a little fucking effort.
everyone has personal challenges in their lives, you know, getting through medical school, making differences in people's lives or acheiving some personal goal in life. mine is simply searching for motivation to do just about anything. let me tell you, motivation can be such an aggravation. sure, the ADD diagnosis and dexedrine (same thing as adderall practically) has made a significant impact on my schooling and even made my job waiting tables easier. now I go around telling everyone how "I got my shit together!" and I'm back on track on the road to success!
whatever the hell that means. it's such bullshit to think that finally getting decent grades at a community college qualifies as "getting your shit together". I mean, sure I'm going to get my associates in a short while and transfer off most likely to RIT.
it all comes down to that I'm sick of school, sick of work, sick of it all. I don't want to do a damn thing over than drown my senses in violent video games. I want to escape all my responsibilities even for just a moment. the weird thing is, nothing I've done in the last 9 months seems worth getting sick of. I mean, there are people out there who put in more hours at their jobs and spend more time studying than I do and they're doing just fine.
I don't even know.
to be honest, saying "I don't know" is possibly the most comforting thing I've said to myself in a long time. I'm can't stand all this certainty I have going for me right now because it's all I talk about work for. it's funny how abandoning all that you've worked for can make you feel better.
I just had such higher hopes for myself as a kid, which is ironic because even then, I didn't do a damn thing to get what I wanted. now that I think I have the power and motivation to do what I want, I find myself having absolutely no time. since january, I've been taking classes non-stop with a winter session class, a full-time load in the spring, a four credit class in the first half of the summer and two four credit classes in the second half. all while trying to pull 30-40 hours of work at TGI Fridays. the last 6 weeks I had to cut my hours back just to take these two damn accounting classes and the math class. I'm not even going to pass the damn math class. so here I am at the last week of my math class and I can't even convince myself to study for the final because I'm sure if I put in a decent amount of effort, I could possibly pass this class.
that's the lesson of my life, all I EVER need to do is put in a little fucking effort.
here's the thing. someone ALWAYS has it better and someone ALWAYS has it worse. it's pointless to compare yourself to those who are worse off or better off. what good does it do? think about it. if someone is worse off than you, all you feel is pity and then feel guilty for being pissed off at something that you now feel isn't that important. if someone has it better off than you, all you feel is jealousy and then get pissed at yourself for not being better off because now you feel that you can do better. what you feel right now isn't going to help anyone right this second, especially you.
but there's one thing you can get from all that shit above. perspective. think about it... again. you'll see that you're just fine because your problems may not be that big and you're freaking out for no real reason. and then you can see that you don't need to be better off because you're doing ok right now. if you really want to do better, you can work at it because it's not something you can fix right away.
so here I am looking at all that I wrote and feel completely exposed and on some level, embarassed. I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me so I delete everything I'm about to post. that's really what happens everytime I write in here and why you never see anything from me anymore. I'm not going to delete this entry this time and see where it gets me.
if anything, hopefully it'll get you somewhere.
spin me some sad story
sell me some excuse
to help me understand the things you do
'cause the way you treat your lovers
well I just can't relate
well where'd you learn to shoot your gun so straight?
whatever the hell that means. it's such bullshit to think that finally getting decent grades at a community college qualifies as "getting your shit together". I mean, sure I'm going to get my associates in a short while and transfer off most likely to RIT.
it all comes down to that I'm sick of school, sick of work, sick of it all. I don't want to do a damn thing over than drown my senses in violent video games. I want to escape all my responsibilities even for just a moment. the weird thing is, nothing I've done in the last 9 months seems worth getting sick of. I mean, there are people out there who put in more hours at their jobs and spend more time studying than I do and they're doing just fine.
I don't even know.
to be honest, saying "I don't know" is possibly the most comforting thing I've said to myself in a long time. I'm can't stand all this certainty I have going for me right now because it's all I talk about work for. it's funny how abandoning all that you've worked for can make you feel better.
I just had such higher hopes for myself as a kid, which is ironic because even then, I didn't do a damn thing to get what I wanted. now that I think I have the power and motivation to do what I want, I find myself having absolutely no time. since january, I've been taking classes non-stop with a winter session class, a full-time load in the spring, a four credit class in the first half of the summer and two four credit classes in the second half. all while trying to pull 30-40 hours of work at TGI Fridays. the last 6 weeks I had to cut my hours back just to take these two damn accounting classes and the math class. I'm not even going to pass the damn math class. so here I am at the last week of my math class and I can't even convince myself to study for the final because I'm sure if I put in a decent amount of effort, I could possibly pass this class.
that's the lesson of my life, all I EVER need to do is put in a little fucking effort.
here's the thing. someone ALWAYS has it better and someone ALWAYS has it worse. it's pointless to compare yourself to those who are worse off or better off. what good does it do? think about it. if someone is worse off than you, all you feel is pity and then feel guilty for being pissed off at something that you now feel isn't that important. if someone has it better off than you, all you feel is jealousy and then get pissed at yourself for not being better off because now you feel that you can do better. what you feel right now isn't going to help anyone right this second, especially you.
but there's one thing you can get from all that shit above. perspective. think about it... again. you'll see that you're just fine because your problems may not be that big and you're freaking out for no real reason. and then you can see that you don't need to be better off because you're doing ok right now. if you really want to do better, you can work at it because it's not something you can fix right away.
so here I am looking at all that I wrote and feel completely exposed and on some level, embarassed. I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me so I delete everything I'm about to post. that's really what happens everytime I write in here and why you never see anything from me anymore. I'm not going to delete this entry this time and see where it gets me.
if anything, hopefully it'll get you somewhere.
spin me some sad story
sell me some excuse
to help me understand the things you do
'cause the way you treat your lovers
well I just can't relate
well where'd you learn to shoot your gun so straight?