searchingly into Maura’s eyes to gage the truth of her response. Only the presence of Doyle and his men kept her from wrapping Maura up in her arms.
“Relax detective, I have no intention of harming my own daughter”, Doyle said calmly. “Just the opposite in fact. My only goal here is to ensure her safety”.
“Yeah, well I got it from here, you can go know”, Jane retorted angrily, “and if you ever pull a stunt like this again rest assured you won’t have to worry about your enemies getting to you ever again.”
Doyle looked as if he was about to respond with an angry retort of his own but thought better of it. Instead he simply said, “We’re on the same side in this instance detective.” Then without giving Jane a chance to reply he turned on his heel signaling his men to get in the van and they drove off.
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As soon as they stepped into her apartment Jane gave in to the impulse she’d had as soon as she had seen Maura standing with her biological father and wrapped her arms around her.
“Jane,” Maura breathed in a shaky voice. That one word but it spoke volumes to Jane. Maura was trembling but as soon as she was safe in Jane’s arms the trembling subsided and her body seemed to melt into Jane’s.
“I thought I’d lost you”, Jane murmured into Maura’s caramel blond hair, rocking slowly back and forth as much to sooth her own jangled nerves as to calm Maura.
“I thought the same thing”, Maura whispered into Jane’s neck, “until I realized who had taken me. Then I just got mad, really mad. I shouted at him.”
Jane pulled back just enough to look into Maura’s eyes and grinned at her. God, I love this woman. Maura was grinning back at her but there was something more in Maura’s eyes. Something Jane had thought she’d glimpsed before but had been too scared to pursue. The price of being wrong; possibly pushing Maura away, and losing her best friend, was too high. But now she was sure of it. Maura loved her too. It was there in her eyes, in the way her trembling had subsided as soon as she was in Jane’s arms and in the way her body molded itself to Jane’s.
It’s now or never. Jane leaned in slowly, making her intention clear, she placed her lips softly against Maura’s. The kiss started slowly but built into a passionate collision of lips and teeth and tongues, their hands roaming hungrily over each other’s bodies. Jane took Maura’s bottom lip between hers and sucked on it gently. Maura responded with a soft moan.
Then Jane felt Maura’s body stiffen in her arms and she pushed Jane away, not harshly but with resolution. “ I, I’m sorry Jane. I, I can’t do this.”
The look in her eye’s made Jane’s heart sink. Love and desire were there but they were drowned out by confusion, sadness, and above all fear. Jane knew she had moved too soon and she rushed to fix the situation before she lost her best friend. “No Maura, it’s my fault. I was so worried about you when you were taken and I just got caught up in the emotions of the moment. It won’t happen again I promise. Please tell me I haven’t ruined our friendship. I’d never forgive myself if I lost my best friend over this.”
“Of course not”, Maura responded fervently, “Please don’t think that. It’s just I, I” but for perhaps the first time in her adult life words failed her. “I think I should go” she finished dejectedly, and reached for the door.
“I’ll drive you back to the office” Jane offered, equally dejected. “You don’t have your car or your purse or anything here”.
Maura was forced to agree but the silent ride back to the police station was the hardest either woman had ever had to endure. When they arrived Jane wanted to offer to follow Maura to her place to ensure everything was okay there but she knew Maura would say no. Instead she said, “call me if you need me; I’ll see you at work tomorrow. “
As she drove off the tears she’d been holding back since Maura had pulled away from her kiss began to fall. She didn’t look back. If she had she would have seen Maura staring after her with tears of her own streaming down her face.
To all outward appearances Jane and Maura’s relationship was unchanged after that night. They still went to lunch together most days. Jane went down to the morgue to retrieve autopsy results and they still interacted easily in the bullpen or at crime scenes. They even went to the Robber for drinks with rest of the Homicide Division on Friday nights and shared movie night once or twice a month, although their sleepovers were a thing of the past.
