(no subject)
SO this is going to be a stream of consciousness entry and I don't know if I'll go back and make it more cpherent or not.
I've been feeling really crappy recently. I mean, I usually feel crappy, but I guess this just seems a little worse. Dan has been having uber guilt issues lately stemming from his OCD and therefore is having subsequent sleep problems. I understand that going through things like that is hard because I'm going through it oo. Not exactly the same thing but I am. We're sent him the the regular doctor, dumped pills into him, and he's now eveing going to a new psychiatrist here in York who takes our insurance. He seems to slowly getting better. I keep telling him that he has to give the meds time to work. He likes to say that medication isn't working if he doesn't feel better the next day.
The thing is I'm getting really frustrated, upset, impatient, and depressed. Why? Because I want to know when it's going to be my turn. I feel like I'm never going to get any better and that no one cares enough to help me get there. I'm sure that's not true someone inside, especially since I know that Dan worries about me, but I can't help but feel that way and wonder why he isn't trying harder. And the thing is I feel like since I recognize that I have an issue that I should be able to handle it, right? I'm always the one of us who has to be strong. I can't share my problems and show my weakness to Dan because he'll just break down then too. This has happened before. I would be upset about something and start to cry and they would start to cry then too, so then I would feel like I have to fucking comfort him when I'm the one that needed it in the first place. I just want someone to be there for me once in a while. To hold me tight and tell me that everything will be ok, and maybe even believe that. He doesn't or can't. I just want to stop worrying for a little while.
I had a sleep study done on Sept. 5th. After waiting a fucking week to hear back from the damn doctor, he tells me what my results were good and my oxygen levels were normal, and the only problem I had was that it took me a little longer to fall asleep which might have to do with my sleep schedule. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN??? SO I can't sleep worth shit and feel exhausted even after sleeping for 10 hours but there's nothing wrong with me? I just feel so betrayed. I guess I put all of my hope into that sleep study. I really thought that it would help me, tell me what's wrong with me. SO now I feel lost. Like I'm lost in the woods at night and I'll never see the sun again. It just seems so unfair. And somewhere in me I know that these feelings are ridiculous. I know that I should be happy and thankful for what I have in my life, that other people have it so much worse. Am I really a selfish perosn or is that my mental instability talking?
I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for Sept. 11th. Dan's issues were getting quite severe at that point so he NEEDED to go see our doctor. He managed to get an appointment for that same day. I knew that we couldn't afford 2 copays as we couldn't really even afford the one. I didn't really need my apointment anymore so I cancelled it, so that we could pay for his visit. I didn't tell him that I has cancelled mine though until after he had gone to his because when I mentioned the day before that I might cancel mine he said that he wouldn't go to his then either. The thing is, I made the choice and he really did need to go, but I can't help but feel slighted that he went to the doctor on the spur of the moment and I cancelled the appointment that I set like 3 months ago.
And then there's his mom. Don't get me wrong, I love the woman and think that I lucked out on who I got for a mother-in-law, but this type of situation with Dan is a nightmare for me because she adds to my agitation. I know she's worried about Dan, but 1) she's been mollycoddling him for 34 years and 2) she isn't a freakin doctor. Incourse of several conversations with a certain person, I've come to the conclusion that all of Dan's issues growing up where exagerrated and he wasn't really exposed to the bumps of real life because he was a "special" child. That's all well and good, but he's 34 and is calling his mother everyday to talk about how horrible he feels instead of talking to me and dealing with it like and adult. I'm not trying to blame anyone here, but there comes a point where you have to fucking let go. Your parents shouls ALWAYS be there for you (and I'm sorry if yours aren't, reader) but even my dad has done that which to me is saying something. Granted he and my stepmom have still done so much more than they've ever had to but they moved aside and now I'm trying to be responsible for myself (and Dan). While I don't feel like I'm doing too good a job, I will admit that I'm more mature than I was a few years ago I hope. But Dan's mom doesn't do that. Maybe I'm jealous after what I wrote a few sentences ago, but I think she dotes a little too much. I know it's partly because he doesn't want to upset me, but it makes me feel worse when he goes to his mom before he comes to me. I don't know . . .
