Ubi caritas et amor 2/2
Three days later Dean anxiously walked down the hallway leading to room C5-03, to Castiel. According to the patient records the man had not woken even once and was still comatose. Before opening the plain white door Dean took a deep breath, tried to steady his rapidly beating heart in vain. More than just a few seconds passed before he could muster the courage to enter the room. When he finally heard approaching foot steps he swallowed and opened the door.
Castiel was pale. Even paler than the last time Dean had seen the other man... or Angel - had he just really thought that?! Crap... perhaps he was really losing it at last. Castiel looked serene and somehow the scene reminded the older Wincherster of stories his younger brother had told him. Sam visiting Dean every day, praying for his brother to make it, to fight, to wake up again. Afraid to lose the last living member of his family, terrified to be suddenly on his own. It must have been a sight like that after the nasty accident where their father had died. Dean on the respirator, oblivious of his surroundings, not noticing how his hand was held, how his brow was touched, how his hair was... dammit! Dean hastily withdraw his right hand from where he had nearly brushed through Castiel's hair and noticed only a heartbeat later his left hand was holding the other man's. Thank god he was alone and nobody had witnessed this chick-flick moment.
Dean studied the records - although he was no neurosurgeon like Sam he knew his way around every part of the body and those readings weren't particularly promising. Of course he would talk to Dr. Harvell later but he was afraid she too wouldn't be able to tell him more than that the cerebral hemorrhage was not shrinking. Normally there was a fair change the surrounding tissue would absorb the blood and with a bit of luck no real damage was done to the brain. But in this case in three days the area of the bleeding had not diminished in size. With a sigh Dean put the records back and headed for the door. Before finally leaving again he shot a last glance at the sleeping man, feeling a sharp pain inside his chest.
~*~
The conversation with Dr. Ellen Harvell did turn out as expected. Ellen told Dean that Castiel's perspectives weren't particularly good. Not only was the bleeding not shrinking but the area where it had occurred could not be operated without risking severe brain damage. Great. Just fucking great. The one time Dean really felt like it could be The One it was a practically brain-dead guy. Before both doctors parted ways again Ellen gave Dean a familiar looking note pad. "This was in his hand as the orderly brought him. I think you should take care of it for Mr. Doe."
Dean thanked Ellen and retreated to his small office. There were a lot of things to think through and on top of it all he wanted to take a look at Castiel's sketches. Perhaps it would help him to clear up the turmoil inside his head (and heart). Carefully he opened the pad. The first picture was the one Castiel had drawn so Dean could reconstruct his face. It was indistinctly Castiel. But he didn't look particularly happy. In fact his soulful eyes seemed to radiate sadness and the set line of his jaw made him look even a bit annoyed. The older Winchester knew this image very good, had a photocopy of it in Castiel Doe's patient records. Dean turned to the next page and knew instantly the woman Castiel had sketched in just a few lines was Anna. Sitting in the chair next to the window in Castiel's room. The following picture showed Anna, too. But this time she was running towards the viewer, a lot of other people around. Her face was contorted in fear and sheer panic. Obviously something Castiel remembered from mere seconds before the accident. The next page held two sketches of Fanny. The first one in the left corner was the small girl sleeping in her mother's lap and the bigger one filling the remaining space was of a happily bouncing toddler. Dean smiled. The girl looked adorable. Castiel really could draw! The next few pages contained various sketches of nurses. Ruby, Bela and even Jo, Dr. Harvells daughter who was still a resident and visited her mother now and then. When Dean turned to the following page he froze. It was a quick sketch of him. Just a few lines. And obviously Castiel must have drawn it by heart and without reference because this was from the first day from before he had even given the note pad to his patient. It was Dean and Gordon nearly fighting. Although the focus was clearly on the older Winchester. He swallowed and turned the page again. Another picture of him. But no ordinary sketch. It was very detailed, a portrait and somehow Dean thought if he cared to check he would find each and every freckle Castiel had drawn exactly on the same spot on his face. It sent a shower of something the older Winchester could not name down his spine. He swallowed and took a look at the following page. Again a pencil-Dean. This time he was holding a clip board, making notes. Did he really frown like that when he concentrated on a problem? Every time he turned the page there was another scene with him as the leading role. Castiel had been obsessed with him - when had he found the time to draw all this stuff?
The last page that had been used sent a sharp pain through Dean. It was a picture of a scene that had never happened like that - except perhaps in Dean's fantasy - and obviously in Castiel's, too. A kiss. A kiss between Dean and Castiel. But not just a kiss. It was a kiss! There was more emotion packed inside that small page than Dean had seen in a long time. Compassion, longing, tenderness, appreciation, desire... A wet spot next to Castiel's hand that was lovingly caressing the back of Dean's head surprised him and the older Winchester noticed his eyes were leaking tears. He was full on crying. Over a note pad. Filled with sketches - could he possibly be any more girly? He took another look at the last picture and decided that he didn't care. He felt way too devastated to keep up appearances. It hadn't been something one-sided, something Dean had imagined. Castiel too had felt it. There could have... They could have... Perhaps it would have worked out...? But now it was over before it had even started and they would never have a chance to find out for sure.
~*~
As Dean felt comfortable enough to leave his office again half an hour later he was already late for his next appointment. Of course he had to cross paths with Ruby.
"Hey Dean, have you already visited your Angel?"
