He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Her, He Loves Me
Neal barges into his office with an epiphany about five times a day, so he doesn’t think anything of Neal approaching his desk. Neal doesn’t do nervous, though, so when his hands change position every fifteens seconds or so and Neal looks extra cheerful, Peter knows something is up, something big. His first thought is, oh shit, Neal broke a law and put someone else in danger again. He’s unprepared for, “Peter, I love you.” Just like that. Graceless and plain. And that’s what made Peter certain Neal is being serious. And that’s why he laughs, pats Neal on the shoulder, and goes to see if Jones has anything new on the McMahon case.
It’s not that Peter enjoys being cruel. He feels guilty doing it, absolutely horrible when he catches sight of Neal’s face reflected in the glass, shocked, crushed, and a little confused.
It’s more that Neal is the cruel one, confessing a thing like that when he’s gone as soon as he can get out of that anklet, whether through tampering or serving out his full four years. It’s a selfish thing to say. Neal can’t have missed how Peter feels; Peter certainly didn’t miss Neal’s feelings. Bringing it up forces Peter to do something about it, calls everything into question and demands a change. Peter can live with how things are now; he can’t fully fall in love with someone who will up and leave as soon as he gets the chance. He’s going to put forth everything he’s got to keep Neal here, but there will come a day when Neal will slip through his fingers, so he’s going to keep shooting Neal down no matter what.
Neal is persistent, though, so whatever made him say those words is going to be an issue again. Even though Neal is normal a few minutes later, acting like nothing happened, Peter keeps his eyes peeled for the return of that earlier nervousness.
When he next sees Neal’s smile waver, he becomes suddenly absorbed in paperwork. Neal walks through the door, head bowed and managing to look up at Peter even though he’s standing and Peter has his butt firmly planted on his chair and his eyes glued to text he can’t focus enough to read. “Peter.”
“You’ve met my wife, Neal?”
Neal takes the hint, smiling brilliantly. “Yes, Agent Burke, and she sure is a lucky woman.”
“Go back to work.”
But the smile slides off Neal’s face and he just stands there. Peter looks up and sees that Neal is about to try again. “No.”
“No what?”
“No whatever you were about to say.”
He wonders for a second if he’s going to get a childish rejoinder, but Neal turns his head away. “Why?”
“A thousand reasons. The least of which being that you have work to do. Get to it, Neal,” Peter says softly, trying to sound gentle but firm. From the look on Neal’s face, he managed neither.
Neal gets to it. Peter wonders if he got through to him, but doubts it.
He’s right. The drive home that night, Neal only manages murmured answers to Peter’s chatter, never speaking more than five words at a time.
Peter pulls the car to the curb. “Don’t be like this.”
Neal shoots him a scathing look. “You mean don’t be in lo-”
“I don’t know what you mean by it, Neal, but you need to stop bringing this up.”
He sees Neal grit his teeth under that wince, wonders what it means, but lets it go. When Neal still doesn’t say anything, Peter pulls back into traffic.
“What’s it hurt, Peter? For me to love you?” Neal asks as soon as Peter’s attention is fully on driving.
“Don’t be stupid. You don’t love me.” Which isn’t quite what Peter means. Neal obviously feels something for Peter, but love is what he felt for Kate and it would’ve taken him to the ends of the Earth for her. Neal doesn’t even respect Peter enough to listen when Peter tells him to drop it, and he expects Peter to accept him using the same word for what’s between them as he used for him and Kate? Unacceptable and completely untrue. Neal has a crush. You can call that love- if you’re a kid, like he sometimes suspects Neal still is. It’s strong, and he can see it’s hurting Neal to be rejected, but this is something he can nip in the bud, something that won’t grow despite adversity.
“What do you call it, then? What you feel for me?”
“An inconvenience that shouldn’t be allowed to fester.”
Neal raises his chin, looking like a defiant child, and announces, “I don’t believe you.”
“Then believe this: I don’t do things halfway. I don’t cut out when it’s convenient or when things get tough. Everything I do, my career, my marriage, required hard work and I won’t give any of it up without a fight. Don’t start something when you don’t even know what you’re dealing with.”
Neal smirks, like he’s finally understood something. He settles back into his seat, looking content, settled, for the first time since he said the L word. It’s not like the heartbreak has been wiped off his face, it’s like it’s gone completely. Peter is confident he won’t hear about this crush again.
And he doesn’t, not for years. Not until Neal has served his time and is free to go anywhere he wants. He proves that anywhere he wants is right by Peter. “Not,” he tells Peter the next time he confesses, “that I won’t be seeing other places. But I don’t want anyone else.”
