Dirty Little Secrets
I'm not entirely sure how to put this, mainly because I'm not sure how I'll feel five, ten or twenty minutes from now after writing this. Please know that this is where my mind is right now, and I don't want this to impact our relationship. I'm feeling a little lost right now and when I'm with you, the feeling goes away a little. I don't know whether I'm scared or if its something else entirely but I've been thinking a lot lately about how things were back when we were friends.
I hate being miserable.
And thats what I am when your not around, or if I don't have someone else to distract me.
I'm becoming codependant, and its not a happy feeling.
Not to scare you or anything but a couple of weeks ago I found my life insurance statement. It was for $20,000. All I remember thinking was, is that it? Thats how much I'm worth?
I could have my mom pay off her debts, my schooling, even pay my landlord. Everything could be set right with $20,000.
Your never going to read this though.
I just decided not to send it.
Truth be told the mouse was right on the send button but I just couldnt do it. I wasnt strong enough.
See? Even now I can't do something for me because you might be hurt by it. Damn you. I can't even make up my own fucking mind. To send or not to send that is the question. What am I saying, Hamlets position was far worse than mine and here I am being morose?!
I am very tempted to scream and rattle this cage I'm in by doing god knows what. But I won't. Because I love you.
I'll just go on pretending everything is just fine and dandy.
"Sure go on. Break plans we had. I know friends mean a whole lot to you"
"Its okay I'll find something else to do, like sit in front of the TV for hours on end. That'll be swell.
Fuck you.
I must me a bloody masochist.
Ha! Thats what love is. Just another bloody form of masochism.
I fucking hate you for making me love you.
I hate being miserable.
And thats what I am when your not around, or if I don't have someone else to distract me.
I'm becoming codependant, and its not a happy feeling.
Not to scare you or anything but a couple of weeks ago I found my life insurance statement. It was for $20,000. All I remember thinking was, is that it? Thats how much I'm worth?
I could have my mom pay off her debts, my schooling, even pay my landlord. Everything could be set right with $20,000.
Your never going to read this though.
I just decided not to send it.
Truth be told the mouse was right on the send button but I just couldnt do it. I wasnt strong enough.
See? Even now I can't do something for me because you might be hurt by it. Damn you. I can't even make up my own fucking mind. To send or not to send that is the question. What am I saying, Hamlets position was far worse than mine and here I am being morose?!
I am very tempted to scream and rattle this cage I'm in by doing god knows what. But I won't. Because I love you.
I'll just go on pretending everything is just fine and dandy.
"Sure go on. Break plans we had. I know friends mean a whole lot to you"
"Its okay I'll find something else to do, like sit in front of the TV for hours on end. That'll be swell.
Fuck you.
I must me a bloody masochist.
Ha! Thats what love is. Just another bloody form of masochism.
I fucking hate you for making me love you.