"What do you want, Ruby?"
"Nothing. I was just wondering if you two would hook up together now..."
"He is in a fucking coma!" Dean all but shouted.
"I know. So he now should be on your level mentally..." Ruby shrugged with a very innocent gesture.
Before Dean could decide if he should answer with a verbal threat, beat Ruby to a bleeding pulp or retreat before anybody could witness how his eyes had started to water anew Bela took his side. They weren't exactly on good terms, it was more like some kind of truce. He didn't tell anybody that he had seen her taking some of the meds home (to improve her meager salary he assumed) and she didn't tell anybody when he again disobeyed one of the hospital's rules.
"Ruby, you are a bloody bitch. Leave Dean alone and mind your own business! I think there are still three rooms you have to change the sheets."
Sometimes it was good to have the head nurse on his side, Dean thought as he gave Bela a thankful look before rushing off to the OP.
~*~
"Dean, if you are so obsessed with Castiel being a real Angel, why don't you just tell him about your feelings. If he really is an Angel don't you think he would wake up again? And if not perhaps that's the last bit of motivation he needs to get better again."
Sam was right. Why not give it a try? Although he was already at home, although he was ready to call it a day and hit the hay, although he did not have to be in the hospital the next 20 hours he just pulled over his jacket and headed for the car. Hope and apprehension had a firm grip on his heart all the way to room C5-03.
Of course it didn't work. Miracles just don't happen outside TV-land. Only in fairytales the princes wakes up by True Love's first kiss.
~*~
Live went on. Sadly. Because some times Dean was not able to understand how anybody could be that happy and oblivious when the man he loved was still in ICU on his way to being declared dead and having the live support switched off.
Each day before his shift started Dean would visit room C5-03 and talk to Castiel, tell him about the news, the weather and other meaningless stuff.
Each day after his shift Dean would visit room C5-03 and say good bye to Castiel, tell him about his plans for this evening - which usually involved getting wasted or just watching TV until he was even too tired to walk the short distance to his own bed.
Each night he would fight sleep in fear of the dreams that he was anticipating and each morning he woke up wondering if he had just forgotten or if there really had been none of those nightmares that normally haunted his nights.
~*~
About a month after that fateful day in May Dean knew two things for sure. Whatever Castiel had done that night it somehow had chased away the nightmares for good. Ever since the violent death of his mother, since Dean's 4th birthday he had been haunted most of the nights. But now there was just a blissful nirvana as soon as he closed his eyes. And the second thing was that Castiel would not be going to wake up again. Never.
Thankfully there had been enough hodgepodge in the management because of the missing owner who wasn't the real owner but one person of a group of owners or whatever - Dean hadn't payed attention as Sam had tried to explain everything to him. There were more pressing matters at hand. Like how to persuade Ellen and Bobby to not switch off Castiel's live support. And the chaos that the missing guy had cause had been sufficient for Mr. Harker to not notice the guy needing medical attention worth of 10.000$ per day without anybody paying. Because Dean was sure as soon as he found out he would order Ellen to kill Cas.
~*~
In the summer Dean still visited Castiel at least once per day. Harker continued to be too busy to notice something and Sam still persisted in calling Dean lovestruck. One day the younger Winchester had packed their stuff into Dean's impala and informed his brother that they were heading to Blue Earth, Minnesota. To Pastor Jim.
Jim Murphy, pastor of a small church in Blue Earth was a guy both Sam and Dean knew very well. Back when they had been just small boys Pastor Jim had supported their father John. Being a single parent wasn't always easy and the Pastor had helped every time he could. Both Sam and Dean had spent the better part of their childhood summers in Blue Earth.
"Dean! Sam!" There was real joy in the old man's voice. They had not seen each other for more than three years and now Dean just realized how he had missed his surrogate grandfather. They shared long hugs and while Sam unpacked their things the Pastor led Dean inside the old church to talk. Although Dean wasn't the caring and sharing kind of guy he knew from experience if Jim Murphy wanted to talk to you you better cooperated. For a Pastor he was very inventive in ways of persuasion.
"So, your brother told me you've met somebody..."
Dean sighed. "Jim... Do you... do you believe in Angels?"
"Of course, Dean. I am a priest after all. I believe in God the Almighty and in all of His children. Why do you ask?"
"Do you believe in Angels walking among us?"
"I do." Again the pastor nodded and mustered Dean thoughtfully.
"You know I'm not really into this crap... but... If... How would one of those Angels in disguise look like? How would I be able to recognize him as not human?"
"Dean, it is not as easy like that. An Angel would look exactly the way he wanted to."
"And I would not be able to recognize him? He would be an ordinary human being?"
The Pastor nodded with a soft smile.
"Let's just assume I've met an Angel dressed up as a man. There wouldn't be anything off?"
Jim Murphys smile grew before he answered: "Do you have someone special in mind, Dean?"
"Perhaps."
"A real Angel would be caring and benign. Devoted and altruistic, like many people are."
"Anything else?"
"Dean, I have never met one myself. And if I have I have not perceived him as one. I can not tell you the one trait that every Angel has in common but no human has..."
The older Winchester clutched at all straws. "What about his eyes...?"
"People say the eyes are the windows to our souls..."
Dean sighed heavily. There was no point in continuing this conversation. The Pastor obviously could not help him.