Peter, who has had two years and a day to mull this over, and realize just how deep this river runs despite being anything but still, says, “You better want Elizabeth, too, she doesn’t take kindly to being left out.”
Thank you to photoash for her super fast beta of awesomeness! All remaining mistakes are mine.
It’s not that Peter enjoys being cruel. He feels guilty doing it, absolutely horrible when he catches sight of Neal’s face reflected in the glass, shocked, crushed, and a little confused.
It’s more that Neal is the cruel one, confessing a thing like that when he’s gone as soon as he can get out of that anklet, whether through tampering or serving out his full four years. It’s a selfish thing to say. Neal can’t have missed how Peter feels; Peter certainly didn’t miss Neal’s feelings. Bringing it up forces Peter to do something about it, calls everything into question and demands a change. Peter can live with how things are now; he can’t fully fall in love with someone who will up and leave as soon as he gets the chance. He’s going to put forth everything he’s got to keep Neal here, but there will come a day when Neal will slip through his fingers, so he’s going to keep shooting Neal down no matter what.
Neal is persistent, though, so whatever made him say those words is going to be an issue again. Even though Neal is normal a few minutes later, acting like nothing happened, Peter keeps his eyes peeled for the return of that earlier nervousness.
When he next sees Neal’s smile waver, he becomes suddenly absorbed in paperwork. Neal walks through the door, head bowed and managing to look up at Peter even though he’s standing and Peter has his butt firmly planted on his chair and his eyes glued to text he can’t focus enough to read. “Peter.”
“You’ve met my wife, Neal?”
Neal takes the hint, smiling brilliantly. “Yes, Agent Burke, and she sure is a lucky woman.”
“Go back to work.”
But the smile slides off Neal’s face and he just stands there. Peter looks up and sees that Neal is about to try again. “No.”
“No what?”
“No whatever you were about to say.”
He wonders for a second if he’s going to get a childish rejoinder, but Neal turns his head away. “Why?”
“A thousand reasons. The least of which being that you have work to do. Get to it, Neal,” Peter says softly, trying to sound gentle but firm. From the look on Neal’s face, he managed neither.
Neal gets to it. Peter wonders if he got through to him, but doubts it.
He’s right. The drive home that night, Neal only manages murmured answers to Peter’s chatter, never speaking more than five words at a time.
Peter pulls the car to the curb. “Don’t be like this.”
Neal shoots him a scathing look. “You mean don’t be in lo-”
“I don’t know what you mean by it, Neal, but you need to stop bringing this up.”
He sees Neal grit his teeth under that wince, wonders what it means, but lets it go. When Neal still doesn’t say anything, Peter pulls back into traffic.
“What’s it hurt, Peter? For me to love you?” Neal asks as soon as Peter’s attention is fully on driving.
“Don’t be stupid. You don’t love me.” Which isn’t quite what Peter means. Neal obviously feels something for Peter, but love is what he felt for Kate and it would’ve taken him to the ends of the Earth for her. Neal doesn’t even respect Peter enough to listen when Peter tells him to drop it, and he expects Peter to accept him using the same word for what’s between them as he used for him and Kate? Unacceptable and completely untrue. Neal has a crush. You can call that love- if you’re a kid, like he sometimes suspects Neal still is. It’s strong, and he can see it’s hurting Neal to be rejected, but this is something he can nip in the bud, something that won’t grow despite adversity.
“What do you call it, then? What you feel for me?”
“An inconvenience that shouldn’t be allowed to fester.”
Neal raises his chin, looking like a defiant child, and announces, “I don’t believe you.”
“Then believe this: I don’t do things halfway. I don’t cut out when it’s convenient or when things get tough. Everything I do, my career, my marriage, required hard work and I won’t give any of it up without a fight. Don’t start something when you don’t even know what you’re dealing with.”
Neal smirks, like he’s finally understood something. He settles back into his seat, looking content, settled, for the first time since he said the L word. It’s not like the heartbreak has been wiped off his face, it’s like it’s gone completely. Peter is confident he won’t hear about this crush again.
And he doesn’t, not for years. Not until Neal has served his time and is free to go anywhere he wants. He proves that anywhere he wants is right by Peter. “Not,” he tells Peter the next time he confesses, “that I won’t be seeing other places. But I don’t want anyone else.”
Peter, who has had two years and a day to mull this over, and realize just how deep this river runs despite being anything but still, says, “You better want Elizabeth, too, she doesn’t take kindly to being left out.”
Thank you to photoash for her super fast beta of awesomeness! All remaining mistakes are mine.