"If these walls could talk, they wouldn't shut the fuck up"
anyway.
i unpacked a lot of my things today.. my desk supplies, and computer and i put my clothes totes in my room. I could live in these circumstances comfortably.
I really am missing amelia. I think i miss having people around.. it's hard to go from people and crazy lifestyle always to living with my parents. It's so quiet here, like I find myself remembering how things used to be. Okay i guess, I don't know what i expected.. exactly what there is. I suppose it feels different knowing that this time it's for awhile... this time being home isn't for 4 days before i drive back to orange county. This time i am home. It's good.. really it is... it's just going to take some getting used to. I know i'll be bored a lot.. i just hope i can find a good psychologist or else my self-destructive behavior might get the best of me. The pills are far away though... i did it on purpose this time. I can't trust myself enough I guess.
Other than that i am well.
Although, I do hate feeling like i have to bite my lip... I hate it that i always have something to say... there is always something i am thinking.. but so often it's inapplicable. Like, I could open my mouth, but why? It's not always going to be for the better.. i might get a response i dont' want to hear. So it's okay.. i can keep quiet.. it's just kinda hard.
Finally... I think i want people to reach out to me. I hate my friends always wanting me to go to their houses. I like to hang out at my house too... but no one likes my family or something... no one likes to be at my house.. so i always end up going out.. it's so tiring.. it's so exhausting to cater to everyone else. I mean, i know thats how i am, I am not going to compromise it... I will give all i have always... why not??... self-fulfilment comes through making other people around me happy... seriously.. try it.. it works.
I dont' know.. i guess it's been pounded into my head by CERTAIN PEOPLE...or rather a certain EX... that I cause too many problems. That I always have an issue with something. Well.. YEAH.. i fuckin do.. i'm not a silent dummy or some shit thats gonna sit quietly.. i'm not going to be like most of the women in this world. However, it is easier in the long run.. though it might not make me feel the best at the time.. i know it's easier for other people to not have to hear what i want all the time. I know it's easier for people to have what they want set in their minds. IT's not up to me to suggest what i want and have them feel discomfort from having to say no.. or end up doing what i want even if they don't want to... that's the worst. I guess I am so afraid of what people are thinking about me that they don't want to tell me. Like, I'm not all obsessed with that people think of me.. but i always want to know what people are thinking about me when i'm with them. So often i feel like people don't want me there.. but they dont' want to say anything.. and i don't know if i want them to say anything eitehr.
AND.. i secretly want people to hang out with me at my house for this reason.. then it's comfortable...EVERYONE is comfortable in their own house... plus.. if someone doesn't want to be there, they can leave.. there is no awkward wondering.
well well.. i really hope i can hang out with tony tonight.
for some reason i really want to hang out with him a lot
like... i think i want to make up for lost time or something.. i don't know... i missed him so out of control much!!! anyway.. yeah.. i hope to see him.. because we have fun together. unless he secretly hates me but doens't want to tell me becuase there'd be a weird awkwardness. oh god i hope thats not the case
i unpacked a lot of my things today.. my desk supplies, and computer and i put my clothes totes in my room. I could live in these circumstances comfortably.
I really am missing amelia. I think i miss having people around.. it's hard to go from people and crazy lifestyle always to living with my parents. It's so quiet here, like I find myself remembering how things used to be. Okay i guess, I don't know what i expected.. exactly what there is. I suppose it feels different knowing that this time it's for awhile... this time being home isn't for 4 days before i drive back to orange county. This time i am home. It's good.. really it is... it's just going to take some getting used to. I know i'll be bored a lot.. i just hope i can find a good psychologist or else my self-destructive behavior might get the best of me. The pills are far away though... i did it on purpose this time. I can't trust myself enough I guess.
Other than that i am well.
Although, I do hate feeling like i have to bite my lip... I hate it that i always have something to say... there is always something i am thinking.. but so often it's inapplicable. Like, I could open my mouth, but why? It's not always going to be for the better.. i might get a response i dont' want to hear. So it's okay.. i can keep quiet.. it's just kinda hard.
Finally... I think i want people to reach out to me. I hate my friends always wanting me to go to their houses. I like to hang out at my house too... but no one likes my family or something... no one likes to be at my house.. so i always end up going out.. it's so tiring.. it's so exhausting to cater to everyone else. I mean, i know thats how i am, I am not going to compromise it... I will give all i have always... why not??... self-fulfilment comes through making other people around me happy... seriously.. try it.. it works.
I dont' know.. i guess it's been pounded into my head by CERTAIN PEOPLE...or rather a certain EX... that I cause too many problems. That I always have an issue with something. Well.. YEAH.. i fuckin do.. i'm not a silent dummy or some shit thats gonna sit quietly.. i'm not going to be like most of the women in this world. However, it is easier in the long run.. though it might not make me feel the best at the time.. i know it's easier for other people to not have to hear what i want all the time. I know it's easier for people to have what they want set in their minds. IT's not up to me to suggest what i want and have them feel discomfort from having to say no.. or end up doing what i want even if they don't want to... that's the worst. I guess I am so afraid of what people are thinking about me that they don't want to tell me. Like, I'm not all obsessed with that people think of me.. but i always want to know what people are thinking about me when i'm with them. So often i feel like people don't want me there.. but they dont' want to say anything.. and i don't know if i want them to say anything eitehr.
AND.. i secretly want people to hang out with me at my house for this reason.. then it's comfortable...EVERYONE is comfortable in their own house... plus.. if someone doesn't want to be there, they can leave.. there is no awkward wondering.
well well.. i really hope i can hang out with tony tonight.
for some reason i really want to hang out with him a lot
like... i think i want to make up for lost time or something.. i don't know... i missed him so out of control much!!! anyway.. yeah.. i hope to see him.. because we have fun together. unless he secretly hates me but doens't want to tell me becuase there'd be a weird awkwardness. oh god i hope thats not the case