Nonetheless those closest to the pair sensed a difference even if they couldn’t put their finger on what it was. On occasion Frankie or Vince, or even Jane’s mother had brought it up with one of the two but they always got a vague “everything’s fine, I don’t know what your talking about.” Eventually they left it alone, hoping that what ever was wrong between the two women they would work it out themselves. Any one with eyes could see that their relationship had been special. It would be so sad if it stayed like this.
Maura on the other hand could describe the difference in their relationship pre and post kiss in great detail, after all she had been dwelling on it, examining it and analyzing it since the night they’d kissed more than three weeks ago. She was doing so again, sitting in front of her computer in her office not seeing whatever report was on the screen, instead going over in her mind what had changed and trying to figure out how she could fix it.
The easiness between them was gone. Jane was much more reserved with her, never harsh or bitter, but she laughed less in Maura’s presence and she rarely unleashed one of those patented Rizzoli grins that always made Maura’s heart skip a beat. She also reigned in her natural tendency towards sarcasm, and Maura was surprised by how much she missed the brunette’s biting commentaries. But more than all of that combined Maura missed Jane’s touch. Jane never touched her anymore and that was hardest thing of all. Her body seemed to expect it, to crave it.
When did I become dependent on physical contact with Jane? Maura had never been an overly tactile person. Because of her upbringing she was generally uncomfortable with physical contact unless it was in the pursuit of sexual gratification and even then she never felt the need to cuddle after sex. She realized with a bit of a jolt that Jane was the only person she had ever cuddled with, during movie nights curled up on the couch in one of their homes. That was before the kiss. Now she felt as though she was withering away with out Jane’s touch or perhaps she was just reverting to the person she had been before she met Jane, a beautiful, intelligent, accomplished woman who was desperately lonely.
She didn’t want to be that woman again. That was why she had pushed Jane away when they kissed. She was afraid of losing her best friend. She was still afraid of that, and as she had on all the previous occasions when she’d tried to think through her current dilemma she came to the same unhappy conclusion. She would simply have to wait it out and hope that things would eventually get back to where they had been before they kissed. Her friendship with Jane was much too important to risk on the slim chance that the two of them could successfully navigate a sexual relationship. In her experience, when a sexual relationship came to an end friendship, assuming it had existed before, was the first casualty.
With a sigh Maura returned to the report she had been working on before her mind detoured yet again into the puzzle that was her relationship with Jane Rizzoli. The computer screen had faded to black so she shook the mouse to bring it back to life. As the screen brightened she glanced at the clock in the upper right corner of the screen. It was 6:30 PM…on a Friday.
Normally by this time Jane had called to invite her to the Robber for drinks with the guys but she’d gotten no call yet and she’d been in her office all afternoon so it wasn’t likely she had missed it. She tried calling Jane’s work phone and then her cell but both went to voice mail. Maybe they got a call on a case, although Maura generally went out on the same calls as the homicide detectives did it wasn’t unheard of for her to be called later, or not at all depending on the circumstances. She decided to go up to the bullpen to see if she could find out where Jane was.
As she walked into the bullpen she noticed that Jane’s desk was indeed empty. Her computer was off and her jacket and car keys were gone as well. Then she noticed that both Barry and Vince were still at their desks. That was strange. Jane wouldn’t go out on a call without one of them, especially not without her partner.
Maura walked over to Barry’s desk, “Good afternoon Barry”.
Barry jumped a bit and looked up from his computer screen, which he had been studying so intently he hadn’t noticed her approach. “Hey Doc, what can I do for you this afternoon?”
“I was looking for Jane, she usually calls by this time on a Friday to see if I want to go to the Robber with all of you”, Maura replied.
“Oh” Barry glanced over at Jane’s desk. “I don’t know where Jane is, I’ve been working on this case trying to break the encryption on the vic’s computer files and having no luck. I’ll be heading over to the Robber in a few minutes if you want to join me. I’m sure Jane will show up there eventually. It is Friday night after all”, he replied with a smile.
