montauk
i found myself slipping again. thinking like the sappy fuck that i am. thinking i needed to talk to her. feeling like a wreck for a night, maybe i was bored. maybe i feel the way i do because im an idiot. that seems likely. i know this girl who i think about a lot. maybe one day i could think about her constantly. the level of trust doesnt seem high at all. nor does the desire to be with each other. if it was there, i think we would be near each other more. or even speak every other day or every couple of days. we look at each other and see the person we never once could have. now our pasts have erased our once open hearts and replaced them with a new beginning. so do we take the jump, do we put ourselves out there for each other. do we trust do we open up do we forget the past. do we do it all over again with someone new. will it end. will it be a worse ending then the ones before us. is it worth it. will she hurt me. will i stab her in the back. will she break my heart. will i fuck her friends. the questions are accompanied by so many others. not to mention friends around me telling me shes no good for me. were my friends ever right anyway? was i ever right about their lives? do they have a right? do i have the right to ask for their advice? i wish i wasnt so indecisive. i wish i knew what to do with my life. i hate the fact that ive been so fucking clueless for so god damn long. almost 25 years have gone by and i feel like i have no clue. i look for solutions by spilling my guts to a keyboard. thinking someone will help me make up my mind. one day ill figure it out. until then, ill wait for the first kiss to give her. the one we will both never forget.