Fic: mermaid!Tazer AU (3/?)
More shameless ridiculousness :D
Part 1 | 2
The next morning, Tazer’s half-expecting to find Kaner in front of his bedcave again. But he when he cautiously approaches the corridor, there’s no one there. Just a small school of gobies skirting around the lakebed.
Tazer grumpily waves them off as he drifts towards the kitchen. There’s no practice today so Tazer will have to make his own morning shake. Maman’s out running errands and Dad’s at work.
He shoves some organic cattails and salmon roe into a blender and cranks them into puree, letting his mind wander about what he should accomplish today.
Normally, he’d do a bit of light conditioning like taking laps to the sunken Caledonia, then running drills in the backyard. His dad finished setting up the net last week, and it’s just like the one from home back in Lake Winnipeg.
Tazer pours the protein shake into a conch and sucks on the end, drinking thoughtfully. In the afternoon, he supposed he could let himself relax with a stop by TJ’s. Maybe they’ll grab Parise, head north for a few beers at the Pascal Pratt shipwreck.
It sounds like a good way to spend a day off, so Tazer sticks the conch in the dirty dishes rack and wanders out of the cave. Does some quick stretches, then sets off for the Caledonia.
Yet somehow, when he reaches the ruins about twenty minutes later, he finds himself swimming straight past and towards his hidden cove, further south.
He’s not entirely sure why. Is it because Kaner might be there, and in some sick way he’s gotten used to starting his day with Kaner’s ugly mug? That’s fucking sad, man. Kaner’s obnoxious and cocky and like, the opposite of fun. And he keeps sticking his tongue in Tazer’s mouth while he’s trying to save his life, which is pretty rude and seriously gross.
Yeah, Tazer should really turn around now.
But he doesn’t.
When he’s getting close to the cove, Tazer pushes up towards the surface, slowing down as the water around him grows brighter and brighter.
Gills huffing, Tazer carefully peeks above water.
The familiar cave comes into view, marked by huge piles of dark, shale rock that help conceal the entrance from those just passing by.
Tazer drifts closer, heartbeat still thumping from the brisk swim. Moves so that he can see all the way to the back of the shallow cave.
It’s empty.
Tazer feels the disappointment settle in his gut, like he’s swallowed a stone. And not because he actually wanted to see Kaner; he just was just hoping to collect free beer, is all.
With a sigh, Tazer flips onto his back and floats. He came all this way, might as well enjoy a bit of sun before heading back down.
At any rate, it’s fine that Kaner isn’t there. (Even though he pretty much promised he would be, the liar.) Tazer should be concentrating on netball and the upcoming playoffs, not wasting his time getting drunk with a human and breaking about six thousand laws, at that.
Something cold and hard bounces off his chest, making Tazer jerk upright with a muttered curse. Head swiveling, his eyes land on an aluminum can bobbing up and down in the water a few feet away, winking at him, silver and blue.
He reaches out and seizes the can, staring down at it. It’s a Bud Light. Anticipation whets in his belly, and Tazer lifts his eyes to search the shoreline.
“Aww, that’s sweet,” Kaner calls out from where he’s walking down the beach, swinging a plastic bag with a lopsided grin on his face. “Were you waiting for me all morning?”
“Yeah, right,” Tazer scoffs loudly. “You wish.”
“No? Then give me my beer back.”
Tazer makes his way over to the mouth of the cove, where Kaner’s hopping stones to get into the shade.
“You want your beer back?” Tazer asks as Kaner flops down next to him, feet dangling in the water. “Well, here’s your beer.” Tazer cracks open the tab with a satisfying sound, then tilts his head back and-eyeing Kaner to make sure he’s watching-pounds the drink with big, thirsty gulps.
When it’s empty, he crushes the can and throws it at Kaner’s slack face.
“Get me another one,” he says, feeling awesome when Kaner jumps a little bit with a weird, guilty expression and turns around to shuffle noisily through the plastic bag.
He pulls out another blue can but instead of handing it over like a good little human, Kaner visibly shakes himself, then turns to Tazer with a wide, lazy smile on his stupid face. “I’ll give you another beer if you can do this.”
He gets his teeth on the tab and pops it open, froth going everywhere like a wave breaking. It’s messy and Kaner spills half the damned thing on his shirtfront, but the rest he guzzles in about three seconds flat.
It’s pretty impressive, but Tazer would sooner throw a playoffs game than say so. “Amateur,” he replies instead, beckoning for another drink.
