Maybe it's the fluxuation and time of the month....
Why is it that I love the boy so damn much, but sometimes I dispize the things he does. Just the mere way he speaks to me. The tone of voice. The way he makes me feel so small. Over a picture. "Strike two on a picture" as he put it. The games that I play. How disrepsectufl I am. How he feels like he's being played for a fool. Then after me not responding to his tone and the way he spoke to me, he says he only makes things out that way for a reason. Everything he does has a purpose. How I need to watch what I do. Makes me feel like shit, like I'm nothing to him, like he's about to just say goodbye and I'll never see him again. Then when I don't want to play his games...over a FUCKING PICTURE. He decides it was all for a point. And that I'm the one to blame for everything. Why do I feel so confused right now? I never get confused when it comes to him. At least not since we've been back together officially.
What was the picture of you're asking. Me and Casey when we went to Howl=O=Scream. YEEEEEEAARRRRRSSSS AGO!
I have been very busily packing my room and cleaning up in here in preparation to move in with HIM in OUR fucking apartment. In the process of that cleaning and packing, I found one of my wallets and I needed to switch to a bigger one anyways so I did. I didn't go through all of the pictures in the photo holder. I just slid his sister's pic in the next empty slot. Well, turns out, I had that picture behind my brother's picture. Wasn't like I did it on fucking purpose! And it's not like I still care about Casey! You'd think he'd remember, seeing as he was the only person I told, about what Casey did to me. And he had the nerve to ask me if the picture held sentimental value. And why get mad about a fucking picture anyway?! I can't bring any of my fucking albums to our apartment now? I'm afraid to ask him because I don't know what he'd say! That I'd have to go through all of them each and every picture and take out the ones that would offend him? Only offend him because there's another guy in it. And it was taken WAYYYYYYYY before we got together. That's the one thing I don't understand about him. We never ever ever fight. Or at least it doesn't last more than 5 minutes. But this time...he found it, stormed in the bathroom while I was pee'ing, asked who it was, I thought he was talking about the picture of Ashley when she was litte because I had taken it out and shown her earlier---I later realized that's the whole reason he was even LOOKING at the pictures and being nosey because he THOUGHT I had something to hide to begin with--, I hadn't even pulled my pants up and I said Oh, thats my ex. He didnt even close the door, just said, im not worried, I shouldn't have even been looking through your stuff. and walked back to the living room. Then he gave me the fucking silent treatment. Like he always does because he likes acting like a little kid. Then he went into JJ's room and closed the door and everytime he'd come out, he go back in and make sure he slammed the door. He's so predictable though. Does this, the same exact way every time. Then I know when he's ready to talk, he's had enough time to think about what he wants to say and how he wants to make me feel. He comes and sits down and starts talking really low and quiet so he's not yelling at me and I can't accuse him of yelling at me. I just give up now. What's the point in fighting with him when I can't win? I tell him that all the time when we play fight and wrestle. What's the use if I can't win? It just tires me out and makes me mad. I don't like doing it. Not even when it's playing. He likes to play these mind games though. And he thinks that they work on me. He thinks he catches me. But there's nothing to catch. I just let him talk because I know he likes to hear himself talk.
Typical guy? Asshole boyfriend? Me being too sensitive?
I never feel like this though. I feel...i dunno...he told me that he didnt even want to be near me. Then switched and sat on me and tried to kiss it all away. Kiss away the way he made me feel? There is no way he felt anything about the damn picture. But he had to make me feel sooooo bad.
We layed down and everything was fine. He fell asleep, because all that talking made him tired I guess. I couldn't roll over and snuggle with him. My heart kept getting a pang. Not the kinda pang you get when you feel guilty. The kinda pang you get when your heart hurts and you feel kinda sick to be near the person that hurt it. I don't hate him. I don't not like him. And I love being near him. But last night...he just made me feel like shit and...
He accused me of cheating on him. Me of all people. The one that would give anyone up for him. The one that's stuck by his side through everything that he's been through. The one that has loved him even with all the shit he's been through and going through. My love is unconditional. Has always been unconditional. I will always love him for the rest of my life. We're planning on getting married. We're soooo close to our apartment I can feel the central heating and air. Why would he think I was cheating on him? Better question. WHEN would I have the TIME to cheat on him? Between me being home all day taking care of his dog, doing his laundry, running his errands, and then me working at night, then going to his house til the morning and starting all over. Then there's the weekends when we stay up til 5 am and sleep til noon then I go home to brush my teeth and change clothes and again take care of his dog, then return to his house or run more of his errands. Then start over again. Where would I meet guys at? And what do I do WHEN I meet a guy? Tell them that I'm picking something up for my husband. Tell everyone I'm married. Ignore perfectly nice guys because I respect and love him so much. I don't go out because I respect and love him so much. So for him to say I don't respect him and that I'm playing games and playing HIM...it breaks my heart. It has been making me cry since last night when we first started arguing. All day he's been calling me acting like nothing happened. But I can't seem to be like that. He knows something's wrong. He keeps asking what's wrong. But how am I supposed to tell him all of that? It doesn't even make sense to me.