"Why don't you tell me the entire story, Dean?" Pastor Jim sat down on an old wooden pew and patted the spot next to him.
~*~
Spilling his guts wasn't easy but Pastor Jim just listened mutely giving Dean the feeling he wasn't being a total chick about it. It was... satisfying to talk to somebody openly about his thoughts, his strange dream and his feelings - although he would rather die before admitting it to anybody. Sadly the Pastor had still no direct answer to Dean's question.
"I am sorry, Dean. But if this Castiel really is an Angel or just an angel is something you have to find out on your own. Listen to your heart and let your inner voice lead you is the only advice I can give you."
They spent the better part of July in Blue Earth, enjoying the summer and helping the Pastor repair the leaking roof of the church.
~*~
Autumn brought huge changes. In a bad sense. A very bad sense.
It was a Thursday - what was it with all those weird stuff always happening on Thursdays? It was a Thursday and Dean had just visited Castiel in ICU. As always he was a bit late and took the shortcut to the OPs past Dr. Singer's office and the outpatient department. His thoughts were already by the young woman who had successfully fought against breast cancer and now was scheduled for breast reconstruction - Dean's specialty. He didn't notice the figure waiting for him until he was shoved against a wall with a knife at his throat.
Dean's head hurt where it had hit the pastel colored wall quite ungently and he had to blink away a few stars, still he knew instantly that the woman clad in tight blue jeans and a black leather jacket was bad news. She looked faintly familiar but the older Winchester couldn't remember where they had met before. That was until she started to talk.
"Dean..." she half hissed half teased. "Long time no see..."
Meg. The bitch that had tried to hook his brother up with the really hard stuff. They still had an outstanding score and even the sharp shiv at his larynx could not stop him from reacting violently. "Meg!" he all but spitted into her face. "You fucking slut!"
The fragile build woman was way stronger than the older Winchester had expected. He could not pull free from her grasp. Still he struggled feeling the blade of the knife cut into his skin. They weren't exactly in a remote part of the hospital. Enough patients were around so some had already noticed the assault. Dean heard how someone hollered for security but judging by the chivied look in Meg's eyes they would not arrive in time. Whatever she had taken it made her not only fucking strong but violent also.
"You know you are going to die, Winchester. First you then your brother. See you in the pit, loser!"
Dean felt how Meg was about to strike out as somebody grabbed his shoulder and yanked him backwards so suddenly that the older Winchester landed on his butt, his head connecting with the floor forcefully enough to tune everything out for quite some time. He watched in slow motion how Bobby turned to the druggie again after shoving Dean out of harms way. He saw Meg's knife shooting out faster than the old Doctor could react. He witnessed how Meg turned tail and fled while Bobby blinked confused at the hilt protruding his side before his knees finally buckled.
~*~
Bobby made it. There were much worse places you could be stabbed than 10 steps from the next OP with a team of surgeons ready. There weren't many worse places you could be stabbed than through the medulla. Bobby made it but his legs were paralyzed. Permanently.
At first the old Doctor managed to even fool Dean and Sam with his false bravado but after a month it was clear that Robert Singer wasn't coping quite that well. Dean didn't exactly forget Castiel but he had other things to do like making sure Bobby regained his will to live. He still visited the comatose man in room C5-03 at least once a week and the pencil sketch of Castiel ended up in a slim frame next to Dean's desk.
~*~
Dean was nearly ready to move on as winter approached and the first snow fell on the 10th of December. He had just met a guy yesterday - dark blond mane, a rack that made his mouth water with curves and muscles at the exact right spot... and speaking of a mouth, when Dean had imagined all the things that guy could do with that gorgeous mouth of his he - let's just say he had met a guy he wouldn't push him out of bed... And he was planning on giving it a try. He would call tomorrow as soon as he left work.
They were sitting in Bobby's kitchen, sharing a six pack and somehow Dean knew there was something in the air. Of course he was right - remember the thing with Thursdays? Right, today was a Thursday, again. So when Dr. Singer opened his mouth the older Winchester knew there was trouble in sight.
Bobby told them of the new guy the owners had sent. A really unpleasant man. Smug and cold. He had asked for the records of some employees before. Everyone of them ended up being fired soon after. "Ruby now works at a McDonald's downtown..." Bobby mentioned nonchalantly.
"Ruby's gone?" Dean could not believe it. Of course he had noticed her absence and assumed she had taken a few days off.
"Gone for good. And today the guy was at Harker's office again. He told me to warn you, this time it were your records, boys."
Dean frowned. "Harker told you to warn us?"
Bobby nodded and continued after taking a swig from his bottle: "Harker may not like you, Dean, but he knows you are good and he sure as hell doesn't like a new guy to sack his employees. And Harker told me that the guy had asked about your Castiel Doe, too. He's sure he'll demand to switch off the machines really soon."
Now it was Sam's time to ask - Dean was too baffled to. "Harker knows...?"
"Boy did you really believe there are things happening in this hospital Harker does not know of?"
"He knew and didn't...?"
"Sam, he is no monster. He might have a problem with your brother but he actually can be quite passable."
"So...", Dean muttered after finishing off his beer, "We not only are at risk of losing our job but this new guy will kill Cas cold-bloodedly. I think I need something of the hard stuff, Bobby..."
The three of them ended up drunk way before midnight. And it was around that time Dean thought he had the solution to their problem.