As soon as Kaner presses it into his hand, cold and wet with condensation, Tazer feels his competitive side ignite. There’s no way he’s gonna lose to Kaner, who doesn’t seem to excel at anything but drowning in lakes and getting drunk.
Holding the beer in one hand, Tazer reaches over Kaner’s splayed legs to grab a flat, sharp-edged rock off the sandy floor. Uses it to punch a hole in the bottom of the can and quickly seals his mouth over it-cracks open the top-then swallows the sudden rush of foamy liquid, fast as he can.
When he emerges, Kaner looks suitably appreciative and Tazer takes a moment to send up silent thanks to TJ’s expansive research in beer-drinking tricks. He pumps a victorious fist in the air and burps loudly.
“How did you even learn to shotgun a beer?” Kaner eventually asks, idly tugging at the soaked collar of his t-shirt. “There’s like, no gravity and shit underwater.”
“The cans are designed a little different, but it’s the same idea.” Tazer crushes the empty and flicks it at Kaner’s lap. “Come on. Is that all you got?”
“Fuck no,” Kaner says, getting a determined glint in his eye that pleases Tazer to no end.
Instead of grabbing another beer, however, Kaner lifts the hem of his t-shirt and peels off the white, clingy fabric, revealing pasty skin that could reflect the sun with how pale he is. Except for Kaner’s arms and face, which are tanned and brown. He looks ridiculous.
“Yeah, you wish you had this body,” Kaner smirks.
Tazer snorts, pulling his fist back to punch him in the leg, but Kaner suddenly drops into the lake and-like the failure he is-misjudges so that they’re way too close, water lapping up between their torsos.
“What are you doing?” Tazer asks hurriedly, feeling his face warm as he backs up to an appropriate distance.
“Teach me how to drink a beer underwater,” Kaner says eagerly, following him like a pesky cleaner shrimp.
Tazer shoves at his shoulder and tries to swim away, but Kaner’s fast and leaps onto his back alarmingly.
“Jesus-“ Tazer tries to shake him off, but the kid’s got grip like an octopus. Squeezes like one, too. Tazer’s words come out a bit strangled as he protests, “Get off, fuckface.”
“Not until you show me how to drink like a mermaid.”
Tazer doesn’t dignify that with a response. Simply slides into the water and switches to gills, taking Kaner with him.
It doesn’t make the idiot let go like Tazer hoped it would, though. If anything Kaner just holds on tighter, wrapping his legs around Tazer’s waist and plastering himself on like a second skin.
Flustered, Tazer dives deeper into the water-twenty, thirty feet down-when, oh yeah, he remembers that Kaner’s a stubborn fucker who probably isn’t going to let go of Tazer because of anything so trivial as staying alive.
“Damn it, Kaner,” he says, braking hard and surging back up through a tickly cloud of micro-bubbles.
When they finally careen out of the water, Tazer uses the momentum to forcibly throw Kaner into the cove. The asshole’s half-coughing, half-laughing as he skitters onto land.
Tazer takes a deep breath with his lungs as he swims up to the cave and demands, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He fails to see how any of this is funny.
“Nothing, I just,” Kaner gets out, his chuckles tapering off. “God, you’re so easy to wind up. Are all mer-people this easy, or are you just special?”
“Fuck you,” Tazer glares. He propels forward with a hard thrust of his tail and plucks the plastic bag from beside Kaner’s stupid human legs.
“Hey!” Kaner yelps, scrambling forward. “Come on, share?”
“No.” Tazer pulls out the remainder of the six-pack from the plastic bag, two cans hanging heavily from plastic rings, then throws the trash at Kaner’s face. “If you leave that in the lake, I’ll kill you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Kaner says, balling up the plastic bag in his fist. “Sheesh, I’m sorry, okay? I get it. No touching. But I still wanna know how to drink a beer underwater.” He holds up a curled hand in front of his mouth. “Do you like-I don’t know, suck it out?” Kaner’s cheeks hollow as he demonstrates in a way that really…really…doesn’t look like he’s drinking a beer.
Tazer’s stomach clenches like he had polluted tuna for lunch .“Jesus Christ, Kaner,” he says.
“What?” Kaner asks cluelessly. But at least he’s dropped his hand and ceased pretending to suck…beer.
“Never mind,” Tazer says, face coloring up. Fuck. Apparently, it’s possible to lose brain cells just by hanging out with someone as dumb as Patrick fucking Kane. Even just an hour with the human makes Tazer feel weird and, like, a little out of control.
He doesn’t like being out of control.
“Have your stupid surface-beer back,” Tazer huffs, throwing the cans at Kaner.
He doesn’t wave good-bye or anything, just dives deep into the comforting arms of the lake.
