Random thoughts and feelings
I am gonna go a lil' bit chauotic with this entry, so bear with me.
Music speaks my emotions when I cant put them into my own words. I've tried so hard this past month to scrap up my dignity and learn from my lifes mishaps and shortcomings. All in all this year has been a strange one. All the things I wish I could forget and forgive and just move on from, I find myself at a loss of words on what I can say or do about whats happened in my life.Never judge another person is my advice to all, because you know what you will fuck up just as bad or even worse. Especially if you are afriend to someone, and you judge them, or say you wont ever, and then backstab them. That my friend hurts, and no amount of "I'm sorry's" or" I was just pist, I didn't mean it" will ever fix it. Because after you say those words to that person or in reference to something that person's done, you've over stepped your line and you have damaged that friendship beyond repair. I've accepted that person's I'm sorry's, and the "I was just pist off" excuses, but deep down I know they aren't sorry, because they wouldn't have said it to the degree that they did. It hurt me, and made me truly see just what kind of person he/she is. ...onto another thought.. a good friend of mine said "you arent in love with him, you are in love with the thougth of being with him" and she was right on the head of the nail with that. Because I am not in love with him, I am in love with the thought of wanting to be with him. We've been friends for sometime, dating didn't work out for us,but we've remained close. He can be a bit impulsive and we've over come alot recently, Tested our bond to the fullest,and came out battered and bruised but both shining on the top.Seeing myself 14 when I met him in the 800 gym after cheer practice, and looking at myself and him now when we meet each time, I see all the changes, both physically and mentally that we've gone through. I wish I could turn back time and take back some of the things I've said to him, but I know I said them for a reason, because in the end it made us both grow up and realize just what we are and what we mean to eachother. I'll never share the same moment with anyone else, I'll never see someone cry with me, just because it was killing me on the inside and he could feel it....another thought.... Family family..family... Family I wish I could express how important it is, alot of people hate their families, I have my problems with my own, and I am disappointed in them at times, because they think of themseleves alot and I always get blamed for everything and I always am the scapegoat. A simple thank you now and then would be nice, but you know beggars cant be choosers. I grew up with out my mother here on this earth in physical form, spirtual she always is here, but my father,I love him dearly he's my own blood but He needs to mature more. He doesn't seem to understand or have his prioritys in order. He's got three kids, he doesnt have any of us living with him in his own house. My brother, thats a lost cause, I am so worried he's gonna be like my own dad. My sister, needs guidance now that shes almost in her teens, and me, well I dunno what I need. I want my family to live together. I want to come home for once to a mom, a dad, and my siblings. I dont want secrets or lies or fakness. I hate it, I hate lies, fakeness, and secrets. They dont' solve anything. How can a so called household be built upon decite? I am not complaining so dont think I am looking for a pity party, because I dont want a pity party, I am just sharing that no one realizes jsut how much they need their family, despite how much they are pricks or innconsiderate ass's...As much as they may be impulsive and want to run your life, you learn to love them for it in a sick twisted way, and deep down if anyone ever tried to hurt them you know you would fight back for your family. ... I miss my other half.. I miss her so much... she lives in PA, shes been my best friend since forever ago basically. She understands me unconditionally and although we both feel helpless to eachother when somethinghappens to one another. We both couldnt live without oneanother's shoulder to lean on. They say two minds are better than one, I say one heart and soul can mend another's...I do not know the point of this entry and I do not know who will read it and leave a comment but feel free to, I feel better that I just wrote my thoughts and feelings down, I think I may make more entries like this..
... every time I turn around.. when I am lost and when I am found.. Like an angel standing guard there you are.. Everytime I take a breath and when I forget to breathe, youre watching over me, there you are.. when Im looking for the light in the middle of the night, searching for the brightest star...there you are...
Music speaks my emotions when I cant put them into my own words. I've tried so hard this past month to scrap up my dignity and learn from my lifes mishaps and shortcomings. All in all this year has been a strange one. All the things I wish I could forget and forgive and just move on from, I find myself at a loss of words on what I can say or do about whats happened in my life.Never judge another person is my advice to all, because you know what you will fuck up just as bad or even worse. Especially if you are afriend to someone, and you judge them, or say you wont ever, and then backstab them. That my friend hurts, and no amount of "I'm sorry's" or" I was just pist, I didn't mean it" will ever fix it. Because after you say those words to that person or in reference to something that person's done, you've over stepped your line and you have damaged that friendship beyond repair. I've accepted that person's I'm sorry's, and the "I was just pist off" excuses, but deep down I know they aren't sorry, because they wouldn't have said it to the degree that they did. It hurt me, and made me truly see just what kind of person he/she is. ...onto another thought.. a good friend of mine said "you arent in love with him, you are in love with the thougth of being with him" and she was right on the head of the nail with that. Because I am not in love with him, I am in love with the thought of wanting to be with him. We've been friends for sometime, dating didn't work out for us,but we've remained close. He can be a bit impulsive and we've over come alot recently, Tested our bond to the fullest,and came out battered and bruised but both shining on the top.Seeing myself 14 when I met him in the 800 gym after cheer practice, and looking at myself and him now when we meet each time, I see all the changes, both physically and mentally that we've gone through. I wish I could turn back time and take back some of the things I've said to him, but I know I said them for a reason, because in the end it made us both grow up and realize just what we are and what we mean to eachother. I'll never share the same moment with anyone else, I'll never see someone cry with me, just because it was killing me on the inside and he could feel it....another thought.... Family family..family... Family I wish I could express how important it is, alot of people hate their families, I have my problems with my own, and I am disappointed in them at times, because they think of themseleves alot and I always get blamed for everything and I always am the scapegoat. A simple thank you now and then would be nice, but you know beggars cant be choosers. I grew up with out my mother here on this earth in physical form, spirtual she always is here, but my father,I love him dearly he's my own blood but He needs to mature more. He doesn't seem to understand or have his prioritys in order. He's got three kids, he doesnt have any of us living with him in his own house. My brother, thats a lost cause, I am so worried he's gonna be like my own dad. My sister, needs guidance now that shes almost in her teens, and me, well I dunno what I need. I want my family to live together. I want to come home for once to a mom, a dad, and my siblings. I dont want secrets or lies or fakness. I hate it, I hate lies, fakeness, and secrets. They dont' solve anything. How can a so called household be built upon decite? I am not complaining so dont think I am looking for a pity party, because I dont want a pity party, I am just sharing that no one realizes jsut how much they need their family, despite how much they are pricks or innconsiderate ass's...As much as they may be impulsive and want to run your life, you learn to love them for it in a sick twisted way, and deep down if anyone ever tried to hurt them you know you would fight back for your family. ... I miss my other half.. I miss her so much... she lives in PA, shes been my best friend since forever ago basically. She understands me unconditionally and although we both feel helpless to eachother when somethinghappens to one another. We both couldnt live without oneanother's shoulder to lean on. They say two minds are better than one, I say one heart and soul can mend another's...I do not know the point of this entry and I do not know who will read it and leave a comment but feel free to, I feel better that I just wrote my thoughts and feelings down, I think I may make more entries like this..
... every time I turn around.. when I am lost and when I am found.. Like an angel standing guard there you are.. Everytime I take a breath and when I forget to breathe, youre watching over me, there you are.. when Im looking for the light in the middle of the night, searching for the brightest star...there you are...