"Hey! I know wha' we havta do! You, Sammy...", Dean pointed a finger at his brother nearly sending an empty bottle flying.
"It's Sam...", the younger Wincherster muttered but he already knew his protest would be in vain.
"You, Sammy...", Dean repeated, "will op'rate Cas. Remove the coa... gulum and hemo... hemorrhage."
"He'll pro'bly die, Dean!" the younger Winchester objected.
"He'll surely die 's soon 's the machines're switched off, Sammy. An' if you're successful an' the guy who's been in coma for half a fuckin' year after selflessly rescuin' a lil girl wakes up 'gain there'll be media coverage! Your name'll be restored and even if the fucker decides to fire you the other hospitals'll be pantin' for ya!"
Although Dean was enthusiastic and positive his plan was bound to succeed both Bobby and Sam begged to differ.
The next morning even Dean wasn't so sure anymore. Unfortunately nobody had a better idea.
~*~
Again it was a Thursday but this time it was nothing bad that happened. On the 16th of December Sam had given his best, had cut open Castiel's very brain and removed every bit of blood that didn't belong there. On the next day, said Thursday, Dean could look into the bluest eyes again for the first time in nearly half a year. He wasn't over the moon he was already in the next galaxy. Sam too was happy, glad his procedure had been a success, pride and joy likewise making his head float.
Dean hovered over Castiel, didn't leave the room so much as to pee so he was present as a huge dark skinned man opened the door and glared at the older Winchester before finally entering the room. He was not a tall as Sam but had broad shoulders and a built that made him look three times his size. He piercing glare didn't help in making him more likable. So this was him. The guy that had not only wanted to fire his brother but to kill the love of his freaking live.
The guy's eyes were fixed on Castiel and didn't leave the thin sleeping figure while a frown formed on the dark forehead. "Is this Castiel Doe?" It sounded more like an order than a question. Dean nodded mutely not trusting his mouth to let something civil out.
"His name is not Castiel Doe."
"You know him?" The older Winchester was astonished. In the six months of Castiel's hospitalization there had not been a single hint to who he really was.
"I do." The dark skinned man was now standing next to the bed and put a hand on Castiel's shoulder to wake up the sleeping figure.
"James."
Castiel did stir but not wake up.
"Jimmy. Wake up. Now." Again an order. Dean didn't like that guy talking like that, not even a tiny bit. But he clenched his teeth and waited.
Castiel blinked slowly. No recognition in his eyes.
"James? Do you know who I am?"
The lithe man was instantly wide awake. "You... you know my name? You know me?"
"Yes. I know you. We have worked together for many years. Your name is James Novak."
"And you are...?"
"Uriel. Zachariah sent me after your disappearance. I do not know why the police couldn't match you up with the missing persons reports."
Dean had a hunch why that particular procedure might not have worked as intended but knew better than to voice it. If really his idea to give Castiel not the customary name of John Doe had caused an computer error he was endlessly glad for it. Who knew if he had fallen in love with the guy if he had known Castiel was one of the hospital's new owners.
"I am sorry. I do not remember you, Mr. Uriel." Castiel looked sincerely afflicted and frustrated.
Dean had to talk to him alone. Now. "Mr. Uriel, I am afraid I have to insist of you leaving now. Mr. Novak just had brain surgery yesterday and still needs lots of quiet to recover. I think it would be better to talk to Dr. Singer. I am sure one of the nurses will point you in the right direction."
The glare he was rewarded with surely could have withered plants. But Uriel left.
They hadn't had a chance to talk since Castiel... Jimmy had woken up briefly after the surgery. Although Dean was dying to clear a few points - like if they were really both in love with each other - he had not had the heart to wake the sleeping man. But now he had to know for sure - only... how do you start this kind of conversation? I love you, do you love me, too? No.
"Yes..."
Huh? Dean turned his head to Cas... Jimmy and blinked in confusion. "What...?"
"I do love you."
"How...?"
Cast... Jimmy's smile grew. "I have a few tricks down my sleeve you could say."
"Are you really an Angel?" Dean blurted out before his brain could stop his mouth.
This raised laughter - but not the gloating kind. Jimmy's eyes crinkled and his entire being seemed to be lit up with joy while his body shook with laughter. It took a while for the lithe man to calm down enough before he could answer. "Dean, you already know I'm Castiel, the Angel of Thursday."
"You are not James Novak?"
"No, I'm not Jimmy, I'm Castiel."
Dean didn't care whether that meant the pale man in front of him was an honest to god Angel of the Lord or he just wasn't James Novak any longer because he could not remember a thing about his former live and wanted Dean to call him Castiel now. He really couldn't care less because the one question that actually mattered had been answered. Castiel was in love with him. And the older Winchester's heart threatened to burst out of his ribcage. There was just too much warmth, joy and happiness to contain inside such a small human frame. He knew he was grinning like mad and it honestly didn't matter anymore. The man he was in love with had finally woken up. They could have a future. They could try it out. There were so many possibilities opening in front of Dean, so many things they could do. He simply did not know where to start, how to let the entire world know how he felt.
Dean did the only thing he could. He leaned down and kissed Castiel.
AN: I do believe there will be an epilog. Hopefully this year :)
Oh and if you need a soundtrack for this chapter (at least for the end, try the Song for Ten from Doctor Who - Original Television Soundtrack!
