(no subject)
im up too late. i havent even tried to sleep. there are these constant ping pong matches going on in my head.
its once again a battle of head over heart.
you could have just left me and left well enough alone. just for the love of God give me a straight answer. did you understand that every time i start to be okay, start to heal and start to learn to begin to figure out this life i lead without you in it-without you in my heart....you shove yourself right back into poll position in order to overtake all of the thoughts that i have previously hated about you.
i feel like everytime i leave this apartment there are flashing signs following me around with your name attached to all of it. MY LIFE IS HERE. the life that you've ungratefully and selfishly decided to leave in Indiana. My heart was yours, entirely, completely and often incandescently for the taking and you'd disrespectfully done all that you can to continually fuck that up.
i am not something of a burden or a chore, i should be something that you cannot live your life without. i doubt ill ever graciously apologize for wanting you in my life, for feeling for you the way that i often do when im here and living my life. because for whatever God forsaken reason, i cant keep my mind off of you. and for what fucking reason? because when i met you almost a year ago, my life changed in a manner in which i was never truly ready to accept to for take or to care for. i had not the slightest idea that i would fall so delicately into something so emotionally uplifiting and eloquet as our relationship. you're the one tha tbacked out and you're the one that is living in a manner in which i cannot fully understand. stand in front of me like you did in may and tell me the opposite. i just want to fucking yell at you for the hurt that you've caused to my understanding of what a healthy and great relationship is to feel like.
you want to know what happens when i get texts from you since i moved here? i have a huge amount of anger and disappointment because you can sit there and text all you want. its the poor mans outlet. anyone can say and do anything while sitting behind a damn phone while not knowing how to tell the girl that you fell for last fall that you'll see her, that you care how she is and how her life is shaping out to be. when a man who entirely and truly cared for this girl would have taken her for drinks like he texted her, he would have met her in dallas when she arrived there and he would have done all that he could to make her feel as welcome in his life, in his state and in his heart just as easily as he did a year ago. yeah its almost already been a year and i cannot being the woman that i am becoming understand how someone of such calibur in speach and demeanor from last fall could still be the same fucking coward that sent me a text message this morning.
i hate that my heart still wishes that you were here and i fucking exhaust myself all the time chasing after something that was never really right in the first place...i dislike the fact that no one can take your place and the minute that i begin to be okay with my life without your presense in it, i must gracefully bow out of your attention competition.
for i would give you the world in the palm of my hand if you asked me for it.
i would love you withouth restraint or ask your car, job, income because clearly you had me at 'why are you carrying two cell phones?'
you wanted to be the exception to every rule and beat all of the odds against how our relationship was,... well you have certainly shown yourself.
its once again a battle of head over heart.
you could have just left me and left well enough alone. just for the love of God give me a straight answer. did you understand that every time i start to be okay, start to heal and start to learn to begin to figure out this life i lead without you in it-without you in my heart....you shove yourself right back into poll position in order to overtake all of the thoughts that i have previously hated about you.
i feel like everytime i leave this apartment there are flashing signs following me around with your name attached to all of it. MY LIFE IS HERE. the life that you've ungratefully and selfishly decided to leave in Indiana. My heart was yours, entirely, completely and often incandescently for the taking and you'd disrespectfully done all that you can to continually fuck that up.
i am not something of a burden or a chore, i should be something that you cannot live your life without. i doubt ill ever graciously apologize for wanting you in my life, for feeling for you the way that i often do when im here and living my life. because for whatever God forsaken reason, i cant keep my mind off of you. and for what fucking reason? because when i met you almost a year ago, my life changed in a manner in which i was never truly ready to accept to for take or to care for. i had not the slightest idea that i would fall so delicately into something so emotionally uplifiting and eloquet as our relationship. you're the one tha tbacked out and you're the one that is living in a manner in which i cannot fully understand. stand in front of me like you did in may and tell me the opposite. i just want to fucking yell at you for the hurt that you've caused to my understanding of what a healthy and great relationship is to feel like.
you want to know what happens when i get texts from you since i moved here? i have a huge amount of anger and disappointment because you can sit there and text all you want. its the poor mans outlet. anyone can say and do anything while sitting behind a damn phone while not knowing how to tell the girl that you fell for last fall that you'll see her, that you care how she is and how her life is shaping out to be. when a man who entirely and truly cared for this girl would have taken her for drinks like he texted her, he would have met her in dallas when she arrived there and he would have done all that he could to make her feel as welcome in his life, in his state and in his heart just as easily as he did a year ago. yeah its almost already been a year and i cannot being the woman that i am becoming understand how someone of such calibur in speach and demeanor from last fall could still be the same fucking coward that sent me a text message this morning.
i hate that my heart still wishes that you were here and i fucking exhaust myself all the time chasing after something that was never really right in the first place...i dislike the fact that no one can take your place and the minute that i begin to be okay with my life without your presense in it, i must gracefully bow out of your attention competition.
for i would give you the world in the palm of my hand if you asked me for it.
i would love you withouth restraint or ask your car, job, income because clearly you had me at 'why are you carrying two cell phones?'
you wanted to be the exception to every rule and beat all of the odds against how our relationship was,... well you have certainly shown yourself.