I dunno. Maybe it's because I should be starting my period in a day or two. And I'm just emotional.
Yeah. Maybe.
What was the picture of you're asking. Me and Casey when we went to Howl=O=Scream. YEEEEEEAARRRRRSSSS AGO!
I have been very busily packing my room and cleaning up in here in preparation to move in with HIM in OUR fucking apartment. In the process of that cleaning and packing, I found one of my wallets and I needed to switch to a bigger one anyways so I did. I didn't go through all of the pictures in the photo holder. I just slid his sister's pic in the next empty slot. Well, turns out, I had that picture behind my brother's picture. Wasn't like I did it on fucking purpose! And it's not like I still care about Casey! You'd think he'd remember, seeing as he was the only person I told, about what Casey did to me. And he had the nerve to ask me if the picture held sentimental value. And why get mad about a fucking picture anyway?! I can't bring any of my fucking albums to our apartment now? I'm afraid to ask him because I don't know what he'd say! That I'd have to go through all of them each and every picture and take out the ones that would offend him? Only offend him because there's another guy in it. And it was taken WAYYYYYYYY before we got together. That's the one thing I don't understand about him. We never ever ever fight. Or at least it doesn't last more than 5 minutes. But this time...he found it, stormed in the bathroom while I was pee'ing, asked who it was, I thought he was talking about the picture of Ashley when she was litte because I had taken it out and shown her earlier---I later realized that's the whole reason he was even LOOKING at the pictures and being nosey because he THOUGHT I had something to hide to begin with--, I hadn't even pulled my pants up and I said Oh, thats my ex. He didnt even close the door, just said, im not worried, I shouldn't have even been looking through your stuff. and walked back to the living room. Then he gave me the fucking silent treatment. Like he always does because he likes acting like a little kid. Then he went into JJ's room and closed the door and everytime he'd come out, he go back in and make sure he slammed the door. He's so predictable though. Does this, the same exact way every time. Then I know when he's ready to talk, he's had enough time to think about what he wants to say and how he wants to make me feel. He comes and sits down and starts talking really low and quiet so he's not yelling at me and I can't accuse him of yelling at me. I just give up now. What's the point in fighting with him when I can't win? I tell him that all the time when we play fight and wrestle. What's the use if I can't win? It just tires me out and makes me mad. I don't like doing it. Not even when it's playing. He likes to play these mind games though. And he thinks that they work on me. He thinks he catches me. But there's nothing to catch. I just let him talk because I know he likes to hear himself talk.
Typical guy? Asshole boyfriend? Me being too sensitive?
I never feel like this though. I feel...i dunno...he told me that he didnt even want to be near me. Then switched and sat on me and tried to kiss it all away. Kiss away the way he made me feel? There is no way he felt anything about the damn picture. But he had to make me feel sooooo bad.
We layed down and everything was fine. He fell asleep, because all that talking made him tired I guess. I couldn't roll over and snuggle with him. My heart kept getting a pang. Not the kinda pang you get when you feel guilty. The kinda pang you get when your heart hurts and you feel kinda sick to be near the person that hurt it. I don't hate him. I don't not like him. And I love being near him. But last night...he just made me feel like shit and...
He accused me of cheating on him. Me of all people. The one that would give anyone up for him. The one that's stuck by his side through everything that he's been through. The one that has loved him even with all the shit he's been through and going through. My love is unconditional. Has always been unconditional. I will always love him for the rest of my life. We're planning on getting married. We're soooo close to our apartment I can feel the central heating and air. Why would he think I was cheating on him? Better question. WHEN would I have the TIME to cheat on him? Between me being home all day taking care of his dog, doing his laundry, running his errands, and then me working at night, then going to his house til the morning and starting all over. Then there's the weekends when we stay up til 5 am and sleep til noon then I go home to brush my teeth and change clothes and again take care of his dog, then return to his house or run more of his errands. Then start over again. Where would I meet guys at? And what do I do WHEN I meet a guy? Tell them that I'm picking something up for my husband. Tell everyone I'm married. Ignore perfectly nice guys because I respect and love him so much. I don't go out because I respect and love him so much. So for him to say I don't respect him and that I'm playing games and playing HIM...it breaks my heart. It has been making me cry since last night when we first started arguing. All day he's been calling me acting like nothing happened. But I can't seem to be like that. He knows something's wrong. He keeps asking what's wrong. But how am I supposed to tell him all of that? It doesn't even make sense to me.
I dunno. Maybe it's because I should be starting my period in a day or two. And I'm just emotional.
Yeah. Maybe.