Holy back from the dead, Batman.
"I'll tell you what: If that's a line I can cross, once I get there, I'm not ever leaving..."
That line has kind of been haunting me. It makes me think of Dave. I can't decide if I think it's true or not. We crossed the friendship line almost 5 years ago now...can you ever leave once you cross that line? Are me and Dave ever going to be just friends? I mean...we are now, but sometimes I can't see myself with anyone else but him for the rest of my life. I try to look down the road and all I can see is the two of us getting back together again, at some point, whenever it is.
RockSolidGURL (1:01:47 AM): it's getting really depressing for me
RockSolidGURL (1:01:54 AM): ha
BriDMB798 (1:01:57 AM): aww really :-(?
RockSolidGURL (1:02:01 AM): i mean...not really. i'm not depressed
RockSolidGURL (1:02:05 AM): but like
BriDMB798 (1:02:06 AM): yeah i know what u mean
RockSolidGURL (1:02:12 AM): i feel like everywhere i look people are in love
BriDMB798 (1:02:19 AM): like who?
BriDMB798 (1:02:21 AM): kel and mike?
RockSolidGURL (1:02:25 AM): and i just...want something to make me believe that i can be okay without dave.
BriDMB798 (1:02:31 AM): yeah i know what u mean
RockSolidGURL (1:02:35 AM): ya know? because i feel like he's fine.
RockSolidGURL (1:02:44 AM): not that i'm pining for him, cause it's not that
BriDMB798 (1:02:46 AM): yeah
RockSolidGURL (1:02:47 AM): it's just like
RockSolidGURL (1:02:54 AM): am i ever gonna know a person like i know him?
BriDMB798 (1:02:54 AM): you just need to know that it can happen with somebody else
BriDMB798 (1:02:58 AM): exactly
So yea...that's how I kind of feel about Dave right now. I don't particularly want him back. It doesn't feel like after freshman year, when I just wanted him back, and it ached in my heart, and I couldn't be near him without thinking about it. Actually, being friends with him has been really great. We've had fun. And I feel okay with him. But I still feel like it's hard to imagine myself with anyone else. And like I'm kind of...waiting for it to hit him or me again. I don't know. It's all very confusing. Because then there's what happened yesterday.
Yesterday I gave Fraser, my co-counselor this past week (while Kristen was on vacation) a ride home from camp. He lives in Easton. We've had sexual tension and flirtiness all week, but it was kind of freaking me out because he's only 16 (he turns 17 next month, September 11th.) And so yea...here I am, at his house, and his parents aren't home. He shows me around and stuff, and I can kind of guess that he's trying to get something to happen, because he keeps tickling me and touching me and the like. So I'm half avoiding it because he's so young and all that, but finally we get in a semi-wrestling match over my sunglasses when I'm about to leave, and I just stop caring and we start kissing. And the kissing is good. So oy, I made out with a 16 year old. Does that make me creepy? I don't really care, because he's hysterically funny, and plays 3 instruments, and sings to boot. He has long hair, which I've never really liked on boys, but somehow on him, it works out. And he has beautiful slate blue eyes. He's just fun and I felt cared about for the first time in forever when he looked into my eyes. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a tool for thinking things like that, but it's how I feel. And it's weird. It feels nice. And now I've spent the last hour thinking about this kid and it's freaking me out that I am thinking about him. He's on vacation in Idaho for 2 weeks, and I'm leaving for college in less than one. I'm probably never going to see him again. Oy. And I don't know his cell phone number. But he's like...in my head. Rawr! It's probably just infatuation. And like...giddyness over the first kissing I've had in a while, that's made me feel like this. Well...maybe I'm lying. Did I feel this way the first time after Steve and I kissed? That was only like...a month ago. But let's see, that was drunk kissing. This wasn't. I don't know. I'm all confused and probably just being stupid. But I had to bring this journal back from the dead, because I had a lot on my mind. I'm going to leave the journal with this thought from the same convo as above:
RockSolidGURL (1:08:52 AM): right now i just want closeness
RockSolidGURL (1:08:57 AM): and to be able to just lay with someone
RockSolidGURL (1:09:00 AM): watch a movie
RockSolidGURL (1:09:03 AM): be comfortable
RockSolidGURL (1:09:09 AM): get a hug when i want one
RockSolidGURL (1:09:14 AM): a forehead kiss, perhaps
RockSolidGURL (1:09:20 AM): and i want to feel cared about.