Epilog
Three days later Dean anxiously walked down the hallway leading to room C5-03, to Castiel. According to the patient records the man had not woken even once and was still comatose. Before opening the plain white door Dean took a deep breath, tried to steady his rapidly beating heart in vain. More than just a few seconds passed before he could muster the courage to enter the room. When he finally heard approaching foot steps he swallowed and opened the door.
Castiel was pale. Even paler than the last time Dean had seen the other man... or Angel - had he just really thought that?! Crap... perhaps he was really losing it at last. Castiel looked serene and somehow the scene reminded the older Wincherster of stories his younger brother had told him. Sam visiting Dean every day, praying for his brother to make it, to fight, to wake up again. Afraid to lose the last living member of his family, terrified to be suddenly on his own. It must have been a sight like that after the nasty accident where their father had died. Dean on the respirator, oblivious of his surroundings, not noticing how his hand was held, how his brow was touched, how his hair was... dammit! Dean hastily withdraw his right hand from where he had nearly brushed through Castiel's hair and noticed only a heartbeat later his left hand was holding the other man's. Thank god he was alone and nobody had witnessed this chick-flick moment.
Dean studied the records - although he was no neurosurgeon like Sam he knew his way around every part of the body and those readings weren't particularly promising. Of course he would talk to Dr. Harvell later but he was afraid she too wouldn't be able to tell him more than that the cerebral hemorrhage was not shrinking. Normally there was a fair change the surrounding tissue would absorb the blood and with a bit of luck no real damage was done to the brain. But in this case in three days the area of the bleeding had not diminished in size. With a sigh Dean put the records back and headed for the door. Before finally leaving again he shot a last glance at the sleeping man, feeling a sharp pain inside his chest.
~*~
The conversation with Dr. Ellen Harvell did turn out as expected. Ellen told Dean that Castiel's perspectives weren't particularly good. Not only was the bleeding not shrinking but the area where it had occurred could not be operated without risking severe brain damage. Great. Just fucking great. The one time Dean really felt like it could be The One it was a practically brain-dead guy. Before both doctors parted ways again Ellen gave Dean a familiar looking note pad. "This was in his hand as the orderly brought him. I think you should take care of it for Mr. Doe."
Dean thanked Ellen and retreated to his small office. There were a lot of things to think through and on top of it all he wanted to take a look at Castiel's sketches. Perhaps it would help him to clear up the turmoil inside his head (and heart). Carefully he opened the pad. The first picture was the one Castiel had drawn so Dean could reconstruct his face. It was indistinctly Castiel. But he didn't look particularly happy. In fact his soulful eyes seemed to radiate sadness and the set line of his jaw made him look even a bit annoyed. The older Winchester knew this image very good, had a photocopy of it in Castiel Doe's patient records. Dean turned to the next page and knew instantly the woman Castiel had sketched in just a few lines was Anna. Sitting in the chair next to the window in Castiel's room. The following picture showed Anna, too. But this time she was running towards the viewer, a lot of other people around. Her face was contorted in fear and sheer panic. Obviously something Castiel remembered from mere seconds before the accident. The next page held two sketches of Fanny. The first one in the left corner was the small girl sleeping in her mother's lap and the bigger one filling the remaining space was of a happily bouncing toddler. Dean smiled. The girl looked adorable. Castiel really could draw! The next few pages contained various sketches of nurses. Ruby, Bela and even Jo, Dr. Harvells daughter who was still a resident and visited her mother now and then. When Dean turned to the following page he froze. It was a quick sketch of him. Just a few lines. And obviously Castiel must have drawn it by heart and without reference because this was from the first day from before he had even given the note pad to his patient. It was Dean and Gordon nearly fighting. Although the focus was clearly on the older Winchester. He swallowed and turned the page again. Another picture of him. But no ordinary sketch. It was very detailed, a portrait and somehow Dean thought if he cared to check he would find each and every freckle Castiel had drawn exactly on the same spot on his face. It sent a shower of something the older Winchester could not name down his spine. He swallowed and took a look at the following page. Again a pencil-Dean. This time he was holding a clip board, making notes. Did he really frown like that when he concentrated on a problem? Every time he turned the page there was another scene with him as the leading role. Castiel had been obsessed with him - when had he found the time to draw all this stuff?
The last page that had been used sent a sharp pain through Dean. It was a picture of a scene that had never happened like that - except perhaps in Dean's fantasy - and obviously in Castiel's, too. A kiss. A kiss between Dean and Castiel. But not just a kiss. It was a kiss! There was more emotion packed inside that small page than Dean had seen in a long time. Compassion, longing, tenderness, appreciation, desire... A wet spot next to Castiel's hand that was lovingly caressing the back of Dean's head surprised him and the older Winchester noticed his eyes were leaking tears. He was full on crying. Over a note pad. Filled with sketches - could he possibly be any more girly? He took another look at the last picture and decided that he didn't care. He felt way too devastated to keep up appearances. It hadn't been something one-sided, something Dean had imagined. Castiel too had felt it. There could have... They could have... Perhaps it would have worked out...? But now it was over before it had even started and they would never have a chance to find out for sure.
~*~
As Dean felt comfortable enough to leave his office again half an hour later he was already late for his next appointment. Of course he had to cross paths with Ruby.
"Hey Dean, have you already visited your Angel?"
