Fic: Reality Bites Back [PG] 1/1 H2G2/TW crossover
Title: Reality Bites Back
Author: A Lanart
Fandom: Torchwood/Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Pairing: Torchwood Team, Zaphod Beeblebrox, (Arthur Dent), vague Jack/Zaphod
Rating: PG for 1 swear
Warnings/Spoilers: It's crack
Summary: Arthur visits Cardiff, but he's not the only Heart of Gold crew-member to do so.
Disclaimer: Anything you might recognise is not mine.
A/N: Happy Birthday donutsweeper! Hope You like it! And thanks to idontlikegravy for the original inspiration though I'm afraid this didn't turn out like your prompt in the slightest. This is a sequel of sorts to Twist in My Reality, my previous H2G2/Torchwood crossover.
~*~
Jack smiled as he watched Ianto and Arthur merge into the crowd, heading toward the castle and Ianto’s promised afternoon tea. It had been good to chat with Arthur again, though he hadn’t been able to resist teasing him about his lack of dressing gown which resulted in Jack receiving one of Ianto’s patented glares and an eyebrow of doom. With a chuckle at the memory Jack turned toward the invisible lift and the Hub.
As the lift descended he realised that Arthur wasn’t the only person from the Heart of Gold to visit, and of course Ianto wasn’t around to defuse the situation. Jack sighed, and wished the lift would go faster.
“Oh, wow! Secret underground base! How froody is that?” The flamboyantly dressed but scruffy haired figure bounced around the main area of The Hub, evading an annoyed looking Owen and Gwen with ease. He paused occasionally to pronounce things hoopy and cool, splashed into the pool at the base of the fountain and stuck his head in the stream of water. He emerged scant seconds later with a grin on his face. “Hey, hydrocarbons! This place is froodelicious!” Zaphod then seemed to realise he was no longer the centre of attention, and dashed up to the main platform.
The lift finally reached ground level and Jack jumped off the paving slab.
“Who let him in?” He hissed at Owen.
“We didn’t *let* him in - he just appeared. Said if Arthur could visit Ianto he was going to visit ‘Jacky-boy’. Where the fuck did you find this guy? I mean, Jacky-boy?” Jack grinned and shrugged.
“Would you believe me if I told you it was on an impossible space ship?”
Owen sighed. “Right now I’d believe anything. He’s trying to chat up Tosh.”
“He... oh hell.” Jack hurried up the stairs to his office to keep an eye on proceedings from its relative safety, but fully prepared to intervene if needed. Owen followed him in blessed silence.
It seemed that trying to chat up Tosh was all Zaphod had managed to do. She appeared to either not realise or not care that there was another, unexpected, occupant of the Hub and Jack didn’t know whether she was genuinely that engrossed in her work or was simply taking what refuge she could from the chaos that was Zaphod Beeblebrox. Tosh didn’t much like chaos unless she could find a pattern in it and as far as Jack had been able to tell, Zaphod was entropy personified.
Apparently tired of trying to attract Tosh’s attention by his mere presence, Zaphod had resorted to words.
“Hey, doll. Anyone ever told you that you’re cuter than the Megahuronia of Ffrrnilgon?”
Tosh’s gaze didn’t move an inch away from her display as her fingers flew over her keyboard. Zaphod moved closer, leaning on her desk in what appeared to be an effort to put himself into her visual field. Probably, Jack thought, because he didn’t think she would be able to resist him if she actually *saw* him. It didn’t succeed; Tosh resolutely ignored Zaphod and continued to concentrate on her work.
“I’m from another planet, baby.”
No answer.
“And I’m the only surviving criminal ex-president of the Galaxy.” Jack had to chuckle at that as he knew the others usually changed the law to ensure they weren’t criminals any more, and that they were probably all very much alive.
However, Tosh still didn’t acknowledge Zaphod.
“I have 3 arms.” Zaphod kindly demonstrated the fact by waving them all in the air at once, though he had to slap one of them down when it started to pick his nose.
Nothing.
“I stole the most improbable space ship in the entire *universe*!”
There was only the clickety-clack of fingers on the keyboard in answer. Jack was aware that Owen was on one side of him, and Gwen had appeared to stand on the other but all they could do was stare at Tosh steadfastly ignoring the flamboyant, 3 armed, criminal ex-president of the galaxy.
“I’ll have you know that I’m a veeery good friend of Eccentrica Gallumbits.” Zaphod tried out what Jack presumed was one of his seductive voices; it didn’t seem to make any difference to Tosh.
“You can’t be human, sweet-cheeks,” Zaphod sulked. “No human can resist the lure of Zaphod Beeblebrox.”
Tosh stopped typing and Jack suppressed a whoop of laughter at the smirk of triumph on her face that luckily Zaphod couldn’t see.