“Actually, I don’t think she’ll be there tonight” Vince interjected from his desk. “She left a few minutes ago, said something about running home before she met Detective McBride for dinner later.”
“Shannon McBride”, Maura asked, trying to keep her voice steady, even though she felt lightheaded and slightly nauseous.
“Yeah”, Vince replied, apparently unaware of the turmoil his words had caused in Maura. “Shannon McBride from Narcotics.”
Maura caught the edge of Barry’s desk to steady herself as a picture of Detective McBride flashed through her mind. Five foot six, petite with an athletic yet very feminine figure, she had beautiful shoulder length auburn hair, piercing blue eyes, and a fair complexion that glowed a delicate pink when she spent an afternoon playing softball in the sun which is where Jane had introduced her to Maura last summer.
“Are you alright Doc” Barry asked concerned. All the color had drained from Maura’s face and she looked as if she might pass out.
She stared at him blankly for a moment then shook herself and mumbled something about a long week and being tired and she’d see them on Monday.
Maura barely made it to her office slamming the door behind her before she slumped into chair, laid her head on her desk and burst into tears. A date…Jane was going on a date…with another woman. It had to be a date or she wouldn’t have bothered to go home first, no doubt so she could shower and change first. If it was just dinner or drinks with a friend she wouldn’t bother going home to change first.
In a blinding flash of realization Maura realized her mistake. She had assumed that if she and Jane became lovers they would eventually have a falling out, after all isn’t that how it had always been for both of them with all their previous lovers, and she would lose her best friend. No matter how attracted she was to Jane, no matter how much she loved her she couldn’t risk losing her best friend, her only friend.
But in all her rationalization of her actions that night she had never considered what would happen when Jane met someone who wouldn’t push her away. Someone who would see in Jane all the things that had made Maura fall in love with her, her strength, her kindness, her loyalty, and her fierce protectiveness not to mention the fact that she was drop dead gorgeous. Surely that person, man or woman, would become the center of Jane’s universe and Maura would be relegated to the minor role of “work friend”. If she was lucky she’d seen Jane on Friday’s at the Robber and at departmental softball games, maybe the occasional lunch on a special occasion like her birthday.
The picture Maura painted in her head of this imagined future was bleak, worse even than losing Jane altogether. The thought of watching Jane share her life with someone else was excruciating, and it galvanized Maura to action. She had to take a shot, she had to tell Jane how she really felt and ask for a second chance. At least then if she lost Jane she’d have the consolation of knowing she tried.
Maura jumped up and started grabbing her things. Vince had said Jane had left a few minutes ago, maybe, if she hurried, she could catch Jane before she left for her date and stop her. She had to try.
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Contrary to her nature and her upbringing Maura sped recklessly through the streets of Boston and came to a screeching halt in front of Jane’s apartment. For a second she flashed on Jane’s arrival in a similar manner on the fateful night that set this state of affairs in motion, but she was in too much of a hurry to consider if that was a good or bad omen.
She ran up the three flights of stairs to Jane’s floor her stilettos pounding out a staccato beat in time with her heart and pounded on Jane’s door. She stood waiting while trying to get her ragged breathing under control. There was no answer, she pounded again and then tried Jane’s home phone reasoning that if Jane were in the shower she wouldn’t hear the door but she might hear the phone. It rang five times and then the answering machine picked up.
Maura pressed her forehead against Jane’s door while tears slipped silently down her face. She was too late; Jane had already left for her date. Turning resolutely from the door she walked away wiping the tears from her cheeks. She was glad none of Jane’s neighbors were there to witness her anguish.
She made it as far as the steps in front of Jane’s building and plopped down there sobbing uncontrollably. This time she didn’t care who saw her, she had lost the love of her life and it was all her fault. Her cowardice had brought her to this point. Then she had her second flash of realization of the evening. Your wallowing Maura, its just one date. It’s not like they’ve sent out wedding invitations yet. As Jane would say put on your big girl panties and do something about it.
