(no subject)
For years I've been telling myself and others that Im quiet because I like talking only when something really needs to be said; so much so that I actually started to believe it myself.
The truth of the matter is I really dont have much to say. I feel ignorant and out of place in conversations, unable to respond to anything, groping for some expressiveness and fluidity that just does't seem to exist within myself.
More often than not I find myself looking out my window at people passing below in pairs and groups and wondering how they arrived at such fortunate circumstances, and whether or not they realize how fortunate they are. I wonder what aspects of their lives led them to this place, at this point in time, and gave them the tools necessary to survive and thrive in such an environment.
At times like that I feel exempt, not from any particular group or situation, but from the relative security of being someone with substance and character, with definite interests and direction - both to and from - and who has the ability to be themselves regardless of the environment.
The problem is I havent found my 'self' yet, which isnt to say I've never known it, but more that I lost it somewhere along the way and have yet to recover it. I feel as though Im in some sort of perpetual No Man's Land; a purgatory unto itself created from the scraps and fringes of various forms of existence, but without the depth and direction of any definite lifestyle.
The struggle last year was in defining Home. The struggle this year is defining Me.
To be open to the world; to form opinions and gain perspective; to interact and engage; to be engaged; to commit to something, ANYTHING, which allows even the semblence of direction; to potentially make mistakes and above all find comfort within myself; these are the goals.Concisely: To become a Being, an entity unto life.