(no subject)
In DC, its illegal to carry a firearm, but if it weren't:
...I'd never fear crime again: If ever I were mugged I know I would fast-draw, whip around in a quick one-hundred-eighty and pop the bastard in the gut before my jumpy-coked-up assailant knew what to do. All twitchy, irrational coked-up and desperate muggers would clearly see that mugging me is a losing proposition, and after weighing their options would wisely elect to mug someone else.
...Nor would my neighbors fear crime: If ever I saw a violent crime occuring, I would surely intercede and emerge victorious. Now, I am fully aware that army recruits require months of intesnse training to learn how to handle themselves in a hostile firefight, but for me it just comes naturally. My nerves would be like steel, my aim would be true, the villains would fire dozens of rounds in my direction to no result, and on the nightly news there would be glowing testimonials from my grateful neighbors, thanking me for turning a convenience-store robbery into a bullet-riddled bloodbath. Others would follow my example, and soon enough there would be no crime in our neighborhood.
...I would never fear oppression: the formation of a citizen's militia being essential in the defense against tyranny, no invading army would dare oppress me with my trusty handgun by my side. Their paratroopers would blitzkrieg the suburbs north of me, their aerial gunships would pummel the business districts south of me, and the traitorous 5th column infiltrators would sell out the neighborhoods to the east and west, but me? I would be safe.
...I would never fear humiliation: my handgun would fill all gaps and doubts about my masculine stature: I would grow several inches taller and my waistline would shrink 3 sizes. My sperm count would rise, and I would last longer in bed. There's a reason all the men with handguns are tall, lean, broad-shouldered and bold....no, nobody would ever doubt my prowess again as long as I kept my handgun near.
...I'd never fear crime again: If ever I were mugged I know I would fast-draw, whip around in a quick one-hundred-eighty and pop the bastard in the gut before my jumpy-coked-up assailant knew what to do. All twitchy, irrational coked-up and desperate muggers would clearly see that mugging me is a losing proposition, and after weighing their options would wisely elect to mug someone else.
...Nor would my neighbors fear crime: If ever I saw a violent crime occuring, I would surely intercede and emerge victorious. Now, I am fully aware that army recruits require months of intesnse training to learn how to handle themselves in a hostile firefight, but for me it just comes naturally. My nerves would be like steel, my aim would be true, the villains would fire dozens of rounds in my direction to no result, and on the nightly news there would be glowing testimonials from my grateful neighbors, thanking me for turning a convenience-store robbery into a bullet-riddled bloodbath. Others would follow my example, and soon enough there would be no crime in our neighborhood.
...I would never fear oppression: the formation of a citizen's militia being essential in the defense against tyranny, no invading army would dare oppress me with my trusty handgun by my side. Their paratroopers would blitzkrieg the suburbs north of me, their aerial gunships would pummel the business districts south of me, and the traitorous 5th column infiltrators would sell out the neighborhoods to the east and west, but me? I would be safe.
...I would never fear humiliation: my handgun would fill all gaps and doubts about my masculine stature: I would grow several inches taller and my waistline would shrink 3 sizes. My sperm count would rise, and I would last longer in bed. There's a reason all the men with handguns are tall, lean, broad-shouldered and bold....no, nobody would ever doubt my prowess again as long as I kept my handgun near.