“Oh but I am,” she said. “Completely and utterly, boringly human. And you’re obviously a friend of Jack’s. I think you’ll find him over there.” Tosh waved in the general direction of the office. “Now please go away, I have work to do.” Both her hands descended to the keyboard again and she continued doing whatever it was. Jack decided to step in at that point, he recognised the slight wobble around Zaphod’s features and he knew the last thing he wanted was for Zaphod’s second head to make an appearance. He strode forward, grabbing a bar of chocolate from the basket on his shelves on the way out of the office, and pinned one of his trademark smiles on his face.
“Zaphod, fancy seeing you here! How are you, my friend?!”
“She ignored me.”
“That’s Tosh for you. More interested in tech than talk.”
“But she ignored *me*!”
Jack patted Zaphod's shoulder. “Welcome to my reality. Never mind Tosh though, I’ll introduce you to a female who will be much more appreciative of your charms. You forgot the all important rule.”
“Rule? I’ve never done *rules*.”
“I recommend you remember this one; the way to a female’s heart is with chocolate.” Jack waved the chocolate bar in front of Zaphod’s face. “Now, do you want to meet Myfanwy?”
“She won’t ignore me?”
“I can guarantee that.”
“Then take me to Myfanwy, Jacky-boy!”
*
Tosh grinned as she watched them head for the gantry and Myfanwy’s nest. Zaphod had slung one arm companionably round Jack’s shoulder, was gesticulating wildly with another and the third was slung low around Jack’s hips with the attached hand disappearing down the back of Jack’s trousers. Jack of course was leaning into the touch. She shook her head, chuckling. After years of attempting to become immune to Jack’s charms, ignoring Zaphod had been easy, though somewhat amusing, and she’d managed to beat her previous sudoku record too. The fact that both Owen and Gwen were gaping at her from the office like very surprised koi was an added bonus. It was Owen who found his voice first.
“Toshiko Sato, you are an Evil Genius.”
“I know.” She leaned back in her chair and stretched. “But even us Evil Geniuses need a rest sometime. Anyone ready for coffee?”
“I...” the rest of what Owen had been going to say was cut off by a lascivious sounding chuckle from the upper levels. Tosh suppressed a giggle as Owen breathed a long-suffering sigh. “Yeah, Tosh. That sounds like a great idea.” As the three of them left, Tosh was mentally reviewing the CCTV programming and she decided she’d done enough tweaking to be able to keep tabs on just what a man from another time, a 3 armed alien and a pterosaur were getting up to. She patted the pocket that contained her adapted PDA with satisfaction - an Evil Genius was never without her gadgets after all...
Author: A Lanart
Fandom: Torchwood/Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Pairing: Torchwood Team, Zaphod Beeblebrox, (Arthur Dent), vague Jack/Zaphod
Rating: PG for 1 swear
Warnings/Spoilers: It's crack
Summary: Arthur visits Cardiff, but he's not the only Heart of Gold crew-member to do so.
Disclaimer: Anything you might recognise is not mine.
A/N: Happy Birthday donutsweeper! Hope You like it! And thanks to idontlikegravy for the original inspiration though I'm afraid this didn't turn out like your prompt in the slightest. This is a sequel of sorts to Twist in My Reality, my previous H2G2/Torchwood crossover.
~*~
Jack smiled as he watched Ianto and Arthur merge into the crowd, heading toward the castle and Ianto’s promised afternoon tea. It had been good to chat with Arthur again, though he hadn’t been able to resist teasing him about his lack of dressing gown which resulted in Jack receiving one of Ianto’s patented glares and an eyebrow of doom. With a chuckle at the memory Jack turned toward the invisible lift and the Hub.
As the lift descended he realised that Arthur wasn’t the only person from the Heart of Gold to visit, and of course Ianto wasn’t around to defuse the situation. Jack sighed, and wished the lift would go faster.
“Oh, wow! Secret underground base! How froody is that?” The flamboyantly dressed but scruffy haired figure bounced around the main area of The Hub, evading an annoyed looking Owen and Gwen with ease. He paused occasionally to pronounce things hoopy and cool, splashed into the pool at the base of the fountain and stuck his head in the stream of water. He emerged scant seconds later with a grin on his face. “Hey, hydrocarbons! This place is froodelicious!” Zaphod then seemed to realise he was no longer the centre of attention, and dashed up to the main platform.
The lift finally reached ground level and Jack jumped off the paving slab.
“Who let him in?” He hissed at Owen.
“We didn’t *let* him in - he just appeared. Said if Arthur could visit Ianto he was going to visit ‘Jacky-boy’. Where the fuck did you find this guy? I mean, Jacky-boy?” Jack grinned and shrugged.
“Would you believe me if I told you it was on an impossible space ship?”
Owen sighed. “Right now I’d believe anything. He’s trying to chat up Tosh.”
“He... oh hell.” Jack hurried up the stairs to his office to keep an eye on proceedings from its relative safety, but fully prepared to intervene if needed. Owen followed him in blessed silence.