"What do you want, Ruby?"
"Nothing. I was just wondering if you two would hook up together now..."
"He is in a fucking coma!" Dean all but shouted.
"I know. So he now should be on your level mentally..." Ruby shrugged with a very innocent gesture.
Before Dean could decide if he should answer with a verbal threat, beat Ruby to a bleeding pulp or retreat before anybody could witness how his eyes had started to water anew Bela took his side. They weren't exactly on good terms, it was more like some kind of truce. He didn't tell anybody that he had seen her taking some of the meds home (to improve her meager salary he assumed) and she didn't tell anybody when he again disobeyed one of the hospital's rules.
"Ruby, you are a bloody bitch. Leave Dean alone and mind your own business! I think there are still three rooms you have to change the sheets."
Sometimes it was good to have the head nurse on his side, Dean thought as he gave Bela a thankful look before rushing off to the OP.
~*~
"Dean, if you are so obsessed with Castiel being a real Angel, why don't you just tell him about your feelings. If he really is an Angel don't you think he would wake up again? And if not perhaps that's the last bit of motivation he needs to get better again."
Sam was right. Why not give it a try? Although he was already at home, although he was ready to call it a day and hit the hay, although he did not have to be in the hospital the next 20 hours he just pulled over his jacket and headed for the car. Hope and apprehension had a firm grip on his heart all the way to room C5-03.
Of course it didn't work. Miracles just don't happen outside TV-land. Only in fairytales the princes wakes up by True Love's first kiss.
~*~
Live went on. Sadly. Because some times Dean was not able to understand how anybody could be that happy and oblivious when the man he loved was still in ICU on his way to being declared dead and having the live support switched off.
Each day before his shift started Dean would visit room C5-03 and talk to Castiel, tell him about the news, the weather and other meaningless stuff.
Each day after his shift Dean would visit room C5-03 and say good bye to Castiel, tell him about his plans for this evening - which usually involved getting wasted or just watching TV until he was even too tired to walk the short distance to his own bed.
Each night he would fight sleep in fear of the dreams that he was anticipating and each morning he woke up wondering if he had just forgotten or if there really had been none of those nightmares that normally haunted his nights.
~*~
About a month after that fateful day in May Dean knew two things for sure. Whatever Castiel had done that night it somehow had chased away the nightmares for good. Ever since the violent death of his mother, since Dean's 4th birthday he had been haunted most of the nights. But now there was just a blissful nirvana as soon as he closed his eyes. And the second thing was that Castiel would not be going to wake up again. Never.
Thankfully there had been enough hodgepodge in the management because of the missing owner who wasn't the real owner but one person of a group of owners or whatever - Dean hadn't payed attention as Sam had tried to explain everything to him. There were more pressing matters at hand. Like how to persuade Ellen and Bobby to not switch off Castiel's live support. And the chaos that the missing guy had cause had been sufficient for Mr. Harker to not notice the guy needing medical attention worth of 10.000$ per day without anybody paying. Because Dean was sure as soon as he found out he would order Ellen to kill Cas.
~*~
In the summer Dean still visited Castiel at least once per day. Harker continued to be too busy to notice something and Sam still persisted in calling Dean lovestruck. One day the younger Winchester had packed their stuff into Dean's impala and informed his brother that they were heading to Blue Earth, Minnesota. To Pastor Jim.
Jim Murphy, pastor of a small church in Blue Earth was a guy both Sam and Dean knew very well. Back when they had been just small boys Pastor Jim had supported their father John. Being a single parent wasn't always easy and the Pastor had helped every time he could. Both Sam and Dean had spent the better part of their childhood summers in Blue Earth.
"Dean! Sam!" There was real joy in the old man's voice. They had not seen each other for more than three years and now Dean just realized how he had missed his surrogate grandfather. They shared long hugs and while Sam unpacked their things the Pastor led Dean inside the old church to talk. Although Dean wasn't the caring and sharing kind of guy he knew from experience if Jim Murphy wanted to talk to you you better cooperated. For a Pastor he was very inventive in ways of persuasion.
"So, your brother told me you've met somebody..."
Dean sighed. "Jim... Do you... do you believe in Angels?"
"Of course, Dean. I am a priest after all. I believe in God the Almighty and in all of His children. Why do you ask?"
"Do you believe in Angels walking among us?"
"I do." Again the pastor nodded and mustered Dean thoughtfully.
"You know I'm not really into this crap... but... If... How would one of those Angels in disguise look like? How would I be able to recognize him as not human?"
"Dean, it is not as easy like that. An Angel would look exactly the way he wanted to."
"And I would not be able to recognize him? He would be an ordinary human being?"
The Pastor nodded with a soft smile.
"Let's just assume I've met an Angel dressed up as a man. There wouldn't be anything off?"
Jim Murphys smile grew before he answered: "Do you have someone special in mind, Dean?"
"Perhaps."
"A real Angel would be caring and benign. Devoted and altruistic, like many people are."
"Anything else?"
"Dean, I have never met one myself. And if I have I have not perceived him as one. I can not tell you the one trait that every Angel has in common but no human has..."
The older Winchester clutched at all straws. "What about his eyes...?"
"People say the eyes are the windows to our souls..."
Dean sighed heavily. There was no point in continuing this conversation. The Pastor obviously could not help him.
