Urban Living; or, "How not to buy a couch"
So, Anna's plan for reconciling herself to an unexpectedly long sojourn in DC involves extensive redecorating. We've been living for the past several years under the presumption that we could pack up at any time, so we've somewhat left our apartment a bit below standards out of a hesitancy to throw money away on nice things that'll only be discarded. But, since she'll be here for a while against her preference, Anna's come to decision that its time to make the place a home. If one can't leave the way they want, they can at least live they way they'd like, no? To that end, we've converted the junk room to a study, new wardrobe and dresser are on their way, we've installed ceiling-height shelving units to swish all our things away out of sight, and as a crowing gem we bought our first "real," made-to-last, quasi-expensive sofa.
We picked it up today. Its nice...super-comfy, and a far-and-away improvement over the utilitarian Ikea futon-ish job we've been sitting until now.
Getting it to our place: Easy. Rent a Flexcar, load it up ship it home.
Getting it into our building: Tough. Its a heavy bugger, and we ding it on the door a few times as we struggle to handle the load. A bystander from the local halfway house sees us struggling to get it in the door, and offers to help. The couch gathers a few small scrapes, but its inside soon and we'll heaving it up the stairs.
Getting it up the first flight of stairs: Tougher. We hadn't noticed before, but the couch is pretty wide and DC's rowhouses tend to have narrow stairwells. Its not getting any lighter, either. Sam (the guy from the halfway house), Anna and I manage to get it up the first set of stairs without too excessively much damage to the couch or the stairwell's walls.
Rounding the corners between stairwells: Easier. We have to strain to tip the couch vertically so that it can round the corner, and get a few bumps on the lower spots of the ceiling. The couch is looking a bit in rough shape, but its nothing that can't be covered up.
Getting it into our apartment door: Impossible. We bang, twist, push, scrape, heave, and strain, but it ain't going in. We measured the door, so we know it technically fits, but we can't seem to get it at the right angle. Maybe if we try it from the other side? Sam, Anna, and I take it all the way down to the bottom floor (earning a few more scrapes), turn it around heave it back up the stairs (bang, scrape), and try to squeeze it in that way. Almost....if only we could get another half inch. The door frame is about an inch or so, maybe if we take that off? Nope, we're still a little short even after screwing with the door, but we sure did make a mess trying.
Backing it into our neighbor's apartment, so as to try to get a better angle, and pushing it through our door: Impossible. Our neighbor Alexis is very accomdotating, but we still can't get it ever after a few tries and a few more scrapes. Alexis helps with the lifting and the pushing, and that gets us a few more inches in....maybe the problem is just that it's too heavy and we can't maneuver it like we need? I break out the tool kit and remove all the interior components that I can reach....steel bracing beams, sofabed mattress, a few other odds and ends. Still no luck.
Forcing it: Impossible. The brute force method came as an idea when we realized that, with the guts removed, the sofa is basically just a wooden box with fluffy padding. Both wooden boxes and fluffy padding are flexible, and since we only need a half-inch, maybe we can just push, push, push, push until something bends? Plenty bends, but not quite enough. The white paint from our doors scrapes off onto the sofa in long white streaks.
Forcing it from the other side: Impossible. The gang of us drag it all the way down again (scrape, bump, bang), turn it around, haul it back up (bumb, scritch), and try all leaning on it trying to force it through. It goes very nearly through, three-quarters of the way through the door, before getting stuck. Since we can't move it further in nor back out, we try to bang it the last few millimeters with a hammer. It moves a little, not quite enough, but tears a long gash in the upholstery along the right armrest. Bright yellow stuffing puffs out of the gash.
Getting frustrated and angry, and continuing to force it even when that's obviously not working: Success! After a bit more banging an cursing, we twist the frame into a parallelogram shape, which give us the extra few centimeters we need. The couch slides through our doorway and springs back to its normal shape with a audible pop. It's in!
Getting it up the last set stairs inside our apartment: Alas, impossible. We realized that the best angle for getting it through our door wasn't the best angle for getting it up our stairs. Now its stuck in our entryway.
Hammering it back out the door, taking it all the way downstairs again (bumb, crack scrape, bend), turning it around back the way it was the first time we tried, and bringing it all the way back up: Impossible. Now we can't even get it through the door. We call it a night and leave it in the hallway. If any of our neighbors steals it, then we'll have to ask them for tips on how they got it through the door.