I'm not taking any mood medication right now. I started taking a new med that my doctor wanted me to try that was supposed to be for depression AND anxiety, but it was so new that the price was absolutely ridiculous and therefore the medication wasn't an option past the samples she had given me. I've been on Zoloft which ddin't work the second time around and Wellbutrin but we couldn't up the dose for that because Betsy was worried that it would then cause me to become more anxious. And then this third one fizzled out before it began. I'm on one medication at the moment and that is birth control which apparently I will continue to require for who knows how long (until I can convince Betsy that I need a hysterectomy). I always end up stopping my medication because of finances. If we don't have enough money that the first thing to go. Maybe it shouldn't be but somehow I can't justify it to myself. Meanwhile, Dan keeps pill-hopping and it currently on atleast 2 meds if not more. I think he's only taking Ativan and Zoloft at the moment. SO I'm left feeling slighted againbecause we have to keep him pilled up so he can function and I'm constantly miserable. Why can't I find a medication that works and it affordable? Is that really so much to ask? And it isn't his fault. Again, it's my decision to stop taking something or to not go back to the doctor. Am I subconsciously sabotaging myself? Does fate has it in for me or am I trying to trick myself into believing that I don't deserve to be happy? Maybe feeling unloved is an excuse to pity myself which makes me feel loved then?
Regardless of how rational or irrational this all sounds, I don't feel like I can tell all this to Dan. He'll just get needlessly upset if I do and like I said, me having to then comfort him defeats the purpose WHEN I WANTED TO BE COMFORTED. Besides, when I get depressed I stop talking. I did that the other night. He tried everything to get me to talk to him. I just didn't want to talk to him. I know I was being a bitch to him for no reason after a while, but I think some part of me derives perverse pleasure out of being difficult to him. Another thing is that I read too much into what other people do. A few of my coworkers that I'm on friendliest terms with were talking in low tones this morning about going somewhere. I didn't catch the whole conversation (as it wasn't mean to be overheard), but I couldn't help but feel lonely and left out that they hadn't invited me along to wherever the three of them were planning to go. Wouldn't you know it though, I ran into one of the girls in the bathroom before lunch who aksed me if one of the other girls had mentioned to be about their lunch plans. Sure enough I was immediately invited along and away we went. But for that brief period of time between seeing them whispering together and talking in the bathroom, I felt like the world had turned against me and I hadn't a friend in the world. Obviously this turned out to be completely unfounded as I was trying to tell myself that it was, but I just couldn't bring myself out of that funk on my own. I know I need pills. I kow I need to see a psychiatrist. I know a lot of things in my life that I need to change, namely my weight. I can't do it alone though. How do I get anyone to realize how paralyzed I am though? As I said I second guess myself since I do realize that I have a problem, but does that make it any less crippling? I'm stuck 24/7 in my own head, and no one will ever know how bad that is but me.
I've been feeling really crappy recently. I mean, I usually feel crappy, but I guess this just seems a little worse. Dan has been having uber guilt issues lately stemming from his OCD and therefore is having subsequent sleep problems. I understand that going through things like that is hard because I'm going through it oo. Not exactly the same thing but I am. We're sent him the the regular doctor, dumped pills into him, and he's now eveing going to a new psychiatrist here in York who takes our insurance. He seems to slowly getting better. I keep telling him that he has to give the meds time to work. He likes to say that medication isn't working if he doesn't feel better the next day.
The thing is I'm getting really frustrated, upset, impatient, and depressed. Why? Because I want to know when it's going to be my turn. I feel like I'm never going to get any better and that no one cares enough to help me get there. I'm sure that's not true someone inside, especially since I know that Dan worries about me, but I can't help but feel that way and wonder why he isn't trying harder. And the thing is I feel like since I recognize that I have an issue that I should be able to handle it, right? I'm always the one of us who has to be strong. I can't share my problems and show my weakness to Dan because he'll just break down then too. This has happened before. I would be upset about something and start to cry and they would start to cry then too, so then I would feel like I have to fucking comfort him when I'm the one that needed it in the first place. I just want someone to be there for me once in a while. To hold me tight and tell me that everything will be ok, and maybe even believe that. He doesn't or can't. I just want to stop worrying for a little while.
I had a sleep study done on Sept. 5th. After waiting a fucking week to hear back from the damn doctor, he tells me what my results were good and my oxygen levels were normal, and the only problem I had was that it took me a little longer to fall asleep which might have to do with my sleep schedule. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN??? SO I can't sleep worth shit and feel exhausted even after sleeping for 10 hours but there's nothing wrong with me? I just feel so betrayed. I guess I put all of my hope into that sleep study. I really thought that it would help me, tell me what's wrong with me. SO now I feel lost. Like I'm lost in the woods at night and I'll never see the sun again. It just seems so unfair. And somewhere in me I know that these feelings are ridiculous. I know that I should be happy and thankful for what I have in my life, that other people have it so much worse. Am I really a selfish perosn or is that my mental instability talking?