"Why don't you tell me the entire story, Dean?" Pastor Jim sat down on an old wooden pew and patted the spot next to him.
~*~
Spilling his guts wasn't easy but Pastor Jim just listened mutely giving Dean the feeling he wasn't being a total chick about it. It was... satisfying to talk to somebody openly about his thoughts, his strange dream and his feelings - although he would rather die before admitting it to anybody. Sadly the Pastor had still no direct answer to Dean's question.
"I am sorry, Dean. But if this Castiel really is an Angel or just an angel is something you have to find out on your own. Listen to your heart and let your inner voice lead you is the only advice I can give you."
They spent the better part of July in Blue Earth, enjoying the summer and helping the Pastor repair the leaking roof of the church.
~*~
Autumn brought huge changes. In a bad sense. A very bad sense.
It was a Thursday - what was it with all those weird stuff always happening on Thursdays? It was a Thursday and Dean had just visited Castiel in ICU. As always he was a bit late and took the shortcut to the OPs past Dr. Singer's office and the outpatient department. His thoughts were already by the young woman who had successfully fought against breast cancer and now was scheduled for breast reconstruction - Dean's specialty. He didn't notice the figure waiting for him until he was shoved against a wall with a knife at his throat.
Dean's head hurt where it had hit the pastel colored wall quite ungently and he had to blink away a few stars, still he knew instantly that the woman clad in tight blue jeans and a black leather jacket was bad news. She looked faintly familiar but the older Winchester couldn't remember where they had met before. That was until she started to talk.
"Dean..." she half hissed half teased. "Long time no see..."
Meg. The bitch that had tried to hook his brother up with the really hard stuff. They still had an outstanding score and even the sharp shiv at his larynx could not stop him from reacting violently. "Meg!" he all but spitted into her face. "You fucking slut!"
The fragile build woman was way stronger than the older Winchester had expected. He could not pull free from her grasp. Still he struggled feeling the blade of the knife cut into his skin. They weren't exactly in a remote part of the hospital. Enough patients were around so some had already noticed the assault. Dean heard how someone hollered for security but judging by the chivied look in Meg's eyes they would not arrive in time. Whatever she had taken it made her not only fucking strong but violent also.
"You know you are going to die, Winchester. First you then your brother. See you in the pit, loser!"
Dean felt how Meg was about to strike out as somebody grabbed his shoulder and yanked him backwards so suddenly that the older Winchester landed on his butt, his head connecting with the floor forcefully enough to tune everything out for quite some time. He watched in slow motion how Bobby turned to the druggie again after shoving Dean out of harms way. He saw Meg's knife shooting out faster than the old Doctor could react. He witnessed how Meg turned tail and fled while Bobby blinked confused at the hilt protruding his side before his knees finally buckled.
~*~
Bobby made it. There were much worse places you could be stabbed than 10 steps from the next OP with a team of surgeons ready. There weren't many worse places you could be stabbed than through the medulla. Bobby made it but his legs were paralyzed. Permanently.
At first the old Doctor managed to even fool Dean and Sam with his false bravado but after a month it was clear that Robert Singer wasn't coping quite that well. Dean didn't exactly forget Castiel but he had other things to do like making sure Bobby regained his will to live. He still visited the comatose man in room C5-03 at least once a week and the pencil sketch of Castiel ended up in a slim frame next to Dean's desk.
~*~
Dean was nearly ready to move on as winter approached and the first snow fell on the 10th of December. He had just met a guy yesterday - dark blond mane, a rack that made his mouth water with curves and muscles at the exact right spot... and speaking of a mouth, when Dean had imagined all the things that guy could do with that gorgeous mouth of his he - let's just say he had met a guy he wouldn't push him out of bed... And he was planning on giving it a try. He would call tomorrow as soon as he left work.
They were sitting in Bobby's kitchen, sharing a six pack and somehow Dean knew there was something in the air. Of course he was right - remember the thing with Thursdays? Right, today was a Thursday, again. So when Dr. Singer opened his mouth the older Winchester knew there was trouble in sight.
Bobby told them of the new guy the owners had sent. A really unpleasant man. Smug and cold. He had asked for the records of some employees before. Everyone of them ended up being fired soon after. "Ruby now works at a McDonald's downtown..." Bobby mentioned nonchalantly.
"Ruby's gone?" Dean could not believe it. Of course he had noticed her absence and assumed she had taken a few days off.
"Gone for good. And today the guy was at Harker's office again. He told me to warn you, this time it were your records, boys."
Dean frowned. "Harker told you to warn us?"
Bobby nodded and continued after taking a swig from his bottle: "Harker may not like you, Dean, but he knows you are good and he sure as hell doesn't like a new guy to sack his employees. And Harker told me that the guy had asked about your Castiel Doe, too. He's sure he'll demand to switch off the machines really soon."
Now it was Sam's time to ask - Dean was too baffled to. "Harker knows...?"
"Boy did you really believe there are things happening in this hospital Harker does not know of?"
"He knew and didn't...?"
"Sam, he is no monster. He might have a problem with your brother but he actually can be quite passable."
"So...", Dean muttered after finishing off his beer, "We not only are at risk of losing our job but this new guy will kill Cas cold-bloodedly. I think I need something of the hard stuff, Bobby..."
The three of them ended up drunk way before midnight. And it was around that time Dean thought he had the solution to their problem.
