Comin' home has a new meaning
I've got my zune on random, and it played comin' home from kiss' album MTV unplugged. For some reason I sat started bawling.
It suddenly reminded me of how things used to be. This was my greatest aspiration. To be the girl he was singing about.
To be loved.
It's still somewhat the same but so painfully different at the same time. So much has changed since I REALLY listened to KISS. They've always been a part of my life, always will.
It felt as though I had cheated on them for a second, as absurd as it sounds. Life was SO MUCH MORR SIMPLE then. Now it's all about money. And feeling a giant hole inside. Part of it is feeling like I hate myself and the other part is feeling unwanted and unworthy of having a relationship with someone (romantic, sexual, or just friends) without it somehow going sour.
I've been through so much unbelievable shit these past two years.
I was happy and tentatively engaged, mom was still married (yes to a prick but she was still stable and had a nice home and was a bit happier in that sense), I had a great job, I was going to be eventually living in a home with said kind of fiancé.
Then he stopped wanting me physically. That's where it started. I started seeing LDOD and then joined right after we broke up and I moved back in with mom. She found out she was being cheated on ON NEW YEARS DAY by the man she had been with for almost twenty fucking years. We moved into an apt in Kennesaw. I soon lost my job. I went through 1 more job (that wasn't worth it at ALL) before being unemployed for months. I had many memorable events happen in that apt, I performed at con for the first time, met Pat Quinn. Then after spending Christmas home alone (mom was taking care of grandma bc she had shingles that triggered her polio) and Hothlanta alone (I had people come over), I tried to start the new year positively. That's when jasmine and I started to hang out, and eventually become sisters. I got hired at IHOP.
Now I was working for too little money and living with my mom. She had just been divorced. I had a couple of small like week long relationships but they were either stupid, crazy, or addicted to pills. (hence it lasting so shortly).
I had become secretary/casting director/treasurer/makeup artist/main magenta for cast at this point. It really starts to go downhill. My friendship with one of my best friends of almost a decade from high school started to deteriorate because he let a very angry controlling person ruin it. She was on cast with us. I started to become a far more angry person than I've ever been bc of the stress my officer's position gave me. I let rocky take over everything. I gave almost every waking moment I could give to them. I lost a bunch of memories for this cast. I gave up on a lot. I was always tired, stressed, working myself to death.
I gained a new family of friends, who half of which will be my new roommates in march. I am so lucky to have them. Then con happened again. I performed again. It wasn't the same this time.
I owed Dustin money. Things went down when I couldn't help it, I left IHOP for costco, who are also awful employers (unless the sun does, IN FACT, shine out your ass, then you're fine). I was even more stressed. I had to step down as officer. Couldn't handle it anymore. The person who ruined my friendship took over this as well. Like a snake. Then bullied me on Facebook saying I should kill and hurt myself, etc.
I have been in a depression since march of 10. This took it over the edge. She should just be lucky I didn't hurt myself, she could be in jail. I had been bullied before, but not like this. She also attacked my mother. It was insane.
I had a boyfriend cheat on me with someone on my cast. A male cast member. Now, this was a bad relationship anyhow, but devastating to know regardless. It made me feel even more worthless.
I had stopped playing guitar for the ex fiancé bc I felt like with him and his skills around, I wasn't worthy of the instrument. And I've been playing for like 16 years!
I've been focusing on my singing.
I'm becoming a slightly more accomplished MUA and will start doing alternative modeling soon.
I will lose a bit of weight.
I had to lose my home bc we couldn't afford it anymore to be forced to live on a couch til I could get a new job and place to live. It could be worse, I could be riddled with disease, pregnant, or homeless, or all of that. Still, this is the lowest so far.
I now deliver pizzas. I make a lot of money doing it and love it a LOT. it is simple work. It's good for me right now. It's simple and easy. I've been through way too much rejection and pain the past 2 years... I need a job where I practically need to murder in order to get fired. I was in an accident last week on the job. What does my boss do? Pay for the tow. And tell me I don't owe him. I love my boss. Not that way, he's just so chill it rocks.
I would like it if someone I genuinely liked would like me more than physically. Any girl could be sexually attractive. Just saying. Holes are holes.
I want someone to want to love me physically bc it's ME. not bc of my ass or boobs. Fuck buddies are nice and all but it gets frustrating. I just want someone to date now that my job and living situations are being fixed. I'm slowly starting to like myself again.
Slowly...
Is it sad I got all of that from a song kiss re-recorded in the mid-90's?
I'm so fucking weird. If you read all of this, more power to you. It's been a long time since I put ALL my thoughts down in text. A very long time. This was therapeutic for my heart but not my thumbs.
I bid you all good night. I hope to be more similar to who I used to be, mixed with the experience, maturing, and expanded musical library of the present day me.
Hopefully. This also means like 15-20lbs lighter. I just wanna be a medium again.
Night guys.
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