I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for Sept. 11th. Dan's issues were getting quite severe at that point so he NEEDED to go see our doctor. He managed to get an appointment for that same day. I knew that we couldn't afford 2 copays as we couldn't really even afford the one. I didn't really need my apointment anymore so I cancelled it, so that we could pay for his visit. I didn't tell him that I has cancelled mine though until after he had gone to his because when I mentioned the day before that I might cancel mine he said that he wouldn't go to his then either. The thing is, I made the choice and he really did need to go, but I can't help but feel slighted that he went to the doctor on the spur of the moment and I cancelled the appointment that I set like 3 months ago.
And then there's his mom. Don't get me wrong, I love the woman and think that I lucked out on who I got for a mother-in-law, but this type of situation with Dan is a nightmare for me because she adds to my agitation. I know she's worried about Dan, but 1) she's been mollycoddling him for 34 years and 2) she isn't a freakin doctor. Incourse of several conversations with a certain person, I've come to the conclusion that all of Dan's issues growing up where exagerrated and he wasn't really exposed to the bumps of real life because he was a "special" child. That's all well and good, but he's 34 and is calling his mother everyday to talk about how horrible he feels instead of talking to me and dealing with it like and adult. I'm not trying to blame anyone here, but there comes a point where you have to fucking let go. Your parents shouls ALWAYS be there for you (and I'm sorry if yours aren't, reader) but even my dad has done that which to me is saying something. Granted he and my stepmom have still done so much more than they've ever had to but they moved aside and now I'm trying to be responsible for myself (and Dan). While I don't feel like I'm doing too good a job, I will admit that I'm more mature than I was a few years ago I hope. But Dan's mom doesn't do that. Maybe I'm jealous after what I wrote a few sentences ago, but I think she dotes a little too much. I know it's partly because he doesn't want to upset me, but it makes me feel worse when he goes to his mom before he comes to me. I don't know . . .
I'm not taking any mood medication right now. I started taking a new med that my doctor wanted me to try that was supposed to be for depression AND anxiety, but it was so new that the price was absolutely ridiculous and therefore the medication wasn't an option past the samples she had given me. I've been on Zoloft which ddin't work the second time around and Wellbutrin but we couldn't up the dose for that because Betsy was worried that it would then cause me to become more anxious. And then this third one fizzled out before it began. I'm on one medication at the moment and that is birth control which apparently I will continue to require for who knows how long (until I can convince Betsy that I need a hysterectomy). I always end up stopping my medication because of finances. If we don't have enough money that the first thing to go. Maybe it shouldn't be but somehow I can't justify it to myself. Meanwhile, Dan keeps pill-hopping and it currently on atleast 2 meds if not more. I think he's only taking Ativan and Zoloft at the moment. SO I'm left feeling slighted againbecause we have to keep him pilled up so he can function and I'm constantly miserable. Why can't I find a medication that works and it affordable? Is that really so much to ask? And it isn't his fault. Again, it's my decision to stop taking something or to not go back to the doctor. Am I subconsciously sabotaging myself? Does fate has it in for me or am I trying to trick myself into believing that I don't deserve to be happy? Maybe feeling unloved is an excuse to pity myself which makes me feel loved then?
Regardless of how rational or irrational this all sounds, I don't feel like I can tell all this to Dan. He'll just get needlessly upset if I do and like I said, me having to then comfort him defeats the purpose WHEN I WANTED TO BE COMFORTED. Besides, when I get depressed I stop talking. I did that the other night. He tried everything to get me to talk to him. I just didn't want to talk to him. I know I was being a bitch to him for no reason after a while, but I think some part of me derives perverse pleasure out of being difficult to him. Another thing is that I read too much into what other people do. A few of my coworkers that I'm on friendliest terms with were talking in low tones this morning about going somewhere. I didn't catch the whole conversation (as it wasn't mean to be overheard), but I couldn't help but feel lonely and left out that they hadn't invited me along to wherever the three of them were planning to go. Wouldn't you know it though, I ran into one of the girls in the bathroom before lunch who aksed me if one of the other girls had mentioned to be about their lunch plans. Sure enough I was immediately invited along and away we went. But for that brief period of time between seeing them whispering together and talking in the bathroom, I felt like the world had turned against me and I hadn't a friend in the world. Obviously this turned out to be completely unfounded as I was trying to tell myself that it was, but I just couldn't bring myself out of that funk on my own. I know I need pills. I kow I need to see a psychiatrist. I know a lot of things in my life that I need to change, namely my weight. I can't do it alone though. How do I get anyone to realize how paralyzed I am though? As I said I second guess myself since I do realize that I have a problem, but does that make it any less crippling? I'm stuck 24/7 in my own head, and no one will ever know how bad that is but me.