Next
Part 1 | 2
The next morning, Tazer’s half-expecting to find Kaner in front of his bedcave again. But he when he cautiously approaches the corridor, there’s no one there. Just a small school of gobies skirting around the lakebed.
Tazer grumpily waves them off as he drifts towards the kitchen. There’s no practice today so Tazer will have to make his own morning shake. Maman’s out running errands and Dad’s at work.
He shoves some organic cattails and salmon roe into a blender and cranks them into puree, letting his mind wander about what he should accomplish today.
Normally, he’d do a bit of light conditioning like taking laps to the sunken Caledonia, then running drills in the backyard. His dad finished setting up the net last week, and it’s just like the one from home back in Lake Winnipeg.
Tazer pours the protein shake into a conch and sucks on the end, drinking thoughtfully. In the afternoon, he supposed he could let himself relax with a stop by TJ’s. Maybe they’ll grab Parise, head north for a few beers at the Pascal Pratt shipwreck.
It sounds like a good way to spend a day off, so Tazer sticks the conch in the dirty dishes rack and wanders out of the cave. Does some quick stretches, then sets off for the Caledonia.
Yet somehow, when he reaches the ruins about twenty minutes later, he finds himself swimming straight past and towards his hidden cove, further south.
He’s not entirely sure why. Is it because Kaner might be there, and in some sick way he’s gotten used to starting his day with Kaner’s ugly mug? That’s fucking sad, man. Kaner’s obnoxious and cocky and like, the opposite of fun. And he keeps sticking his tongue in Tazer’s mouth while he’s trying to save his life, which is pretty rude and seriously gross.
Yeah, Tazer should really turn around now.
But he doesn’t.
When he’s getting close to the cove, Tazer pushes up towards the surface, slowing down as the water around him grows brighter and brighter.
Gills huffing, Tazer carefully peeks above water.
The familiar cave comes into view, marked by huge piles of dark, shale rock that help conceal the entrance from those just passing by.
Tazer drifts closer, heartbeat still thumping from the brisk swim. Moves so that he can see all the way to the back of the shallow cave.
It’s empty.
Tazer feels the disappointment settle in his gut, like he’s swallowed a stone. And not because he actually wanted to see Kaner; he just was just hoping to collect free beer, is all.
With a sigh, Tazer flips onto his back and floats. He came all this way, might as well enjoy a bit of sun before heading back down.
At any rate, it’s fine that Kaner isn’t there. (Even though he pretty much promised he would be, the liar.) Tazer should be concentrating on netball and the upcoming playoffs, not wasting his time getting drunk with a human and breaking about six thousand laws, at that.
Something cold and hard bounces off his chest, making Tazer jerk upright with a muttered curse. Head swiveling, his eyes land on an aluminum can bobbing up and down in the water a few feet away, winking at him, silver and blue.
He reaches out and seizes the can, staring down at it. It’s a Bud Light. Anticipation whets in his belly, and Tazer lifts his eyes to search the shoreline.
“Aww, that’s sweet,” Kaner calls out from where he’s walking down the beach, swinging a plastic bag with a lopsided grin on his face. “Were you waiting for me all morning?”
“Yeah, right,” Tazer scoffs loudly. “You wish.”
“No? Then give me my beer back.”
Tazer makes his way over to the mouth of the cove, where Kaner’s hopping stones to get into the shade.
“You want your beer back?” Tazer asks as Kaner flops down next to him, feet dangling in the water. “Well, here’s your beer.” Tazer cracks open the tab with a satisfying sound, then tilts his head back and-eyeing Kaner to make sure he’s watching-pounds the drink with big, thirsty gulps.
When it’s empty, he crushes the can and throws it at Kaner’s slack face.
“Get me another one,” he says, feeling awesome when Kaner jumps a little bit with a weird, guilty expression and turns around to shuffle noisily through the plastic bag.
He pulls out another blue can but instead of handing it over like a good little human, Kaner visibly shakes himself, then turns to Tazer with a wide, lazy smile on his stupid face. “I’ll give you another beer if you can do this.”
He gets his teeth on the tab and pops it open, froth going everywhere like a wave breaking. It’s messy and Kaner spills half the damned thing on his shirtfront, but the rest he guzzles in about three seconds flat.
It’s pretty impressive, but Tazer would sooner throw a playoffs game than say so. “Amateur,” he replies instead, beckoning for another drink.
As soon as Kaner presses it into his hand, cold and wet with condensation, Tazer feels his competitive side ignite. There’s no way he’s gonna lose to Kaner, who doesn’t seem to excel at anything but drowning in lakes and getting drunk.
