where pip finds herself in a sea of feeling-sorry-for-herself:
I'm going to Tyler's house later today, in the morning. My school's got a five-day weekend, Thursday-Monday off, so I'll be there. My dad gave me a heartfelt little talk last night about how he never gets to spend time with me anymore, and I feel bad, but we're just not a close family; we never have been. My dad and I talked a decent amount for awhile, but that was when I was working, that was on the drives home he'd give me. I'm not working, I go into Regina (generally, not later this morning) with Amanda or a friend, and I don't see them most of the weekend. I'm at home all week, though. My dad says they never see me because I'm in my room whenever I'm home during the week (not true, but close enough). My argument is that should I spend the weekend at home, I'll be doing just the same thing. My family is not close, as I said. My mother gets pissy if my dad buzzes around her too much, and we don't all sit in the living room chatting very often at all - not because we're all unavailable and off doing our own thing, but, well generally my mother'll end up turning the telly up which kind of ends the conversation(s). I'm not pinning this all on her, we weren't really close to begin with as I've said a couple of times now.
The thing is, my brother's off to university. Every Friday afternoon/evening, and every late Sunday or early Monday morning, someone picks him up (he lives in residence at the U of R) from school, takes him back to my house, he spends the weekend here, and someone takes him back to school come the end of the weekend. It isn't by any means that my parents don't like him, they certainly do (he's the higher achiever after all, who asks less of them and doesn't have the lame drama of teenagedom following him around), but I think it kinda gets to them that they're chauferring their 19 year old son to school and back because he doesn't want to spend the weekend alone. The one that shouldn't be home, is home, and me, the one that's meant to still be at home, goes away for weekends. What a mess we've made.
I don't really know what to do I guess. I'm whiny because I love spending time at Tyler's house, even if we don't ever do anything. I don't see him during the week at all, so it all gets lumped together over the weekend. I don't mind this, nor do I particularly mind sitting around while he's at work over the weekend. I like being there. I like knowing that he'll come home in the evening and tell me how work was and tell all his silly stories about the guys he works with, and this and that. I don't mind being at home (when we're all getting along, but that's a whole different lj-cut >.>' ), but nobody really interacts more than they have to. My mother watches tv, or reads. I sit on here, or I sleep. My dad.. well he does this and that. And to be honest it doesn't really sound fulfilling. It sounds like a bunch of strangers living together, saying what they have to to each other to get through the day civilly, chatting here and there about what's going on in their lives, but never really elaborating or getting a chance to, that sort of thing. But it's all right. I'm used to it, it's how things go.
I guess it's the whole "growing up" thing. My brother's off to university, whether or not he's coming home all the flipping time (to me it's not really like he's gone, he holed up in his room on his computer, and I holed up on mine for the last how-long that he was living here, anyway. I didn't chat a whole lot to him either. I probably talk to him more now, online, than I did in person. Depressing?), and I'm the kid they have left. Dad's are meant to get all emotional about that anyway, my friend's dad, now that it's her graduating year, constantly brings up all these little memories of when she was younger of this or that. My dad's bringing up how little time we spend together. We wouldn't be doing anything were I to stay here, at my house, on the weekends anyway, I say. I dunno, there just isn't a lot to say to each other, we go in circles. I whine about university. We talk about his job, or potential jobs. Relationshippy stuff. This and that (the phrase of the night, evidently.). It's just been awhile since we've talked about anything.
Maybe we'll have a good old talk later this morning on our way into Regina. A lot of the time I just feel inferior, anyway. He isn't a bad guy, rude, intimidating, at all! He's a wonderful nice man. But I guess just knowing that I'm the teenager and I know so much less and I'm probably missing perspectives and information all over the place, anything I say would look uneducated and not interesting at all to a guy of his intelligence (and he is a very smart person). My brother and him, when they talk they talk about all this scientific junk that I don't know anything about, I can't even give examples. Sciencey stuff. Genetic stuff, mostly. I don't know. He's the informed one. I have opinions, sure, but I have no kind of actual information to back any of it up. And you know, that can be okay, there doesn't have to be anything wrong with that. But I've never got anything to say that isn't me-me-me-me-me. Not a conceited mememememe, but my future, or my classes at school, that stuff. I don't know enough about politics or all the war business going on, I don't know anything about genetics, that's for sure. What do I like? I like English. I don't know anything about the great poets and authors of the past, and I just have nothing to contribute. I can talk, sure. I can talk but it's all general, generic, obvious stuff that's time wasting to talk about really, because we all know all of it already. Going back to the beginning of this paragraph, it's that being younger and not having all the knowledge you gain throughout your life, I feel like I don't have anything really to contribute. Maybe a fresh perspective from a younger person would be helpful, but like I said, knowing nothing about, well, anything.. kinda kills the cause of that.
I'm not shorting myself on credit in anyway. Look at this journal! Look at my caleida! There is nothing in there. It is blabber, it is one word sentences pertaining to nothing of interest to anyone. It's depressing. If I had anything strong to talk about, I would talk about it, I suppose. Christ. I have decent marks in school because I can remember vocabulary and textbook junk. This is about to go in an entirely different direction, so I'll wrap this up before it becomes paragraphs upon paragraphs. No one's making you read this, anyway. That's why most/all of you will skim over or skip this altogether. Don't bother clicking the ljcut link to begin with, pals. I'm just wallowing in pity for myself. Cheer up, buttercup.
Substance, substance. I've got nothing.
We had a Rememberance Day ceremony at school Wednesday morning. It was good. Everybody whines about them but it's a good cause, you assholes. Show a little respect. The guys behind me couldn't find anything better to do with the hour or so than make fun of a girl wearing a suit (formal dress was to be worn), or the ILP boy who was being a bit loud. Big fucking deal, the world's bigger than clothes you don't like and people you wouldn't dare associate with for fear of being judged. Hypocrites~~. I'm just as bad, I'm judging them and I don't talk to those boys ever. Look at me, I have to blog about how it bothered me, I couldn't turn around and tell them to be nice people at least until the end of the ceremony.
I'm getting rambly. That's my bad. Have a good week, everybody.