"Hey! I know wha' we havta do! You, Sammy...", Dean pointed a finger at his brother nearly sending an empty bottle flying.
"It's Sam...", the younger Wincherster muttered but he already knew his protest would be in vain.
"You, Sammy...", Dean repeated, "will op'rate Cas. Remove the coa... gulum and hemo... hemorrhage."
"He'll pro'bly die, Dean!" the younger Winchester objected.
"He'll surely die 's soon 's the machines're switched off, Sammy. An' if you're successful an' the guy who's been in coma for half a fuckin' year after selflessly rescuin' a lil girl wakes up 'gain there'll be media coverage! Your name'll be restored and even if the fucker decides to fire you the other hospitals'll be pantin' for ya!"
Although Dean was enthusiastic and positive his plan was bound to succeed both Bobby and Sam begged to differ.
The next morning even Dean wasn't so sure anymore. Unfortunately nobody had a better idea.
~*~
Again it was a Thursday but this time it was nothing bad that happened. On the 16th of December Sam had given his best, had cut open Castiel's very brain and removed every bit of blood that didn't belong there. On the next day, said Thursday, Dean could look into the bluest eyes again for the first time in nearly half a year. He wasn't over the moon he was already in the next galaxy. Sam too was happy, glad his procedure had been a success, pride and joy likewise making his head float.
Dean hovered over Castiel, didn't leave the room so much as to pee so he was present as a huge dark skinned man opened the door and glared at the older Winchester before finally entering the room. He was not a tall as Sam but had broad shoulders and a built that made him look three times his size. He piercing glare didn't help in making him more likable. So this was him. The guy that had not only wanted to fire his brother but to kill the love of his freaking live.
The guy's eyes were fixed on Castiel and didn't leave the thin sleeping figure while a frown formed on the dark forehead. "Is this Castiel Doe?" It sounded more like an order than a question. Dean nodded mutely not trusting his mouth to let something civil out.
"His name is not Castiel Doe."
"You know him?" The older Winchester was astonished. In the six months of Castiel's hospitalization there had not been a single hint to who he really was.
"I do." The dark skinned man was now standing next to the bed and put a hand on Castiel's shoulder to wake up the sleeping figure.
"James."
Castiel did stir but not wake up.
"Jimmy. Wake up. Now." Again an order. Dean didn't like that guy talking like that, not even a tiny bit. But he clenched his teeth and waited.
Castiel blinked slowly. No recognition in his eyes.
"James? Do you know who I am?"
The lithe man was instantly wide awake. "You... you know my name? You know me?"
"Yes. I know you. We have worked together for many years. Your name is James Novak."
"And you are...?"
"Uriel. Zachariah sent me after your disappearance. I do not know why the police couldn't match you up with the missing persons reports."
Dean had a hunch why that particular procedure might not have worked as intended but knew better than to voice it. If really his idea to give Castiel not the customary name of John Doe had caused an computer error he was endlessly glad for it. Who knew if he had fallen in love with the guy if he had known Castiel was one of the hospital's new owners.
"I am sorry. I do not remember you, Mr. Uriel." Castiel looked sincerely afflicted and frustrated.
Dean had to talk to him alone. Now. "Mr. Uriel, I am afraid I have to insist of you leaving now. Mr. Novak just had brain surgery yesterday and still needs lots of quiet to recover. I think it would be better to talk to Dr. Singer. I am sure one of the nurses will point you in the right direction."
The glare he was rewarded with surely could have withered plants. But Uriel left.
They hadn't had a chance to talk since Castiel... Jimmy had woken up briefly after the surgery. Although Dean was dying to clear a few points - like if they were really both in love with each other - he had not had the heart to wake the sleeping man. But now he had to know for sure - only... how do you start this kind of conversation? I love you, do you love me, too? No.
"Yes..."
Huh? Dean turned his head to Cas... Jimmy and blinked in confusion. "What...?"
"I do love you."
"How...?"
Cast... Jimmy's smile grew. "I have a few tricks down my sleeve you could say."
"Are you really an Angel?" Dean blurted out before his brain could stop his mouth.
This raised laughter - but not the gloating kind. Jimmy's eyes crinkled and his entire being seemed to be lit up with joy while his body shook with laughter. It took a while for the lithe man to calm down enough before he could answer. "Dean, you already know I'm Castiel, the Angel of Thursday."
"You are not James Novak?"
"No, I'm not Jimmy, I'm Castiel."
Dean didn't care whether that meant the pale man in front of him was an honest to god Angel of the Lord or he just wasn't James Novak any longer because he could not remember a thing about his former live and wanted Dean to call him Castiel now. He really couldn't care less because the one question that actually mattered had been answered. Castiel was in love with him. And the older Winchester's heart threatened to burst out of his ribcage. There was just too much warmth, joy and happiness to contain inside such a small human frame. He knew he was grinning like mad and it honestly didn't matter anymore. The man he was in love with had finally woken up. They could have a future. They could try it out. There were so many possibilities opening in front of Dean, so many things they could do. He simply did not know where to start, how to let the entire world know how he felt.
Dean did the only thing he could. He leaned down and kissed Castiel.
AN: I do believe there will be an epilog. Hopefully this year :)
Oh and if you need a soundtrack for this chapter (at least for the end, try the Song for Ten from Doctor Who - Original Television Soundtrack!
Epilog