It seemed that trying to chat up Tosh was all Zaphod had managed to do. She appeared to either not realise or not care that there was another, unexpected, occupant of the Hub and Jack didn’t know whether she was genuinely that engrossed in her work or was simply taking what refuge she could from the chaos that was Zaphod Beeblebrox. Tosh didn’t much like chaos unless she could find a pattern in it and as far as Jack had been able to tell, Zaphod was entropy personified.
Apparently tired of trying to attract Tosh’s attention by his mere presence, Zaphod had resorted to words.
“Hey, doll. Anyone ever told you that you’re cuter than the Megahuronia of Ffrrnilgon?”
Tosh’s gaze didn’t move an inch away from her display as her fingers flew over her keyboard. Zaphod moved closer, leaning on her desk in what appeared to be an effort to put himself into her visual field. Probably, Jack thought, because he didn’t think she would be able to resist him if she actually *saw* him. It didn’t succeed; Tosh resolutely ignored Zaphod and continued to concentrate on her work.
“I’m from another planet, baby.”
No answer.
“And I’m the only surviving criminal ex-president of the Galaxy.” Jack had to chuckle at that as he knew the others usually changed the law to ensure they weren’t criminals any more, and that they were probably all very much alive.
However, Tosh still didn’t acknowledge Zaphod.
“I have 3 arms.” Zaphod kindly demonstrated the fact by waving them all in the air at once, though he had to slap one of them down when it started to pick his nose.
Nothing.
“I stole the most improbable space ship in the entire *universe*!”
There was only the clickety-clack of fingers on the keyboard in answer. Jack was aware that Owen was on one side of him, and Gwen had appeared to stand on the other but all they could do was stare at Tosh steadfastly ignoring the flamboyant, 3 armed, criminal ex-president of the galaxy.
“I’ll have you know that I’m a veeery good friend of Eccentrica Gallumbits.” Zaphod tried out what Jack presumed was one of his seductive voices; it didn’t seem to make any difference to Tosh.
“You can’t be human, sweet-cheeks,” Zaphod sulked. “No human can resist the lure of Zaphod Beeblebrox.”
Tosh stopped typing and Jack suppressed a whoop of laughter at the smirk of triumph on her face that luckily Zaphod couldn’t see.
“Oh but I am,” she said. “Completely and utterly, boringly human. And you’re obviously a friend of Jack’s. I think you’ll find him over there.” Tosh waved in the general direction of the office. “Now please go away, I have work to do.” Both her hands descended to the keyboard again and she continued doing whatever it was. Jack decided to step in at that point, he recognised the slight wobble around Zaphod’s features and he knew the last thing he wanted was for Zaphod’s second head to make an appearance. He strode forward, grabbing a bar of chocolate from the basket on his shelves on the way out of the office, and pinned one of his trademark smiles on his face.
“Zaphod, fancy seeing you here! How are you, my friend?!”
“She ignored me.”
“That’s Tosh for you. More interested in tech than talk.”
“But she ignored *me*!”
Jack patted Zaphod's shoulder. “Welcome to my reality. Never mind Tosh though, I’ll introduce you to a female who will be much more appreciative of your charms. You forgot the all important rule.”
“Rule? I’ve never done *rules*.”
“I recommend you remember this one; the way to a female’s heart is with chocolate.” Jack waved the chocolate bar in front of Zaphod’s face. “Now, do you want to meet Myfanwy?”
“She won’t ignore me?”
“I can guarantee that.”
“Then take me to Myfanwy, Jacky-boy!”
*
Tosh grinned as she watched them head for the gantry and Myfanwy’s nest. Zaphod had slung one arm companionably round Jack’s shoulder, was gesticulating wildly with another and the third was slung low around Jack’s hips with the attached hand disappearing down the back of Jack’s trousers. Jack of course was leaning into the touch. She shook her head, chuckling. After years of attempting to become immune to Jack’s charms, ignoring Zaphod had been easy, though somewhat amusing, and she’d managed to beat her previous sudoku record too. The fact that both Owen and Gwen were gaping at her from the office like very surprised koi was an added bonus. It was Owen who found his voice first.
“Toshiko Sato, you are an Evil Genius.”
“I know.” She leaned back in her chair and stretched. “But even us Evil Geniuses need a rest sometime. Anyone ready for coffee?”
“I...” the rest of what Owen had been going to say was cut off by a lascivious sounding chuckle from the upper levels. Tosh suppressed a giggle as Owen breathed a long-suffering sigh. “Yeah, Tosh. That sounds like a great idea.” As the three of them left, Tosh was mentally reviewing the CCTV programming and she decided she’d done enough tweaking to be able to keep tabs on just what a man from another time, a 3 armed alien and a pterosaur were getting up to. She patted the pocket that contained her adapted PDA with satisfaction - an Evil Genius was never without her gadgets after all...