Holding the beer in one hand, Tazer reaches over Kaner’s splayed legs to grab a flat, sharp-edged rock off the sandy floor. Uses it to punch a hole in the bottom of the can and quickly seals his mouth over it-cracks open the top-then swallows the sudden rush of foamy liquid, fast as he can.
When he emerges, Kaner looks suitably appreciative and Tazer takes a moment to send up silent thanks to TJ’s expansive research in beer-drinking tricks. He pumps a victorious fist in the air and burps loudly.
“How did you even learn to shotgun a beer?” Kaner eventually asks, idly tugging at the soaked collar of his t-shirt. “There’s like, no gravity and shit underwater.”
“The cans are designed a little different, but it’s the same idea.” Tazer crushes the empty and flicks it at Kaner’s lap. “Come on. Is that all you got?”
“Fuck no,” Kaner says, getting a determined glint in his eye that pleases Tazer to no end.
Instead of grabbing another beer, however, Kaner lifts the hem of his t-shirt and peels off the white, clingy fabric, revealing pasty skin that could reflect the sun with how pale he is. Except for Kaner’s arms and face, which are tanned and brown. He looks ridiculous.
“Yeah, you wish you had this body,” Kaner smirks.
Tazer snorts, pulling his fist back to punch him in the leg, but Kaner suddenly drops into the lake and-like the failure he is-misjudges so that they’re way too close, water lapping up between their torsos.
“What are you doing?” Tazer asks hurriedly, feeling his face warm as he backs up to an appropriate distance.
“Teach me how to drink a beer underwater,” Kaner says eagerly, following him like a pesky cleaner shrimp.
Tazer shoves at his shoulder and tries to swim away, but Kaner’s fast and leaps onto his back alarmingly.
“Jesus-“ Tazer tries to shake him off, but the kid’s got grip like an octopus. Squeezes like one, too. Tazer’s words come out a bit strangled as he protests, “Get off, fuckface.”
“Not until you show me how to drink like a mermaid.”
Tazer doesn’t dignify that with a response. Simply slides into the water and switches to gills, taking Kaner with him.
It doesn’t make the idiot let go like Tazer hoped it would, though. If anything Kaner just holds on tighter, wrapping his legs around Tazer’s waist and plastering himself on like a second skin.
Flustered, Tazer dives deeper into the water-twenty, thirty feet down-when, oh yeah, he remembers that Kaner’s a stubborn fucker who probably isn’t going to let go of Tazer because of anything so trivial as staying alive.
“Damn it, Kaner,” he says, braking hard and surging back up through a tickly cloud of micro-bubbles.
When they finally careen out of the water, Tazer uses the momentum to forcibly throw Kaner into the cove. The asshole’s half-coughing, half-laughing as he skitters onto land.
Tazer takes a deep breath with his lungs as he swims up to the cave and demands, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He fails to see how any of this is funny.
“Nothing, I just,” Kaner gets out, his chuckles tapering off. “God, you’re so easy to wind up. Are all mer-people this easy, or are you just special?”
“Fuck you,” Tazer glares. He propels forward with a hard thrust of his tail and plucks the plastic bag from beside Kaner’s stupid human legs.
“Hey!” Kaner yelps, scrambling forward. “Come on, share?”
“No.” Tazer pulls out the remainder of the six-pack from the plastic bag, two cans hanging heavily from plastic rings, then throws the trash at Kaner’s face. “If you leave that in the lake, I’ll kill you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Kaner says, balling up the plastic bag in his fist. “Sheesh, I’m sorry, okay? I get it. No touching. But I still wanna know how to drink a beer underwater.” He holds up a curled hand in front of his mouth. “Do you like-I don’t know, suck it out?” Kaner’s cheeks hollow as he demonstrates in a way that really…really…doesn’t look like he’s drinking a beer.
Tazer’s stomach clenches like he had polluted tuna for lunch .“Jesus Christ, Kaner,” he says.
“What?” Kaner asks cluelessly. But at least he’s dropped his hand and ceased pretending to suck…beer.
“Never mind,” Tazer says, face coloring up. Fuck. Apparently, it’s possible to lose brain cells just by hanging out with someone as dumb as Patrick fucking Kane. Even just an hour with the human makes Tazer feel weird and, like, a little out of control.
He doesn’t like being out of control.
“Have your stupid surface-beer back,” Tazer huffs, throwing the cans at Kaner.
He doesn’t wave good-bye or anything, just dives deep into the comforting arms of the lake.
Next