What she decided to do was sit there on the steps in front of Jane’s building and wait for her to return. She tried not to think about the implications if Jane didn’t return tonight or about what she would do if Jane did return with Shannon McBride in tow. Be positive Maura. You belong with Jane and she belongs with you. Now you just need to convince her of that fact.
Her bravado carried her through the first hour she spent sitting on the hard stone steps in front of Jane’s building but as the second hour began with night falling and the temperature dropping she sat shivering while her confidence faltered and doubts began creeping into her mind. What if Jane couldn’t forgive her for her original rejection? Jane had never said anything, indeed she had never mentioned the kiss or any thing else that had happened that evening. But Maura had seen the hurt and sadness in her eyes not just that night but on other occasions when she had glanced at Jane sitting across from her in a booth at the Robber and caught Jane watching her with a deep sadness in her beautiful brown eyes. Or at a crime scene when Jane would start to reach out to lay a hand on her arm then pull back with a look of hurt and confusion on her face. As soon as Maura caught her eye though the expression would be gone covered by a neutral expression and a half smile that never seemed to reach those eyes Maura had previously loved to stare into even if it wasn’t strictly appropriate behavior for friends.
Maura’s head dropped to her knees and she began to cry again silently, her shoulders shaking slightly with her attempts to control her tears. So engrossed was she in her own little drama that she didn’t here the footsteps approaching, didn’t here them slow to a stop a few feet away and then resume again only to stop beside her on the steps.
“Maur, are you okay?” Jane asked her voice radiating concern for her friend.
Maura jumped and looked up at Jane, her cheeks wet with tears, “Jane” she choked out in a voice barely above a whisper.
Concern overrode Jane’s recent reticence to touch her friend and she sat on the step next to Maura and put her hand on her knee. “Maura, honey what’s wrong? Is it Bass, your parents? What’s the matter sweetie?”
“God I’ve missed that” Maura said, staring at Jane’s hand on her knee.
“What?” Jane asked confused, “missed what?”
“You touching me, I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed your touch these last three weeks”, she replied, finally raising her eyes to meet Jane’s.
Jane snatched her hand back as if it had been stung. “I figured it was best considering…everything,” she whispered, looking away from Maura.
Jane shook herself and turned back to Maura, “Why are you here Maura?” she demanded, her voice studiously devoid of emotion.
Maura searched Jane’s face trying to gage her potential reaction to what she came here to say. What came out of her mouth surprised even her. “How was your date?”
“Huh?” was Jane’s eloquent response, “What date?”
“I stopped by the bullpen earlier to see if you were going to the Robber tonight. Vince said you were going to dinner with Shannon McBride” Maura replied struggling to keep the hurt out of her voice.
Jane stared at Maura for a long moment, studying her face, weighing her words, and her tears and her presence and hope flared brightly in her heart but she tamped the feeling down, cautious after the heartbreak she’d been dealt before. She briefly considered lying about the nature of her dinner with Detective McBride just to see Maura’s reaction but this was her best friend and she would never intentionally hurt her no matter how badly she had been hurt herself, and despite her attempts to reign it in the hope was swelling in her heart.
“It wasn’t a date”, she replied quietly.
“But you went out to dinner with her and you came back here to shower and change before you met her” it was Maura’s turn to be confused, “it must have been a date.”
“I guess I see why you don’t normally make assumptions, you really suck at it” Jane joked, hope starting to get the upper hand in her internal battle. “It was a working dinner” she explained, “Shannon’s found some new evidence on a case I worked when I was in Narcotics and she asked me to go over the file with her. I had to come back here to get my notes, I didn’t have them at the office.”
“Oh”, Maura said looking abashed. “Oh” she repeated with more enthusiasm as it dawned on her that Jane hadn’t been on a date and it might not be too late for them.
