Ready to leave
I was writing an email to Natalie a few minuets ago when I realized that I don't consider this place home anymore. Or at least it doesn't feel like home. I'm still not used to not having my mom or my two littlest brothers around. My dad's been great though, but he's hard to live with at times. He's perfect, or at least he seems to think so, and he expects everyone else to be perfect too, perfect by doing exactly what he thinks is right. He keeps giving me a hard time, guilting me that he's working hard to help me through college, and I know that he really is, but he acts like it's purely an investment and doesn't think I'll make any money when I get out of school. College isn't just about your major, it's also about learning to think for yourself and about the experiences. There are times when I wonder if he's right though, like I'm needlessly pursuing this major that will be a waste. He didn't leave me alone about my major until I got my portfolio review from SIU and told him that out not only was I one of the 23 allowed to continue in the major out of 40 something people, but I also recieved the 4th highest score out of those 23 people. Even then, that's only enough until I get to school. Once I'm there I have to schedule an appointment with a guidence councelor and ask to get information about the starting yearly salleries of graduating photographers from SIU. I could care less about money. If I had things my way I think I might just go find a monestary and live like a monk. Or have a low paying job writing poetry or living on a piece of land where I grow my own food. I like photography, but even that is my compramise so that my dad won't worry about me. I should be able to be happy doing anything, but I couldn't bring myself to be a home inspector like my dad is. He needs the high paying job to support a family, but I don't think I'll ever have one. Well... maybe some day, but I won't be ready for a while. And by then, I'll have gotten my feet wet in the world and I'll have a more stable income.
I'm getting too old, I miss my childhood. I wish I could go back to the days where my biggest concern was about some girl I liked. In anycase, I'm ready to go back to SIU. There's nothing here for me except a supply of money to help me out until I can afford to live on my own. It makes me sad to think that this is what our world is turning the family into. I don't really blame our culture or society or anyting like that. I blame it on individual people's lack of understanding in the subject of love. My mother loves me in attitude, but not in action, my father loves me in action, but not in attitude. I find the most pure and real love comes from my friends, they are my family.
I was talking to Sara earlier about writing journals and then not posting them. I used to write journals entries and delete them instead of posting them or I would change the content of the journal because I knew people would be reading it. But I guess the reason I stopped doing that is because this is who I am at this moment, this is how I feel, I'm not trying to make people read it, but I'm not going to try and hide it either. I can't hope to change myself in the future unless I accept who I am at this moment and I can't accept who I am at this moment if I hide anything from the world. "I want my portrait painted, moles and all"
I'm getting too old, I miss my childhood. I wish I could go back to the days where my biggest concern was about some girl I liked. In anycase, I'm ready to go back to SIU. There's nothing here for me except a supply of money to help me out until I can afford to live on my own. It makes me sad to think that this is what our world is turning the family into. I don't really blame our culture or society or anyting like that. I blame it on individual people's lack of understanding in the subject of love. My mother loves me in attitude, but not in action, my father loves me in action, but not in attitude. I find the most pure and real love comes from my friends, they are my family.
I was talking to Sara earlier about writing journals and then not posting them. I used to write journals entries and delete them instead of posting them or I would change the content of the journal because I knew people would be reading it. But I guess the reason I stopped doing that is because this is who I am at this moment, this is how I feel, I'm not trying to make people read it, but I'm not going to try and hide it either. I can't hope to change myself in the future unless I accept who I am at this moment and I can't accept who I am at this moment if I hide anything from the world. "I want my portrait painted, moles and all"