Sorcery and Magic: For my next trick, ladies and gentlement, I will saw a couch in half and put it back together again....right before your very eyes. Now, if there's an adventerous couch in the audience today who would like to volunteer?
We picked it up today. Its nice...super-comfy, and a far-and-away improvement over the utilitarian Ikea futon-ish job we've been sitting until now.
Getting it to our place: Easy. Rent a Flexcar, load it up ship it home.
Getting it into our building: Tough. Its a heavy bugger, and we ding it on the door a few times as we struggle to handle the load. A bystander from the local halfway house sees us struggling to get it in the door, and offers to help. The couch gathers a few small scrapes, but its inside soon and we'll heaving it up the stairs.
Getting it up the first flight of stairs: Tougher. We hadn't noticed before, but the couch is pretty wide and DC's rowhouses tend to have narrow stairwells. Its not getting any lighter, either. Sam (the guy from the halfway house), Anna and I manage to get it up the first set of stairs without too excessively much damage to the couch or the stairwell's walls.
Rounding the corners between stairwells: Easier. We have to strain to tip the couch vertically so that it can round the corner, and get a few bumps on the lower spots of the ceiling. The couch is looking a bit in rough shape, but its nothing that can't be covered up.
Getting it into our apartment door: Impossible. We bang, twist, push, scrape, heave, and strain, but it ain't going in. We measured the door, so we know it technically fits, but we can't seem to get it at the right angle. Maybe if we try it from the other side? Sam, Anna, and I take it all the way down to the bottom floor (earning a few more scrapes), turn it around heave it back up the stairs (bang, scrape), and try to squeeze it in that way. Almost....if only we could get another half inch. The door frame is about an inch or so, maybe if we take that off? Nope, we're still a little short even after screwing with the door, but we sure did make a mess trying.
Backing it into our neighbor's apartment, so as to try to get a better angle, and pushing it through our door: Impossible. Our neighbor Alexis is very accomdotating, but we still can't get it ever after a few tries and a few more scrapes. Alexis helps with the lifting and the pushing, and that gets us a few more inches in....maybe the problem is just that it's too heavy and we can't maneuver it like we need? I break out the tool kit and remove all the interior components that I can reach....steel bracing beams, sofabed mattress, a few other odds and ends. Still no luck.
Forcing it: Impossible. The brute force method came as an idea when we realized that, with the guts removed, the sofa is basically just a wooden box with fluffy padding. Both wooden boxes and fluffy padding are flexible, and since we only need a half-inch, maybe we can just push, push, push, push until something bends? Plenty bends, but not quite enough. The white paint from our doors scrapes off onto the sofa in long white streaks.
Forcing it from the other side: Impossible. The gang of us drag it all the way down again (scrape, bump, bang), turn it around, haul it back up (bumb, scritch), and try all leaning on it trying to force it through. It goes very nearly through, three-quarters of the way through the door, before getting stuck. Since we can't move it further in nor back out, we try to bang it the last few millimeters with a hammer. It moves a little, not quite enough, but tears a long gash in the upholstery along the right armrest. Bright yellow stuffing puffs out of the gash.
Getting frustrated and angry, and continuing to force it even when that's obviously not working: Success! After a bit more banging an cursing, we twist the frame into a parallelogram shape, which give us the extra few centimeters we need. The couch slides through our doorway and springs back to its normal shape with a audible pop. It's in!
Getting it up the last set stairs inside our apartment: Alas, impossible. We realized that the best angle for getting it through our door wasn't the best angle for getting it up our stairs. Now its stuck in our entryway.
Hammering it back out the door, taking it all the way downstairs again (bumb, crack scrape, bend), turning it around back the way it was the first time we tried, and bringing it all the way back up: Impossible. Now we can't even get it through the door. We call it a night and leave it in the hallway. If any of our neighbors steals it, then we'll have to ask them for tips on how they got it through the door.
Sorcery and Magic: For my next trick, ladies and gentlement, I will saw a couch in half and put it back together again....right before your very eyes. Now, if there's an adventerous couch in the audience today who would like to volunteer?