My icon is being very true right now.
That line has kind of been haunting me. It makes me think of Dave. I can't decide if I think it's true or not. We crossed the friendship line almost 5 years ago now...can you ever leave once you cross that line? Are me and Dave ever going to be just friends? I mean...we are now, but sometimes I can't see myself with anyone else but him for the rest of my life. I try to look down the road and all I can see is the two of us getting back together again, at some point, whenever it is.
RockSolidGURL (1:01:47 AM): it's getting really depressing for me
RockSolidGURL (1:01:54 AM): ha
BriDMB798 (1:01:57 AM): aww really :-(?
RockSolidGURL (1:02:01 AM): i mean...not really. i'm not depressed
RockSolidGURL (1:02:05 AM): but like
BriDMB798 (1:02:06 AM): yeah i know what u mean
RockSolidGURL (1:02:12 AM): i feel like everywhere i look people are in love
BriDMB798 (1:02:19 AM): like who?
BriDMB798 (1:02:21 AM): kel and mike?
RockSolidGURL (1:02:25 AM): and i just...want something to make me believe that i can be okay without dave.
BriDMB798 (1:02:31 AM): yeah i know what u mean
RockSolidGURL (1:02:35 AM): ya know? because i feel like he's fine.
RockSolidGURL (1:02:44 AM): not that i'm pining for him, cause it's not that
BriDMB798 (1:02:46 AM): yeah
RockSolidGURL (1:02:47 AM): it's just like
RockSolidGURL (1:02:54 AM): am i ever gonna know a person like i know him?
BriDMB798 (1:02:54 AM): you just need to know that it can happen with somebody else
BriDMB798 (1:02:58 AM): exactly
So yea...that's how I kind of feel about Dave right now. I don't particularly want him back. It doesn't feel like after freshman year, when I just wanted him back, and it ached in my heart, and I couldn't be near him without thinking about it. Actually, being friends with him has been really great. We've had fun. And I feel okay with him. But I still feel like it's hard to imagine myself with anyone else. And like I'm kind of...waiting for it to hit him or me again. I don't know. It's all very confusing. Because then there's what happened yesterday.
Yesterday I gave Fraser, my co-counselor this past week (while Kristen was on vacation) a ride home from camp. He lives in Easton. We've had sexual tension and flirtiness all week, but it was kind of freaking me out because he's only 16 (he turns 17 next month, September 11th.) And so yea...here I am, at his house, and his parents aren't home. He shows me around and stuff, and I can kind of guess that he's trying to get something to happen, because he keeps tickling me and touching me and the like. So I'm half avoiding it because he's so young and all that, but finally we get in a semi-wrestling match over my sunglasses when I'm about to leave, and I just stop caring and we start kissing. And the kissing is good. So oy, I made out with a 16 year old. Does that make me creepy? I don't really care, because he's hysterically funny, and plays 3 instruments, and sings to boot. He has long hair, which I've never really liked on boys, but somehow on him, it works out. And he has beautiful slate blue eyes. He's just fun and I felt cared about for the first time in forever when he looked into my eyes. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a tool for thinking things like that, but it's how I feel. And it's weird. It feels nice. And now I've spent the last hour thinking about this kid and it's freaking me out that I am thinking about him. He's on vacation in Idaho for 2 weeks, and I'm leaving for college in less than one. I'm probably never going to see him again. Oy. And I don't know his cell phone number. But he's like...in my head. Rawr! It's probably just infatuation. And like...giddyness over the first kissing I've had in a while, that's made me feel like this. Well...maybe I'm lying. Did I feel this way the first time after Steve and I kissed? That was only like...a month ago. But let's see, that was drunk kissing. This wasn't. I don't know. I'm all confused and probably just being stupid. But I had to bring this journal back from the dead, because I had a lot on my mind. I'm going to leave the journal with this thought from the same convo as above:
RockSolidGURL (1:08:52 AM): right now i just want closeness
RockSolidGURL (1:08:57 AM): and to be able to just lay with someone
RockSolidGURL (1:09:00 AM): watch a movie
RockSolidGURL (1:09:03 AM): be comfortable
RockSolidGURL (1:09:09 AM): get a hug when i want one
RockSolidGURL (1:09:14 AM): a forehead kiss, perhaps
RockSolidGURL (1:09:20 AM): and i want to feel cared about.
My icon is being very true right now.