Another day...
Not much to report today. I'm just... living. Still trying to get my motivation back. My doctor explained that there is this pill she wants me to be on, but it's $4 per pill, so I can't afford it without any health care. It blows ballz. I want to sew, but I have no fabric and lace. I want to craft with polymer clay, but there's so much dust in the house I need an air filter. I want to draw, but I can't seem to stop getting blurred vision and depressed when I start. Hopefully things get better soon. I really really hope they do. I am still not well enough to be out on my own, and as easy as it is for people to tell me to get a temporary job, no one understands that I get a panic attack if I am left on my own for minutes to hours. I pity the people who do not understand because they don't want to. To the ones that do understand I find a trust in them I can lean on.
On the productive side I have occupied myself with cooking and baking. Which is enough for now. Surfing on Threadbanger.com (which I have recently discovered), Burdastyle.com, and posting on Kinsaki.com have all helped to pass the time during the day. I still feel like there is a dark cloud looming over me. Hopefully it will lift one day when someone shows me how. I want to be well soon and faster, but everyone tells me that I need to take my time. It's been years since I have fought with this... how much more time? I want to do things, but the things that I want to do all cost money (Pole dance classes for one thing because of the fitness and self esteem int brought me).
I don't even have any in person friends who are of like mind that understand my disorder. I've found some people that say they understand (the type that think they understand because they did a college course on Psychology, ya, you know "that" type), but I was disappointed when I realized they truly did not.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will see a brighter day as we go out and about to run our errands. We also need to come up with $150 by Wednesday to forgo a hearing because the landlord put in for a court date that we hadn;t paid rent, when we actually did, and it's just bogus bullshit. I have a feeling the landlord is going to be yelled at again by the courts for wasting their time. Apparently it happens all the time with a lot of people who rent from that company.
I hope Batz gets work soon too. I want him to get that call that he got into the TTC process. It's really very important. I just don't want the time to go by and suddenly we can't pay rent or any of our bills. I want a job, but I am physically and mentally incapable. I want to help, but I don't know how. I feel trapped in my own body.
I am happy that I haven't contemplated suicide for several months now. That is a good thing. Although it still feels like some bad thing can't seem to leave me alone. I am a happy person at heart. I know this, but it's hard to see the rest of me drowning in a sea of mental depression and sorrow.
No one can help me right now. No one can help us, especially financially. If we put in for a rent bank or any assistance it would take months still before any help would reach us. There are no temporary jobs that are safe and no agencies that help people to stay in good standing in sociaty. This is a beautiful world with beautiful people, but it is also a world filled with caste systems and lead by those who do not wish the downtrod to rise above their surroundings and better themselves, for fear they might be their next door neighbour.
Ah what to do, and now I ramble.
Everyone tells me not to worry, but how can I not worry when everyone still talks about their troubles, or because I can't help but dwell on the troubles and hardships that affect my very means of living? I can't crawl in a hole, I can't put on rose coloured glasses, and I can't give a helping hand to even myself.
I am trapped.
On the productive side I have occupied myself with cooking and baking. Which is enough for now. Surfing on Threadbanger.com (which I have recently discovered), Burdastyle.com, and posting on Kinsaki.com have all helped to pass the time during the day. I still feel like there is a dark cloud looming over me. Hopefully it will lift one day when someone shows me how. I want to be well soon and faster, but everyone tells me that I need to take my time. It's been years since I have fought with this... how much more time? I want to do things, but the things that I want to do all cost money (Pole dance classes for one thing because of the fitness and self esteem int brought me).
I don't even have any in person friends who are of like mind that understand my disorder. I've found some people that say they understand (the type that think they understand because they did a college course on Psychology, ya, you know "that" type), but I was disappointed when I realized they truly did not.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will see a brighter day as we go out and about to run our errands. We also need to come up with $150 by Wednesday to forgo a hearing because the landlord put in for a court date that we hadn;t paid rent, when we actually did, and it's just bogus bullshit. I have a feeling the landlord is going to be yelled at again by the courts for wasting their time. Apparently it happens all the time with a lot of people who rent from that company.
I hope Batz gets work soon too. I want him to get that call that he got into the TTC process. It's really very important. I just don't want the time to go by and suddenly we can't pay rent or any of our bills. I want a job, but I am physically and mentally incapable. I want to help, but I don't know how. I feel trapped in my own body.
I am happy that I haven't contemplated suicide for several months now. That is a good thing. Although it still feels like some bad thing can't seem to leave me alone. I am a happy person at heart. I know this, but it's hard to see the rest of me drowning in a sea of mental depression and sorrow.
No one can help me right now. No one can help us, especially financially. If we put in for a rent bank or any assistance it would take months still before any help would reach us. There are no temporary jobs that are safe and no agencies that help people to stay in good standing in sociaty. This is a beautiful world with beautiful people, but it is also a world filled with caste systems and lead by those who do not wish the downtrod to rise above their surroundings and better themselves, for fear they might be their next door neighbour.
Ah what to do, and now I ramble.
Everyone tells me not to worry, but how can I not worry when everyone still talks about their troubles, or because I can't help but dwell on the troubles and hardships that affect my very means of living? I can't crawl in a hole, I can't put on rose coloured glasses, and I can't give a helping hand to even myself.
I am trapped.