“Maura, why are you here” Jane pressed, her eyes searching Maura’s.
“I wanted to talk about that night” she replied taking Jane’s hand and forcing herself to maintain eye contact. “I wanted to explain.”
Jane stared at Maura for a long moment, “so explain” she said, her vulnerability expressing itself in the way she fidgeted and looked away from Maura.
“I was scared, I am scared” Maura told her, her voice steady now. Her confidence returning now that Jane was beside her.
“I get it Maur” Jane interrupted trying to pull her hand away. Maura refuse to release it. “It’s hard coming out. Folks give you all sorts of shit and you feel like you have to be twice as good at your job as anybody else just to get equal treatment. Hell, I never gave any indication that I was interested in women before I met you and I still had to put up with that crap”.
“No Jane, no that’s not it, I could care less if people think I’m a lesbian. I’d be proud to have them think I was Jane Rizzoli’s girlfriend” Maura squeezed her hand and waited until Jane was looking her in the eye.
“Then what are you afraid of Maura, I don’t get it. Why don’t you want to be with me,” Jane practically whined.
“That’s all I want Jane” Maura said with all the conviction she could muster needing desperately to convince Jane of her words, “but I was afraid I’d screw it up and I’d lose my best friend…my only friend. Let’s face it Jane neither one of us has a great track record when it comes to long term relationships.”
Jane stared at Maura dumbfounded, how could she have missed this. All this time she figured Maura was afraid of being outed as a lesbian when what was really holding her back were the same fears that had held Jane back for so long. Then a smile broke over Jane’s face a radiant smile filled with joy. She knew how to handle this. She knew exactly what to say to Maura in this moment.
Taking Maura’s face in her hands Jane looked deeply into Maura’s hazel eyes and asked “Did it ever occurred to you that all our previous relationships failed because they weren’t meant to be, because neither one of us was with the right person? You’ll probably laugh and tell me there’s no scientific basis for what I’m about to say, but I believe in true love Maura, in finding the one person you were meant to share your life with.”
“Soul mates,” Maura breathed, pressing her forehead to Jane’s.
“Exactly!” Jane exclaimed, “Wait, you believe I soul mates, Miss show me the study and then I’ll believe?”
“I didn’t used to believe in them” Maura laughed, her heart light for the first time in almost a month “then I met you. It’s kind of hard to deny the existence of soul mates when yours is sitting right beside you.”
“Damn straight” Jane muttered under her breath then once again looked searchingly into Maura’s eyes “So are you ready to take a chance with me? I can’t promise I’ll never hurt you but I can promise I’ll never do it intentionally.”
“I’m ready Jane” was Maura’s simple reply.
This time Maura initiated the kiss, pressing her lips to Jane’s with a fervor that surprised them both. As the kiss progressed Maura reveled in the sensations, the softness of Jane’s lips, the taste of her tongue in Maura’s mouth, the warmth of her hand sliding tantalizingly up Maura’s inner thigh, the breeze ruffling her hair. The breeze? Oops. They were still outside on the steps in front of Jane’s apartment.
Reluctantly Maura pulled away “Jane” she breathed. She felt Jane’s body tense and saw the wary look in her eyes as they pulled apart. She smiled at Jane to reassure her, the smile reserved for Jane alone and she could feel Jane relax. “Unless you were planning to put on a show for your neighbors maybe we should take this inside”.
Jane looked around as if just now realizing where they were and grinned back at her, “I don’t know Maur, it seems selfish to be this ridiculously happy and not share the love-so to speak.”
“Suit yourself” Maura replied leaning in as if to begin kissing Jane again, instead she placed her mouth beside Jane’s ear and whispered but what I have planned for you tonight might be awkward not to mention uncomfortable on stone steps.” She leaned back grinning wickedly at Jane.
Jane gulped, doing her best fish out of water impression, then grabbed Maura’s hand and dragged her up the stairs and into the building.